Anustart

So I went through this same mess 3 1/2 years ago. You're handling this far better than me, so, first off, kudos for that. I also only quit drinking in an attempt to save the marriage once I realized how into the danger zone we were (and I was also blindsided like you despite the fact that it should have been so damn obvious) but studies show that a wife usually considers leaving her husband for an average of two years before saying the words and my wife later confirmed that it had, in fact, been building in her mind for those two years. So despite anything and everything I said or did, I couldn't save my marriage. That ship had sailed.

But what I DID save was my life. I was absolutely an end-stage alcoholic. I had every single indicator except for (thank God) long-term physical damage. I had been in hardcore denial for years until I had to take a hard, unfliching look at my life ("broken is open" and all that) and today I'm 1314 days sober. (I have an app!) Life isn't perfect, but I'm living it on my own terms. Alcohol isn't in control anymore: no heavy-duty bar tabs, no hangovers, no blackouts, no seizures. I call the shots, and I say I live. And to live, I cannot drink, plain and simple. Its become second-nature, but I cannot waver. Ever. And neither can you.

There's really nothing I can add that someone else hasn't already contributed, but I can share my own personal experience, send you courage and strength, and reiterate whar others have said: do it for you.

SnoozyQ

Thanks for this thread anustart.
Xxx
You have come so far , it was a really good read xx

Be123

With all humility and gratitude I would like to thank the Sober Recovery community for what you have done for me in the past five months. I fully expected to come on here at five months sober and to tell you happily that we were reconciling and would live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, that is not to be. Today I arranged a date with my solicitor and sent my ex-wife a proposal for how we divide our assets in the separation and provide safe, secure housing and relationships for the kids. This will take a while, but I have resigned myself to the end of the relationship. I am heart broken and have grieved hard for the past five months.

I send you all my thanks as I have managed to approach this time sober, which for me has made the difference between losing my house, my children and, very likely, killing myself. I am going through therapy to learn how to be in touch with my emotions, to grieve for the past and my loss, but to move forward. I am getting there - not the finished article by any means and crying my eyes out as I type. But thats ok, I am sad so I cry. I grieve for my loss, for what I have put my wife and kids through, for the mess I made of things. But I understand why I behaved as I did and I forgive myself. I cannot change the past, only take responsibility for it, which I am doing with all my body and mind and soul.

Thank you all, no matter how small a part you played in it, it is the community as a whole that has helped. My kids will never meet you (hopefully!) and nor will my wife, but they also owe you a debt of gratitude. I cannot thank you enough, the way I choose to repay what I could never repay is to try to offer HOPE to as many people who are struggling as possible.

Peace, love and tears

fishkiller

I am sorry your marriage didn't work out be.
Congrats on 5 months sober though!
It sounds like you have a plan and are working it well. Just coming here and sharing helps all of us as well as yourself. That is huge. Do not feel there is anything to be repaid. Everyone here does what they do because they care and they want to help. Not because they think they will somehow be repaid.

vkf

Been right where your at with 1st wife. Sorry it happened. Keep your head straight. I sure didn't and it jacked me up for almost 19 more years and almost cost me my 2nd marriage.

boreas

Sobriety is a new life. It may not bring everything we wanted, or all we thought we needed, but life is about change.

Congrats on your continued sobriety. Who knows? The future may hold joy from unforeseen places. And if not, I can tell you from experience that being sober for my boy’s journey into adulthood has been more rewarding than I thought possible.

Best wishes,
-bora

Billymacintosh

Hey Be
Having had the privilege of being your classmate for the last few months just wanted to add my two penneth, I too hoped you would be updating this thread with the happy news that things were reconciled and I'm so sad for you that it was not to be. Having said that I just want to applaud you not only for your commitment to sobriety and the steps you have taken to better your life but also the support that you've given, not only to me but to so many in the SR community. You're a great person Be, with lots of fantastic qualities. We truely value you. None of this I'm sure will take the sting off the events which have taken the turn that they have, but as you've written, facing them sober than through the fog of alcohol was definitely the better choice. You're a brave soul Be, sending hugs to you
Love Billy x

Virituze2020

Hi B123
By all means, keep on the sobriety path. You need clarity now and it will NOT be through alcohol that you will have clarity. If the separation goes through then ok, so be it. But you know that you will be sober for your children when they need you now (and on the road ahead) more than ever.
Good luck, stay strong.

Virituze2020

Hi B123
By all means, keep on the sobriety path. You need clarity now and it will NOT be through alcohol that you will have clarity. If the separation goes through then ok, so be it. But you know that you will be sober for your children when they need you now (and on the road ahead) more than ever.
Good luck, stay strong.

Zebra1275

I've followed your story since the beginning. Congratulations on going through this and maintaining your sobriety. And doing this during a global pandemic is inspiring.

