Acceptance that 'I cannot drink'
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
Acceptance that 'I cannot drink'
Hi everyone.
Im sober 189 days. I'm loving sobriety and moving forward physically, emotionally, socially and growing as a person.
Ive had a really tricky week or so. I decided to drink (didn't act on it obviously!), and have battled loads with going back and forth with this decision. I keep making it; I keep un-making it
I feel that at its heart my difficulty lies in not being able to accept that I am done with alcohol. I hear people say: You need to totally accept you cannot drink. I fully agree, but could the people who've managed this tell me HOW they managed it? It's like with letting go of anger - fine in principle, but HOW?
Any people who've managed this please let me know the process you went through to get to the point of total acceptance of NEVER being able to drink
Im sober 189 days. I'm loving sobriety and moving forward physically, emotionally, socially and growing as a person.
Ive had a really tricky week or so. I decided to drink (didn't act on it obviously!), and have battled loads with going back and forth with this decision. I keep making it; I keep un-making it
I feel that at its heart my difficulty lies in not being able to accept that I am done with alcohol. I hear people say: You need to totally accept you cannot drink. I fully agree, but could the people who've managed this tell me HOW they managed it? It's like with letting go of anger - fine in principle, but HOW?
Any people who've managed this please let me know the process you went through to get to the point of total acceptance of NEVER being able to drink
Member
Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: England
Posts: 315
I haven't been off the drink long, but I find it helps to say I will not drink rather than I can't drink. I can drink, I can drink like a trooper, that's why I won't start drinking. I dunno, it just gives more of a sense of control back to me. Won't is sort of pro active and can't is sort of I dunno, deprivation?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 67
Hey Be,
Congrats on your sober time and for not acting on your decision!
There are going to be tricky weeks and days when life throws up difficult times and the reaction of alcoholics is to think that drinking would somehow help.
In the last 20 months I’ve certainly had a few of those. For me this is where one day at a time comes in. I say to myself at those moments that if drinking is a good idea today then it will still be a good idea tomorrow. And tomorrow comes and the idea has gone.
This reaction that drinking is a good idea has all but gone. The more time goes on I don’t think that I’m never going to drink again - it’s been replaced with I don’t want to work again.
Work through the current difficulty you have sober and once passed you will be glad you didn’t drink and look back and laugh at yourself for thinking it would solve things
Congrats on your sober time and for not acting on your decision!
There are going to be tricky weeks and days when life throws up difficult times and the reaction of alcoholics is to think that drinking would somehow help.
In the last 20 months I’ve certainly had a few of those. For me this is where one day at a time comes in. I say to myself at those moments that if drinking is a good idea today then it will still be a good idea tomorrow. And tomorrow comes and the idea has gone.
This reaction that drinking is a good idea has all but gone. The more time goes on I don’t think that I’m never going to drink again - it’s been replaced with I don’t want to work again.
Work through the current difficulty you have sober and once passed you will be glad you didn’t drink and look back and laugh at yourself for thinking it would solve things
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
This was a tough one for me, but key to my five years. I had stopped very successfully for the five years or so before that as well, but with some breaks in between due to this lack of acceptance.
I agree with Phil, I do not say I cant drink I say I dont drink, but I dont drink because of the fact that I know in my heart that I cannot drink in the sense that it will always start another cycle. There is no such thing for me as drinking without starting the will I, will I not, and eventually drinking starting to run my show.
This is the same as when I quit smoking many many years ago. The moment I realised that I was addicted and it was running my life and would probably eventually kill me, I was able to stop. But the staying stopped depended on me realising in my soul that starting again only meant having to stop again and that was not worth any amount of smoke or drink because stopping was hard and none of us know how many stops we have in us.
I love Dee's mantra that abstinence is not control. For me, once I "knew" that for me this was true the acceptance came.
Not to say it does not enter my mind that maybe I could drink (funny that never happens with smoking). When it does, what stops me is the fact that I know that it would only be a short time before I was having to have the constant debates etc etc. I love the freedom that being sober gives me.
For me it truly was a decision to stop and never to change the decision. I cannot explain it properly, but once it was decided by ME, the AV was answered simply by -- but I dont drink. I do not say I never want to, I just dont. Dont kick my dog, dont drink.
And its funny when I read your post, I just want to should DONT DO IT, ITS NOT WORTH IT. Which is really what it comes down to for ME.
