Here is where I am
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2020
Posts: 60
Here is where I am
I joined a few days ago but didn’t really know what to say or what to post so I am just going to go for it. I’ve been sober for five and a half weeks, I had to check the calendar because I haven’t been counting. I had to get sober to have a surgery that I really needed and I wasn’t going to jeopardise it through the consequences of drinking like high blood pressure, nasties in my blood tests etc. So two weeks before the surgery I stopped. After a lifetime of troubled drinking which definitely took a turn for the worse six years ago. I had a period of a year and a half sober a couple of years back, I was scared into that, things had got so bad by that point. I started again with one glass of wine. You all know the story. This time around I didn’t drink to blackout, didn’t upset anyone else, had no time off work. But twice a week soon turned onto three times, then five times till again I found myself drinking alcohol just about every day. The amount doesn’t matter. I was dependant. By the time my surgery was coming around and I knew I had to stop, it was a huge relief. I was so tired of the internal struggle, the ongoing dialogue, the hiding and the secrets. Over the lasT five weeks I have seen normal sleep return in spite of pain from the surgery. The bags under my eyes haven’t disappeared entirely but are not as pronounced, I just feel and look so much better. I want to stay this way so I’ve been reading on here a lot, I joined SMART, and I am drawn towards the secular sections on here, particularly AVRT. Problem is, because there have been no doomsday scenarios this time around, the AV is having a bit of a field day with that. ‘You weren’t, that bad, you were in control, you can keep drinking like that’. I know that’s all lies, every night spent drinking would take another piece of me and the essence of who I really am, I don’t want to live a lie.So that’s where Iam at now. Thank you so much if you’ve taken the time to read, I hope to be more active here than I have been in my first week!
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
That is the problem with booze. The addiction is so fierce and the recovery is so subtle.
I am over 5 years without intentional drinking to get drunk and I still crave.
Last night I was drinking a giant glass of refreshing water with ice and I recalled my drinking days of pure vodka on the rocks.
I used to be able to gulp it down.
It has taken a long time to get used to normal. Booze gave me euphoria. My mind was not able to recreate that.
So I suffered. Before SR I had no idea and I couldn't take the mental anguish.
Now I am used to it. I know I will crave for the rest of my life. If I end up not craving some day, that will be the AV morphing to try and get me to drink.
I am an addict for the rest of my life.
I am a born again non drinker. It was a learned behavior. I was not born an addict.
Hope this helps.
Thanks for the therapy.
I am over 5 years without intentional drinking to get drunk and I still crave.
Last night I was drinking a giant glass of refreshing water with ice and I recalled my drinking days of pure vodka on the rocks.
I used to be able to gulp it down.
It has taken a long time to get used to normal. Booze gave me euphoria. My mind was not able to recreate that.
So I suffered. Before SR I had no idea and I couldn't take the mental anguish.
Now I am used to it. I know I will crave for the rest of my life. If I end up not craving some day, that will be the AV morphing to try and get me to drink.
I am an addict for the rest of my life.
I am a born again non drinker. It was a learned behavior. I was not born an addict.
Hope this helps.
Thanks for the therapy.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
Originally Posted by Ladytron 
the AV is having a bit of a field day with that. ‘You weren’t, that bad, you were in control, you can keep drinking like that’.
Okay - the AV can be considered an EVIL CHILD. What do we do with a child when it arrives at a monumental disaster of an idea? We say "No."
We don't explain why. We don't get into a debate. We don't give it conversation. We just say "No." And walk away.
That's it. Don't drink. Send your AV to it's room and keep the door closed by every means possible.
You can do this if you only will.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Hi Ladytron. It's wonderful to have you with us & to read your story. I felt so much better when I began to open up here. To know I wasn't alone meant everything. You never have to go back to the misery of a drinking life. I hope you'll stay with us & keep reading & posting.
I felt so much better when I began to open up here. To know I wasn't alone meant everything. You never have to go back to the misery of a drinking life. I hope you'll stay with us & keep reading & posting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2020
Posts: 60
Thank you so much for the warm welcome and all the useful advice and input. I’ve read a few threads over the last few days and I guess the big question is how I go about this. A day at a time, well to my mind that’s the most ‘doable’ but for my drinkers brain, AV, it’s kind of leaving a door open for sometime down the line. I’m just musing aloud here, I know a lot of people have had huge success in sobriety using this method but something tells me I wouldn’t be one of them. I know I am going to have to commit to never drinking again, ever, no matter what. I like the finality and the decisiveness but at 5/6 weeks in it is a bit daunting. I guess I need to work on sorting this out in my head a bit more. But I won’t drink while I am doing it. Thanks again all, really appreciate your thoughtful replies
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,594
Congratulations Ladytron. Five and a half weeks in awesome.
I've hadd some good bouts with longish sobriety. Five years once. I'm either a slow learner, or I'm an idiot It has never worked. 'Something happens' after the first drink. And I've never been one for 1 drink. I always spiral.
I hope you stay and you get the support and knowledge you need to help keep you sober.
I've hadd some good bouts with longish sobriety. Five years once. I'm either a slow learner, or I'm an idiot
It has never worked. 'Something happens' after the first drink. And I've never been one for 1 drink. I always spiral. I hope you stay and you get the support and knowledge you need to help keep you sober.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
When I started recovery I went a day at a time because forever was something I couldn't wrap my head around - so I went day by day - with the clear proviso that each new day would bring a new commitment....
Eventually forever stopped worrying me because I was essentially already doing forever
D
Eventually forever stopped worrying me because I was essentially already doing forever
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 622
“I know I am going to have to commit to never drinking again, ever, no matter what.”
The below sounds easier said then done....Except for one*.
-Don't drink now. Play on words but if you do this, you are golden.
-Don't think past now. Thinking too far down the road didn't work for me.
-Physical activity no matter how insignificant it seems.
-Water, water and water. Hint...Drink water.
-SR as your homepage of your internet browser. Forced me to read threads because I don't have a choice but to got through SR to get to the interwebs.
-Don't argue/talk/reason with the AV. Kick the SOB to the curb as soon as it starts talking.
-*Eat Oreo cookies.
Good Luck.
The below sounds easier said then done....Except for one*.
-Don't drink now. Play on words but if you do this, you are golden.
-Don't think past now. Thinking too far down the road didn't work for me.
-Physical activity no matter how insignificant it seems.
-Water, water and water. Hint...Drink water.
-SR as your homepage of your internet browser. Forced me to read threads because I don't have a choice but to got through SR to get to the interwebs.
-Don't argue/talk/reason with the AV. Kick the SOB to the curb as soon as it starts talking.
-*Eat Oreo cookies.
Good Luck.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I quit drinking. Said the words, "I'm not going to drink again, I'm done with it." Then every day I gratefully recommit in the morning when I come here. I'm now six and a half years without a drink. I did it one day at a time, just like I do all of my life. Forever? Well, it works out to the same thing.
Whatever combination of words gets your head on the pillow sober tonight is the right way. Go forward in confidence that you can do it.
If you are living one half second in the past or living one half second in the future, you're living in illusion and illusion is the Province of fear.
Whatever combination of words gets your head on the pillow sober tonight is the right way. Go forward in confidence that you can do it.
If you are living one half second in the past or living one half second in the future, you're living in illusion and illusion is the Province of fear.
You've come to a great place for support.
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