BeABetterMan

Never stop trying to quit has literally been my mantra for years. I wouldn't say I relapse as much as I'd say I never stop drinking. I put together 6 months here, 2 weeks there. The list of wreckage if I were to type it would would shock 90% of even the most hardened drunks. I've never had a binge affect me like this one. Usually a couple days after I've bounced back. Not this time. Something has settled deep into my psyche and is causing me unrelenting distress. I have finally started eating 4 days later, but my energy, my mood, my hopelessness are all depleted. But I keep coming back to the boards. I keep going to meetings. I keep calling sponsors and other drunks.

I finally went to the store yesterday to get something my stomach could handle and while there I literally had to talk myself out of a big bottle of vodka. I mean, I feel like I'm on death's door and something inside still thinks Vodka is a good idea. Talk about sickness.

Anyway, I will never stop quitting. Only the past week though, has made me wonder if I will ever succeed.

DesertDawg

I don't know if you have the option, Max, but I made the people around me part of my recovery. With their consent, of course. I am very fortunate that I have family members that live with me that care about me very much, do not drink themselves, and they are very willing to help me stay accountable. As you probably know, quitting is the easy part -- staying quit is the hard part. But I figured out that for whatever reason, doing that for myself just didn't motivate me. The external motivation -- knowing that I'm really letting down someone that I love if I slip up (and knowing that I would be held accountable), combined with my internal motivation to stay sober, was ultimately what pushed my motivation over the edge to maintain my sobriety.

BASEjumper

^^ this

Orchid1

Hey Max! How are you today?

MaximusD

Hey! I am good. Had some anxiety today still left over from drinking. Jumped up in the middle of the night so fast from whatever I was dreaming that I hurt myself a bit. This has happened before. The sleep app has changed my world though. Normally at this stage, with a few days sobriety I can't sleep but I am. Went for a drive to help with anxiousness and wife was worried I was actually getting alcohol. Went swimming after and that helped a lot. All in all, day 3 is done and not so bad.

Orchid1

Glad you're doing well, I get that dream thing! Last night I dreamt I got shot! Talk about a jolted wake😄(I laugh cause it was not real), I use to drive to calm down but then I started drinking a tiny bottle or two as i did it😔, now driving anything past 40min is still abit of a trigger. I am glad you have things to do to occupy yourself. Have a great day today!

MaximusD

Got in a fight with the wife today over stupid stuff. My anxiety sky rocketed. After some time I just got up and gave her a hug despite not wanting to. We talked and she told me already what I know which is that she isn't happy with how I treat her. I told her it is from my struggle with alcohol and she said that she bets that I have drank a lot more than she knows. She is right. One thing is for sure. I need to protect my sobriety with everything I have. I will lose everything if I don't but if I quit and stay quit I will still have everything great around me. I think I just haven't protected my sobriety fierce enough in the past. I need to want it and make it a priority. I need to keep coming here and stay vigilant. My quit needs to be the number 1 thing as all else will fall into place if I stay quit. Had some bad times today with the fight with the wife and some anxiety but day 4 is over and ended just fine. Now off to bed. Work starts again tomorrow.

Fusion

Well done on Day 4 Max. I re-read this recently, it really helped me after I relapsed last year at two and a half years. I noticed that you referenced AVRT, and this SR Recovery Story is AV related, I recently linked it in Taplow's thread, but unsure whether you saw it, or were inclined to read it!

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-my-story.html (JefferyAK/My Story)

DriGuy

I quit when I decided to quit, and then I stayed quit when I decided to stay quit. It's always a decision we make. In my case, I was in a downward spiral with an ugly bottom at the end. In looking back, I could have quit sooner, and I wish I would have.