getright15

I really don't know where to begin. Some of you have been following my story for a while now. Wish I had way better news, but at this point I feel like I'm beyond help even when I work with my sponsor. Anyhow after 16 months sober I caved after depression and resentments got the best of me. One day later I end up in jail (I cant make this stuff up). 3 weeks later I finally get out and I'm on house arrest due to all the Covid bs. Anyhow, I can't be at home and living on a friends couch. So 1 day cost me 16 months and most of my life in many ways. Yea, I'm still breathing and alive, but is that really a good thing I ask? I'm sick of legal issues, sick of the I can do this then relapse, letting my family down etc we all know the routine right? I'm passed being tired of being sick and tired.

Happy Freaking Holidays right

Basically it.

Dee74

I'm sorry that happened. Realistically tho there's nothing you can do but grin and bear it man.
Keep working on your recovery - you've shown you can be sober - know you have to learn to live that way, for good.

This whole clusterbuck would be a great thing to remember next time you think a drink will fix anything.

D

Anna

I'm really sorry to hear about what has happened. It sounds like a really tough time. You will always have the 16 months of sobriety and recovery that you had. And, you can get back to it. Have you thought about talking to your doctor about the depression to see if maybe, medication might help. Or perhaps therapy? You know you can do this.

getright15

Yea, I take medications for it already and have therapy sessions. I'm probably just past the point of help at this point.
Out Patient Rehab
In Patient Rehab
Sober Living
AA
Naltrexone (Med to stop the craving of alcohol)
Fired from numerous jobs
Divorced
House Arrest
Jail
Multiple DUIs
Sleeping on a friends couch

You tell me what else is there? I'm surprised I just havent called it a day and ended it all to be honest.

Dee74

Nah.

I just think, for whatever reason, you haven't accepted the fact you shouldn't drink - or you can't drink if you don't want these bad things to happen.

Pride kept me drinking, and resentment, a fear of change and just sheer stubborness.

I couldn't accept that my drinking always ended in disaster sooner or later.
I kept thinking this time would be different.

I remember I thought this time I could drink for just one day and then return to recovery,

Nope. Add alcohol to my system and I turn into a jackass.

If you're an AA guy it's basic step one stuff. The other 11 steps mean jack if we haven't accepted step one.

D

Anna

There is hope, and I think that's why you haven't given up. Because you do have hope. Try to stay in the moment as much as possible to help you from getting overwhelmed. Accomplish one or two things each day. It's a journey and we're walking with you.

Obladi

I'm sorry you feel this way, getright. I've been there, not in exactly the same way, but in the same way if you know what I mean. It took me damned near to a decade to get this thing right, and I wish I knew the magic words to respond to your words you don't know how to say.

What I learned is that there is always a new bottom, right? Things can always get worse. In fact, as I continued to drink, the only thing that was for sure was that it always got worse. Medications and therapy can help, but only if they help. (I feel like I sound like Dr Seuss in my writing, sorry.) What I mean is, if therapy and medication isn't helping with the depression and resentments, then there are really only a couple of possibilities. Either the therapist or the medication or the sponsor or your program aren't working for you. Or you're not making it work for yourself. I don't mean to be harsh or blunt - in my case, it was all of the above.

I don't believe you're beyond help.
You keep showing up, don't you?
You want this.

You just need to act like your very life depends on this.
Because it does.

This sounds hokey as hell, but maybe you can try to play along.
What are five things you can think of, right now, that you are truly grateful for?

O

Surrendered19

I'm sorry you are feeling that way getright15. To answer your question above, it is indeed a very good think that you are still alive and breathing. Sitting there contemplating the end of things is only going to make you drink again man. We cannot do that any more. It always leads back to where you are sitting now. I think in the coming days you need to get up and move when you find yourself entertaining dark thoughts. Do anything you can to catch those thoughts and interrupt them. Get up. Move. Read something fun. Have a bowl of ice cream. Call someone. Get on SR. I'm not saying that any of that will do anything to improve things rapidly. But staying in a state of movement both mentally and physically might shift you out of that low gear.

