Telling my husband
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 39
Telling my husband
I think it's time to tell my husband I agree there is a problem and the root is my use of alcohol. He is my second husband and an incredible man. Supportive, non judgemental, and walked through much in our first two years together with my ex and children that would have sent weaker men running for the hills. He has gently brought my drinking up to me multiple times and I am comfortable and safe with him.
Is the concern that he will react as my first husband did and insist that I just needed to cut back? OR is it that I truly have to have had my last dance with booze and deal. I now have a life I dreamed of and a husband I don't want to escape from and still fell deeper into what can no longer be denied as anything by alcoholism increasing mental depression and anxiety with it.
I want this for myself, my children, and him. I never want him to think less of me if I fail, and I truly don't want to fail. I am sick of myself sick.
Can I do this long term? I've been unsuccessful (outside of pregnancy) of quitting drinking for just short of a month.... I've realized there was an issue for at least 10 years and tossed the I'm okay no I'm not okay around and around and around.
Once I tell him, I'm as committed as I am to him. I don't want a secret sobriety from him. I want his support. I am afraid to fail and cycle again and again and again.
Is the concern that he will react as my first husband did and insist that I just needed to cut back? OR is it that I truly have to have had my last dance with booze and deal. I now have a life I dreamed of and a husband I don't want to escape from and still fell deeper into what can no longer be denied as anything by alcoholism increasing mental depression and anxiety with it.
I want this for myself, my children, and him. I never want him to think less of me if I fail, and I truly don't want to fail. I am sick of myself sick.
Can I do this long term? I've been unsuccessful (outside of pregnancy) of quitting drinking for just short of a month.... I've realized there was an issue for at least 10 years and tossed the I'm okay no I'm not okay around and around and around.
Once I tell him, I'm as committed as I am to him. I don't want a secret sobriety from him. I want his support. I am afraid to fail and cycle again and again and again.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
More important than telling someone is to understand what you want for yourself. Can you manage a reduction or are you like me and abstinence is the only way.
Also what is your plan for sobriety?
One mistake is including a spouse to much in recovery. Recovery is a path you need to walk with the other people you choose to include and a spouse is usually too emotionally close for that. It is common to keep a spouse in th loop to keep them aware of your progress, but oversharing with them has caused problems with others.
Your spouse sound slime a great guy. I’d recommend having an idea of what you want and n terms of sobriety and your plan to achieve it before having a talk with your spouse. What you want to avoid is telling him you’re going to quit, then you get cold feet and don’t. It makes things awkward.
Beat of luck it’s already a good sign you’re asking these types of questions rather than making an impulsive decision you may regret later
Also what is your plan for sobriety?
One mistake is including a spouse to much in recovery. Recovery is a path you need to walk with the other people you choose to include and a spouse is usually too emotionally close for that. It is common to keep a spouse in th loop to keep them aware of your progress, but oversharing with them has caused problems with others.
Your spouse sound slime a great guy. I’d recommend having an idea of what you want and n terms of sobriety and your plan to achieve it before having a talk with your spouse. What you want to avoid is telling him you’re going to quit, then you get cold feet and don’t. It makes things awkward.
Beat of luck it’s already a good sign you’re asking these types of questions rather than making an impulsive decision you may regret later
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
Hi via,
IMO, this is irrelevant. The only person who truly needs to understand the extent to which alcohol is a problem is you. In fact, someone without a drinking problem may not be able to understand. Thankfully, IME, that’s not a requirement for successful sobriety.
While your husband and children will certainly benefit from your sobriety, I do think it is important to get sober for selfish reasons. That way the foundation of your sobriety is totally yours and not dependent on anything else. It really is ok to get sober just because you want to look, feel, and be better. Then you are better to your others.
I would guess that most sober people here, including myself, knew for years the drinking gig was up before finally putting the bottle down. Before quitting, my only long sober stretch was my pregnancy with DS. For me, hitting my 40’s was when things started to change. My drinking wasn’t increasing, but I didn’t tolerate it as well as I used to. The fun had been gone for a while, but I really started with the daily sickness and needing to drink to feel normal. Scary stuff.
