FreeOwl

Thankfully, I'm not drinking. Not yet.

But my sobriety has been dealt a blow, at my own hand.

A couple of times, last summer, I casually decided to smoke a little weed with a friend. My state had legalized, it was around more and more frequently. I'd never really had 'a problem' with weed in the past.... (though it clearly was part of why I'd relapsed hard about 5 months into my first real attempt at sobriety years ago).

So I rationalized it. It was 'fine'. Nothing bad happened.

I went to San Francisco last Fall. There it was all over the place. The aroma of cannabis unavoidable on the streets of the city. Delivery available everywhere. Dispensaries all over the place. I bought some edibles and some flower. I wasted time wandering around the city high. I felt like it wasn't an issue. Friends were doing it, too.

Things really descended into recognizable patterns early this year.... I'd quit my job, launched a business, lost my kid sister to alcohol and addictive suicide, had to lay off my staff, been quarantined, father had gone to the hospital with heart and lung problems for 10 days..... during Covid.....

Somewhere along the line, it began to be daily. Then many times daily. Then weekend 'binges' on edibles......

Still no 'problem'.....

Except for not being present.
Except for noticeably annoying my wife with the frequency of my being high
Except for inattention to detail
Except for depression and scattered thinking and unpaid bills
Except for spiritual distancing from Self and "God" as I understand it
Except for - telling myself quietly I won't use cannabis today.... and then doing it anyway.....

All the same stuff.

Gradually.
Bit, by, little, innocuous, FUNCTIONING, bit.....

So as I approach my 7-year sobriety mark from alcohol - with six of those years also clean from any other drug not prescribed me by a doctor..... I recognize that I've undermined my sobriety and put my life at risk with the choice to get high a couple times.

That's how easily it can happen.

Today is a New Day One, my life has become unmanageable, I am powerless over cannabis, I turn my life and my will over to the Power Greater Than Myself and I seek restoration to sanity before this storyline progresses further. Because I know where it can lead.... and I never want to go back there.

But also because..... I know what I'm missing.

tomls

Thank you so much for this post! I feel that I truly needed to read this! I am very sorry that you had to experience this. Best wishes.

Aellyce

I'm sorry this is so hard to overcome, FreeOwl and thank you for your candid post. A clear testament though how cannabis can be very addictive for some, just as much as alcohol, even though the direct physical effects may not be as devastating. But I think it can also put people in physical danger while doing reckless things under the influence. Your story also speaks for the risks in the complete legalization of drugs, although that's another topic and perhaps not for this forum.

Did you use AA for your alcoholism in the past? If so, perhaps NA or Marijuana Anonymous could help a bit, at least to snap you out of this state? If for nothing else, it might be good to find a few other people who developed similar issues with weed, given that the public perception of its addictive potential is still very ambivalent at the minimum.

Rooting for you.

FreeOwl

Thanks Aellyce2.... I did use AA in the past. It was one of many tools. I'm using the tools of AA for this challenge as well, and simply returning HERE to SR is also key.

When I reflect on my gradual development of addictive patterns with cannabis, it is closely-mirrored by my not being here.... my stepping away from my tools.... my not journaling.... my not reading..... not exercising..... not regularly interacting with AA fellows......

So, it's time to re-engage with the tools that work. It's not rocket science. It's simply doing the work and remaining close to recovery.

brighterday1234

Thanks for your honesty. You know what you need to do and the spiritual needs to fill the space that cannabis is filling in your life. My experience is that living a spiritual life negates any need to take psychoactive substances into my system.

MLD51

It's excellent that you are recognizing the addiction pattern in your cannabis use. And that you are here, interacting honestly. Those of us with addictive personalities need to be on the lookout for our addiction patterns with all things. I know lots of people who lick their addiction with their DOC, only to replace it with something else. Usually happens when we get a bit complacent, and stop using our tools as much. Happy you see this and that you are taking action.

advbike

Great job Free Owl. Cannabis does subtle damage in addition to the obvious effects. I smoked decades ago, even grew my own, but it made me a wreck - forgetful, paranoid, etc. The pleasure went out of it pretty quick as the weed got stronger. I can't imagine now. But mostly, as MLD says, it's the addictive behavior that always gets us, no matter the substance.

thomas11

Hello my fellow brother, FreeOwl you were very instrumental in my journey. My journey has not been perfect, but you and many others on this site helped me through A LOT.

