I am struggling and desperate
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 49
I am struggling and desperate
Hi all - I'm new here and so glad I found this group forum, and have been reading the beautiful inspiring posts. I have been struggling with alcohol abuse for the past 12 years since my husband died. I'm 55 years old, and don't want to give in to this horrid disease. I have tried AA for a few years and keep trying it, but it does not seem to help. I have some friends in AA that I love, but I am terrified to come clean and let them know I still relapse often. Any words of wisdom or support would be most appreciated! Sending love to all of you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
My suggestion is go back to AA and be honest. The only way out is to be honest. They've heard it all and seen it all, you won't be surprising anyone. If you have phone numbers, maybe call someone you know from AA today and talk about it.
Welcome to the forums.
Welcome to the forums.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,809
Welcome!
I agree, be honest with your AA people. I know a woman from my AA group who kept relapsing and she was hiding it from us for a couple of years (we suspected). Once she came clean to us and went to treatment for the second time, she saw the value in living completely honestly, and things turned around for her. We could not help her when she wasn't telling us the truth. Once she told the truth and asked for help, we were there for her. She's been sober over 2 years now, and loving her life. You can do that, too.
I agree, be honest with your AA people. I know a woman from my AA group who kept relapsing and she was hiding it from us for a couple of years (we suspected). Once she came clean to us and went to treatment for the second time, she saw the value in living completely honestly, and things turned around for her. We could not help her when she wasn't telling us the truth. Once she told the truth and asked for help, we were there for her. She's been sober over 2 years now, and loving her life. You can do that, too.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,203
Welcome Amy, keep posting.
I would echo what others said about telling AA of your situation. I would also suggest looking through all the variety of different recovery techniques and methodology, here on SR or elsewhere. I am not knocking AA in any way but it does not suit 100% of people.
I would echo what others said about telling AA of your situation. I would also suggest looking through all the variety of different recovery techniques and methodology, here on SR or elsewhere. I am not knocking AA in any way but it does not suit 100% of people.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Hi, Amy - it's so good to have you join us. You are never alone.
I'm sorry to read that you lost your husband. I definitely get why you thought alcohol would be a comfort - a friend to help see you through. It takes a while to realize we are no longer in control & are dependent on it. I wasted many years of my life in a fog & doing foolish, self-sabotaging things. Always insisting I could control it if I used enough willpower. When I finally admitted I couldn't touch a drop of it I was able to get free. You can do this, Amy.
I'm sorry to read that you lost your husband. I definitely get why you thought alcohol would be a comfort - a friend to help see you through. It takes a while to realize we are no longer in control & are dependent on it. I wasted many years of my life in a fog & doing foolish, self-sabotaging things. Always insisting I could control it if I used enough willpower. When I finally admitted I couldn't touch a drop of it I was able to get free. You can do this, Amy.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,100
Welcome aboard, Amy
My condolences go out to you on the loss of your husband. I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve been through.
Im 46 with 10 months under my belt and I can tell you that getting sober is the best thing I have ever done. It’s been a lot of work though making sure I don’t slip back into the old thinking patterns. In the first few months I was on SR almost every waking hour. I still come here most days and never ever romanticize alcohol.
You can do this!
My condolences go out to you on the loss of your husband. I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve been through. Im 46 with 10 months under my belt and I can tell you that getting sober is the best thing I have ever done. It’s been a lot of work though making sure I don’t slip back into the old thinking patterns. In the first few months I was on SR almost every waking hour. I still come here most days and never ever romanticize alcohol.
You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne Australia.
Posts: 3,748
As a serial relapser (albeit on the mild side) I see every new day as a golden opportunity to maintain total abstinence.
My research on the many dangers inherent in alcohol use, along with SR, has empowered me but not quite enough.
I'm much older than you and hope (too weak a word?) we can both be resilient in achieving our very sensible goals.
My research on the many dangers inherent in alcohol use, along with SR, has empowered me but not quite enough.
I'm much older than you and hope (too weak a word?) we can both be resilient in achieving our very sensible goals.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: St.Petersburg, FL.
Posts: 1,077
Welcome, Amy--I am very glad you are here; this is a great bunch of people who helped me get sober. My condolences on the loss of your husband. I've used alcohol to attempt to cope with loss as well but in the end it only makes matters worse. I am 60 years old and got sober in December 2015--I never thought I was strong enough to get through life without booze, but I discovered that I am very strong and capable--and so are you. If AA isn't working for you there are other ways to get sober, but honesty is important--we've lied so much in the past, even to ourselves. I hope you commit to make this time the final day one--I love you and I am rooting for you--stick around and post when you feel the urge to drink.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,955
AA or not sobriety is within your grasp. Here at SR you can start your own recovery program. Posting is a great start to a new life without alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 3,517
Welcome to SR Amy. I'm sorry to read about your husband and can read in your words how hard it is for you and how you are struggling. I don't go to AA but one of the most important things in any recovery plan, whether that is through AA or anywhere else, is being open and honest. As other posters have suggested perhaps you could go back to AA and be honest about your relapsing. It might help you in the long run.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 86
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband 14 years ago tragically and drank to initially cope with the unbearable pain and turned into a full blown alcoholic.
I was in the AA program a few years ago and maintained 8 months of sobriety and then relapsed. I am now a week sober and joined AA again. Rigorous honesty is so hard and uncomfortable for me but I know it is the only way for me to stay sober. I am almost embarrassed to go back to in person meetings at my old home group and come clean, but I know they will welcome me back with open arms (it’s just my shame and pride getting in the way). AA is the way I am going, but I think the most important thing to do is to be honest with whatever support group of your choosing (come clean and get that out of the way) and know that you don’t have to do any of this by yourself and start the true recovery process.
