BrianK

This reminds me of when I told someone "I get bored so I drink" and she said "Did you ever try to just be bored and not drink? Just enter into it?" Um, no, that never occurred to me. I wasn't even aware that was an option. Reminds me of you being in "whatever mode." Like, sometimes we are in this gray, dull, "what the hell am I even supposed to do next?" place and it feels like everyone else has purpose, goals, etc while we're stuck in "now" on a hamster wheel. I don't think there's an "answer" for it, at least not that I'm aware of. I'm not dealing with your level of struggle right now, but I kinda feel that "whatever mode". I can say that what you shared helped me because at least I know I ain't the only one. Maybe we're in "spiritual detox"?

Jillga

I relapse for the exact reason Mizz said--depression, RESENTMENTS, anger, loneliness--all feelings. Feelings are not facts. They are not final. Often, they aren't even an accurate representation of the truth. For me, this is a huge area where I need to grow. I hear you right now and your feelings are overwhelming you--I understand. I have a lot of legal trouble right now, family who won't talk to me and block me, tried all the things you listed, have tried to kill myself, etc, all because of feeling hopeless over this *#%@ disease/problem/addiction. One thing I know, after years in AA and doing all the stuff and experiencing months of sobriety at a time and falling again and again. YOU ARE ONLY A FAILURE IF YOU QUIT TRYING. I understand you might just need to "be" right now. You are exhausted. So, just be. Eat, sleep, walk, talk. But be YOU, not that demon voice in your head who is not you at all. Tell that voice to shut up and be kind to yourself. We both can do this. And we can get through all the legal stuff. I didn't have a home for a while and I survived. That "awful-ising," self-pitying, mean-spirited, giving-up voice has got to go. Kick it out and talk to yourself that you are not going to give up, you are not going to feel sorry for yourself, but you are going to do 1 thing good for yourself today (post again, go for a walk) and 1 thing good for someone else (pray for someone, say hello, thank you). The real you wants to live and experience life to the fullest. I know.

getright15

That is a great observation. I never considered not drinking at all. I mean I only went down the list of things to stop permanently and to top it off I'm here on this site.
Thank you for the obvious insight.

getright15

I really do appreciate everything you said. Really hit home with me. I do feel a bit better today, I'm up and around. Luckily my job re-hired me back after being in jail for over 3 weeks. So I got that at least.

Thank you again!

Sober45

Wow. Just finished reading your thread and I’m so happy you got your job back!

The AV is a sneaky. After I read that you actually haven’t drank since the relapse, I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe the AV has been acting up. Just remember that everything passes as long as we stay sober.

stickyone

Yeah motivation videos will have alot of different opinions. This is what I think motivation just gets you going. But what happens when you don't have motivation to do it. That's when action and hard work needs to be done.

Tanky

Sometimes you just have to put one foot in front of the other. No matter how hard it is , or how dumb and pointless it seems. You just have to accept that your brain is not telling you the truth, right now. It is not capable of it. But your thoughts, your depression, your interpretation of your world right now are not you. They are not ALL of you. It is not rational. It is not fair. But it is also not the whole truth.

When I was actively suicidal all the time , I had to force myself to do everything. I felt like a parody of a human. I felt like nothing would ever help - no medication, no therapy, no supports, no hospitalisation - nothing would ever change. I was a lost cause. Because I could never escape me. And sometimes I would get so angry about it and so frustrated by it. Because other people didn’t have to struggle so hard like this, just to take a breath.

I had a friend at one point who made a pact with me that I had to call before trying to take my life - even though I hated to do it. I mostly did. I had to drag myself outside or be dragged outside by my friend and walk like a baby taking first steps and then run. Even though every step was a complete waste of time.

But those steps did help. Little by little. The forced exercise (can high recommend running even though I hated it. &#128514 helped me manage in an immediate sense. The therapy helped slowly - very slowly. The medication - when they got it right, probably helped. And at some point , after I kept putting one foot in front of the other it got easier. I could see that my brain wasn’t telling the whole truth. I got better. Not saying it’s all sunshine and rainbows - because well here I am on this website trying to sober, but it won’t be the way it is now. This too shall pass. One foot in front of the other, brother

saoutchik

Good to see you getright even if it is under dispiriting circumstances although getting your job back is a really good break coming at a time when there is the prospect of the end of this pandemic albeit probably not for another 6 months. There are some other changes about to take place in your country which might improve the overall situation even if not you personally.