I'm glad you posted this and all is certainly not lost, you have identified the issue, admitted is an issue, and know how to address the issue. Fight with all you've got and get it back together and moving forward again. You've been dealt some tough blows this year, stay strong. Rooting for ya man.

cantsleep123

Any time I think that I might be able to smoke weed again one day I play it forward. I know this will happen to me. The fact is undeniable. It will start out as an occasional thing, then will become more and more frequent until I'm back to square one. Thank you for sharing this.

Suzieq17

I threw out my pot cookies the same day I threw out my alcohol. My relationship with weed is as long as alcohol—but in sporadic spurts, my 20’s and then again in my 40’s. I realized that day that alcohol and pot were aiding me in the same thing—escaping reality and not being truly present. They both had to go.

I’m sorry you had to go through all of this, but glad you are realizing that pot is no better than alcohol. Hopefully, the days ahead bring clarity and happiness.

SoberInCLE

Way to go FreeOwl! Way to turn it around. I don't know if you saw my earlier post but my friend's in that danger zone where getting high every day is "sobriety". Good luck! You'll be thinking more clearly in no time.

SoberLeigh

Really great to hear from you, FreeOwl. You have been truly missed.

I have never been a cannabis user but I know of at least two people who never ‘escaped’ the 60s and 70s due to intense smoking habits. I absolutely, positively know, however, that you can beat this in the same way that you beat alcohol. Pull out those tools you used the last time.

Good to have you are back with us - SR, #1 tool in my box.

Anna

FreeOwl, I'm glad you have reached the point in your cannabis addiction that you are ready to stop. We're here for you.

AAPJ

Ouch - thanks for the honest post.

My AA Zoom home group would certainly welcome you if you want some live support. We have lots of alcohol + drug folks. The catch is we are early birds. Our meeting occurs at 6 am every day on the east coast. PM me if you are interested. I really do not expect you to take me up on this offer but all I can do is offer....

And of course offer my support here on the SR forum!

FreeOwl

I'm an early bird too!!

PM me some info?

Thanks all!!

More soon.... so far, so good, for today!

Coldfusion

Hi FreeOwl! I'm not sure where you are, but here is a listing of AA meetings on Zoom (near Seattle, GMT-8h). I sometimes go to the 5:30 "Living Sober" meeting, which usually has about 60 attendees. A recent chairperson shared about cannabis addiction.

https://eastsideaa.org/meetings/?tsml-type=ONL

FreeOwl

yep.... I'd like to really focus back on replacing my DOC with the alternate drugs of choice:

healthy living, exercise, eating
being present
cultivating spiritual practices and relationships
being the best Dad / Spouse / Partner I can
Service

These are actually far more rewarding 'drugs' and actually are quite addictive in themselves - but it takes that continued, dedicated CHOICE to select and continue them.... it's really interesting that the addictive impact of those are so easily overpowered by the substances which hijack the brain's reward centers.

If only there were a DRUG that helped to amplify the addictive impact of exercise and fatherhood, eh!!!??

DriGuy

Yep, that's how it happens. Starts off so easy and smooth, and nothing feels wrong, so we do it some more, and then some more, and some more... Then one day you wake up wondering how you got here.

FreeOwl

yes, indeed....

Onward, Day Two!!

hellrzr

Thank you for that post! I have not been active in AA for some time now but we used to talk about how marijuana use would impact folks as States legalized it. People really seemed to think that if drinking was their "problem" than they could smoke pot or eat edibles, once they became legal, and it would be fine. I hate that you are going through this but by sharing your story you may save countless others from the same fate. It's important for people to know that addiction doesn't stop just because you drink something rather than smoke or eat it. I hope you keep going down the clean path and continue to share your story with others. I think it's a very important one to share.