Wife has told me she wants to seperate
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 732
I broke up with my kids father years ago, well before my drinking was a problem, and I remember this part being the worst. It was over for me and until he left it was very difficult living in the same house and the kids were also miserable. I think we were both liberated when he moved out and had good days and bad days while slowly healing. The kids will be ok and they will adjust in time. My life fell apart later when they were grown up and just as you describe so many things I had been struggling and fighting with for years just ended. Once you stop drinking things really do fall into place.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Be - that was a great post - you're hurting now, but also beginning to heal. It's good to put it out there. Most of us have been through the same kind of pain in one way or another. I'm so glad we've decided not to live that way anymore.
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Join Date: Feb 2020
Location: Eastern US
Posts: 1,386
It is true what Dee said. Just make sure to stop digging the hole and it sounds like you have. No matter what stay sober. things will fall into place. Your kids need you. If you continue you could lose your kids too. Check in here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
Ok. So where are we at?
As planned, I'm going for three weeks in the run up to Easter. That's really a holding position for both of us, giving space and time to let the situation settle.
We've spent a fair amount of time together past few days and got on well. But we spoke again this morning and she says that it's only us being 'amicable', there is no connection. She still doesn't want to be part of the relationship. Interestingly she's not angry anymore, just sad and traumatised ('just'!!!!)
But let me be completely honest - I think she's wavering. Not in short term of separating, but she's begun talking about 'separation PERIOD' and 'I'm not saying the connection is impossible to return'. Maybe I'm in denial, maybe I'm clutching at straws. It is a confusing and stressful time. Hopefully the few weeks apart will help with that, but I'm terrified it may solidify her position and it becomes a forever position before I know it.
What is absolutely clear is that I need to stay sober, but more than that begin to address my own issues. I attended an online SMART meeting this week to see what it is like and am going to a real one on Tuesday. This is to work on my alcohol issues (I don't feel the need to rush with this as I'm not going to drink, it's not about 'not-drinking' if you know what I mean, it's about getting to grips with the issues). I'm also going to find a therapist of some description to look at the relationship issues...but I'm going to leave that a while until I'm a bit longer sober.
I feel if we can give this enough time we may just come out the other side, I just hope she doesn't make forever-decisions before that happens
Thanks for listening - please be gentle in your feedback as these are very tender issues as I'm sure you can gauge
As planned, I'm going for three weeks in the run up to Easter. That's really a holding position for both of us, giving space and time to let the situation settle.
We've spent a fair amount of time together past few days and got on well. But we spoke again this morning and she says that it's only us being 'amicable', there is no connection. She still doesn't want to be part of the relationship. Interestingly she's not angry anymore, just sad and traumatised ('just'!!!!)
But let me be completely honest - I think she's wavering. Not in short term of separating, but she's begun talking about 'separation PERIOD' and 'I'm not saying the connection is impossible to return'. Maybe I'm in denial, maybe I'm clutching at straws. It is a confusing and stressful time. Hopefully the few weeks apart will help with that, but I'm terrified it may solidify her position and it becomes a forever position before I know it.
What is absolutely clear is that I need to stay sober, but more than that begin to address my own issues. I attended an online SMART meeting this week to see what it is like and am going to a real one on Tuesday. This is to work on my alcohol issues (I don't feel the need to rush with this as I'm not going to drink, it's not about 'not-drinking' if you know what I mean, it's about getting to grips with the issues). I'm also going to find a therapist of some description to look at the relationship issues...but I'm going to leave that a while until I'm a bit longer sober.
I feel if we can give this enough time we may just come out the other side, I just hope she doesn't make forever-decisions before that happens
Thanks for listening - please be gentle in your feedback as these are very tender issues as I'm sure you can gauge
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
I think your perspective is excellent Be123. The key to all things is you being sober. Your actions and what you show your spouse and your kids every day are the only hope for reconciliation.
Even if the marriage doesn't recover, being sober will allow you to be a great co-parenting team to your kids. That will be so important. If your spouse doesn't view you as a threat to her health and the health of the kids, you will still likely be a large part of her life.
You can get divorced, but if you have kids, you're married forever in some ways. Make the best of that.
Even if the marriage doesn't recover, being sober will allow you to be a great co-parenting team to your kids. That will be so important. If your spouse doesn't view you as a threat to her health and the health of the kids, you will still likely be a large part of her life.
You can get divorced, but if you have kids, you're married forever in some ways. Make the best of that.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 293
Hey Be,
You are doing so well! I enjoy reading your posts because you seem to be very self aware and you are not denying the very important work you have to do as an alcoholic. It is imperative that you do not try to control the outcome because of your fear that if you give her time she will fade away for you.
Do not let this fear steer you away from what you are currently working on. You have put her through hell and you cannot assume that you know what is best for her. You are doing so well. Possibly some counselling would help gain perspective?
You are doing so well! I enjoy reading your posts because you seem to be very self aware and you are not denying the very important work you have to do as an alcoholic. It is imperative that you do not try to control the outcome because of your fear that if you give her time she will fade away for you.
Do not let this fear steer you away from what you are currently working on. You have put her through hell and you cannot assume that you know what is best for her. You are doing so well. Possibly some counselling would help gain perspective?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Don’t push, respect her space, and keep diving into recovery as you are doing.
Actions are the only thing that have any credibility at this point.
Don’t forget to step up with parenting, cooking, housework and don’t just dump everything on her though focus on your recovery, is of course, primary.
Sounds like things are overall going pretty well.
Life sober is actually really excellent once you get things figured out Be—try and reframe this crisis as an opportunity for permanent, positive, change.
Well done so far
Actions are the only thing that have any credibility at this point.
Don’t forget to step up with parenting, cooking, housework and don’t just dump everything on her though focus on your recovery, is of course, primary.
Sounds like things are overall going pretty well.
Life sober is actually really excellent once you get things figured out Be—try and reframe this crisis as an opportunity for permanent, positive, change.
Well done so far
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
I'm very happy to read this update, Be. I know how challenging it is to remain sober when we're emotional & confronted with change - but you're doing it. Facing things without being numb is everything. Proud of you!
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: S.E. MI
Posts: 1,025
I feel for you and am pulling for you. The situation sucks but you are handling it well. Good for you. Most importantly I hope you stay sober and I really hope your relationship can recover. Best of luck to you and congrats on your sober time.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 118
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
Don’t push, respect her space, and keep diving into recovery as you are doing.
Actions are the only thing that have any credibility at this point
Actions are the only thing that have any credibility at this point
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
We just spoke again and she isn't wavering. That was me hoping for the best when there was nothing there at all. I am clearly in denial
Not sure I can cope with this. I'm not going to drink and I'm not going to hurt myself but I'm genuinely not sure I can cope. What do you do when your whole world collapses around you? I can't see any point of carrying on with life, everything I've ever believed in and worked for I have ****** up
Oh for a time machine or some way to go back and make this better. I'm ruined and devastated
Not sure I can cope with this. I'm not going to drink and I'm not going to hurt myself but I'm genuinely not sure I can cope. What do you do when your whole world collapses around you? I can't see any point of carrying on with life, everything I've ever believed in and worked for I have ****** up
Oh for a time machine or some way to go back and make this better. I'm ruined and devastated
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