AlbaSober

About 25 units x 6 days a week would be normal so 150 units per week for about 15 years. Always beer.

MissPeaches

Hello,

It’s been quite some time since I’ve actually logged in to this site, although I still frequent the site without logging in to read the latest postings. I felt compelled to respond to this one.

I remember when I made my very first post that someone commented how I didn’t mentioned how much I drank. I found that odd, as I was posting that I knew I had a problem with alcohol, so why did it matter how much I actually drank? The thing is, if alcohol is negatively effecting your life, then the actual volume doesn’t matter. This is a comparison that will doom you.

I’m still drinking though. I have a great job - I’m regarded as a subject matter expert and am frequently called upon for my experience. I have never drank first thing in the morning (only at a more “respectable” time, like in the late afternoon), never drank while working, no DUI’s or accidents and I am able to keep up with normal adult responsibilities, like maintaining my home/bills and caring for elderly family members.

But I am an alcoholic. I drink way more than I know is good for my health, both physical, mental and emotional. For the record, my “usual” is maybe a half a liter of vodka per day. I read that vodka has less congeners, so the hangover isn’t as bad and it had less calories, so that’s the better option for what to drink. Anything less than a half liter is a “light” day, where I rationalize “oh I’m not drinking that much, I’m doing better”. Please. This is just my brain trying rationalize the addiction. I know better than that, yet here I am.

More comparison/rationalization: A long time friend is an alcoholic and now has cirrhosis. He hasn’t held down a job in years and has alienated most of his family and friends. I compare myself to him and think well I’m doing okay, I don’t have any of those health issues and I haven’t alienated others. But really, we aren’t that different. We are both alcoholics. I just haven’t arrived to his state yet, thankfully. I’m “okay”. Yet, I am not okay!

I regularly have dreams where I’m being told my liver is failing. Dreams that tell me I’m at a critical point to stop drinking NOW or will suffer the same issues my friend has. Anytime I feel a pain in my abdomen, I automatically think oh no, it’s finally happening. I avoid seeing my primary doctor because I know my lab work world reveal horrible liver enzyme levels.

All this to say, comparison is futile. If we are here, we know we have a problem and we are alcoholics. Comparing how much we all drink/drank is not helpful. Looking at what others have done to get (and remain) sober is the only comparison that matters. We need to learn from those who have achieved sobriety and apply those same tools/resources to ourselves.

As I type this, I realize what a hypocrite I sound like. I’m not sober! Maybe it’s just easier to say this to someone else versus me truly applying it to my journey. At any rate, I wish you all the best as you move forward. I won’t stop trying myself. I am so grateful that those who have provided their experiences to help others as they try to quit for good.

I will keep trying. I deserve it and so does everyone else who is on their own journey. ~Peaches

TiredCarpenter

With a look inward and some(much) work in recovery you CAN be free of the compulsion to drink. Entirely free.
It takes work and maintenance. The following is testimony of a large population of recovering people:

promises:
Well 1/2 a page down from those are what , for me, are the greater promises. (bottom of pg 84 to mid-page 85: AA big book)

We will seldom be interested in liquor....

if tempted....we react sanely and normally...

we are placed in a position of neutrality.....

the problem doesn’t exist for us....

we are niether cocky or afraid.....

the problem has been removed.....

These words are the experience of many recovering ( or recovered ) alcoholics. These are people that have mended their ways, shared their pitfalls with another, cleaned house, made amends for their actions, then continued to help others, and to maintain a decent life.


The thing you seek is available.

Hodd

Miss Peaches, your post is so well-written and intelligent, so it makes me sad that you drink to such an extent. You’re clearly concerned if your thoughts are spilling over into dreams about liver failure. I hope you quit eventually (soon preferably).

ImNotThatGuy

Miss Peaches, I really hope you quit before it's too late. I was a very high functioning drunk too, as were many in my family, some of whom were taken well before their time. It's a little bit of a curse to not suffer visible consequences like job and relationship loss from what I have seen.

Please log in here and let us know if we can help if you decide to shake your addiction.