I lurked this site for years with a drink in hand before joining and quitting. One day I realized that normal drinkers don’t lurk recovery websites. I was so hung up on the, “Am I an alcoholic?” question that I didn’t realize the question was getting in the way of the action I needed to take. I just quit, and the rest came later.
DS just turned 18 and started college. I am so glad I sobered up in time to really support him through his adolescence. My selfish act of getting sober has greatly benefited the both of us.
Take care of yourself! Best wishes...
-bora
Is the concern that he will react as my first husband did and insist that I just needed to cut back?
I want this for myself, my children, and him.
Can I do this long term? I've been unsuccessful (outside of pregnancy) of quitting drinking for just short of a month.... I've realized there was an issue for at least 10 years and tossed the I'm okay no I'm not okay around and around and around.
I lurked this site for years with a drink in hand before joining and quitting. One day I realized that normal drinkers don’t lurk recovery websites.
I was so hung up on the, “Am I an alcoholic?” question that I didn’t realize the question was getting in the way of the action I needed to take. I just quit, and the rest came later.DS just turned 18 and started college. I am so glad I sobered up in time to really support him through his adolescence. My selfish act of getting sober has greatly benefited the both of us.
Take care of yourself! Best wishes...
-bora
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,425
Via beauty, I totally agree with beabetterman and boreas.
The main focus right now is that you take the proper steps to begin your journey of sobriety. Your loved ones will come on board, but you need to have a separate support system that is not subject to confusion with other daily issues.
Here, you will get unconditional support, and the information you need to move forward.
"Is the concern that he will react as my first husband did and insist that I just needed to cut back? OR is it that I truly have to have had my last dance with booze"
Let me again clarify some things here.
- You have to quit! As in no more alcohol in your system, ever! When you do, within 30 days you will see how much more wonderful life is without poisoning yourself. Give you my personal guarantee on that.
- You have to do this independent of how your first husband reacted, or how you think this husband may react. You will be a much better and happier person when you quit, period.
"Can I do this long term?"
- If I can go from drinking a 15 pack of beer and a bottle and a half of red wine per night to 7.5 months 100% sober, you can do it too.
"Once I tell him, I'm as committed as I am to him. I don't want a secret sobriety from him. I want his support. I am afraid to fail and cycle again and again and again."- I guarantee that he we know what is going on in real time, irregardless of you telling him. You can talk about it in baby steps when it feels right.
- Again, this is something YOU have to do independent of the inevitable drama that comes and goes at home in your personal relationships.
The main focus right now is that you take the proper steps to begin your journey of sobriety. Your loved ones will come on board, but you need to have a separate support system that is not subject to confusion with other daily issues.
Here, you will get unconditional support, and the information you need to move forward.
"Is the concern that he will react as my first husband did and insist that I just needed to cut back? OR is it that I truly have to have had my last dance with booze"
Let me again clarify some things here.
- You have to quit! As in no more alcohol in your system, ever! When you do, within 30 days you will see how much more wonderful life is without poisoning yourself. Give you my personal guarantee on that.
- You have to do this independent of how your first husband reacted, or how you think this husband may react. You will be a much better and happier person when you quit, period.
"Can I do this long term?"
- If I can go from drinking a 15 pack of beer and a bottle and a half of red wine per night to 7.5 months 100% sober, you can do it too.
"Once I tell him, I'm as committed as I am to him. I don't want a secret sobriety from him. I want his support. I am afraid to fail and cycle again and again and again."- I guarantee that he we know what is going on in real time, irregardless of you telling him. You can talk about it in baby steps when it feels right.
- Again, this is something YOU have to do independent of the inevitable drama that comes and goes at home in your personal relationships.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
I think you could tell him since you believe he will be supportive. But, ultimately, it's up to you to make sobriety work. I think if you make changes in your life that will support your sobriety and recovery, you will be able to do this.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,934
Can I do this long term?
