Juneberries

I was going through a bitter divorce when I met Jack. It was a blind date, and astonishingly after the date I remembered who he was. I was four years older than my brother, so I was out of the house at 18. Jack and my brother were 14. I inquired about him once to my little brother, “who’s that”? That’s Jack! And he inquired about me! That’s just my sister! I didn’t tell him who I was at first; I was afraid he would not date his long lost friend’s sister! So, as the weeks past, we formed a small bond, I told him who I was! He was thrilled! He had always liked me! We became inseparable, and Jack was my biggest advocate during the divorce (my spouse was cheating on me for years). But he was also difficult and demanding, and months into our relationship he told me he was an alcoholic and wanted my help in getting him to quit. He liked the fact that I didn’t go to bars on a regular basis! But he couldn’t quit! When my house sold, I moved in with him! Things changed quickly!!! If I challenged him in any way, he would threaten to kick me out! I was very vulnerable and became very dependent on him. We worked a beautiful garden together, he worked tirelessly in it for me, we were extremely compatible, and the attraction for each other was very strong! He was handsome! But there was the dark side-the alcohol; he drank heavily every single day! He started after work at 2pm and was intoxicated by 6 pm. Then it was abusive texts if he disliked something I did or wouldn’t do! I ate half of his leftover restaurant take home one night. I stayed home; he went to the bar. When he came home and saw I ate half of his take home, he went into a rage texting me that I was a ****, and it wouldn’t hurt me to prepare a meal once in a while. From then on whenever he was drinking alone, he would send me vile texts, such as one time I was looking for a hammer and couldn’t find it. I texted him and he told me to shove it up my big big *******! When he was sober the next day, he never apologized for his rages. When he was sober we went for wonderful bike rides, dancing around a campfire in his yard, canning tons of tomatoes, putting in a butterfly garden, etc. So, it was the best time of my life, and the worst time of my life! After three years, I was isolating myself from him...separate bedrooms, and the isolation or withdrawal made him even more furious. He started to tell me to get the **** out! Then he would tell me that I was welcomed back in the fold if I would just engage him. After a while things were good again, but not for long. Every few weeks there would be another incident. He became loud and obnoxious in a bar. I asked him to keep his voice down. Then the bartender did! We left and on the way home in the car he screamed at me **** YOU, **** you, **** you; to take the side of a bartender over your boyfriend!!! By this time I am living upstairs apart from him. Still he’s friendly and loving when he’s sober, “Hi beautiful,” he says to me in the morning, but by evening I was a crazy bitch, a ****, or his little mental patient. The last straw was when he forcefully sprayed me in the face with a garden hose! I called the police, and filed a report! I looked for another place to live! But before I moved out, he filed an eviction on me! Days after moving out he sends me a text, “We had love, a future!” Then tells me in the future if I change my behavior, and approach him as a new person...We have been apart for 9 months! His brother passed away, and I felt some moral obligation to reach out and express my condolences through a text. His response, “I WILL get a restraining order!
I will never contact him again. I am frustrated!

Sober45

That sounds like a very dangerous situation and I am glad to see you're moving in the other direction. Unfortunately, he has to help himself. By sticking around and engaging with him, his bad behavior is only validated (we call that enabling the drinker).

Spraying you in the face like that is ridiculous...makes me angry! What would it be next? Good on you for calling the police.

Surrendered19

My goodness Rachael, you are lucky to be out with your hide in tact. Keep walking down the road away from him and don't look back. You need to spend some time coming to grips with relationships. Your picker is broken dearest and you need to get that fixed before you start to date again. As you learned the hard way too, dating a hard drinker or an active alcoholic means that you are dating two or three or four different people all at once, and one or two of them are dark, mean, crazy mf'ers. You don't need to test that theory again because it will always be the case with people who have a toxic relationship with alcohol. Take a year or two dearest and figure out who you are, what you are about, what you deserve in a partner and then don't ever again compromise on any of that.

Steely

Oh, sweetheart. What an absolute pig. Biggest con in the book lovin' you in the morning, calling you vile names in the evening. We girls don't fall for that one anymore. So yesterday.

I could express my post more eloquently, but the jerk's not with my vocab. Sometimes you've just call an a/hole for what it is. An a/hole!

So glad you are rid of him. And believe me when I say he KNOWS he's an a/hole, just hasn't got the fortitude to change, or to look closely at his a/hole self.

He has to live with himself, remember. And one day he's going to see his reflection in the warped mirror he has created for himself. "Surprise, surprise, I'm a gutless a/hole."

I'm not even sorry. It's just great that he's out of your life.

What a jerk.

And how good are you.

Anna

Hi Rachel, and I'm glad you made the decision to leave your boyfriend and to stay safe.

MissPerfumado

It's really important you are out of the relationship. His abusive behaviour was inexcusable. Leave him be, let him deal with his demons and his alcoholism. They are not your problem and you have no obligations to him.

Know your worth and value, sweetheart. Draw red lines on behaviour like that. Nobody should be treated the way you were treated.

It can feel completely magical to be inseparable from someone like you were initially, and to do those charming things you talked about. It's easy to get sucked in. But that's not love. Love is respect, considerateness, care, patience, kindness, humility, gratitude, constancy, selflessness...

But now you know, just as I know, and once you know you can promise yourself not to accept that kind of abuse again.