Originally Posted by
Riversong 
I want to not want the poison!
With a look inward and some(much) work in recovery you CAN be free of the compulsion to drink. Entirely free.
It takes work and maintenance. The following is testimony of a
large population of recovering people:
promises: Well 1/2 a page down from those are what , for me, are the greater promises. (bottom of pg 84 to mid-page 85: AA big book) We will seldom be interested in liquor.... if tempted....we react sanely and normally... we are placed in a position of neutrality..... the problem doesn’t exist for us.... we are niether cocky or afraid..... the problem has been removed..... These words are the experience of many recovering ( or recovered
) alcoholics. These are people that have mended their ways, shared their pitfalls with another, cleaned house, made amends for their actions, then continued to help others, and to maintain a decent life.
The thing you seek is available.