ldolly0

I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic woman for 4 months now. She suffers from seizures and at first I was not aware of her alcoholism. She used to sneak vodka in water bottles and such. I finally got her to stop with the vodka but she says that she does not want to stop drinking completely. She drinks almost 2 reqular sized bottles of wine every night. We have talked about having kids and such and she swears up and down that she would be able to stop drinking during the pregnancy, but I know it is not that easy and I do not know what to do. She thinks she can control her drinking on her own and refuses to go to AA because as a child she had to go with her grandmother. I do not know how to get her the help he needs but refuses.

least

Welcome to the family.

The unfortunate truth is that you can't help her if she doesn't want to help herself. I'd seriously suggest ending the relationship before you get more involved. There's nothing but heartache ahead if you continue. There's a saying I've seen in the friends and families of alcoholics forum that says: Let go or be dragged. That's a very apt description of having a relationship with an alcoholic.

SparkleKitty

Friend, she is telling you outright she doesn’t want help. You need to decide if the person she is right now is someone you want to be committed to.

As the daughter of an alcoholic mother myself, I can only say...please don’t have a child with her or any other active alcoholic with no interest in recovery. It will not fix her, and will likely cause tremendous emotional turmoil for your child.

Anna

Please listen to the woman as she is telling you she doesn't want to stop drinking. And, please be aware of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and what can happen to an unborn child and it can cause a lifetime of pain and sadness for a family. I hope you decide to take care of yourself.

FreeOwl

The best gift you can offer this person is to say "I am unwilling to be in a relationship with you unless you're committed to a program of recovery and a life of sobriety."

And to mean it.

Like, walk away meaning it.

fini

she’s telling you who she is and what she’s willing to do/not willing to do.
believe her.
leave her be; look after yourself.
not your job to get her help she refuses. nor possible.
give some thought to why you have taken this on, after you knew she was alcoholic. why you think you should somehow be able to rescue or save her. why you are dating an active alcoholic.
looking at that might turn out to be really helpful to you.
i wish you well.

Mizz

4 months in and this is what you are dealing with?
Walk away. Don't look back.

Steely

I tried to say this gently, but I can't.

I'd walk away.

I can't see this changing unless she is committed to change, HERSELF. She does not seem to be. I'd be sus about the vodka too, and even if she has stopped the vodka, 2 bottles of wine a night does not auger well for the future.

Please take note of Anna's reminder of foetal alcohol syndrome.

We have a forum here, for Family and Friends of an alcoholic, maybe go there and discuss with people who have lived it.

I'm very sorry, because sounds as though you wanted this to work for you both. But you need her on board too. She's not.

Boggle10

I wouldn't be so sure that the vodka has stopped, us alcoholics have a million ways of hiding how we drink, I'd run for the hills if I were you, you've been in this relationship 4 months and your here seeking help, it may take a couple of months to get over this woman but in the long run you will be free, if someone doesn't see a problem, we'll you can't try to fix it, I wish you all the best

C0ntr0ls

I am/was the alcoholic in a past marriage and I say walk, skip and then run. It didn't matter what I was told or offered, I wasn't going to quit until I was ready.

Save yourself from the pain and drama associated with us drunks.

Good Luck.

ReadyAtLast

I was this woman. As others have said, walk away now to save yourself a lifetime of pain and regret. And please don't even think of having children with her. Even if she stops when pregnant starting again as soon as it's born will mean your children grow up in a world of pain and sadness. Get out while you can.

Buttery

I have read and thought about a reply to your post a few times now as it actually is more complex than just saying run for the hills as most have done. you have asked how you can help so that won’t be my reply.

Recovery is possible, female alcoholics can have babies and remain sober and happy. some get the big push to change. However those who don’t could be starting a lot more damage, especially for a baby. For a start during pregnancy if they slip there is a risk of fetal alcohol syndrome. It is serious and I would only recommend any newly sober person to go through with a pregnancy if they were 110% sure they would do whatever it takes. The commitment is lifelong sobriety and they must be absolutely sure that’s what they want. There is no just maybe just 1. The answer is always zero.


AA always seems like the obvious place but the first step before anything else should be to see a doctor or detox specialist depending what is available where you are. If there is dependence, which at 2 bottles of wine a day + any extras you don’t know about there may well be. Alcohol detox is not as simple as stopping. That can lead to serious consequences and even death.

Join a AA group or recovery service they like. Some meetings are “open” so if she is scared but willing to give it a go you can go with her snd see what it is about. Usually best to check with the meeting when arriving if they are ok but I have never seen anyone been told no but depends on your area and what the attendees are happy with.

If you want to stick around it will be a rough ride at times. Early sobriety is tricky. Not getting sober is tricky. Either way if you want to be by her side you have to be prepared for a bit of a journey.

There is no easy way out in all of this. Yes it’s an early relationship and I would say it depends on if she wants to change or not. You will have a clear answer soon enough. You must like her enough to have come on here to ask about it so I have answered as much as I can. Help is out there for those who want it, but they have to want it and not be pushed for it to work.

There is also Al-anon for friends and family of alcoholics which would be a good place for you to maybe reach out to as well.

AAPJ

Right idea but somewhat understated .
Run away. Do not delay.

ldolly0

I understand that and I have been told the same thing, but I would feel like I'm abandoning her.

ldolly0

I understand your suggestion on walking away before getting dragged down. However, I would feel like I'm abandoning her. She has made some progress by stopping with the hard liqour.

Mizz

You're right!
I think I was trying to stay away from being too dramatic but RUNNING is the right approach!

Get on those trainers and run my dude!

Mizz

4 months in and you are on an alcohol and drug recovery website asking how you can save an adult woman from her alcoholism.
I mean, seems kind of heavy to me for the initial stages of getting to know one another.

Are you sure she is no longer drinking vodka? That kind of drinking does not go away just because she has said so. Alcoholics are notorious for hiding, concealing etc.

You are not abandoning her. You just started to date this person. You are saving yourself from what appears to be a very very hard road with a full blown alcoholic.

I get that the stop signs are right in front of you and you don't want to stop.

There are many resources for codependency and it would really help you to check those out.

biminiblue

You came here and stated your case.


Not one person (on an alcoholism site - so the people answering are all either alcoholics themselves or involved with one) EVERY ONE of them has said - run.

I hope you do.

She will abandon and betray you in every possible brutal painful way as long as she's drinking. I hope you go over to the Friends and Family of Alcoholics subforum and read.

Don't worry about what will happen to her. She's made it clear what she wants. You can't do anything to "help" her. She's fine with things the way they are.

What do you want for your life? It's not this, trust us.

ldolly0

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response to my question. The biggest issue is that she says that she has to do this on her own and the only way I can help is by not talking about it.

biminiblue

So...do that.




From a distance, hopefully.