Mizz

There is an Elephant in your small house. The Elephant took up the entire living room. Everyone knows there is an Elephant living in the room. No one says a thing about this Elephant. You step around the Elephant and make adjustments like watching TV in another room or finding other places to sit. As long as the Elephant is comfortable then nothing is a problem.

The Elephant grew and grew and became what all Elephants become, a GIANT. Eventually, no one can live in the house anymore because the Elephant has taken over and there is not any room for anyone or anything else.

That is what I think of when she has told you to not talk about it. I mean, if she was actually taking steps to be sober then I understand "Not talking about it" but with two bottles of wine a night......4 months in...... talking of starting a family.....

Sober45

As sad as it sounds, abandoning the relationship may be what she needs. It's the consequences that gets a lot of us to stop. For me, it was a culmination of many years of consequences from daily drinking.

But I like Buttery's post, too. Life's decision are not always cut and dry. If you're going to stand by her, maybe set a time limit and if the goals are not achieved, then walk away. But then again, is she ready to try?

ReadyAtLast

You sound like you want to save her. You cant. She can only save herself and has to want to do that. Which she has said she doesnt.

If you had been together for a few years fair enough support from a distance. But 4 months. It's a few weeks. Maybe you want to cure her save her rescue her. Be the one.

None if it will work. You'll just drive yourself crazy. She has told you she hasnt got a problem and doesn't want to stop drinking. Please believe her

fini

"The biggest issue is that she says that she has to do this on her own ...."
she is right.
and how is this an issue? for whom?
you are not abandoning her; she is telling you to stay out of it all and leave her alone about it.

someone prior in posts suggested you do some reading in the Family and Friends section farther down the forums lists. i want to second that.

Anna

I wanted to mention that stopping hard liquor is not a fix. Beer and wine are alcohol just the same.

And, you wouldn't be abandoning this woman. You would be allowing her to find her own way.

FreeOwl

So...

the right answer for you is actually embodied in your own answer.

Your statement is not "it is of the utmost value to me that I do all I am able to lead her to help and support because of my love for her and my commitment to her recovery"

Your statement is "I would rather stay than face my own emotions" (I would feel like I was abandoning her).

So... perhaps - like me - you have abandonment issues. I know I did.... in the sense that I dealt with childhood trauma from my parents divorce and my father's absence. It led me to (mostly subconciously) resolve that wouldn't be ME. That I wouldn't abandon someone I loved.....

And my commitment to that little trauma response caused me to suffer pretty greatly in two deeply unhealthy relationships that totaled about 17 years of my life and played a tremendous part in my alcoholism and drug addictions.

I can't diagnose you.... but if my own experience seems even remotely to have some merit in your own heart.... then I hope you'll get yourself a therapist who is versed in co-dependency and work on YOU.

If you do that, and you find that you're still feeling powerfully compelled to be there for her - then you'll be empowered to be there for her in HEALTHY ways that don't serve to undermine your own mental / emotional and spiritual health.

boreas

Idolly,

Given the time you’ve been together, it sounds like a great deal of your relationship has been about her drinking, not drinking, cutting back, etc. That is a hard thing to sustain. So much of a drinker’s time is taken up buying, consuming, and recovering from alcohol. Aside from your concerns for her, I wonder how well your own needs are getting met.

You mention seizures, but not if that’s connected to her drinking. If it is, that’s scary. If it’s not, it sure would be a fantastic motivation to quit drinking for improvement of her overall health. It speaks volumes that alone isn’t enough.

Dating is when you evaluate compatibility. You have goals and dreams. Don’t lose sight of that. And setting healthy boundaries isn’t abandonment. A failed relationship was part of what helped me see my drinking was not sustainable or compatible with the life I wanted.

But, after all, she is telling you she doesn’t want to quit. You should listen.

-bora

ZIP

Indeed.
You can point folks in the right direction and offer support. But, they have to want to put forth the effort to stop boozing. Otherwise, you're simply talking to yourself...which is not a relationship.

Steely

I recommend you research co-dependency Idolly.

C0ntr0ls

Edited from my past marriage....
"he says that he has to do this on his own and the only way wife can help is by not talking about it."
YMMV but I can't blame my ex-wife for leaving one bit.

Good luck!

MissPerfumado

That's exactly what I would have said in full-blown active alcoholism. That is, when I was in complete denial about my problem. I would have said, yeah sure babe, I know I should cut down / stop drinking spirits / not drink everyday / [insert other dissembling statement or prevarication]. But I need to do this on my own.

The part where she says you can help by not talking about it is alcoholic genius. Yes, please shut up so I can carry on in denial in peace.

Boggle10

So she is telling you to leave her alone, she is just fine the way she is, you will have to just live with her as she is, because she ain't gonna change for you