pattyspaw

I have been on a downward spiral for the last month that I want, and need to stop now! I want to truly enjoy the rest of my life. This disease is so self defeating!

Sober45

Hi Pattyspaw. For me, I had to accept that alcohol was never going to work in my life. End of. From that moment forward I did not listen to the AV like you have been doing (if you're fighting it, you're listening to it). I forcefully redirected myself into something else....like it or not. I just kept my head down and stayed busy every waking moment. I viewed it as a mind game and still do.

I also had to acknowledge and accept that the immense sedation and relaxation I got from booze would cease to be part of my existence. Ouch!! With sobriety we are going into the unknown!

To my surprise, after 10 months, I can get to deeply relaxed state without booze! Who would of thought?! I don't feel like I'm missing out on a thing...actually I've gained tremendously in my life.

If you think you can, you can.

Nonsensical

You're frustrated. You're exasperated. Been there, done that.
Take 3 deep breaths and then ask a better question.
How do I stop?
Make your plan.
Work the plan.
Best of Luck on Your Journey!

Mizz

Alcoholism is a mother ******, to put it mildly.

You can stop. I think you are taking those steps now. Its terribly frustrating to see ourselves in a battle over and over again. Maddening.

There are many different roads to the same destination.
One day at a time is how I am not drinking. So far so sober.
Keep posting. Keep reading. For today stay sober. You can think about tomorrow when it gets here.

nez

This disease is indeed self defeating, but there is strength in numbers. There are plenty of survivors available to help you make sure that you are not alone and to turn it from a "self" battle to a "we" battle. We can overcome it with the power of our sheer numbers and experience. Let those who have gone before you be your guide to the better life and freedom.

brighterday1234

There is a solution 🙏

BornSurvivor

Keep trying. Don't give up. Yes it seems hopeless at times but trust me, it isnt. You just haven't figured out what works for you.

Try new things. Get advice from people on here. Work on it every day as much as you can. You know what the stakes are.

GerandTwine

Hi PP,

The strength within you to end your addiction is 2 things.
1 - Your intelligence as a human being with vast memory banks
2 - Your ability to experience hunger without indulging it

To start you off, your greatest enemy is not YOU, it is a very particular part of your appetite center that has been fed alcohol to a point that a deeply seated habituated pleasure has been repeatedly acheived and wants to keep being acheived. That’s the way a healthy appetite center in all living organisms works. We just got stuck with an unnecessary-for-life pleasure that starts creating horrendous problems in regular human existence. The desire for pleasure is not itself unhealthy. Our reluctance to take the bull by the horns and END a non-life-giving, danger-producing, pleasurable appetite is what is unhealthy.

Next, you must zero in on the 10 minutes before you take that first drink and examine what’s going on in your brain very closely. You’re probably thinking, How could something that enjoyable be wrong for me? I KNOW I should be able to moderate and just get the pleasure and then stop! Life is short. I’m strong enough. I’m going to get a six pack and have only 3 beers tonight and 3 tomorrow. (That was me way back then. It never worked out that way. My decision making process completely changed under the influence. Who I was had become absent from the universe and the drunken me went on to keep drinking more and more.)

Next, begin to accept that you can be VERY hungry for something very pleasurable, AND that you can think two ways about that hunger. How you could indulge it, or how you could sit and think yourself into accepting its existence within you right now, and actually think it away. (More recently, I do the latter when on 2 day food fasts.) Accept the hunger and move on. It really won’t hurt you.

Next, play with the idea of making a plan regarding your future use of alcohol that goes up against your appetite center in the only way that IT will truly understand YOU MEAN BUSINESS. That plan must be a pledge that “I will never drink again, and I will never change my mind.” You see, this is the ONLY plan the appetite center will hear and understand. The appetite center does not understand periods of time, it only understands degrees of hunger. So, by refusing to make such a pledge, your appetite center knows that you are very willing to go along weighing the odds on when IS the next best time to drink some more. But if it hears that pledge, IT knows IT is in deep trouble and that YOU have become ITs enemy instead of ITs willing partner as YOU have been up until this very moment.

GT

Anna

Yes, Patty, this disease will take away everything from you that matters in your life. I'm glad you posted and have faith that you can stop the downward spiral and have the life you want.

least

I felt the same way when I was trying to quit drinking. I failed over and over and was feeling like I was hopeless.

I woke up the morning I last drank, feeling worse than I've ever felt, and said - that's enough! And one day at a time, I didn't drink. I now have almost 11 yrs sober. If I can do it, so can you.

