prettiekittie

I just got off a two week bender. I had gotten so far, too. Farther than ever in the past several years. And I had paranoid delusions again, which happened during my last bender. I’m through the worst of withdrawal now and feel so dumb. I scheduled two emergency therapy sessions during my bender and probably sounded like I had completely lost it (because I had). My husband was worried about me. I told him that I had relapsed and he was lovely, per usual, engaged me in a talk about my triggers. I just feel so sick that I made up this whole delusion in my head (seeds of truth, of course) and looped my therapist in. Yikes.

As soon as I got through acute withdrawal I was just horrified. Obviously I need to tell my therapist but I am so embarrassed. Sorta proud I reached out because I was in distress but still lied about drinking.

Never again. Omg never again.

Surrendered19

All of that sounds awful PK. I hope you start to feel better soon. You are so fortunate to have your husband looking after you. Many do not have that live-in guardian because we have driven everyone away over the years. I hope you can get this figured out. It sounds like there are other things going on besides addiction to alcohol? One thing is certain - you simply cannot drink anymore. Unusually dangerous things happen to you when you drink.

prettiekittie

There may be something else but I don’t have delusions sans alcohol so idk. It’s definitely worth monitoring, for sure.

PuckLuck

No doubt, Surrendered.

I lose my mind when drinking, too, PK. I turn into a psychotic, dark mess. My last bender I was horrified to look at my phone and see that I called the National Suicide Hotline not once, not twice, but 3 times. I never set out to do that, but it happened.

We can't drink. Period.

We crossed that line a long time ago and now when we drink we have absolutely no idea what is going to happen, except that we know it won't be good.

Sober45

I'm almost to 6 months (longest before this was 53 days about 7 years ago). Whatever you were thinking when you wrote "omg never again", you can imprint that on your brain. Go over it again and again, every day. Don't ever lose that "terrifying moment" from your memory.

Near the end of my drinking, I was drinking straight from a glass carboy and I started at 7am on weekends. The wine had gone bad but I drank it to the last drop. I have a very clear picture of an embarrassing moment related to that in my head. So whenever alcohol seems plausible, i pull up the image (and others) and I'm back on track pretty quick. Then I focus on gratitude and happy anticipation of other things...like coffee and dark chocolate. And I remind myself, time heals all. And I give myself and pat on the back because I love me and there is always hope for the future.

Bottom line, alcohol is a LIE.

MaximusD

Hi Prettiekittie, welcome back! Just don't drink today and post often. Join the class of june 2020 thread. We all quit this month and support each other.

anxiousrock

2 week bender sounds awful I'm sorry to hear that
I feel rotten after one day of drinking so i can't imagine 14 days.

Verdantia

Hi, prettiekittie. I am glad you are back. I have serious mental health issues that drinking didn't help in the least, even though I was trying to self-medicate away my fear, pain, confusion, and anxiety with alcohol. I've been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, and have had horrible feelings of paranoia while drinking as well. However, my symptoms are entirely manageable as long as I'm not drinking. I'm coming up on 4 1/2 years of sobriety and I never want to go back to the dark, depressing hell of alcoholism; I am convinced that if I have another drink it would be my last; my body and mind cannot take another bout. I'm glad you have such a caring, supportive spouse and I hope that you stick around here and post before you decide to drink again--joining one of the Classes would be a very good idea.

Dee74

welcome back PK.
What are you planning to do differently this time?

D