Suzieq17

I have really isolated myself in the years I’ve been drinking. I got it down to 1 drinking buddy. My work friends don’t know my issues—relatively new job.

Since I quit, my drinking buddy barely communicates—not shocking. I’ve gotten an invite or two from work friends, but genuinely don’t feel comfortable going.

I was doing Zoom meetings, haven’t in the last week. I can’t bring myself to turn my camera on, so I feel like a fraud—just my feelings, just sharing my honest thoughts.

I’m overwhelmed with kids, Christmas, loneliness, unhappiness and the constant commitment to saying no. I don’t want to drink, I know it won’t solve any of this—I just want to be happy

biminiblue

I feel pretty powerful saying, "No."

I guess it would depend on what's bothering you about saying, "No."

All of us are in the same boat right now with having to limit face to face stuff. Forums are good for just checking in and feeling a, "part of." For me it's enough.

I didn't like speaking at AA meetings either. No one cares one way or the other. I'm just not that important, so if you want to just listen and you get something helpful from the Zoom meetings, I would certainly not worry about THAT issue.

Happiness is a choice. It becomes much easier to be content with some continuous sober time. I don't know that anyone is happy all the time, but contentment and peace is certainly within reason. I mostly strive for equanimity.

Stick with us.

Anna

I'm sorry that you're struggling suzieq. These are definitely difficult times. I hope you don't give up on the Zoom meetings if you think they are helping you in any way. It takes a lot of courage to say 'no' so remind yourself that you are succeeding in your recovery.

Aellyce

Hi Suzie, sorry you are struggling a bit but great that you are maintaining your commitment to sobriety. Just one comment on the Zoom meetings - you probably see that not everyone uses camera. In the various meetings I attended in the last three weeks, I don't think there was more than 2-3 (usually very small) where everyone had their camera on and often more people don't show themselves even when they speak. I personally prefer to use my camera when I speak and I do like to interact if it's a good meeting (especially in SMART as those are designed to be discussions), but plenty of people prefer to listen or just use voice and I don't think anyone judges them negatively, even when the person who leads the meeting sometimes calls on people. Can say 'no', just like to a drink offered.

Do you have hobbies or any interest you would like to explore newly? For me, connecting with others via shared interests has always been the best way to socialize, and it's not that hard to find mates for nearly any interest online these days. Even message boards like this if you don't want real time, but centered around other topics than recovery and mental health. For some people written communication is enough, I personally need more to feel satisfied in my social needs and experience a real connection with others, but not a lot. I also like novelty and variety, not just talking with the same people all the time.

I think we all experience some discomfort after getting sober. If you find it undermines your recovery goals, I personally would say no to even family functions for a while. But I think it can be good to challenge ourselves to go through some discomfort if the experience is otherwise constructive.

tursiops999

Hi Suzie...I'm sorry that you're feeling lonely and unhappy. So many folks are feeling that way right now, especially with the pandemic. I know that doesn't make your pain go away.​​..just want you to know you're not alone.

Dee74

It took time for me to build a sober life I loved Suzie.
I lost friends/drinking buddies too, but I made new ones...and reconnected with old ones.

Don't fall for the feeling that this is the best it's gonna get - it gets way better - it just takes time, persistence and continued abstinence

Enjoy this time with your kids
D

BeABetterMan

I can really relate to those feelings Suzie. I also ran off most people and spend a ton of time alone. It’s hard. So a big hug goes out to you.

But that stuff about being a fraud in zoom meetings is just an excuse. No one expects you to turn the camera on. If you don’t want to feel like a fraud (whatever that means), then dial in using your phone, lots of people do that. Do you want to be sober or drunk?

D122y

I don't know how long you have been sober, but for me I didn't even start to suffer hard until around 3 months clean.

I wasn't on any meds before, during, or after so if you are I can't speak to that with any experience.

Seems everyone is on meds so I have trouble being able to offer any insight that doesn't seem overly simplified or cocky.

Bottom line was I was going insane. I still feel crazy at times when things are out of my control, but now I am not as afraid of those out of control times.

I tend to confront issues with the intent of getting some resolution one way or another. Sometimes that means accepting that I might be in for some upcoming trouble. That is sort of what is going on now with me.

I accept that as a possible outcome, accept responsibility for it, and then try to be happy no matter what.

I am so much more happy these days even when under some perception that someone is out to get me or whatever.

I called both of my bosses on Friday because I was concerned that I was under some scrutany or whatever. One said there was no problem, the other said there was no problem and stop being paranoid.

I thought to myself...just because I am paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get me.

Sort of funny how my addict brain works.

When I get even more normalized I imagine I really won't give a hoot what folks think at all and sleep like a baby regardless if my boss is messing me or if I am imagining it.

Just do my best and accept the outcome. That is my usual go to thought. I made my own bed.

Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.

least

I had to learn to like my own company. It had been a while since I liked myself and it took a while to start accepting myself.

Suzieq17

Thank you everyone, I appreciate ALL the responses. They got me off the couch and doing SOMETHING.

Took the kids on a drive to see Christmas lights, and then see Santa.

It was a good night. They were so happy, and that made me happy. Can’t thank you all enough — thank you ❤️

advbike

Sorry you're struggling. I understand the feelings, I also isolated, moved to new cities, spend months at a time overseas, etc. All the friends drift away or have their own lives. Now I'm stuck here in a nice place, but all by myself.

With the pandemic it's even worse. I just gave myself a fricking haircut.. that's how isolated I am, lol. Not easy when most of it's in the back.

But, you're responsible for your own happiness. Find things to do that you enjoy. A new or old hobby.. A new exercise regimen. Fortunately I have lots of hobbies to indulge in and talk about in forums - cycling, photography, travel, motorcycles, etc. I just couldn't focus all my time on recovery-related things.

bandicoot2

(((Suzieq))) Glad you had a nice time with your kids......
Sometimes the simple act of 'doing' is enough. Simple but not always easy. Good for you!!

DarkStranger

As previous posters have said, it can be easy to feel isolated and lonely at the moment due to the pandemic. Just wanted to let you know that I get it and I understand. That was great that you took your kids out to see the Christmas lights and Santa! Wishing you peace, contentment and continued sobriety.

MythOfSisyphus

That's a really tough thing early in sobriety @Suzieq17. I know that when I first quit I discovered that 90% of social circle, minimum, was just people I got plastered with. You can play that awkward game of not really telling them you quit (eg I'm taking antibiotics, I have to work early, etc), you can just kind of not drink and hope no one asks, etc. At first it's kind of isolating, which makes sense. If you get drunk every night that's pretty much your whole social life, your identity. We all go through that. Eventually the worm kind of turns and you reach a point where you kind of low-key pity those that have nothing better to do than get drunk every night. If magically all of your friends stopped getting older at age 10 but you continued to grow up eventually you'd get tired of hanging out playing Pokeman or watching Thomas The Train. As you grow as a person you will outgrow some of your old friends.

On the bright side you may rediscover old friendships and reconnect with people that outgrew the you that wasn't ready to quit drinking and grow up.