I also want to say one thing. For those of us who are really addicted to alcohol and manage to stop successfully, we are the champions (can hear Queen now). Take that AV!
XX
I agree with Phil, I do not say I cant drink I say I dont drink, but I dont drink because of the fact that I know in my heart that I cannot drink in the sense that it will always start another cycle. There is no such thing for me as drinking without starting the will I, will I not, and eventually drinking starting to run my show.
This is the same as when I quit smoking many many years ago. The moment I realised that I was addicted and it was running my life and would probably eventually kill me, I was able to stop. But the staying stopped depended on me realising in my soul that starting again only meant having to stop again and that was not worth any amount of smoke or drink because stopping was hard and none of us know how many stops we have in us.
I love Dee's mantra that abstinence is not control. For me, once I "knew" that for me this was true the acceptance came.
Not to say it does not enter my mind that maybe I could drink (funny that never happens with smoking). When it does, what stops me is the fact that I know that it would only be a short time before I was having to have the constant debates etc etc. I love the freedom that being sober gives me.
For me it truly was a decision to stop and never to change the decision. I cannot explain it properly, but once it was decided by ME, the AV was answered simply by -- but I dont drink. I do not say I never want to, I just dont. Dont kick my dog, dont drink.
And its funny when I read your post, I just want to should DONT DO IT, ITS NOT WORTH IT. Which is really what it comes down to for ME.
I also want to say one thing. For those of us who are really addicted to alcohol and manage to stop successfully, we are the champions (can hear Queen now). Take that AV!
XX
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 622
For me and my mental mind games, I don't think past now if the urge strikes. The urges or the thoughts have diminished but the AV does pop-up every now and again and it's dismissed. I refuse to debate with it.
Wanting to be sober more then drinking has help a ton along with visiting this site everyday multiple times per day.
Also, unfortunately reading others relapse stories reinforce my quit.
YMMV
Wanting to be sober more then drinking has help a ton along with visiting this site everyday multiple times per day.
Also, unfortunately reading others relapse stories reinforce my quit.
YMMV
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: East Midlands UK
Posts: 502
I think this is a fantastic post. I know I can only 100% speak from my perspective but looking at other posts I guess others see it to.
We know we need to walk the walk and talk the talk, but how to get over those horrible cravings that falsely tell us otherwise.
Will be following this and taking notes xx
We know we need to walk the walk and talk the talk, but how to get over those horrible cravings that falsely tell us otherwise.
Will be following this and taking notes xx
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
That's the second time today someones asked me about acceptance so same answer I guess.
You might also add I tried hard to build a sober life I love. My drinking life no longer fit sober me.
You've had 6 months to judge not drinking - I know you see improvement, when you look back at your drinking, I'm sure you feel regret for the things its cost you.
whats stopping you from closing the door completely on drinking Be - is it pride, fear, resentment of others, euphoric recall?
D
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I think the more I lived sober, the more I saw how viable it was.
The key to that of course is not drinking for an expended period of time...so I guess that's a Catch 22 thing.
I threw everything I had at that challenge tho..I had a bad last detox so in one way fear of dying kept me focused....but yeah, I looked at all the reasons situations and feelings that 'made' me drink and vowed to do something about each and every one of those things.
Some days I went to extraordinary lengths to not drink..but I went to extraordinary lengths to drink too, for a lot of years.
D
The key to that of course is not drinking for an expended period of time...so I guess that's a Catch 22 thing.
I threw everything I had at that challenge tho..I had a bad last detox so in one way fear of dying kept me focused....but yeah, I looked at all the reasons situations and feelings that 'made' me drink and vowed to do something about each and every one of those things.
Some days I went to extraordinary lengths to not drink..but I went to extraordinary lengths to drink too, for a lot of years.
D
You've had 6 months to judge not drinking - I know you see improvement, when you look back at your drinking, I'm sure you feel regret for the things its cost you.
whats stopping you from closing the door completely on drinking Be - is it pride, fear, resentment of others, euphoric recall?
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
I don’t subscribe to any particular recovery program. I think there is wisdom in many of them, but I didn’t follow one school of thought when I sobered up. For me, the change came when I accepted that, “I don’t want to drink without drinking to excess”. When I took the addiction question out of the equation, I am still left with the understanding that when I drank, it was with a mission to get to blackout and oblivion. Just the thought of having “a glass or two” sets my teeth on edge, even now. So, since I don’t wish to sit here and bounce between drunk and miserable and sobering up and miserable, I relinquish the brief relief alcohol brings and live my life differently.
