No support from alcoholic spouse
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Join Date: Jun 2020
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No support from alcoholic spouse
Ok my 2nd day, feel good. My husband comes home, obviously had a few. Of course he says i only had 1 shot and 1 beer. After 20 years, i know better. Then he proceeds to tell me everything wrong with me, from my being overweight, to not doing anything, etc. I just want to cry and drink and forget, but i just said i can't do this right now. Now I'm hiding in the bedroom. I know he's drunk, cause he's repeating himself. Anyway, so frustrated. But not drinking.so that's something.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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Sounds like it he is scared of losing his drinking buddy and his power over you.
Don't let him. If your marriage goes, it goes. In my case, it went and we are both so much better off. He is still a jerk, but he is someone else's jerk.
The only important thing right now is not to drink, and not to change your mind. Your alcoholic voice (AV) will use your husband's behavior and anything else it can to convince you that you cant do this, but you can.
You really can.
Don't let him. If your marriage goes, it goes. In my case, it went and we are both so much better off. He is still a jerk, but he is someone else's jerk.
The only important thing right now is not to drink, and not to change your mind. Your alcoholic voice (AV) will use your husband's behavior and anything else it can to convince you that you cant do this, but you can.
You really can.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Sounds like a nightmare. I would recommend heavy doses of both AA and Al-Anon. This person will not be a good support for you and could be detrimental to your sobriety. Please find the support and tools you will need.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,100
My husband started doing yoga and walking about 2 weeks ago. I've been with him for 25 years and never thought in a million years he'd walk...let alone do yoga.
I have yet to start a regular exercise routine.
It's embarrassing, but I've been fighting off feelings of resentment towards him. One minute I tell him I'm happy for him and the next I turn into a nasty b****. We sat down and talked about it last night. The problem is, he's making me face my deficits and short comings and I don't like it. I think it's called "projecting feelings" in the psychology world.
With this understanding, I'm changing focus...to exercise. He's enabling me to exercise. Enabling doesn't have to be negative.
Maybe he's projecting because you're sober and he's not? If he is, you have alcohol in the mix which further complicates things.
I'm just grateful that after 8 months sober, the urge to drink has all but vanished. Now I get to work on all this "self-improvement" stuff...which I really grateful for. Keep going!
I have yet to start a regular exercise routine.
It's embarrassing, but I've been fighting off feelings of resentment towards him. One minute I tell him I'm happy for him and the next I turn into a nasty b****. We sat down and talked about it last night. The problem is, he's making me face my deficits and short comings and I don't like it. I think it's called "projecting feelings" in the psychology world.
With this understanding, I'm changing focus...to exercise. He's enabling me to exercise. Enabling doesn't have to be negative.
Maybe he's projecting because you're sober and he's not? If he is, you have alcohol in the mix which further complicates things.
I'm just grateful that after 8 months sober, the urge to drink has all but vanished. Now I get to work on all this "self-improvement" stuff...which I really grateful for. Keep going!
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 8
I'll offer my experience, for whatever its worth. My wife is an alcoholic. She still drinks. I'm sober, just got a year a few weeks ago. It's been a hard transition, but actually good for our marriage.
She's a very fighty drunk. Our marriage was definitely on the rocks by the time I checked into rehab. I saw no way that we were going to be able to stay together after I got sober. I needed that drunk blur to survive the repetitive onslaughts of anger each night. She was unamused at my getting sober, and opposed to the program. Trash talked AA at every opportunity.
But instead, with a sober mind, I managed the situation differently. I explained that being sober was paramount to me, and that her drinking in front of me wasn't helping. Therefore, I told her that if she wanted to drink I couldn't stop her, but that we simply needed to separate for the night when she wanted to drink. No hard feelings, I'm not mad about it, but that's gotta be the end of our evening.
With a sober approach, I convinced her to live with that boundary. Now, every night around 8:00 she goes upstairs. I stay downstairs. She drinks. I read, play my video game, whatever. If she comes down to fight, I've made very clear that its unacceptable, and that if she can't control that one single boundary I will leave the marriage. 95% of the time she honors the boundary.
As a result, we're fighting less. No more drunken fights with angry words building resentments. We have less time together, but its sober and productive for our relationship. We're actually enjoying some of our time in the evenings, before she heads upstairs.