You don't have to.
Just don't drink today and go to bed sober tonight. And tomorrow when you wake up, do the same thing. "One day at a time" is a great way to live and develop the habits that will keep you sober, long term. If you are not sure that you can do that by yourself, you don't have to. When I finally gave up and tried AA, the program, along with the fellowship of other people trying to get sober were a tremendous help. I haven't attended an AA meeting in years, but I'm still sober now after 10 years. And yes, tell your husband. Having a supportive spouse can really help.
You don't have to.
Just don't drink today and go to bed sober tonight. And tomorrow when you wake up, do the same thing. "One day at a time" is a great way to live and develop the habits that will keep you sober, long term. If you are not sure that you can do that by yourself, you don't have to. When I finally gave up and tried AA, the program, along with the fellowship of other people trying to get sober were a tremendous help. I haven't attended an AA meeting in years, but I'm still sober now after 10 years. And yes, tell your husband. Having a supportive spouse can really help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 187
There's a lot of great wisdom and insight here that I appreciate reading. I guess I'm responding since my situation is so different than yours. My husband is in denial about alcohol being a problem and I honestly think my prior quit attempts might have lasted longer if I had his support. Only you know your relationship but I personally would not be able to live with someone I love and not be real about my desire for that change. I think support is necessary, however close or far removed. Wishing you strength as you make these decisions and changes.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 513
Originally Posted by viabeautywithin 
Is the concern that he will react as my first husband did and insist that I just needed to cut back?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by BeABetterMan
More important than telling someone is to understand what you want for yourself. Can you manage a reduction or are you like me and abstinence is the only way.
Also what is your plan for sobriety?
One mistake is including a spouse to much in recovery. Recovery is a path you need to walk with the other people you choose to include and a spouse is usually too emotionally close for that. It is common to keep a spouse in th loop to keep them aware of your progress, but oversharing with them has caused problems with others.
Your spouse sound slime a great guy. I’d recommend having an idea of what you want and n terms of sobriety and your plan to achieve it before having a talk with your spouse. What you want to avoid is telling him you’re going to quit, then you get cold feet and don’t. It makes things awkward.
Beat of luck it’s already a good sign you’re asking these types of questions rather than making an impulsive decision you may regret later
Also what is your plan for sobriety?
One mistake is including a spouse to much in recovery. Recovery is a path you need to walk with the other people you choose to include and a spouse is usually too emotionally close for that. It is common to keep a spouse in th loop to keep them aware of your progress, but oversharing with them has caused problems with others.
Your spouse sound slime a great guy. I’d recommend having an idea of what you want and n terms of sobriety and your plan to achieve it before having a talk with your spouse. What you want to avoid is telling him you’re going to quit, then you get cold feet and don’t. It makes things awkward.
Beat of luck it’s already a good sign you’re asking these types of questions rather than making an impulsive decision you may regret later
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 39
@Coldfusion
He does but rarely more than a beer or two occasionally and tispy at most once or twice a year. I'm sure many of the times he has a beer is when I'm having a drink, but he stops and I don't. As we dated and got married I found it odd when we would be out for a meal and I would order my first drink and he ordered sweet tea. I realize, it is me that is not the healthy norm and truly many of my past friendships that didn't mature out of the social events surrounded by binge drinking...
How wonderful for you and your wife!
He does but rarely more than a beer or two occasionally and tispy at most once or twice a year. I'm sure many of the times he has a beer is when I'm having a drink, but he stops and I don't. As we dated and got married I found it odd when we would be out for a meal and I would order my first drink and he ordered sweet tea. I realize, it is me that is not the healthy norm and truly many of my past friendships that didn't mature out of the social events surrounded by binge drinking...