GoodLife32

I am really sorry to hear this. I’m not one to give advice as I suffer from the same condition. All I can say is that after I go through a bad bender, I start feeling a little better everyday. Hopefully you can beat this.

stickyone

End it all. I feel you on that 228 days ago I attempted to check out myself. It ain't no turning back from that no second chance. I see you made a list of all you've been through. Now take that same list and write where you went wrong in each incident and take it slow. Put some clarity behind those action and move forward with a solution to prevent it from happening again. This stuck with me. Most people quit during the hardest times . But you know what it usually is about to get better just around the corner of those times.

getright15

So I keep hearing. I'm seriously just tired of trying, motivational speeches and videos. Try this instead of that...do this instead of that. Just over it all.

getright15

Forgot to mention this happened 11/16/2020 so exactly so haven't drank since, but feeling like what isnt against me at the moment. It was exactly 16 months since my last drink on that day.

Be123

I hear you getright but there must be something in you still trying, still hoping, because you've showed up here again.

I can't give you any advice, I don't know what I'm doing, I just get through each day and do what I'm told. But I am a people-watcher and am 100% convinced that the only real trait you need to get sober on this site is bloody minded perseverance. All other character traits, all other circumstances, all other programmes - they are important - but they fade away to nothing compared to perseverance. Tenacity. Bouncebackability.

You don't need to feel perseverance, you just need to do it, and it is just what you are doing by fronting up. I know you may not feel it but as a people-watcher I reckon you've got this

https://youtu.be/An59zXVEFFE

Delilah1

Hello,

It is great to see you back again, I am sorry for all you have going on, it glad you are here.

i have found mindfulness, with the focus of really staying in the present moment and gratitude to be two of my biggest recovery tools.

You cannot change what has happened in the past, all you can do is learn from it and focus on making positive choices in the present moment. It also isn’t helpful to worry about what might happen (I still struggle with this,) there are lots of apps and breathing techniques that can help you stay focused on the present moment.

I am looking at your list and I see some things you can be grateful for right now, and I know you’ll be able to add to the list:

• You have almost a month and a half sober
• You have a friend who cares enough about you to let you stay with them
• You are here and posting on SR

Those are three things you can be grateful for today, and you can continue to add to that list. Stay focused on what you can control, and keep reading and posting!

❤️Delilah

getright15

Yes, I guess so. At this point to be honest. I'm just in whatever mode. I'm on here as a last resort really. Feel out of options the list goes on but I dont want to have more of a pity party. I type and thinking out loud. Life on life terms huh

Sammy1980

So after 16 months sober, what happened?
I am at 12 months now and I am just curious to know, did you think you could just go back to normal drinking? Maybe your insight could help others?
Did you feel good when you where sober?

DriGuy

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that you might be one of those people who needs to stop drinking. It seems like all the trouble you have comes back to the same point of origin. I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe there's a connection.

snitch

From my experience I have to work step one on a daily basis and it has to be solid. I am powerless over alcohol. If I put a drink in me its game over. I have no idea where that one drink will take me. I have to use every tool I have to not pick up that first drink. It's the only step I have to get 100% right

GoodLife32

what exactly happened other than drinking? Is what you did completely unrepairable? Time has a way of healing things

Mizz

I don't know your history other than what you have shared. I do know that what has happened in regards to your relapse can happen to anyone.

You have already proven that you can get sober and remain sober. You stated that depression and resentments got the better of you. Correct me if I am wrong, but It seems like after a time of being in the resentful and depressive state you resorted to alcohol for a release from those feelings?

This will not be the last time that depression and resentments will pop up into your world and learning "tools" to get you through those tough moments are going to be critical to your lasting sobriety. I really do think it is the underlying emotions and the unresolved issues that can ultimately lead to a relapse. At least this is what I have learned about myself and I am not unique in the way that I process or hold onto things internally.

We are rooting for you.