MaximusD

This also happened to me with my first wife though unrelated to drinking. Still the hardest thing I ever went through and led to almost daily drinking for years. I am now in another relationship and happier than ever. I don't know your situation or if another relationship is in the cards but I do know you will find happiness again.

venuscat

I know it is impossible to see this right now.....but your children have the best dad on the planet.
You are a wonderful man dear Be.....and no matter how painful all of this is......your future will be a place where you can live proudly and with integrity. And knowing you as I do, it will be filled with love, because we all love you and don't even know you face to face.

We all make terrible mistakes.....especially those of us who have been alcoholics/addicts.....we do damage.
Or we DID damage.

Now we get to do things differently.
And I can tell you from someone who left their whole past life behind.....different is good.
Stuff still hurts a lot from my past....but right now, I can be proud of me. And that helps soothe a damaged heart.

Onwards my friend. With all of us with you. s ❤️

lessgravity

Be - thank you for sharing. I was very deeply moved. I hope you allow yourself to feel the pride and accomplishment that come with forging ahead through life's suffering and pain sober. You easily could have picked up again but you chose, over and over I am sure, not to. That, in and of itself, may have saved your life. Like others, I too am re-married, sober and living a life that I am not sure I even allowed myself to imagine when I was drinking. My children, my new wife, even my ex - everyone benefits from me doing the work to get sober, stay sober and then, finally, start taking care of that which I needed to tend to.

You have done serious work. Keep it up. Gave me chills of recognition to read about your story. Congratulations. Suffering will always remain, but the dignity with which you have moved ensures that grace, peace and perhaps even joy is in your future. Thanks again for sharing.

Hevyn

Be - I went through this many years ago. I was the non drinker at the time. It would have meant all the world to me if my husband had the attitude you do. The marriage could not be salvaged (he wasn't able to sustain sobriety) and I know he was heartbroken - but he never once opened up the way you have. If he had regrets or felt remorse, I never knew about it. To this day I feel a piece of myself is missing due to his inability to share his feelings. I commend you for your heartfelt post. Your ability to own what happened and to vow to continue on with your new sober life is wonderful. I'm so glad you found help here - we value your presence.

Wastinglife

I commend you for staying sober during this process. I haven't been able to make it through painful times sober yet. I take inspiration from you Be123

BeABetterMan

My ex-wife left me 6 years ago because of my drinking. I was not happy in the marriage but I still tried to cling to it. I'm SO glad she stayed firm because again, I did not want to be with her. After a tough few months, our relationship as co-parents is operating as smoothly as could ever be desired. If I didn't share kids with her though, I'm not sure I'd ever think of her and certainly would never long for her.

What's that old Chinese? The one about the man who had the son that fell off the horse and broke his leg and at the time the entire village thought it was just the absolutely worst luck possible. As time passed, the army came looking for able bodied boys to send to war. Because the boy's leg was broken he couldn't go to war. So what may seem tragic or terrible at the time can play out in a completely unexpected way.

If I could do it all again, I would have kept my dignity and walked away with faith in the future instead of clinging to the past. I heard at the time, and have come to believe to my core that once a woman turns that switch off, it never gets turned back on.

Get ready for sappy and oft-quoted cliches, but take this time to work on yourself. Do the things you always wanted to do. Give her and yourself a lot of space. You might choose to be friends later, maybe not. But right now with all of the emotions running high, is not the time to try to define anything for the future.

You can always message me to chat or talk about the details of a divorce, not that I'm an expert, but there were some lessons learned.

Dee74

I'm really sorry things didn't turn our the way you wanted Be - and I am very glad tht you've completely turned things around - your continued recovery is an example to many of us here

D

Surrendered19

It is amazing that you have stayed sober through these really tough months Be. You THOUGHT you were just going to come to terms with your addiction and have to find a new normal with your family. But no. Lets throw in COVID and mass civil unrest and a general feeling of standing on quicksand for all of us. You are always so supportive of others and what you have accomplished during this strange strange time is very inspiring.

MythOfSisyphus

Divorce is hard, I've been through it too, Be123. I'm sorry for what you're going through but there can be still be sunshine after the rain stops. Grieve for what you've lost- that's only human. But then learn to celebrate what you've found and what you've salvaged. Lots of divorces couples have good relationships with their kids but not a lot of drunks do. Honestly, staying together with your wife, both of you miserable, is not good for the kids. Your ex-wife can get on with healing and looking for what will define her life, and you will have that same chance, too.

Just stay sober. No matter what you've lost or how bad it feels, there's more to lose. I've never been in a situation that booze couldn't make worse.

Abraham

An example indeed. Glad to hear you are doing well alcohol wise. You really turned things around. Keep up the good work.