How wonderful for you and your wife!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by dizzybee
There's a lot of great wisdom and insight here that I appreciate reading. I guess I'm responding since my situation is so different than yours. My husband is in denial about alcohol being a problem and I honestly think my prior quit attempts might have lasted longer if I had his support. Only you know your relationship but I personally would not be able to live with someone I love and not be real about my desire for that change. I think support is necessary, however close or far removed. Wishing you strength as you make these decisions and changes.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by Cityboy
Via beauty, I totally agree with beabetterman and boreas.
The main focus right now is that you take the proper steps to begin your journey of sobriety. Your loved ones will come on board, but you need to have a separate support system that is not subject to confusion with other daily issues.
Here, you will get unconditional support, and the information you need to move forward.
"Is the concern that he will react as my first husband did and insist that I just needed to cut back? OR is it that I truly have to have had my last dance with booze"
Let me again clarify some things here.
- You have to quit! As in no more alcohol in your system, ever! When you do, within 30 days you will see how much more wonderful life is without poisoning yourself. Give you my personal guarantee on that.
- You have to do this independent of how your first husband reacted, or how you think this husband may react. You will be a much better and happier person when you quit, period.
"Can I do this long term?"
- If I can go from drinking a 15 pack of beer and a bottle and a half of red wine per night to 7.5 months 100% sober, you can do it too.
"Once I tell him, I'm as committed as I am to him. I don't want a secret sobriety from him. I want his support. I am afraid to fail and cycle again and again and again."- I guarantee that he we know what is going on in real time, irregardless of you telling him. You can talk about it in baby steps when it feels right.
- Again, this is something YOU have to do independent of the inevitable drama that comes and goes at home in your personal relationships.
The main focus right now is that you take the proper steps to begin your journey of sobriety. Your loved ones will come on board, but you need to have a separate support system that is not subject to confusion with other daily issues.
Here, you will get unconditional support, and the information you need to move forward.
"Is the concern that he will react as my first husband did and insist that I just needed to cut back? OR is it that I truly have to have had my last dance with booze"
Let me again clarify some things here.
- You have to quit! As in no more alcohol in your system, ever! When you do, within 30 days you will see how much more wonderful life is without poisoning yourself. Give you my personal guarantee on that.
- You have to do this independent of how your first husband reacted, or how you think this husband may react. You will be a much better and happier person when you quit, period.
"Can I do this long term?"
- If I can go from drinking a 15 pack of beer and a bottle and a half of red wine per night to 7.5 months 100% sober, you can do it too.
"Once I tell him, I'm as committed as I am to him. I don't want a secret sobriety from him. I want his support. I am afraid to fail and cycle again and again and again."- I guarantee that he we know what is going on in real time, irregardless of you telling him. You can talk about it in baby steps when it feels right.
- Again, this is something YOU have to do independent of the inevitable drama that comes and goes at home in your personal relationships.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by boreas
Hi via,
IMO, this is irrelevant. The only person who truly needs to understand the extent to which alcohol is a problem is you. In fact, someone without a drinking problem may not be able to understand. Thankfully, IME, that’s not a requirement for successful sobriety.
While your husband and children will certainly benefit from your sobriety, I do think it is important to get sober for selfish reasons. That way the foundation of your sobriety is totally yours and not dependent on anything else. It really is ok to get sober just because you want to look, feel, and be better. Then you are better to your others.
I would guess that most sober people here, including myself, knew for years the drinking gig was up before finally putting the bottle down. Before quitting, my only long sober stretch was my pregnancy with DS. For me, hitting my 40’s was when things started to change. My drinking wasn’t increasing, but I didn’t tolerate it as well as I used to. The fun had been gone for a while, but I really started with the daily sickness and needing to drink to feel normal. Scary stuff.
I lurked this site for years with a drink in hand before joining and quitting. One day I realized that normal drinkers don’t lurk recovery websites. I was so hung up on the, “Am I an alcoholic?” question that I didn’t realize the question was getting in the way of the action I needed to take. I just quit, and the rest came later.
DS just turned 18 and started college. I am so glad I sobered up in time to really support him through his adolescence. My selfish act of getting sober has greatly benefited the both of us.