I have no doubt that through sheer determination I drank myself to physical and psychological addiction. But I got to that point because moderation was never a thing I practiced.
-bora
I have no doubt that through sheer determination I drank myself to physical and psychological addiction. But I got to that point because moderation was never a thing I practiced.
-bora
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,240
After family placed me into the hands of those capable
of teaching me about my addiction and program of recovery
that I could and would incorporate in my daily life, I was
told by my spouse at that time, if I ever picked up a drink
of alcohol again, then I would be thrown out of the house.
That would mean I would loose my little family, house, car,
my 2 precious babies, marriage, everything.
How dare you tell me that I said to myself some 30 yrs
ago when I entered recovery and completed a 28 day
rehab stay with a 6 week aftercare program attached.
Yes, that ultimatum fueled every ounce of my being and
determination to do whatever it took to remain sober and
achieve what so many before me had been achieving in
their own recovery lives.
Health, happiness, honesty and a freedom from their
addiction that kept them on their merry go round of craziness.
Back in 1990, all I had and all I knew was what was taught
to me at that time. This program of recovery called AA, Alcoholics
Anonymous. It was a set of 12 steps and 12 traditions that
I would use as a guideline to live by if I wanted to achieve
the promises and gifts so many talked about.
Something I wanted so badly in my life.
For yrs, i did the footwork necessary to achieve many of those
amazing blessings in life and recovery. I attended many meetings,
2 some days as I hung on balancing family life and recovery.
Meetings like Big Book studies, Step studies, discussion
meetings, conventions, open, closed, listening, learning,
absorbing and applying these lessons of how to live my life
sober a day at a time, making amends, letting go of anger,
resentments, being honest, forgiving, caring, service and
helping folks.
Changing my attitude, getting out of self, selfishness, self
seeking ways and thoughts, etc, with willingness, openmindedmess
and once again honesty.
It took me a good while to achieve that honesty part in
my life, but once i did, a whole new freedom I had not
experienced before happened and I knew it and felt
it deep within my heart and soul.
Living a sober life has become a spiritual journey. Having
faith in a Higher Power, God of my understanding that I
was brought up on, taught in family and school and now
in recovery has strengthened me to become the best person
I can possibly be today not only to myself but to countless
others.
I had to let go of the poison that was killing me in order to
accept what is worth fighting and living for. And yes, i continue
today, no matter what life throws my way, i will use what was taught
to me over the past 30 yrs sober to continue achieving many
of lifes blessings and gifts.
Why am I still here in SR and still sober?
Well, what was taught to me is, I cant keep what Ive achieved
over the yrs, if I dont give it away. It is as simple as that. All I
have to do is pass on my own experiences, strengths and hopes
to others struggling with addiction, still sick, like I was, of what
my life was and is like, before, during and after addiction.
In doing so, I stay connected to my recovery lifelines and
never forget what got me here in the first place. It keeps me
grounded and gives me a purpose in life. A responsibility worth
living for.
of teaching me about my addiction and program of recovery
that I could and would incorporate in my daily life, I was
told by my spouse at that time, if I ever picked up a drink
of alcohol again, then I would be thrown out of the house.
That would mean I would loose my little family, house, car,
my 2 precious babies, marriage, everything.
How dare you tell me that I said to myself some 30 yrs
ago when I entered recovery and completed a 28 day
rehab stay with a 6 week aftercare program attached.
Yes, that ultimatum fueled every ounce of my being and
determination to do whatever it took to remain sober and
achieve what so many before me had been achieving in
their own recovery lives.
Health, happiness, honesty and a freedom from their
addiction that kept them on their merry go round of craziness.
Back in 1990, all I had and all I knew was what was taught
to me at that time. This program of recovery called AA, Alcoholics
Anonymous. It was a set of 12 steps and 12 traditions that
I would use as a guideline to live by if I wanted to achieve
the promises and gifts so many talked about.
Something I wanted so badly in my life.
For yrs, i did the footwork necessary to achieve many of those
amazing blessings in life and recovery. I attended many meetings,
2 some days as I hung on balancing family life and recovery.
