My sponsor fired me......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 244
My sponsor fired me......
I'm a bit hurt, a bit annoyed, but mostly confused.
I've been sober for over 6 months. I've been going to AA meetings 5 times a week. My sponsor has been amazing. I told him that I was cutting back to 3 meetings a week - and he dumped me. He says I'm not "committed to my recovery."
My love/hate relationship with AA began a long, long time ago. It was only in treatment that I learned how to make AA work for me - and especially in the early days after treatment AA was an absolute life saver. When I was mending bridges and finding my support and starting my new sober life, AA was my rock.
For me, the best part of AA is scheduled time to focus on my recovery. Life gets busy and sometimes you can forget how sick we are - it's important to remember and continue working forward. I've found many other ways to incorporate that mindset into my life. I spend a lot of time at the computer while at work - my headphones are on a lot, and it's not music I'm listening to, it's a book on sobriety, stories about recovery, etc. I don't go a day without thinking deeply about my recovery.
My x-sponsor thought my 5 days a week wasn't enough - but he put up with it. But apparently 3 days means I'm not committed to staying sober???
I keep reminding myself that the only thing us alcoholics really have in common, is that we are alcoholics. Our journey into alcoholism, what we need to detox safely, and what we need to stay sober can vary wildly.
Once sober, what we need to treat or focus on varies - for me it's my anxiety. Calming my anxiety with alcohol is what made me fall off the cliff. I now get up 30 minutes early every morning to meditate, I'm back on meds, and my anxiety is the lowest it's been in decades! Turns out blacking out and tons of caffeine were contributing to it - who knew? LOL I'm rambling.....
The pre-treatment me would be focusing on my x-sponsor, and why he thinks the way he does. My brain works differently these days - ironically, it thinks very selfishly. Nothing is more important to me than staying sober - if this sponsor didn't think we were right together, fine. I'll find another one! If 3 AA meetings a week is what I need, it's what I need. I'll do what I need to stay sober and happy and healthy.
I know AA is a touchy subject for so many of us - and I'm not trying to hit a hornets nest here - just really confused!
I'm at the car dealer while my car gets new brakes - so I have time to rant...............side-note - I'm up and out on a Saturday morning, feeling great! I don't think these sober weekends will ever get old! I LOVE them!!!!
I'm going to stop ranting now - here's to another great day!
Donny
I've been sober for over 6 months. I've been going to AA meetings 5 times a week. My sponsor has been amazing. I told him that I was cutting back to 3 meetings a week - and he dumped me. He says I'm not "committed to my recovery."
My love/hate relationship with AA began a long, long time ago. It was only in treatment that I learned how to make AA work for me - and especially in the early days after treatment AA was an absolute life saver. When I was mending bridges and finding my support and starting my new sober life, AA was my rock.
For me, the best part of AA is scheduled time to focus on my recovery. Life gets busy and sometimes you can forget how sick we are - it's important to remember and continue working forward. I've found many other ways to incorporate that mindset into my life. I spend a lot of time at the computer while at work - my headphones are on a lot, and it's not music I'm listening to, it's a book on sobriety, stories about recovery, etc. I don't go a day without thinking deeply about my recovery.
My x-sponsor thought my 5 days a week wasn't enough - but he put up with it. But apparently 3 days means I'm not committed to staying sober???
I keep reminding myself that the only thing us alcoholics really have in common, is that we are alcoholics. Our journey into alcoholism, what we need to detox safely, and what we need to stay sober can vary wildly.
Once sober, what we need to treat or focus on varies - for me it's my anxiety. Calming my anxiety with alcohol is what made me fall off the cliff. I now get up 30 minutes early every morning to meditate, I'm back on meds, and my anxiety is the lowest it's been in decades! Turns out blacking out and tons of caffeine were contributing to it - who knew? LOL I'm rambling.....
The pre-treatment me would be focusing on my x-sponsor, and why he thinks the way he does. My brain works differently these days - ironically, it thinks very selfishly. Nothing is more important to me than staying sober - if this sponsor didn't think we were right together, fine. I'll find another one! If 3 AA meetings a week is what I need, it's what I need. I'll do what I need to stay sober and happy and healthy.
I know AA is a touchy subject for so many of us - and I'm not trying to hit a hornets nest here - just really confused!
I'm at the car dealer while my car gets new brakes - so I have time to rant...............side-note - I'm up and out on a Saturday morning, feeling great! I don't think these sober weekends will ever get old! I LOVE them!!!!
