Chung

I just got done with a AA zoom meeting and it was about steps 1,2, and 3.

I am on day 2 again for I don’t how many times. I am struggling with the first step - powerlessness. I know rationally that I am powerless once I take that first drink and I mean that’s a fact proven over and over again by me! I wish someone would hit me over the head to knock it into me once and for all! When I am sober, I am sane, sharp, and positive (a dichotomy).

Once I start drinking, that all goes out the window. Why can’t I just imprint the feeling of sobriety into my brain when I irrationally think I can drink like a normal person???

I know there are many different different ways of maintaining sobriety without AA, but I am giving AA another try. When did it finally click for you guys and it stuck that you cannot have a drink at all?

biminiblue

I don't think there is one answer for that.

The time for me was when I made the Decision to not drink again, no matter what.

I mean, yeah, I theoretically could drink again but I would be breaking that covenant with myself and God, and that's not okay with me.

GerandTwine

Washington Post graph of drinkers in the USA. <— link

First, there is no normal about people drinking alcohol. Check out the graph and you’ll see two areas of what seems like normal. On the left is the largest population of commonality regarding drinking and they are the total abstainers. On the right is the largest clump of alcohol people drink, and all that alcohol is drunk by only ten percent of drinkers.

So, actually, all of us here on SR are and always will be normal drinkers. We started on the right and we’ll end up on the left or dead. No being in that steep middle ground on the graph. No middle ground. We just LOVE alcohol too much to be there.

Second, it stuck for me when I turned into a traitor against what I had been desperately doing for years and years, protecting the drunken me on both sides of a drunk when I was sober.

What I had been doing:
Before that first drink, I would plan how to try and not get in trouble knowing I was about to become a different stupid person, possibly even blacked out. Then, after a drunk, I would work my hardest to cover up what I’d screwed up, catch up to where I and other people thought I should be at in my life (which I was never able to do), and con up (con myself and others that everything was OK and I got away with getting drunk again; which was really just a set up for the next drunk). Cover up, catch up, and con up, over and over.

When “it finally clicked and stuck”:
I simply switched my alliances completely around, became a traitor to the drunken me, and decided to suffer the grief of losing out on that wonderful deep pleasure for the rest of my life. I knew the only way was to Kill It Off. You must Kill It Off and KNOW you will never experience that feeling from alcohol ever again.

When you feel the desire to drink, IT is now your arch ENEMY. And the beauty is, YOU do not have to go along with ITs desire. YOU are NOT a HABITUATED APPETITE.

GT

Steely

I reached the point where I wanted to be sober more than what I wanted to drink. It was destroying my life, and I knew it. I have felt like you many times. I think many of us have.

I just kept getting up and trying again. And again.

I'm 10 months sober now and it is so much better. It gets easier too.

Keep posting.

Anna

It's probably different for everyone. I decided that I would never drink again, that alcohol was no longer an option, ever. Then, my mind shifted. I looked at the situation differently and knew I would have to make some big changes in my life right away.

fini

it stuck when i understood, accepted and admitted my drinking would never be different, would and could never be normal.

Nonsensical

Why can't I be rich like Warren Buffet?
Why can't I throw a football like Peyton Manning?
Why can't I be good looking like Brad Pitt?
What will I do next time I feel like drinking?

All those questions have answers. One of those answers propels me forward.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

least

For me, I turned the corner on my mindset when I truly wanted to be sober MORE than I wanted to drink. And when I started practicing gratitude every day, it helped my recovery.

Coldfusion

I believe I had a spiritual change when I decided to get help to quit drinking. I was not capable of doing it on my own. For me, a big part of getting help is going to AA meetings. But even after seven years, there are things about AA that don't "click" with me, so I keep working on my sobriety.

Be123

There is a scientific answer to your question - the pathways in your brain have been conditioned through years of drinking. The chemicals in your brain are imbalanced for the same reason. The way you process pleasure and reward are skewed; receptors are out of whack.

I take great solace in knowing this. I accepted my powerlessness - I cant beat science. My brain is the same as anyone else who drank like I did and it HAS TO BE LIKE THIS. It is science, innit. Morality, ethics, personality don't come in to it for me. It's neuroscience pure and simple.

I also found my higher power here - nature/science will mend my brain, the pathways and chemicals. If I do my bit in not drinking then nature will do the rest. If I work hard - at therapy, exercise, and in other ways - I can give nature a helping hand. Not drinking is hard for me so my bit is to work hard at doing that, I can rest and let the universe take care of everything else.