Take care of yourself! Best wishes...
-bora
IMO, this is irrelevant. The only person who truly needs to understand the extent to which alcohol is a problem is you. In fact, someone without a drinking problem may not be able to understand. Thankfully, IME, that’s not a requirement for successful sobriety.
While your husband and children will certainly benefit from your sobriety, I do think it is important to get sober for selfish reasons. That way the foundation of your sobriety is totally yours and not dependent on anything else. It really is ok to get sober just because you want to look, feel, and be better. Then you are better to your others.
I would guess that most sober people here, including myself, knew for years the drinking gig was up before finally putting the bottle down. Before quitting, my only long sober stretch was my pregnancy with DS. For me, hitting my 40’s was when things started to change. My drinking wasn’t increasing, but I didn’t tolerate it as well as I used to. The fun had been gone for a while, but I really started with the daily sickness and needing to drink to feel normal. Scary stuff.
I lurked this site for years with a drink in hand before joining and quitting. One day I realized that normal drinkers don’t lurk recovery websites.
I was so hung up on the, “Am I an alcoholic?” question that I didn’t realize the question was getting in the way of the action I needed to take. I just quit, and the rest came later.DS just turned 18 and started college. I am so glad I sobered up in time to really support him through his adolescence. My selfish act of getting sober has greatly benefited the both of us.
Take care of yourself! Best wishes...
-bora
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Since your husband has gently raised the issue of your drinking in the past, it's hard to imagine that he doesn't see your drinking a s problematic and therefore sobriety as a good thing for you and your relationship. You have tried moderation without success, that's a marker for most alcoholics: we cannot drink a little, it's just not possible for us.
This was mentioned by others, but it is really important. If we want to get sober, we first have to stop drinking. We repeat the process each day, recommit ourselves to the journey, and do whatever we must to not drink for the current 24 hour period. I really struggled with the idea of "forever" in early sobriety - in fact I freaked out in the days leading to my first sober anniversary. I somehow saw crossing that milestone as burning the boats on the beach, and I wasn't sure I could do it forever. My sponsor told me to simply focus on today, and pointed out that nobody can rely on last weeks sobriety to protect them today - we do this one day at a time. One last thing: we tend to look at others with longer term sobriety than us as fundamentally different or superior beings. Nothing could be further from the truth - we all walk this journey every day - there aint no sobriety limo that carries people to nirvana. We walk it, sometimes more easily than others, but we can only do it one step at a time.
Here's a link that you may find helpful: mindfulness - youtube
Viabeautywithin, you can do this. A future brighter than you can imagine awaits, but only you can take the journey that gets you there.
This was mentioned by others, but it is really important. If we want to get sober, we first have to stop drinking. We repeat the process each day, recommit ourselves to the journey, and do whatever we must to not drink for the current 24 hour period. I really struggled with the idea of "forever" in early sobriety - in fact I freaked out in the days leading to my first sober anniversary. I somehow saw crossing that milestone as burning the boats on the beach, and I wasn't sure I could do it forever. My sponsor told me to simply focus on today, and pointed out that nobody can rely on last weeks sobriety to protect them today - we do this one day at a time. One last thing: we tend to look at others with longer term sobriety than us as fundamentally different or superior beings. Nothing could be further from the truth - we all walk this journey every day - there aint no sobriety limo that carries people to nirvana. We walk it, sometimes more easily than others, but we can only do it one step at a time.
Here's a link that you may find helpful: mindfulness - youtube
Viabeautywithin, you can do this. A future brighter than you can imagine awaits, but only you can take the journey that gets you there.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
I didn't think I had what it took to stay sober long term either. I don't even know what I meant by that now. I had to earn my trust back. Do you have a sense that it's about to get a whole lot worse if you don't draw the line here? It was bad enough the way it was and I started feeling this impending sense of doom. The first six months I felt like I was holding back a storm of epic destruction from hitting my family. Anywhere but there and a lot of support from this forum held me together long enough to come out of it.
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