I'm going to stop ranting now - here's to another great day!
Donny
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 103
Nothing is more important to me than staying sober - if this sponsor didn't think we were right together, fine. I'll find another one! If 3 AA meetings a week is what I need, it's what I need. I'll do what I need to stay sober and happy and healthy.
Sponsors do the best they can and they stick with what they know. It could be that you're at an impasse and need to get a new sponsor.
My only concern is that you are still in early sobriety and that you admit that you are thinking selfishly. Sobriety absolutely has to come first. Like your sponsor, I've seen people cut back on meetings only to relapse soon later. Not all of them make it back.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Florida
Posts: 368
May I ask why you are cutting back to 3 days a week? I've heard story after story just like yours where someone was going 5 or 6 days a week, got comfortable and cut it in half, then time passes and they end up relapsing. I'm not saying you will but maybe your sponsor is right. Also AA is not just for you to stay sober, but to help others achieve sobriety. Maybe your sponsor doesn't think 3 days is enough for you to do both? I do think he shouldn't have just immediately fired you but should have scheduled a meeting with you to discuss why he thinks that's not a good idea.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
I know I cant work other folks program and
can share what has and still works for me since
I entered recovery back in August 1990, some
29 yrs of one day at a time sober ago.
After my 28 rehab stay I continued on with a
6 week outpatient aftercare program to complete
that part of my recovery. From there, it was up to
me to do what was taught to me by incorporating
the tools and knowledge of an effective recovery
program in my everyday life on a continuous bases.
As an at home mom and wife, I had to learn how to
balance both in my new recovery life. Learning that
I couldnt have one without the other if I wanted to be
successful in both.
To the best of my human ability I did accomplish both.
Not perfect nor was it expected to be. All I needed to do
was to continue learning and growing by following in the
paths of those who have successfully learned how to live
a sober life themselves.
My sponsor led me by example. I saw in her what I wanted
in living a sober life and followed them to the best of my
ability.
I had responsibilities as a mom and wife and she with
her job and personal life. If we were able to meet up
at meetings then that was great. However, most of the
time, I went to meetings on my own. Step meetings,
big book meetings, conventions, etc. because that is
what worked for me and my situation.
I know the importance of staying sober and using
the tools and knowledge taught to me to help me
remain sober and achieve many of lifes rewards.
If I began to slack then, I had to regroup and work
harder to continue building my recovery foundation
one step and brick at a time. This building foundation
didnt go up quickly, but over the yrs it has become
stronger as I continue to learn new and healthier
ways to live within it.
No one can work your program for you. But you
can ask for help and guidance and follow those
you see what you like in them in the way they
live their own life in recovery.
I never set anyone on a pedestal knowing that
each of us is only human and anything can happen
to where they fall off of it. Like returning to the
insanity of our addiction.
To avoid falling off, slipping, going back to drinking
for me is to never forget what is most important to
me. To remain sober no matter what happens, to continue
incorporating all that was taught to me on a continuous
bases for without this, I would have nothing.
No life because I would either be drunk, crazy or dead.
I think I will stay the course, connected to my recovery
lifelines and continue passing on this knowledge to
others like they have done with me for so many yrs now.
You are still in early recovery. Continue listening, learning,
absorbing and applying recovery knowledge to your everyday
life to achieve lifes amazing gifts to enjoy for the rest of
your life.
can share what has and still works for me since
I entered recovery back in August 1990, some
29 yrs of one day at a time sober ago.
After my 28 rehab stay I continued on with a
6 week outpatient aftercare program to complete
that part of my recovery. From there, it was up to
me to do what was taught to me by incorporating
the tools and knowledge of an effective recovery
program in my everyday life on a continuous bases.
As an at home mom and wife, I had to learn how to
balance both in my new recovery life. Learning that
I couldnt have one without the other if I wanted to be
successful in both.
To the best of my human ability I did accomplish both.
Not perfect nor was it expected to be. All I needed to do
was to continue learning and growing by following in the
paths of those who have successfully learned how to live
a sober life themselves.
My sponsor led me by example. I saw in her what I wanted
in living a sober life and followed them to the best of my
ability.
I had responsibilities as a mom and wife and she with
her job and personal life. If we were able to meet up
at meetings then that was great. However, most of the
time, I went to meetings on my own. Step meetings,
big book meetings, conventions, etc. because that is
what worked for me and my situation.
I know the importance of staying sober and using
the tools and knowledge taught to me to help me
remain sober and achieve many of lifes rewards.