Verdantia

Welcome, pattyspaw. I'm glad you're here. I didn't think I could quit but as it turns out I was a lot stronger than I thought, and I bet that you are too. I had to realize for good that I could never take another drink again or it would be the end of me--one is all it takes--I have no 'off' switch when it comes to booze. SR is a great place for you to be--it was and still is a vital part of my recovery, and I visit everyday. Wishing you the best on your sober journey.

Dee74

Hows it going pattyspaw?

D

pattyspaw

I am so tired of this merry go round. I want and need this to end.

Billymacintosh

Glad you posted PP, you obviously want and need to stop
The question is what is your plan of action to make this happen? Posting and sharing ideas in here is a great place to start
Love Billy x

pattyspaw

I don't really have a plan; and when I think I do I don't follow through. With other things I seem to be able to follow through when I make a plan.

Billymacintosh

Maybe today is the day to start making one, have you looked into online AA and SMART recovery?
There always someone here to chat to when you feel the urge to drink, DEE! Please can you add the urge surfing link?
Also, start writing a potential agenda for your day, things to do and tick off instead of drinking.
Most importantly start thinking of reasons as to why you CAN stop not why you CAN'T, you've already reached out here for help, I believe you CAN do this
Love Billy x

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FreeOwl

I know that feeling. I remember feeling it when I was struggling to get sober, more than seven years ago.....

I remember feeling it leading up to when I finally DID embrace sobriety fully.... almost seven years ago...

I have been feeling it today and over the weekend.... as I've been struggling for the past several months to put down cannabis.... I chose to use that again in 2019 and it gradually crept and crept and crept its way into a daily-use pattern and has been undermining my sobriety and eroding my overall wellness and presence. So, I CHOSE to return to my recovery principles and my active recovery tools to honor my sober life fully by walking away from cannabis..... and then I chose to use it again..... several times now.

"Why can't I stop"?

Well... my experience is that I CAN stop. For me, stopping was more about STARTING. What must I START doing, prioritizing, honoring. STOPPING something always feels like something is a loss, being taken away, a reminder that I'm somehow now good enough.

So rather than focus on STOPPING, I will continue actively focusing on STARTING.

START to start each day with SR and a recovery focus
START to exercise, even just a walk, each day to keep my mind and my intentions and actions on health
START to get back to therapy..... My choice to allow marijuana back in my life was an indicator of misalignment and I've had some major major life challenges this year.... I know that my mental / emotional wellness needs attention. I'll make an appointment today.
START to work the steps again.... stepwork is a lifecycle, not a one-and-done. I know that these struggles with a substance are indicative of a deeper struggle. Working back through the steps, reading the AA book again, doing active recovery work..... all of this is part of a recipe that I know works because it worked for me for years.
START getting back to service work. There is nothing more potent with regard to staying sober and clean than serving others in their recovery.... from just showing up and posting on SR, to reaching out and sponsoring, attending online meetings, being there for someone....... when we see our own former struggles in the challenges of another, there is no more powerful medicine..... when we see that our example can serve as a piece of evidence and hope to another, it gives us a deeper sense of worth in our recovery......

Starting, versus stopping.....

Let's do this.

advbike

Hi Patty, glad you came back. BTW, I love your signature line.

There have been a lot of good suggestions here. I just looked back at some of your earlier posts and see you have some understanding of what is going on with your AV, so I'm editing this post. Gerand Twine wrote a very articulate description of how it works (above) and how you can tell your AV you will not be drinking anymore. Shut it down completely. Thats the approach I have taken, but there are many ways that people are successful.

Some simply fool the AV - they tell it that they won't drink today, and they do the same the next day, and so on. Some find it helpful to attend AA meetings, or work a 12 step program. Some find it helpful to examine their drinking patterns and do something else at the time of day they would normally drink, until sobriety takes over.

Regardless of the method that you embrace, it is entirely possible to quit long term and it ALWAYS get's easier as time passes and the addiction fades in the rear-view mirror. Keep posting here and you will get the support you need and find your way.

Anna

Patty, I'm sorry you're struggling. I'm glad you have a plan, and do you think you could add something to it in order to make it work for you? I know that following through with a plan is hard at first, but take it hour by hour. Just get through an hour , or even a minute, at a time. Each minute you get through will empower you to continue.

Nonsensical

This will be harder than those other things.
It will be really, really hard.
That's OK. You can do hard things.

Change is possible.
Hope is reasonable.
Go do hard things.