Lilac0505

Hello,

New here. Well I’ve been lurking for a long time but never posted. I’m an alcoholic and I’ve been drinking on and off for twenty years. I’ve tried to get sober more times then I can count. I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. Going through a difficult time in life right now and picked up again. I’m not an everyday drinker, I’m a binge drinker. When I binge it’s bad. I black out every time, usually do something I regret and then feel like a worthless person full of anxiety the next day. I want to put this down for good but I don’t know why I can’t. I have so much to live for, a wonderful husband and beautiful kids. I also suffer from bulimia and when I do get sober for a stretch of time the eating disorder comes around full force. I just want to be normal and love myself. I have never loved myself and have the worst self esteem.

I have tried AA numerous times. It just is not for me. I’m not social in where I like to be in a big group of people. I’m hoping coming here for support and posting everyday can help me. Not sure what else to do at this point. I binged last night. Did and said things I’m ashamed of. Embarrassed myself and having terrible anxiety today. I hate the fact that people are thinking badly of me for things I didn’t mean to do. Thanks for reading if you’ve read this far. I feel so low and terrible right now it’s almost unbearable to be alive.

someday147

Hi Lilac,

Firstly well done for posting. yes I know the feeling of wanting to put it down and not being able to we all do here. I'm in early stage sobriety 27 days in but this site has been fundamental to me and will continue to be. Stay with us you don't have to do this alone.

someday147

P.s I'm also a binge drinker, the binges progressed for me from weekends gradually more and more. until the last one which was 17 days.

Lilac0505

Thank you so much for the reply and well done on 27 days. I’ve had good stretches of sobriety and it’s the best I’ve ever felt. Just don’t understand why I ever pick up again. It’s like I just don’t play the tape forward and do things impulsively.

Kaily

Sending you a big hug Lilac.

Well done for reaching out. You have come to a good place to start changing your life forever.

Lilac0505

mine get worse every time too. I’ve noticed that when I do binge now I’m just downing shots and drinks like no tomorrow closer and closer together. In the moment I don’t care but then when I think about it it really is so dangerous the way I drink and the amount. Basically with the amount I drink in one night it’s like playing Russian roulette. I’m thankful for waking up today even though I feel incredibly terrible, anxious and bad. Counting ever hour away from my last drink.

Lilac0505

Thank you so much. I literally am tearing up. I need big hugs more then ever right now.

Mary88

You will get support here. I tried AA too and it wasn't for me but this forum has helped. Glad you joined.

Lilac0505

Thank you so much!

Sammy1980

Welcome! We all have felt the way you do right now. It is very hard to stop but you can do it. I am at 8 months and the hardest part for me was just stopping the first day. I was a daily drinking so it took maybe two years before I made that first day and I am not giving it back. You just have to know that you can never drink again. Good Luck and keep reading all the posts it helps a lot to know that you are not the only one.

Lilac0505

Thank you so much! Congrats on eight months. I want this more then ever. Hoping it can stick this time around. But sometimes I feel like I’ll never get sober. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to stop and get a good amount of sobriety and throw it all away. Sometimes I feel hopeless or too damaged.

biminiblue

I (and I'm sure others) had a lot to sort out about drinking, addictions, misery, the past etc.

I hope you'll leave the alcohol behind so you can start the healing.

Lilac0505

Thank you so much. Me too. Things will only get worse if I continue like this.

Hevyn

Hi Lilac - I'm so glad you decided to post. You've come to an encouraging & friendly place.
I definitely felt the same when I first came here - and I believe we have to be disgusted with ourselves in order to take action. I was so exhausted from cleaning up the messes I made while drinking. I was losing credibility with everyone who loved and trusted me. It was simply no fun to drink anymore, but for some reason I clung to it. We're not depriving ourselves of anything - we're reclaiming our lives. No more guilt, remorse, or wondering what we said or did while under the influence. It's such a relief to get free - and you can do it.

least

Hi Lilac and welcome to the family. I hope you'll utilize the support here to help you get sober for good.

Lixie

I'm so glad to see you here. You've come to the right place. I wish you all the best in creating a new, wonderful life for yourself.

Robbie64

Welcome to SR Lilac0505

owen90

Welcome, Lilac. Try to post as much as you can, it really is an excellent form of therapy.

Lilac0505

Thank you so much everyone. My anxiety it through the roof right now. I don’t know why I continue to do this to myself. It’s been about 13 hours since my last drink. Literally counting the minutes as the come.

NONIA

Welcome !
A lot of help here .
I will pray for you