That 16 months is a good chunk of time and shows that you can quit, now you just have to take not drinking to the next level of actual lived recovery. That's easier said than done and something most of us struggle with. Accepting who we are and not worrying about how others see us takes away a lot of the anxiety which in turn leads us to negative choices. You're a smart guy (when not drinking) I think you'll work it out.

ScottFromWI

So get out of "whatever mode". You are the one that has control of the mode button for your life, and there are always multiple options to choose from. I've been away from SR for a while myself, but I do remember you and we have talked in the past when you've been through similar experiences. I've been exactly where you are too in the past - the "f-it" mode. And honestly with all the things that have happened in my life in the last year I thought about saying exactly that.

Thinking out loud is good, but unless you translate it into actionable steps it's not going to help you. You also had a long list of things you have tried - same applies there, if you don't commit or buy in 100% none of them will work. AKA, there's no magic bullet.

Perhaps what might help is to focus on some of the issues you are trying to avoid with alcohol in the first place too. For me it was anxiety and lack of motivation in my career. I had to address both of those things along with my work to quit drinking.

FreeOwl

This place is a great last resort.

I'm sorry you made a choice that knocked you back down, but that doesn't have to be the shameful weighty failure that causes you to backslide even more. It's a bump in the road. It's a temporary setback. It's absolutely not the end of the world.

Boy, do I know the feeling you seem to be feeling. And I've borne witness to it with so many friends.....

But you know that the good news is - you CAN do this. 16 months of sober living is awesome and your decision doesn't take that away.

Stick here and for right NOW, let go of that sense of failure and instead get back to that sense of accomplishment you earned with that 16 months.

getright15

Thanks everyone for the advice. Been working with my sponsor on a daily as well, so slowly starting to get back into the swing of things.

Erica375

Getright, I don't know if this will be a comfort to you or not, but I think I'm in the boat next to yours. Not exactly the same boat, but maybe sister ships. Of the White Star Line variety, lol.

No legal issues (yet -- if I drink again, it could still happen), but I'm really scared about finances. House needs some structural work. Car is sounding old and I already sunk several thousand dollars into it this year.

Medical issues. Was sent to the ER earlier this month and I'm terrified what my copays will be. And I'm still in pain and supposed to see a specialist. If it's something really bad I don't know what I'll do.

My Plan B is to sell my house, sell my car, buy a minivan and put an inflatable mattress in the back. Toss the dog in and drive away. Keep driving until I die, or run out of gas money.

It may sound ridiculous, but having this plan, however ludicrous, is comforting. For now, I'm just going to keep rowing my boat and see where I get. I hope you will do the same. We can be rowing buddies!

Please keep posting.

getright15

Honestly nothing sounds ridiculous at this point. Some of the things that cross my mind are head scratchers too. Moving has crossed my mind, but I can't do that any time soon so I guess I'm just here to be here. Better off alone? Maybe. I do miss a lot, but ask what is the point. So sick of trying and failing. I just shrug.

FreeOwl

the only way to stop the trying and failing cycle is to try again. And not fail.



Listen, I get it. You're tired. It's exhausting. It can feel like it's hopeless.

It's not hopeless. You went 16 months and I'm assuming somewhere in that 16 months you saw the value of being sober?

So you keep going. You keep working at it. You keep deepening your sobriety. You keep finding new layers of yourself. You look at failure NOT as 'failure' but as opportunity. It's opportunity to find out more about yourself, your emotions, your mind, your connection to (or your distance from) Spirit.

Don't just shrug. That's too 'cool'. That's like, maybe a 'cool guy' response....

Instead of shrugging, what if you wrote?

Here... try this.... write me a story. It'll be the "Story of A Day Of Sobriety That I Remember Fondly".

I'll bet there was at least one.

Will you tell me that story?

Lay it on me.