It's not the marriage I may have hoped for. I'd like more time with her, and less living in fear that she'll break my boundary. I do hope she gets sober someday, but can't force her to, and I have no control over that. I've tried to forgive her for the stuff she's said drunk, blame it on the booze rather than her, and I'm doing well at working on those resentments -- but they pop back up like old trauma when she chooses to come back downstairs and pick a fight once in a while. But I'll keep working.
But there really is hope. My approach was a boundary. You may find a different approach with a little sobriety. It's amazing what we can do with a sober focused mind.
Keep up the good work. You can do it -- I've managed it, and I'm nothing special, just another cliche drunk. These situations are tricky but really, truly, there may be a path that becomes available if you stay sober and keep looking for it. Check out the Al-Anon literature, it has some good hints for living with an alcoholic partner.
She's a very fighty drunk. Our marriage was definitely on the rocks by the time I checked into rehab. I saw no way that we were going to be able to stay together after I got sober. I needed that drunk blur to survive the repetitive onslaughts of anger each night. She was unamused at my getting sober, and opposed to the program. Trash talked AA at every opportunity.
But instead, with a sober mind, I managed the situation differently. I explained that being sober was paramount to me, and that her drinking in front of me wasn't helping. Therefore, I told her that if she wanted to drink I couldn't stop her, but that we simply needed to separate for the night when she wanted to drink. No hard feelings, I'm not mad about it, but that's gotta be the end of our evening.
With a sober approach, I convinced her to live with that boundary. Now, every night around 8:00 she goes upstairs. I stay downstairs. She drinks. I read, play my video game, whatever. If she comes down to fight, I've made very clear that its unacceptable, and that if she can't control that one single boundary I will leave the marriage. 95% of the time she honors the boundary.
As a result, we're fighting less. No more drunken fights with angry words building resentments. We have less time together, but its sober and productive for our relationship. We're actually enjoying some of our time in the evenings, before she heads upstairs.
It's not the marriage I may have hoped for. I'd like more time with her, and less living in fear that she'll break my boundary. I do hope she gets sober someday, but can't force her to, and I have no control over that. I've tried to forgive her for the stuff she's said drunk, blame it on the booze rather than her, and I'm doing well at working on those resentments -- but they pop back up like old trauma when she chooses to come back downstairs and pick a fight once in a while. But I'll keep working.
But there really is hope. My approach was a boundary. You may find a different approach with a little sobriety. It's amazing what we can do with a sober focused mind.
Keep up the good work. You can do it -- I've managed it, and I'm nothing special, just another cliche drunk. These situations are tricky but really, truly, there may be a path that becomes available if you stay sober and keep looking for it. Check out the Al-Anon literature, it has some good hints for living with an alcoholic partner.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Yeah, well it's a lot different for a man to lay down a, "Go somewhere else when you drink," boundary than it is for a woman to try that very same tactic. I'm assuming you're male, SoberSax.
I've been in two physically abusive live-in relationships in which the anger/emotional/physical abuse escalated with alcohol and drugs. The only safe thing for me to do was wait till they were away and move out, disappear and never go back.
I've been in two physically abusive live-in relationships in which the anger/emotional/physical abuse escalated with alcohol and drugs. The only safe thing for me to do was wait till they were away and move out, disappear and never go back.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
Yeah, well it's a lot different for a man to lay down a, "Go somewhere else when you drink," boundary than it is for a woman to try that very same tactic.
I've been in two physically abusive live-in relationships in which the anger/emotional/physical abuse escalated with alcohol and drugs. The only safe thing for me to do was wait till they were away and move out.
I've been in two physically abusive live-in relationships in which the anger/emotional/physical abuse escalated with alcohol and drugs. The only safe thing for me to do was wait till they were away and move out.
I'm just giving my experience that a relationship with an alcoholic partner (assuming no abuse, etc) can be managed during sobriety in some circumstances. One size never fits all, your mileage may vary, no advice offered -- just offering experience, strength and hope.
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Hi Backtogood, and I'm glad you're sober.
Verbal abuse, name-calling, is abuse. I hope you begin to see that you don't need to accept living with someone who tears you down. Maybe AlAnon in your city would be helpful for you.
Verbal abuse, name-calling, is abuse. I hope you begin to see that you don't need to accept living with someone who tears you down. Maybe AlAnon in your city would be helpful for you.
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Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 1,189
Originally Posted by SoberSaxophone
I'll offer my experience, for whatever its worth. My wife is an alcoholic. She still drinks. I'm sober, just got a year a few weeks ago. It's been a hard transition, but actually good for our marriage.
