WaterOx

Today is another day 1 and I'm so done with any attempt at optimism. I just don't have it in me to believe I can ever do this. The staggering amount of failure speaks for itself.

Yet for whatever reason I would like to "try" again (and please, no Yoda quotes. I hate that pretentious Muppet.)

I guess right about now it would be nice to hear from anyone who has had success despite having absolutely zero faith that they would succeed? Should I not even bother trying anymore until I get my hopes up? Because I have none left. It all feels like a running joke at this point.

least

Every time I failed, I took it as proof that I was a failure. But that wasn't true. I kept trying again and eventually made it. I have 11 yrs sober now, yet once thought that would never be possible.

Don't stop trying. It is possible. Don't give up.

MissPerfumado

The 'whatever reason' you're trying again is a reason to have faith in itself.

Something inside of you wants to stop this. Something inside of you has hope you will stop for good. Seems fair to me to meet that hope with a little bit of faith. Just a little bit. You can work on growing that little bit of faith... we will help you, there's no shortage of help here. It doesn't run dry.

doggonecarl

I was determined to get sober. I don't think faith in succeeding came into it. Just determination. And doing whatever it took to succeed.

ScottFromWI

How would you actualy define "having faith" or "getting your hopes up" so you can start again? Maybe that's part of the problem - you really haven't set a realistic expectation for yourself. Or a realistic way to measure your progress/success.

I had very little faith in anything when I finally quit - it was probably more desparation that things were failing all around me. How about putting your faith in the community here or an entity/group local to you ? We know you can quit if you really want to, but you have to let us help you..

bandicoot2

(((WaterOx))). Well, you are here now and you keep coming back. So you do want to get sober - please keep trying no matter how you feel about it.
Personally I was desperate, the opposite of hopeful. Today I celebrate 5 years. You can do this WaterOx....

Surrendered19

Hi WaterOx. Are you sober tonight?? How is your day going? I hope you are in one piece. I think you should - at least for the time being - leave the past in the past and don't really think about the future too far out. I think it looms too large for you in your current state. For now, and in the coming days, just think about today and stay sober and present in that day.

nez

I had a lot relapses for years. I had zero faith that I would succeed, but I every time I tried again, I kept seeing people who were accomplishing what I wanted, so I knew it was doable. Even with no initial faith that I would succeed, I had to try.

ZIP

Maybe its your plan, or lack thereof.
I think we can all relate to the mind-numbing starts-and-stops. Wasted....quit a day or a few...and then right back to drinking. Over and over.

I finally took a hard look at my drinking behavior and what triggered it. For me, I had fallen into the isolation abyss and hid my drinking alone at home. So, when I got serious about quitting, I did proactive stuff: tossed all booze and booze related crap, kept a dry house, enrolled in an outpatient program, went to AA meetings, visited my doctor, avoided gatherings that are booze-based, avoided bars...even the grocery store liquor aisle.
For me, booze simply became a bad habit that started at 5:00 every day---sooner on days off. So, personal commitment to quit, real effort, and busting up the habit has kept me AF. So far--so good. I stick with my plan.

Steely

That was a nifty shift to right WaterOx..... "should I not even bother in trying anymore.....?"

For me, it was not in the "trying", but in the surrender, the acceptance, that I could not drink rationally, and could never drink again. It didn't feel good in the beginning, but as the days mounted and my life expanded, feels real good, and how I want it to be forever now.

I used to go to AA (years ago), and though it didn't suit in the end, liked a lot of the cliches, words of wisdom. One said; we have to "throw in the towel absolutely." Not, hang onto the last corner of it." Let go.

Forever whilst I was "trying", seems a thought in the back of my head believed I could drink again, "one day". Did it for years, and now I'm 12 months sober. I found Acceptance. Surrendered.

Keep giving it your best shot, get up again, for sure. But for me it was in the Surrender. The Acceptance. There is such a peace which comes.

I hope you find this in yourself WaterOx.

Delilah1

I posted earlier today about celebrating five years today, but if you look at my join date you will see it was 2012. It took me three years to finally get sobriety right, but I am so glad I didn’t stop trying.

You can do this, but you need to have faith in yourself that you can do it. You need to be willing to put in the work.

Dee74

Hi WaterOx

I had no faith in my ability to stay sober but I knew I had to try. I did everything I was prepared to do - post here daily, find support and support others, and change my life so that my social life and problem solving and mood control was no longer dependent on alcohol.

some days were easy, many were not - on days when I could barely string a sentence together I just committed to doing anything else but drinking. I reduced the task down to 'all I have to do today is not raise alcohol to my lips'

If you think you need more help than SR to do that, that's fine - whats stopping you from finding and using that support?

D

RecklessDrunk

Im not sure if I'm on the right track here but maybe you are too stressed about failing.

Sometimes I get to a point where i just get so stressed about so many things then something finally let's go and i no longer care. Not that im not trying, in fact quite the opposite. I'm putting in the effort at whatever it is, recovery, career, fitness etc. but I'm letting the chips fall where they may.

Sometimes I get so stressed that I'm middle aged and haven't done good enough in life. Then i think, "good enough ", just how is that determined and who really cares? All I can try to do is the next right thing.

Don't drink today because it sucks, tomorrow will suck for sure if you drink today. If you drink its just a matter of how much suck, like hungover sucks or jail, hospital, morgue sucks.

Don't worry about relapsing next week, next month, next year. Next week has nothing to do with not drinking today.

