NicLin

Hi my dear family,

I just need to vent tonight.

I have been feeling attracted to a friend of mine for a little bit now, and have been running from that feeling for many reasons. He is younger than I am, I am still in my first year of recovery, I have to heal, I am afraid (deathly) of failing at love again, I need to finish my steps, etc. I have looked for and found every reason to not feel the things I am feeling.

I spoke with friends who know me very well and they say I have been too hard on myself, that at some point, I can let go and let God and just surrender. That life is about getting hurt and trying to feel and experiencing love.

I decided to try and let go and got a small form of rejection from this person. It really hurt and snapped me right back into my shell. I am again, terrified and wonder if what I am feeling is all made up. Basically, how can I even trust myself??

I'm sad and bummed and feeling really down on myself and I know that the solution is to continue working on my steps (which I did, tonight when I got back) and go help others but I just needed to share this feeling.

I'm scared that I won't ever be able to open up, that I will continue to be scared and silent and rigid. That I will never see myself in a positive way and that I will always feel "not good enough."

Anyways, that's all, thanks and I love you all.

Nic.

Delilah1

You are definitely more than enough. Take some time to continue to heal and work on your recovery. Learn to love the amazing person that Nic is, relationships will follow in time. Sending lots of love to you tonight. ❤️

Dee74

Sounds like there were some pretty sturdy obstacles to this one working out Nic.
The right person is out there...when you meet them it will be easy

D

Gottalife

You have some very wise friends NicLin. I know just how you felt. I was pretty raw too and had to go through all that fear of rejection stuff. I drank my way through adolescence you see, didn't expect I would have to go through it all again properly. But everyone does. It is uncomfortable, painful, and a bit daunting but sooner or later we have to go through it. It is part of growing up for real. One experience I had, which saw me in an instant relationship which quickly went wrong, turned out to be one of the best growth experiences I ever had. Another couple of times I was stood up by ladies I was keen on, which kind of embarrased me in front of my friends. Another, my dream girl gave me her phone number, and when I called it turned out to the the reception of a local hotel. Gosh, as I write this quite a few of these adventures come to mind. The world can be unkind and seemingly unfair, but I only learnt by doing, and each knock back made me a little bit stronger. Also the thought that maybe God had something better in mind.

In any case good on you for having a go. I had a few good moments too, but good or bad, I always kept sobriety as my number one priority, work number two and social number three. The Big Book of AA is pretty clear, these issues have no bearing on whether I could recover or not, but they are important for rejoining the human race