saoutchik

Welcome to SR Lilac, you have come to the right place. I only used AA a couple of times and so probably didn't give it a chance but I did manage to get sober (5yrs 7 months and counting)

I used to think exactly the same as you - "why do I keep doing this to myself?" - the answer is of course is because of addiction, one part of our brain wanting a poisonous substance more than logic, common sense or health concerns can prevent it. But the cycle can be broken and you will not have to go through the misery of it again.

Good luck!

CRRHCC

I spent ten years in college studying the central nervous system, the brain and spinal cord. I spent an adult life time abusing my brain and spinal cord with substance abuse. Here's what I have learned about myself. In my view, if you really want to stop drinking, you have to first learn to understand yourself. Specifically, why do you drink to excess in the first place? The answer is that we all drink to regain control of our feelings. Addictions always serve an emotional purpose and that purpose is to reverse feelings of helplessness, feeling trapped, powerless and out of control. Addictions are never random. There is always a reason and a reward. For me it started in High School with social anxiety. I learned that I could reverse my feeling helpless and trapped, with a quick fix or mood changer of alcohol and Quaaludes. This worked for me and was socially accepted, so I never looked back. I was on autopilot for four decades. I never learned that there were actually healthy ways to regain control of helpless circumstances in life that made me feel trapped, powerless and lacking control! So then the million dollar question is, what are healthy ways that will work for me? The answer is different for all of us, but it all boils down to what you find valuable in life. What empowers you and gives you purpose and meaning in life. When you find behavior that is important and valuable to you, then you can replace your old behavior with the new. This works, because addictions are really caused by one emotion. Intolerable overwhelming feelings of helplessness and when you learn to empower yourself and escape the trap, with other behaviors of high value to you, there is no longer the need for the quick fix or mood changer substances. This isn't rocket science. It's human psychology.

Galatians 5:22-23 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.

Lilac0505

Thank you for the replies! That was an interesting read. I always try to find something else to replace the drinking but I’m terrible at self care and maybe feel like I just don’t deserve to feel good about myself. Had a very narcissistic mother who made me doubt my entire existence. She’s causing major problems in my family right now even though I have gone no contact with her. I wish I could just turn emotions off!!

MaximusD

Hi Lilac, keep going hour by hour, day by day. How do you feel when you have some sober time under your belt other than the bulimia coming up? Are you in therapy? I started therapy myself reluctantly as nothing else was working and it helped. I think you will need it to deal with the Mom stuff and eating disorders. We are here for you. The key is to stay close here even if you slip up. If you slip, try again immedietly and stay here. Check out AVRT and rational recovery. Those are alternatives to AA.

AlbaSober

Thanks for joining us Lilac you are amongst friends here and we value your contributions. If you're 15 hours post-drinking your emotions will be all over the place, yet there's a single emotion at this time which actually calls it bang right, and that's the feeling of hatred towards alcohol and the need to get away from if for good. The very fact that you've signed up here proves you want to take care of yourself and there's so much support so whenever you feel the need to post please post away. Best advice I can give you is to start a daily diary and tell us how your feeling. Make signing on here part of the void you talked about filling, and I wish you all the best in finding lasting soberness.

fini

welcome, Lilac.
”wish I could just turn emotions off!!”
yes, well, that was one of the functions of drinking for me, though often it also did the reverse and heightened what i felt to ridiculous pathos.
the thing about getting and staying sober for me had to do with wanting to be “real”, live in and with reality as it is, not as i’d like it to be, and emotions are part of that. learning how to just “be” with and in emotions without having to grab a drink or five is one of the tasks, so to speak.

i went back to drinking a gazillion times; until i didn’t.
way to go on showing up instead of lurking!

Lilac0505

Thank you very much. The daily diary sounds good. I have gone to therapy before and I think I just didn’t clock with the therapists I was with. I would just go and talk and talk but not take anything from it. Not sure if a therapist should be giving me advice or trying to hell me cope, but the three I’ve been too never did that with me. It was kind of like paying for a friend to listen to my problems. I’m about twenty hours since my last drink. Took a very long nap as my anxiety was getting the best of me. Watching a movie suggested in another thread “Don’t Worry, He Won’t Get Far on Foot” about an alcoholic. I believe it’s a true story.

Lilac0505

Thank you! That is why I know I reach for a drink. Sometimes I just can’t shut my brain off. I obsess about things going wrong in my life. It’s almost like intrusive thoughts they I just can’t stop thinking about. Then it gets to a point where it is changing my entire mood and I just can’t take it anymore. I’ve read up on DBT and may look into that or CBT.

LumenandNyx

You've continued to do this because you're addicted to alcohol. Your body and mind have become dependent on it. You also have something the rest of us share and that's the AV or addict voice. It can speak to us so coherently sometimes that we easily confuse it with our rational / sane brain. Our AV will create excuse for us and minimize the hell that is our drinking. And it can be real hard sometimes to recognize it's voice because it speaks to us through grief, anxiety, sorrow, guilt, shame, anger, and just about every negative emotion you can think of plus a handful of pleasant situations like celebrations, anniversaries, and freakin' sunsets. Basically, our AV shows up at the least inopportune time and takes full advantage of us when we let our guards down.

Anyway - there's all that and in addition,you're hung up right now on counting the minutes since your last drink when you just might find it more helpful to distract yourself from them entirely. Time has a way of seeming to move a lot faster when it's spent doing things I love to do rather than focusing on the minutes. For example - if I look at my watch every five minutes while I'm on the Elliptical, I'll go absolutely NUTS! But, if I take my mind elsewhere and think about the round house I'm designing or the book I'm reading - suddenly, my hour on the machine is nearly over.

Go figure.

You can do this. Remember that. The sooner you stop drinking for good - the further you move away from your last drink.

Billymacintosh

Hey Lilac
Welcome, how are you feeling on day two? So glad to see you here, it's a great place to be you'll never have to feel the way you did yesterday again,
​​​​​​I'm familiar with all the feelings you describe and your drinking patterns are similar to mine too - that was five months ago and despite having a long way to go, life is so much more joyful.
Have you started thinking about a plan for your recovery?
Looking forward to supporting you
Love Billy x

CRRHCC

Don't be so hard on yourself, everyone has issues. You deserve to better understand yourself.
Emotional IQ is learning to have our emotions work for us instead of against us. Turning emotions on and off is not the answer but understanding and controlling our emotions is the key. Check out the books by Lance Dodes, MD addiction psychiatrist.

Surrendered19

How are you doing today Lilac? Did you lay your head down sober last night?