MissPeaches

Thanks Hodd and ImNotThatGuy. I have times when I do better than others. I really identified with the OP in comparing ourselves to others. It’s dangerous to compare to others. Because maybe that will lead us to think we are “better” than others in our addictions. I’ve at least made *a little* progress in that I take a few days off here and there. It’s nowhere near enough. I do not want to get to the point where I’ve lost my job, close friends/family and the most importantly, my health. I’ve had health issues in the past that interrupted my life significantly and it was terrifying.I don’t want to spend weeks on end in the hospital and fear I will leave in a coffin. I saw my friend while he was in the hospital and he looked like he was hours from death. Truly the most awful thing to see. Such wasted potential and a wasted life. I still don’t know if he will survive, as he’s had relapses. As much as I have been so frustrated with him, I do have compassion because I understand.

I will continue to keep trying. I’m going to look back at a few weeks ago where I decided I was done drinking. I had zero temptations for awhile, none! Because I made up my mind to not drink. But eventually, I weakened. I know I need to get back to that mindset and when I feel myself start to weaken, I need to reach out. My biggest issue is that I’m alone a lot and it makes it pretty easy to continue drinking. There’s no one around, so who cares? When I’m around others, I find it easy to limit myself or not drink at all (to avoid scrutiny).

SR fam, you are awesome. Thanks for being there to support others.

anxiousrock

It's not about how much you have. Any amount could be disordered drinking for someone. I'm at about 25 units/month all at once. This is what some people drink per day but I cannot rationalize it as normal drinking for me so therefore I still consider myself an alcoholic, while most people would not.

Noam19

I was a binge drinker who drank mostly at night. So sometimes it wasn't how much I drank, but rather how fast I drank it. A pint of vodka was an average serving. If I happened to binge on a weekend it wasn't unusual for me to drink an entire fifth of vodka over the day. I can't believe I could do that. So bad for me.

Verdantia

Hey, River--as others have mentioned, it's not helpful to compare yourself to anyone else--we all have different metabolisms, and if you think you have a problem you probably do. That being said, I used to drink only beer, and while I preferred craft beers, I was in no way picky. By the end I was drinking pints of crummy, cheap high ABV malt liquor non-stop; I'd drink till I passed out, wake up, and drink some more, ad infinitum--it probably averaged out to about 18 per day/night. Although people associate hard liquor with being the worst, I had alcoholic hallucinosis within 12 hours of stopping drink all at once. Beer did a 'good' job of bringing them on. I wish you all the best in quitting--you deserve so much more.

DreamCatcher17

I was not a daily drinker.
I also would not compare my story to someone else, which includes the amount.
My husband and I have these talks often of not comparing trauma to others. He is a VET and I am an alcoholic. We both suffered through stuff, some similar some different, but the root was different. Doesn't matter what that is, as it brought us to where we are, which is what I focus on for the most part. Today.

Be well,
DC

Robbie64

At my ultimate worst I was drinking from when the pubs opened (11am) until the small hours of the morning. I did this virtually every day for 9 months until I made myself so ill that I had to stop drinking for a few months. That was back in 1997/98. I must have drank about 20 to 25 pints of lager a day. Recently I've been drinking about 20 cans (440ml) a day but I have tended to do this for 3-5 days at which point I'm so shattered that I can't drink any more. I then have two or three weeks off so it's more like binge drinking. I really want to stop as I know I'm killing myself from drinking. What makes it worse is that I smoke when I'm drinking which is a double whammy. The strangest thing is when I'm not drinking I get absolutely no urge for a cigarette and as a result I don't smoke when I'm not drinking.

PNWLuv

After steadily drinking an unchanging 1.5 bottles of wine a day for more than a decade, in the last year before quitting, I had graduated to a little over 2 bottles a day. But it wasn't the qty difference (I'm married to a medical research scientist and am well aware that either amount is a sure fire ticket to the cancer ward and/or grave). It was when I started drinking at the beginning of my work day, to keep the hangovers in check, that I knew "this **** stops now!". I had a relapse for a couple of months after almost dying from an unrelated illness earlier this year, but I am happily back on the wagon.
So no matter the qty, I'd say if you can't just go "hey, I'm not drinking anything this week" and it's effortless, it's probably time to give it up. I don't know yet, if I'm forever done, but right now, I'm so glad to be where I am.

