JK130

So much wisdom RecklessDrunk. I don't know if I would have ended up rich, or with an easy life; but I wonder every day if getting sober earlier would have made a difference in ending up alone.

fini

Jeff, so often i said “yeah, okay, this is good enough”, when what was really going on is that i had tried to quit and stay that way again, many times, and been unable to do it.
”it’s good enough” and “it’s working” were my go-to for trying to handle yet more returns to drinking.
and of course it kept me there, and kept drinking in my life quite nicely.
not REALLY nicely, of course, but it was good enough.
because i couldn’t face trying again, and not making it again.
sometimes it would take weeks for me to rally up my motivation and my anger at myself and my determination and my “damn it! no!!! this is not good enough!!!”

if you’re really okay with this, if this is really good enough for you, then sure, that’s fine. though sad to me.

is it?

if not, better is available.

PuckLuck

Looks like you logged in and posted to start an argument or receive validation of some sort.

Your last thread you were looking desperately for help and a lot of people gave you great suggestions, so........? This forum is for people who want to get sober and stay sober. I think your drinking 2 nights a week "program" is going to be a tough sale here. We've all tried that. It doesn't work. Not for people like us, but if that's what you want to do then that's fine. If you want to drink, you're going to drink. No one ever stopped me from drinking when I wanted to, that's for sure. So I understand that.

I hope you go back and read your last thread.

lessgravity

Jeff has been here a long time and I for one was helped directly by him in my many failures before I got sober for good. I'm sure you are looking to help with this line of direct talk but I also just wanted to make sure those who might not know, this guy has been a source of support for many of us here. Though of course I agree with you - moderation is a fool's errand.

Let's get started Jeff. Time to chop some wood and carry some water.

Delilah1

Hi Jeff,

I am really sorry that you are drinking again. I have been on here for a while now, and do have you. I have seen you have great stretches of sobriety, and things may not have been perfect, but you were doing well. I have also seen you have some really dark periods while drinking, I hope you decide to stop following down this path.

You know that this place will be here to support you when you’re ready to get back to sobriety. I look forward to seeing you here.

PuckLuck

I never said he wasn't a source of support for many here. I'm sure he is. I was just simply replying to his post. Wasn't meant to be an attack at all.

thomas11

Thanks Anna, but I am smart enough to know that I don't have things under control. They are under control right now, but that could change in an instant which is why I need to get sober again.

thomas11

"unnecessary misery"...lord if that ain't the truth.

thomas11

I appreciate all posts, but this one hit home. Its not good enough. I like sobriety.

MythOfSisyphus

It's good to see you back again, Jeff. We don't all get it right the first time, or the fifth, or the 25th. Just keep at it til it happens.

thomas11

I'm just remembering that when I went to the hospital a few weeks ago (which I will never do again), I got home and told myself "the price has become more than I'm willing to pay" (kind of along the lines of lessgravity tag). And I meant it, yet here I am eah?

D122y

This place saved my drunk miserable soul.

Love and Thanks.

Aellyce

Jeff, you may not like to hear this but you probably don't fully realize how you have all this backwards. Your moderation program works, you will never seek medical help again... Where will that lead you? Maybe in the hospital anyway, with some serious injury or other damage - didn't that already happen before as well?

Also, is this drinking a little Fridays and more Saturdays schedule satisfying for you? Does not sound like it and you say you want sobriety again. Do you want to achieve that involuntarily, via some very serious destruction, while reporting the processing of getting there here? You may help some struggling people who can indeed be scared back to sanity reading someone else's sad story... if that's what you want and who you want to be.

Steely

Hi Jeff,
I understand when you say "just not today", and are going to give a crack at moderation/control. I think all of us have given it a crack. Entirely reasonable. We're not going to "know", until we know.

I don't go to AA (did ages ago) and know it talks about "rock bottoms", and that's what happened to me. MANY rock bottoms until my "bottom" hit bedrock, and I finally reached that long sought after place which has me want sobriety more than I want to drink. And now could not give a tinker's cuss about the grog. Amazes me now how much emphasis and importance I gave it. Wow! It seems really silly now. But this is now, not then.

The bit I'm interested in (apart from your good health) is how you manage the 2 nights a week? On the Friday do you drink like Normie and quaff just a couple? Perhaps even leaving a few sips at the bottom of the glass, not even a second thought, care in the world? Or do you have to pour real energy into pulling up?

On the Saturday, when you "drink too much" how do you not "spin out of control". "Too much" (for us types) generally ends this way. At least it did for me. I'm simply interested Jeff. How do you manage it?

I guess I'm looking at the energy required, exerted, to keep "in control." Seems like a lot of work to me. I'm simply interested Jeff. How do you manage it?

I'm not asking in the hope you have stumbled on the magic formula for rational drinking and will share this wisdom with me. Because I don't think such a formula exists. And nor do I want it any longer. Not for me. And to be honest, don't think it's going to work for you either Jeff. Not given your history. My history.

I'm glad you are still coming here and being honest about your journey Jeff. It says a lot about the community of SR that you feel able to be this honest.

Take care Jeff.

PuckLuck

I honestly thought you might have been MIA because you were in rehab. I know many people (including myself) suggested it. I mean why not? What do you have to lose? I remember you saying you have good insurance, so again, why not at least look into it? If you want to shoot me a PM and I'll give you the contact information for one of the very best rehab facilities I've ever been to. Their staff is excellent and they also have dual diagnosis treatment options if you need it. It's in Arizona, not a long flight from MN. In fact, one of my best buddies in my house there was from Saint Paul, MN. People go to this facility from all over the US.

It's a special place and even though I made the foolish decision to drink 8 months after going there they gave me a ton of hope and proved to me that I CAN get sober. One of the best things I have ever done for myself. And like I said in the previous thread if you are worried about money, I didn't pay a dime for their 90 day program. Nothing. They even bought my plane ticket.

The drinking 2 nights a week "program" you're entertaining sucks. And you know that, too. Just being honest because I care. You can do this, Jeff.

ImNotThatGuy

Thanks for the reminder of how much easier it is to just not drink.

courage2

Jeff, I've been reading your posts for years. You've had a lots of ups and downs, but each bottom reads a little worse. At this point, your written voice speaks despair.

I really hope you commit yourself to getting good professional counseling, not only to overcome your substance abuse problems, but to reverse what AA calls "stinking thinking" -- thoughts and feelings that keep people like us on this doomed ride.

fini

glad to hear it's not good enough!
you know someone will suggest you make/have a plan...and follow it.
up to you!

Hawkeye13

Glad to see you back. Like courage, I also hear despair in your writing.

You already know this won’t work for long.

Please consider loving yourself a little more, even if it feels inauthentic.
Even if it hurts.

iAmSam

This stuck out at me when I first read it yesterday. I live in the US and know that the chances of someone leaving a ER with it NOT being a bad or even traumatic experience is highly unlikely.

I'm sorry you had the bad experience Jeff and I surely know a ton of people that also say "never again", to their detriment.Myself included.

It surely shouldn't be this way and I hope sometime you'll talk about what happened. It's helpful for others to hear experiences, both good and bad, regarding healthcare when it comes to addictions and dependency's.
Knowledge is power and when people know more, they despair less, have more confidence and are much more likely to look for help.

Thanks for coming back!