If I began to slack then, I had to regroup and work
harder to continue building my recovery foundation
one step and brick at a time. This building foundation
didnt go up quickly, but over the yrs it has become
stronger as I continue to learn new and healthier
ways to live within it.
No one can work your program for you. But you
can ask for help and guidance and follow those
you see what you like in them in the way they
live their own life in recovery.
I never set anyone on a pedestal knowing that
each of us is only human and anything can happen
to where they fall off of it. Like returning to the
insanity of our addiction.
To avoid falling off, slipping, going back to drinking
for me is to never forget what is most important to
me. To remain sober no matter what happens, to continue
incorporating all that was taught to me on a continuous
bases for without this, I would have nothing.
No life because I would either be drunk, crazy or dead.
I think I will stay the course, connected to my recovery
lifelines and continue passing on this knowledge to
others like they have done with me for so many yrs now.
You are still in early recovery. Continue listening, learning,
absorbing and applying recovery knowledge to your everyday
life to achieve lifes amazing gifts to enjoy for the rest of
your life.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 1,132
Originally Posted by Donnylutz 
The pre-treatment me would be focusing on my x-sponsor, and why he thinks the way he does. My brain works differently these days - ironically, it thinks very selfishly.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
I'm not an AA person, but I think YOU are the person who knows what is best for you, not your sponsor. I think it's important for you to learn to have confidence in yourself and your decisions.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Kerry, Ireland
Posts: 2,706
Firstly well done on your sober time.
I think personally you're better off without that sponsor. Sponsors are there to take you through the steps, they are not life coaches!! And only you at the end of the day can decide how many meetings you need a week. I too have had a love/hate relationship with AA, I go to 2, maybe 3 meetings at the most a week, some of the same sharing is tiring but I do admit it has helped me the last 9 months now.
There are some very unwell people at certain meetings I've found and just cos someone is sober a long time doesn't mean their advise is 100% sound all the time. Will I continue to go to meetings in-defiantly ? Who knows!? Like I said things are going pretty well with meetings at the moment but can never rule out finding other recovery paths.
I think personally you're better off without that sponsor. Sponsors are there to take you through the steps, they are not life coaches!! And only you at the end of the day can decide how many meetings you need a week. I too have had a love/hate relationship with AA, I go to 2, maybe 3 meetings at the most a week, some of the same sharing is tiring but I do admit it has helped me the last 9 months now.
There are some very unwell people at certain meetings I've found and just cos someone is sober a long time doesn't mean their advise is 100% sound all the time. Will I continue to go to meetings in-defiantly ? Who knows!? Like I said things are going pretty well with meetings at the moment but can never rule out finding other recovery paths.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
I had two different runs at sobriety in AA.
First sponsor told me I needed to do as many meetings as nights I drank, so that was 7.
It was awesome at first, although home life suffered unimaginably and at one point my wife said "at least when you were on the couch with a can in your hand, you were actually here"
That hurt and I muttered something about being unsupportive, but deep down I knew she was right on a level.
9 months in and I fell off my pink cloud, and didn't do anything much except trudge on because everyone kept telling me "don't drink and it will get better" around the 18 month mark, I was rageful, constantly anxious, depressed and toying with the idea of suicide.
I went to my sponsor and asked about the steps, he was at least honest enough to say he couldn't help me, he'd never done them.
Limped a long for a few more months, eventually opened up to another member and he suggested I get to more meetings, I said I was going to 7 a week, he said he didn't know what to tell me, he did 2 a week and ran sweet as.
One day I just up and out of a meeting and went to the bottle store.
If this was sobriety, I didn't want it.
4 more years of drinking.
I'd read the steps on the wall as we all do, but because people had said that all I needed to do was stop drinking, hey ... Gimme an easy way out, I'll take it. No fearless moral inventory and God stuff for me ... Yay.
So it was a mixture of bad advice and of course, me thinking I could take the easy way out.
Then, can in hand on my couch, I came across XA speakers and heard so much about AA that I just hadn't heard the first time.
So I had to get honest with myself and asess the situation, how much longer could this drinking go on ? I wasn't rageful, constantly anxious and suicidal anymore because I had alcohol to treat my alcoholism, but of course being drunk a lot of the time does bring it's own problems (to put it mildly)
So I figured I'm in a trap I can't spring, can't go on drinking, can't tolerate being just sober either.