BackandScared

Like many other here, I increased milimiter per milimiter the amount I was drinking for years, until there was a drastic change. I can tell you I was drinking about a bottle of wine a day for a long time, but I know I was increasing slowly the quantity, from half a bottle to something to top-up the bottle over a very long time. Until I was hiding how much I was drinking from myself and not even counting, but knowing there was a drastic change and it was happening very fast.

First came the emotional part: it probably changed also very slowly, but I suddenly realised I did not trust myself. For anything. I felt horrible and scared and anxious, because I did not trust my abilities, my judgment, my intelligence, my capacity to look after my kids or do my job half well. Nobody else was noticing (nobody told me) but I knew I was about to spill the beans very badly.

And then, the physical part: again, anxiety had increased over a long time, the beats per minute of my heart, my blood pressure. And one morning I realised I had to drink if I wanted to make it to work. I quit that day, knowing it was going to bet worse much faster that I could predict. I was very scared for the next week. If that week was the equivalent to what was described as 'mild to medium' withdrawal, I did not want to know how much worse it could get.

It is taking many months, but I trust myself again and my body seems to be totally in tune with my age.

sugarbear1

I had a roommate whom I took to rehab, a 12 step call.....I found 20 empty gallon containers of vodka. One full one. Roommate got to the hospital and they found his BAC to be .61

He walked the 26 miles or so home to our (my) apartment. I had locked him out and only threw his clothes off the balcony.

I was still drinking, but I wasn't drinking 20 gallons of cheap vodka....... and I continued to drink my nightly 6 pack and smoke my weed....

Doesn't matter what I drank. Doesn't matter what he drank. Doesn't matter what my best drinking buddy and friend drank. While I was detoxing and getting sober my best buddy was in the hospital dying from her alcoholism. Her organs had had enough. Bottom line is that drinking was killing me. It was life or death. I chose life, my best buddy had lost her choice and was facing death. As for John with the .61 BAC, well, we lost contact and I honestly believe he may be dead, like my best buddy, Mary Kate. John was told one more drink may put your liver and kidneys in danger......

I don't sugar coat suggestions to alkies. It's life or death. Which do you choose?

Stronger2017

Maybe 5-8 drinks most nights when I quit 3 years ago.

shortstop81

Near the end I actually wasn't drinking as much in volume as when I was younger - smaller amounts would get me just as impaired. My tolerance was actually starting to go down, strangely enough.

But my behaviour was becoming more reckless. I was at an age where I had more to lose. Consequences were starting to pile up. Relationships were on the brink. I was playing Russian Roulette with my life & safety and that of my child.

The amount of booze didn't matter - all that mattered is that I needed to stop.

Endoftheday

About 8 to 12 cans of larger a day , so over 100 units a week for over 20 years

Khorhey

All over the place for 40 years or so. That and a blood disorder have given my liver a really tough time.
Been sober about 6 months out of the last 12.

Last relapse I was up to a 12 pack of beer a day. Other times I was 6 to 8 beers. Other times I would drink half a liter of liquor. So that’s what 12 shots. Maybe a little higher.

It wasn’t always a misery. Sometimes I had fun with it. Years ago. Traveling, nice hotels etc.
Now it’s a health crisis and a nightmare if I drink. And possibly a health crisis anyway due to long term damage. Hard to say.

The kindling is a son of a gun. Because after 30 days you feel ok again. Then wham one drink you’re f****d

Life is much better without it.

BartShelbyGT

When I used to get rolling on a multi day bender, I typically averaged anywhere between 15 and 25 standard drinks. Sometimes more. Might be hard liquor one day, wine the next, beer the next, or any combination thereof. Whatever I can lay my hands on using the old trick of hitting different stores so I don't "look" like an alcoholic. Some sell hard liquor, some wine, some just beer. What a joke. Like I was fooling anyone buying four 24 ounce cans of 12% alcohol nasty stuff at 7:02 in the morning, with my hands shaking as I try to pay, glancing around to see if I'm being noticed. I don't miss that. It sends a chill down my spine to think about it.

Khorhey

To add one thing those are the days I kept track of. There were days I lost track. Not that many but I’m sure there were days I was at 3 or 4 bottles of wine or 16 to 20 units.

And I said I was going to quit the first time when. My son was born. He’s 22 now. It’s a very sad thing that can happen to you.