Zencat

I hope this helps WO

I used "hope" as a guide post when I was stuck in relapse city. To me hope is eternal with healing powers. What I know "hope" includes "letting go". The Bible talks of letting go in regards to hope: "Hope means that our past need not limit our future"

"You've gotta have hope. Without hope life is meaningless. Without hope life is meaning less and less." ~Author Unknown

snitch

Yes me 🙋‍♀️

I felt like a complete hopeless case. My very 1st AA meeting was over 13 years ago so I had enough of a problem then to warrant going to an AA meeting. I never went back. 6 years ago after I had my daughter I tried again. I was in and out of AA. I was a member on many different sobriety forums. I was on SMART, Women for Sobriety and Soberistas. I had loads of recovery books and Self help books. You name it I had it. But i kept picking up and picking up. Back to AA again and again and then I found this site but I was a Lurker, never posted. 2 years and 8 months ago I took my last drink. It was a pretty horrific experience and I guess I had what they call in AA my moment of clarity. In the dead of night, feeling desperate, terrified and alone I wrote my 1st post here and then I got back into AA AA did what was suggested. I havent had to pick up a drink since then. There is definitely hope 🙏

I had to be willing to go to any lengths to stay sober. It was hard. The hardest thing I have ever had to do. I wanted to drink so so bad. But I got through each and every one of those mental cravings. I prayed. I read here. I went to AA meetings. I called other alcoholics. Sometimes I just screamed and shouted my way through them. I did whatever it took to not pick up. I joined a class here and posted daily. I lived on SR and in AA. I learnt in AA that I am bodily and mentally different to "normal" drinkers. That I have a physical allergy to alcohol and when I put a drink in me I set off a phenomenan of craving so powerful that I am unable to stop drinking. Knowing that helped me so much. That there would never be moderate or safe drinking for me. Ever. I am literally allergic to alcohol. I learnt my alcoholism centres in my mind. I have a mind that wants me to drink. So I work a programme of recovery. My programme is like my my medicine for my mind.

Only when you have no breath left in your body are you hopeless. where there is life there is always hope. But no one is coming to save you. You are gonna have to work for it and it is tough. But you are not alone and it is worth it.

🙏♥️🙏♥️

tornrealization

Part of what alcohol does is depress us. So you aren’t optimistic but a few days then weeks off the sauce your thoughts and emotions may lift enough for you to see you can be optimistic. Can you fake it until you make it? I had to make a leap in faith things get better. I can now say they do. My join date is 2014. I also joined in 2008, forgot my handle. I was posting often enough to remember some advice then and at least the seed was planted. My sobriety date is Jan 2019...that’s 11 years of first trying giving up, drinking, trying half assed, real try 8n 2015, disappearing from SR, coming back...so I get it! It sucks. But it’s worth another try and eventually you’ll find what works for you. You’ll have to work for it even when you dont want to. It easier once the fog lifts. It really does. Hang in there.

2muchpain

You are far from a running joke though I can understand why you feel that way. The worse thing you can do right now is to give up. Maybe you are not giving yourself enough credit for all the work you have given to beat this problem. Every small steps you have taken to this point counts. Your still here and trying. Try to look at each day you try to reach sobriety as a success. I heard on a site that it's important for people to replace the negative thoughts we have with something positive. Maybe start with small things. They can build up. Your are much more than your drinking problem. John

WaterOx

Thanks a lot for the replies everyone. Lots of good insight. Not sure what compelled me to post. I guess I needed to really see where I was starting from. It was helpful.

nez

WaterOx, I may have had zero faith in myself, but people in recovery bolstered my dwindling hopes by sharing their experiences with me and that gave me a reason to try once again. Perhaps you reached out to bolster your hopes. Sobriety is achievable and recovery is possible. Hold on to that hope and don't let go!

Obladi

I think maybe you were compelled to post because you needed some hope, some reassurance that you are not so far gone that we're going to give up on you. Maybe you were finding a way to admit you'd been drinking and to reach for a lifeline? Or maybe that's just me projecting how it felt to me the innumerable times I started over again.

My join date here was in 2012. I'd been on another recovery site for 1-2 years before I got here. I've been sober for just over 11 months now. I certainly didn't set out with a goal of being the poster child for Not Getting It, but I absolutely felt that way throughout all of these years.

You know what's weird? The last couple of relapses were the times when I had the least faith that I was going to stay sober. I just couldn't see it. What was going to keep me from starting up again when I'd proven time and time again that feeling like "I really had it" meant nothing. I'd been doing all of the suggested things - posting here, AA, sponsor, meetings, praying, meditation, etc etc - and still I drank! This time... I realized this is 100% an inside job. Yes, I need to do all of the things (and more!), but what it really took was making this recovery thing My Own.

I don't know what your key is, WaterOx, but I'm certain you can find it because I'm just as sure that it's already in you. I found an entire keyring, but the most important one was to Not Drink Come Hell or High Water. That was the deadbolt, anyway. The doorknob key for me was to let the feelings in and live through them. Faith had nothing to do with it, aside from perhaps the faith that my life drinking could only get worse. And it was pretty bad.

If you want faith, maybe you can borrow some of mine. I have absolute faith that you can do this. Because I did and because snitch did and because countless others did. Really, we don't have any idea how long people struggled years or even decades before they crossed the threshold of SR. But I'd wager it's many more than you think. You are welcome to join the club of people who speak about those struggles in the past tense.

O