I was in the AA program a few years ago and maintained 8 months of sobriety and then relapsed. I am now a week sober and joined AA again. Rigorous honesty is so hard and uncomfortable for me but I know it is the only way for me to stay sober. I am almost embarrassed to go back to in person meetings at my old home group and come clean, but I know they will welcome me back with open arms (it’s just my shame and pride getting in the way). AA is the way I am going, but I think the most important thing to do is to be honest with whatever support group of your choosing (come clean and get that out of the way) and know that you don’t have to do any of this by yourself and start the true recovery process.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Welcome Amy and congats on finding SR. Like many here, I owe my sobriety to this place. It's a remarkable resource of support, wisdom and advice. Post often, check in, don't ever be ashamed (ALL of us have been there) and if you do the work and make a plan a truly better life awaits you.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,783
Welcome to the family Amy. Like so many of us here, my sobriety is owed to the loving support I found here. 
It's so hard to stop drinking but it can be done. Don't drink for 15 minutes at a time. Then extend it to a half hour at a time. Increase it gradually.
When I first got sober, I had to take it a minute at a time. Slowly but surely did the trick tho, and next month I'll celebrate 11 yrs sober. And I thought I was hopeless... but I was wrong.
I hope we can help you learn to live a sober life.
It takes some effort, especially at first, but it's so worth it.
Like so many of us here, my sobriety is owed to the loving support I found here. It's so hard to stop drinking but it can be done. Don't drink for 15 minutes at a time. Then extend it to a half hour at a time. Increase it gradually. When I first got sober, I had to take it a minute at a time. Slowly but surely did the trick tho, and next month I'll celebrate 11 yrs sober.
And I thought I was hopeless... but I was wrong. I hope we can help you learn to live a sober life.
It takes some effort, especially at first, but it's so worth it. 
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
welcome, Amy, and as others have said, honesty is key. hiding is part of the condition you’re wanting to change, no?
how great you already have friends in AA that you love!
when you say you have “tried” AA several times...what does that mean?
in any case, good to see you willing to go for sobriety again.
how great you already have friends in AA that you love!
when you say you have “tried” AA several times...what does that mean?
in any case, good to see you willing to go for sobriety again.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
I'm so glad you posted here. I have found an immense amount of support on this forum. I know you will too.
I am sorry for the loss of your husband.
I do understand wanting to hide the fact of relapse from people. I would think that the people in AA would not judge you and would accept your honesty with open arms, being that it is a program for Alcoholics. They (we) do understand how tricky alcoholism can be and how we can behave when we are engaged in alcoholism.
There are many different roads to the same destination. I do hope that you continue searching, telling the truth to yourself and find a road that works for you. Its about you. We are here for support. Sending healing light and love your way!
I am sorry for the loss of your husband.
I do understand wanting to hide the fact of relapse from people. I would think that the people in AA would not judge you and would accept your honesty with open arms, being that it is a program for Alcoholics. They (we) do understand how tricky alcoholism can be and how we can behave when we are engaged in alcoholism.
There are many different roads to the same destination. I do hope that you continue searching, telling the truth to yourself and find a road that works for you. Its about you. We are here for support. Sending healing light and love your way!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Welcome to SR Amy! This site helped me get sober, after way too many day ones! There are a few great threads where you will get to know some amazing people.
The 24 Hour Recovery Thread is a place you can check in each day, it I see also a place where you can share how you are feeling (the good, the bad, and the ugly) and there will always be someone there to write back. You will get to know a great group of people.
You may also want to join the November of 2020 Class, that’s a great place to meet others just starting out or starting again on their recovery journey. I found it helpful to have others at the same point in my recovery when I first got sober, and several of us will celebrate five years this January.
I agree with others about being honest with your AA friends, I am sure it will be hard, but you’ll feel so much better after, and I bet you’ll get so much love and support from them.
Have you thought about a grief group or counselor to help with the loss of your husband, they might be able to help you with feelings that are still unresolved. That’s a big loss and if you started drinking to deal with the loss you may not have ever allowed yourself to really grieve.
I am glad you found us, and I’m looking forward to seeing you on SR!
❤️ Delilah
The 24 Hour Recovery Thread is a place you can check in each day, it I see also a place where you can share how you are feeling (the good, the bad, and the ugly) and there will always be someone there to write back. You will get to know a great group of people.
You may also want to join the November of 2020 Class, that’s a great place to meet others just starting out or starting again on their recovery journey. I found it helpful to have others at the same point in my recovery when I first got sober, and several of us will celebrate five years this January.
I agree with others about being honest with your AA friends, I am sure it will be hard, but you’ll feel so much better after, and I bet you’ll get so much love and support from them.
Have you thought about a grief group or counselor to help with the loss of your husband, they might be able to help you with feelings that are still unresolved. That’s a big loss and if you started drinking to deal with the loss you may not have ever allowed yourself to really grieve.
I am glad you found us, and I’m looking forward to seeing you on SR!
❤️ Delilah
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by Amy1 
Thank you for the suggestions Delilah! Can you please post a link to the 24 hour recovery forum, a,d how do I join the November club?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-506-a.html (24 Hour Recovery Connections Part 506)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-1-a.html
You're more than welcome in the ongoing "Weekender" thread, too (or anywhere!)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/450466-welcome-weekenders-06-09-november-2020-a.html (Welcome to Weekenders 06 - 09 November 2020)
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