She's a very fighty drunk. Our marriage was definitely on the rocks by the time I checked into rehab. I saw no way that we were going to be able to stay together after I got sober. I needed that drunk blur to survive the repetitive onslaughts of anger each night. She was unamused at my getting sober, and opposed to the program. Trash talked AA at every opportunity.
But instead, with a sober mind, I managed the situation differently. I explained that being sober was paramount to me, and that her drinking in front of me wasn't helping. Therefore, I told her that if she wanted to drink I couldn't stop her, but that we simply needed to separate for the night when she wanted to drink. No hard feelings, I'm not mad about it, but that's gotta be the end of our evening.
With a sober approach, I convinced her to live with that boundary. Now, every night around 8:00 she goes upstairs. I stay downstairs. She drinks. I read, play my video game, whatever. If she comes down to fight, I've made very clear that its unacceptable, and that if she can't control that one single boundary I will leave the marriage. 95% of the time she honors the boundary.
As a result, we're fighting less. No more drunken fights with angry words building resentments. We have less time together, but its sober and productive for our relationship. We're actually enjoying some of our time in the evenings, before she heads upstairs.
It's not the marriage I may have hoped for. I'd like more time with her, and less living in fear that she'll break my boundary. I do hope she gets sober someday, but can't force her to, and I have no control over that. I've tried to forgive her for the stuff she's said drunk, blame it on the booze rather than her, and I'm doing well at working on those resentments -- but they pop back up like old trauma when she chooses to come back downstairs and pick a fight once in a while. But I'll keep working.
But there really is hope. My approach was a boundary. You may find a different approach with a little sobriety. It's amazing what we can do with a sober focused mind.
Keep up the good work. You can do it -- I've managed it, and I'm nothing special, just another cliche drunk. These situations are tricky but really, truly, there may be a path that becomes available if you stay sober and keep looking for it. Check out the Al-Anon literature, it has some good hints for living with an alcoholic partner.
She's a very fighty drunk. Our marriage was definitely on the rocks by the time I checked into rehab. I saw no way that we were going to be able to stay together after I got sober. I needed that drunk blur to survive the repetitive onslaughts of anger each night. She was unamused at my getting sober, and opposed to the program. Trash talked AA at every opportunity.
But instead, with a sober mind, I managed the situation differently. I explained that being sober was paramount to me, and that her drinking in front of me wasn't helping. Therefore, I told her that if she wanted to drink I couldn't stop her, but that we simply needed to separate for the night when she wanted to drink. No hard feelings, I'm not mad about it, but that's gotta be the end of our evening.
With a sober approach, I convinced her to live with that boundary. Now, every night around 8:00 she goes upstairs. I stay downstairs. She drinks. I read, play my video game, whatever. If she comes down to fight, I've made very clear that its unacceptable, and that if she can't control that one single boundary I will leave the marriage. 95% of the time she honors the boundary.
As a result, we're fighting less. No more drunken fights with angry words building resentments. We have less time together, but its sober and productive for our relationship. We're actually enjoying some of our time in the evenings, before she heads upstairs.
It's not the marriage I may have hoped for. I'd like more time with her, and less living in fear that she'll break my boundary. I do hope she gets sober someday, but can't force her to, and I have no control over that. I've tried to forgive her for the stuff she's said drunk, blame it on the booze rather than her, and I'm doing well at working on those resentments -- but they pop back up like old trauma when she chooses to come back downstairs and pick a fight once in a while. But I'll keep working.
But there really is hope. My approach was a boundary. You may find a different approach with a little sobriety. It's amazing what we can do with a sober focused mind.
Keep up the good work. You can do it -- I've managed it, and I'm nothing special, just another cliche drunk. These situations are tricky but really, truly, there may be a path that becomes available if you stay sober and keep looking for it. Check out the Al-Anon literature, it has some good hints for living with an alcoholic partner.
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Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 1,189
Originally Posted by Anna
Hi Backtogood, and I'm glad you're sober.
Verbal abuse, name-calling, is abuse. I hope you begin to see that you don't need to accept living with someone who tears you down. Maybe AlAnon in your city would be helpful for you.
Verbal abuse, name-calling, is abuse. I hope you begin to see that you don't need to accept living with someone who tears you down. Maybe AlAnon in your city would be helpful for you.