Meetings like Big Book studies, Step studies, discussion
meetings, conventions, open, closed, listening, learning,
absorbing and applying these lessons of how to live my life
sober a day at a time, making amends, letting go of anger,
resentments, being honest, forgiving, caring, service and
helping folks.
Changing my attitude, getting out of self, selfishness, self
seeking ways and thoughts, etc, with willingness, openmindedmess
and once again honesty.
It took me a good while to achieve that honesty part in
my life, but once i did, a whole new freedom I had not
experienced before happened and I knew it and felt
it deep within my heart and soul.
Living a sober life has become a spiritual journey. Having
faith in a Higher Power, God of my understanding that I
was brought up on, taught in family and school and now
in recovery has strengthened me to become the best person
I can possibly be today not only to myself but to countless
others.
I had to let go of the poison that was killing me in order to
accept what is worth fighting and living for. And yes, i continue
today, no matter what life throws my way, i will use what was taught
to me over the past 30 yrs sober to continue achieving many
of lifes blessings and gifts.
Why am I still here in SR and still sober?
Well, what was taught to me is, I cant keep what Ive achieved
over the yrs, if I dont give it away. It is as simple as that. All I
have to do is pass on my own experiences, strengths and hopes
to others struggling with addiction, still sick, like I was, of what
my life was and is like, before, during and after addiction.
In doing so, I stay connected to my recovery lifelines and
never forget what got me here in the first place. It keeps me
grounded and gives me a purpose in life. A responsibility worth
living for.
Not a native English speaker
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Latin Europe
Posts: 152
Originally Posted by boreas
For me, the change came when I accepted that, “I don’t want to drink without drinking to excess”.
This lead me to another conclusion: "Therefore, I can't and won't drink anymore".
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 1,183
Hi Be. You have much more sobriety under your belt than I do, but what's helped me is just understanding that alcohol for me is like a negative interest rate investment. Why would I put my assets (life, family, health, finances) into an investment that causes them to lose their value? Alcohol takes more from me than what I perceive it to give.
I have a finance education so this was a pattern of thought that works for me, but point is that you have to agree both consciously and unconsciously that you get no benefit from it. Easier to let it go.
I have a finance education so this was a pattern of thought that works for me, but point is that you have to agree both consciously and unconsciously that you get no benefit from it. Easier to let it go.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 365
Good thread. Somebody up there said it's not about "I can't" so much as "I won't" or "I don't." That's how it is for me. One of my relapses started with telling a family member, "I can't drink." Their answer was, "Why not? Of course you can! Here," handing me a drink. How could I argue with that logic? If I had said, "I don't drink anymore," things might have gone differently.
So for me what works is just saying it over and over again. "I don't drink." Of course I could, but I really, really don't want to.
So for me what works is just saying it over and over again. "I don't drink." Of course I could, but I really, really don't want to.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,100
One thing that stands out for me is entertaining the AV. After 8 months sober I still do not give the AV any space in my head. As soon as it comes I immediately change direction: eat, watch YouTube, come to SR, whatever.
I also decided to TRUST that Eventually my life would get better. Im still in that mode which gives me hope. And surely enough I’m seeing results...slowly. We have to have realistic expectations this early in the game. I’m looking at myself as being reborn and just like a toddler I’m going to have my tantrums... that is ok. Growing up is not easy!
Also:
-I choose gratitude. I’m more inclined to see the problems in things so this has been a lot of work. I’m learning that gratitude is a choice. i can choose to focus on the good.
-trying to moderate Killed my efforts for a very long time. Accepting moderation was not for me came to fruition when I realized how much time it took to actually do that. So when I was moderating I was either consumed by drinking or thoughts about drinking. This is one of the things I reflect on when drinking seems feasible.
Around 6 months and the one year mark seems to be the breaking point for some. Probably you’ve created enough distance between you and the trauma of booze where your original reasons And related feeling are not in the forefront of your mind like they were?
All the best
I also decided to TRUST that Eventually my life would get better. Im still in that mode which gives me hope. And surely enough I’m seeing results...slowly. We have to have realistic expectations this early in the game. I’m looking at myself as being reborn and just like a toddler I’m going to have my tantrums... that is ok. Growing up is not easy!
Also:
-I choose gratitude. I’m more inclined to see the problems in things so this has been a lot of work. I’m learning that gratitude is a choice. i can choose to focus on the good.