Im not in AA but the concept of acceptance and NOT DRINKING seem key to me. I'm at 8 months and still struggle with everything, but in a good way...life is a struggle and anything valuable has to be worked for

Good luck. Your brain's pathways are what makes decisions. Therefore you will choose to drink at some point. That's when the group is key because we can see the insanity of that...so when you feel yourself going there come to us and we'll be the brain you will earn in 6-24 months

shakeel

I've asked the same thing for years, I had been a relapser. I learned that there is no panacea that would fix this. You are trying out AA again, that is good and the way to imprint the feeling of sobriety into your brain (like you said) is just to do whatever program you are following to the best of youir ability.
I have been a chronic relapser for years and this is my daily program of recovery:
I pray the minute I get up, then I do the 3rd step prayer from AA, then I phrase verbatil the first step to myself. I follow it with the St Francis prayer. three times a day I do 5 mindfulness breaths and ask what can I do for my sobriety?. I have one meeting that I make sure I attend daily. I reply to posts on here twice a day. 3 times a day I think of a couple of things I am grateful for. I have a sponsor and working the steps with him.
Now, this is just me because I am just coming back after a relapse and I may be called "a tough" case if there is such a thing.

Dee74

Like many others, I just wore myself down to the point where I could no longer sustain the fantasy that I might be able to magically become one of those normal take it or leave it drinkers.

My relationship with alcohol had always and will always be disastrous.

Accepting that set me free and allowed lots of good things back into my life.

I’m never going back

D

brighterday1234

To wear life like a loose-fitting garment; the act of surrender 🙏

DriGuy

I remember when it clicked, and it was a click, a flash, and a moment. But there was a lot of pain, misery, and processing the problem that led to that moment. I knew that some people just one day quit, but I didn't embrace it, partly because I was locked in the mode of wanting to control my drinking. I think everyone of us hangs onto that fantasy as our first choice compromise with the problem. I'm a bright enough guy, not intentionally self destructive, and if other people can control their drinking then I should be able to control mine. People had offered that friendly advice to me, "You can drink, just control it." It sounds so real, so likely, so genuinely possible, and so simple, "Just control it." But for alcoholics, it's not possible, and we can't practice our way to or learn how to control. It's not in our cards.

At my first AA meeting, someone pointed out that the goal of the program was not control. The goal was to stop, and everyone was counting the number of days, weeks, or years since they quit, and many had years and years, if you can believe it, and the majority of them were happy with that. I arrived beaten and ready to surrender, so I thought, "OK, if that's the goal, I'm willing to try, because I can't take much more of what I'm doing right now."

That still wasn't the moment, however. It was just me being willing to try something I never considered before. A week later, the cravings started to ease up and I saw it as actually possible, and then it clicked. This is what I wanted. I'd known for years that I was out of control, and I had already surrendered to that knowledge, but I had never really considered not drinking ever again.

Today is sounds like a comic book scenario. A guy going to AA to learn how to control his drinking. I feel like an idiot just relating that story.

I think the flash came because I had gotten a record 10 days under my belt, and I was overwhelmed with gratitude to have made it that long. In addition, I could tell the cravings were going away. Now it was possible. I was having a great time, and recognized I was all in, at least when it came to sobriety. The rest of the program was fine, just not for me. But I do agree with the concept of seeking personal growth in sobriety, which is what the program tries to do, but focuses too much on spiritual growth for me. Personal growth has been the fun part of sobriety. That's where we find the contentment and joy. It's not there all the time, but when I get stressed I know it's there and I know how to find my way back to it.

You can find your version of this. I doubt it will feel to exactly the way I describe it, but I think you will spot it when it happens the way it's supposed to happen for you. Alcoholics like seeing other catch on, clean up, and progress. It inspires us all, so we all wish you the best.

Fusion

I tried AA for years, but didn't stop drinking, sadly, maybe I didn't work the Steps hard enough twice, who knows. What I do know is I was an all day, every day drinker, so pretty much lost. Until in desperation, I logged onto Sober Recovery and found the sub-forum, Secular Connections. There I discovered an alternative path to sobriety, that placed the power (to drink or not) firmly back into my own hands.

That plus learning about the neuroscience of addiction, on the internet, where there are enormous resources. I believe we are what we repeatedly do, habituated brains. I can never unlearn driving a car or riding a bicycle. I can never unlearn the fact that, at one time, alcohol was used as a tool to help me. Sadly, that alcohol tool nearly killed me, but my poor sad habituated brain (neuroscience and chemicals - research them) will never catch-up. Because that autonomous part of my brain is sub-cortex. My cortex, ME, doesn't want to drink, and two drinks will, neuroscience-wise, disengage my cortex, so that I revert to the habituated sub-cortex brain which wants to drink at crazy levels. That's my experience. Hope it helps..

D122y

It is more of a chemical imbalance than a moral problem or whatever.

The brain needs the booze to feel normal. The crave ramps up and morphs the first several months. Then I got used to it, but it still morphs.

I had to find other ways to get high. Exercise is my go to.

There are other ways besides exercise: Playing cards, watching shows, volunteer work, organizing the house etc etc. All of these things cause release of natural drugs that make me feel happy or at least content.

The brain damage is permanent. I will crave forever.

Thanks.