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Join Date: Jul 2020
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Originally Posted by Backtogood
I agree, and i think in our 20 years of drinking together we both have been verbally abusive, while drunk, at some point. I'm working on me, for me. If he wants to be part of that, great. If he wants to split, i will be sad, but okay. I think at some point you become numb to the put downs.
I admire your tenacity with regard to quitting drinking even though you've chosen to stay in the same house with your husband as he drinks.
.
I hope that works out for you and that you don't succumb.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
I feel for you....
I have been dealing with the drunken husband too. Not abusive though, but totally unsupportive and that's been hard enough. I don't know what to say except that I'm sending love and support to you.
I have been dealing with the drunken husband too. Not abusive though, but totally unsupportive and that's been hard enough. I don't know what to say except that I'm sending love and support to you.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
My spouse isn't verbally abusive to me so much as he falls into a negative toxic spiral of depression and resentment towards the world. If I am out of town, which I am for work fairly often, I cannot rely that he will not get loaded and not take care of himself and he doesn't deal with managing things except at the most minimal level. It scares the crap out of me, especially as our two dogs need care while I am away, and so far he manages it, but we all know things go downhill over time.
I have been pretty much at the end of my rope, and it has put my own sobriety at risk (including relapse and failure) many times. From this experience, I really suggest you focus on your own sobriety and don't let what he says / does compromise that. It may mean the end of your marriage, or he may choose to get with the program and get sober himself, which my spouse has recently done.
I am putting my sobriety first at this point, and hoping that he truly is getting sober for good, but I know I will have to think deeply about what I want from the rest of my life if he decides to continue drinking in the future. At this point, I hate alcohol and everything to do with it, and I don't want it in my life or home in any form. That feeling just gets stronger the longer I am sober.
I wish you the very best.
I have been pretty much at the end of my rope, and it has put my own sobriety at risk (including relapse and failure) many times. From this experience, I really suggest you focus on your own sobriety and don't let what he says / does compromise that. It may mean the end of your marriage, or he may choose to get with the program and get sober himself, which my spouse has recently done.
I am putting my sobriety first at this point, and hoping that he truly is getting sober for good, but I know I will have to think deeply about what I want from the rest of my life if he decides to continue drinking in the future. At this point, I hate alcohol and everything to do with it, and I don't want it in my life or home in any form. That feeling just gets stronger the longer I am sober.
I wish you the very best.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 64
Hello Backtogood, My husband was my drinking buddy for over 40 years. It was fun, way back when we were young, even though there were warnings way back that this drinking was becoming a problem. I attempted to quit many times, without success. My husband had no desire to quit, even after getting in trouble with the law because of his drinking. But I kept trying, and one day I decided that I had really had enough. I told my husband I was quitting drinking. My husband continued to drink, but I was DONE. My thoughts changed as I went on this journey of sobriety. I was sad and mad at my husband, who continued to drink right in front of me. I had to learn that this was my journey, not his, and I needed to take care of myself. I did. I have no desire to drink and a much more positive outlook for myself and my time left here on earth. It feels great to be sober. I was, and am, proud of myself for this accomplishment, and I would never, ever, want to go back to that lifestyle.
Forward 4 years from that very hard and stressful time and my husband has just gone to rehab for a month and is starting his own journey to recovery. I hope he can stay the course. He has a supportive and knowledgeable spouse in the background, although he knows that this is his journey. I will continue on mine.
Help yourself, do what you need for yourself, and be good to yourself. Maybe down the road your husband will see all of the positive aspects of being sober and will change his thoughts about alcohol. It is not an easy journey, but one that reaps rewards way beyond the effort. And it gets easier, I promise. You have that extra burden of having a drinking spouse, but for me, it made me stronger and more committed to be successful. Do what you need to do. One day in the future, you will be able to smile at yourself!
Forward 4 years from that very hard and stressful time and my husband has just gone to rehab for a month and is starting his own journey to recovery. I hope he can stay the course. He has a supportive and knowledgeable spouse in the background, although he knows that this is his journey. I will continue on mine.
Help yourself, do what you need for yourself, and be good to yourself. Maybe down the road your husband will see all of the positive aspects of being sober and will change his thoughts about alcohol. It is not an easy journey, but one that reaps rewards way beyond the effort. And it gets easier, I promise. You have that extra burden of having a drinking spouse, but for me, it made me stronger and more committed to be successful. Do what you need to do. One day in the future, you will be able to smile at yourself!
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