-trying to moderate Killed my efforts for a very long time. Accepting moderation was not for me came to fruition when I realized how much time it took to actually do that. So when I was moderating I was either consumed by drinking or thoughts about drinking. This is one of the things I reflect on when drinking seems feasible.
Around 6 months and the one year mark seems to be the breaking point for some. Probably you’ve created enough distance between you and the trauma of booze where your original reasons And related feeling are not in the forefront of your mind like they were?
All the best
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
not sure about the "process", other than my seemingly never-ending returns to drinking.
which brought me to the moment of clarity, finally!, that my drinking would never ever be different. that i could not control or moderate.
i was done, then.
accepted.
have not needed to make any decisions about not/drinking since that day.
it was the clarity of really, truthfully seeing my history, my story, myself in relation with alcohol.
which brought me to the moment of clarity, finally!, that my drinking would never ever be different. that i could not control or moderate.
i was done, then.
accepted.
have not needed to make any decisions about not/drinking since that day.
it was the clarity of really, truthfully seeing my history, my story, myself in relation with alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,100
Also, the wording we choose is important like others have said. Saying “moderation is not for me” creates less anxiety than saying “I can’t moderate”. What do you mean I can’t, noone tells me what to do, dammit! Of course, that’s me, I’m very stubborn.
words like would’ve, should’ve and can’t are on the negative side. For me positive self talk is important.
words like would’ve, should’ve and can’t are on the negative side. For me positive self talk is important.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
Have you read the Doctor's Opinion in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous? It tells of the 2 fold illness that is alcoholism. The phenonoman of craving that occurs in the body of an alcoholic once alcohol is taken. That is where Step 1 comes in. I am powerless over alcohol. Once I put that first drink in me all bets are off. I have no idea where it will take me. Knowing that I had a physical allergy to alcohol helped me find acceptance.
The 2nd part of the illness centres in my mind. If I only suffered from the phenomen of craving then putting down the drink takes care of that. But my illness centres in my mind. The compulsion to take that first drink. That's where my recovery programme comes in.
Finding acceptance has given me freedom from the chains of alcohol. Sometimes I can find myself going into a bit of self-pity. Poor me, I can't drink like "normal" folk. But I can easily get myself out of that way of thinking now by accepting that that is just how it is with me and alcohol and practising gratitude for all the things I have in my life today because I do not drink.
❤🙏❤🙏
The 2nd part of the illness centres in my mind. If I only suffered from the phenomen of craving then putting down the drink takes care of that. But my illness centres in my mind. The compulsion to take that first drink. That's where my recovery programme comes in.
Finding acceptance has given me freedom from the chains of alcohol. Sometimes I can find myself going into a bit of self-pity. Poor me, I can't drink like "normal" folk. But I can easily get myself out of that way of thinking now by accepting that that is just how it is with me and alcohol and practising gratitude for all the things I have in my life today because I do not drink.
❤🙏❤🙏
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
Have you read the Doctor's Opinion in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous? It tells of the 2 fold illness that is alcoholism. The phenonoman of craving that occurs in the body of an alcoholic once alcohol is taken. That is where Step 1 comes in. I am powerless over alcohol. Once I put that first drink in me all bets are off. I have no idea where it will take me. Knowing that I had a physical allergy to alcohol helped me find acceptance.
The 2nd part of the illness centres in my mind. If I only suffered from the phenomen of craving then putting down the drink takes care of that. But my illness centres in my mind. The compulsion to take that first drink. That's where my recovery programme comes in.
Finding acceptance has given me freedom from the chains of alcohol. Sometimes I can find myself going into a bit of self-pity. Poor me, I can't drink like "normal" folk. But I can easily get myself out of that way of thinking now by accepting that that is just how it is with me and alcohol and practising gratitude for all the things I have in my life today because I do not drink.
❤🙏❤🙏
The 2nd part of the illness centres in my mind. If I only suffered from the phenomen of craving then putting down the drink takes care of that. But my illness centres in my mind. The compulsion to take that first drink. That's where my recovery programme comes in.
Finding acceptance has given me freedom from the chains of alcohol. Sometimes I can find myself going into a bit of self-pity. Poor me, I can't drink like "normal" folk. But I can easily get myself out of that way of thinking now by accepting that that is just how it is with me and alcohol and practising gratitude for all the things I have in my life today because I do not drink.
❤🙏❤🙏
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