Maybe those banners at the meetings are there for a reason, maybe these crazy talks about a spiritual solution on Xa Speakers are onto something.
I went and searched out a big book meeting.
The guy who was to sponsor me through the steps, heard my little tale of woe about no program and 7 meetings a week.
He asked me if I liked watered down drinks ?
Of course not, who does that ?
He asked me if I would be okay with buying cocaine that was 90% talcum powder and icing sugar ?
Again ... Of course not
Why not ?
Because it wouldn't do anything, there's not going to be an effect.
So why did you come to AA and accept a watered down solution ?
And with that the penny dropped.
We agreed on 2-3 meetings a week and we'd get through the steps in the next 12 weeks.
Chalk and cheese. Night and day. In fact I can't really do the difference justice with words.
First sponsor told me I needed to do as many meetings as nights I drank, so that was 7.
It was awesome at first, although home life suffered unimaginably and at one point my wife said "at least when you were on the couch with a can in your hand, you were actually here"
That hurt and I muttered something about being unsupportive, but deep down I knew she was right on a level.
9 months in and I fell off my pink cloud, and didn't do anything much except trudge on because everyone kept telling me "don't drink and it will get better" around the 18 month mark, I was rageful, constantly anxious, depressed and toying with the idea of suicide.
I went to my sponsor and asked about the steps, he was at least honest enough to say he couldn't help me, he'd never done them.
Limped a long for a few more months, eventually opened up to another member and he suggested I get to more meetings, I said I was going to 7 a week, he said he didn't know what to tell me, he did 2 a week and ran sweet as.
One day I just up and out of a meeting and went to the bottle store.
If this was sobriety, I didn't want it.
4 more years of drinking.
I'd read the steps on the wall as we all do, but because people had said that all I needed to do was stop drinking, hey ... Gimme an easy way out, I'll take it. No fearless moral inventory and God stuff for me ... Yay.
So it was a mixture of bad advice and of course, me thinking I could take the easy way out.
Then, can in hand on my couch, I came across XA speakers and heard so much about AA that I just hadn't heard the first time.
So I had to get honest with myself and asess the situation, how much longer could this drinking go on ? I wasn't rageful, constantly anxious and suicidal anymore because I had alcohol to treat my alcoholism, but of course being drunk a lot of the time does bring it's own problems (to put it mildly)
So I figured I'm in a trap I can't spring, can't go on drinking, can't tolerate being just sober either.
Maybe those banners at the meetings are there for a reason, maybe these crazy talks about a spiritual solution on Xa Speakers are onto something.
I went and searched out a big book meeting.
The guy who was to sponsor me through the steps, heard my little tale of woe about no program and 7 meetings a week.
He asked me if I liked watered down drinks ?
Of course not, who does that ?
He asked me if I would be okay with buying cocaine that was 90% talcum powder and icing sugar ?
Again ... Of course not
Why not ?
Because it wouldn't do anything, there's not going to be an effect.
So why did you come to AA and accept a watered down solution ?
And with that the penny dropped.
We agreed on 2-3 meetings a week and we'd get through the steps in the next 12 weeks.
Chalk and cheese. Night and day. In fact I can't really do the difference justice with words.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
My sponsor suggests I commit to a specific number of meetings (I chose 3) a week and to stick with that commitment as we alkies don't usually keep our commitments! So far, I've been good for almost 9 years now.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi Donny
I'm going to go a different way on this than some.
You've been posting a lot lately - nothing wrong with that at all - its great!
but...its clear that something is bothering or troubling you recovery wise.
Just wondered why you'd want to decrease your support and number of meetings rather than increase it?
D
I'm going to go a different way on this than some.
You've been posting a lot lately - nothing wrong with that at all - its great!
but...its clear that something is bothering or troubling you recovery wise.
Just wondered why you'd want to decrease your support and number of meetings rather than increase it?
D
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I'm going to go back and revise my question a little: working the steps with a sponsor who has not only done them but has their own sponsor is the strongest plan I've ever seen lead us to a good recovery program.
I hope you take a bit of your resistance to others' suggestions down and commit to giving what folks finding more peace than you seem to be telling us you have a real shot.
I hope you take a bit of your resistance to others' suggestions down and commit to giving what folks finding more peace than you seem to be telling us you have a real shot.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 244
I appreciate everyone's thoughts and opinions.
To clarify, I'm cutting back on AA meetings because A)I don't feel I need 5 meetings a week anymore and B)There's only so many hours in a day.
I, very thankfully, still had some responsibilities and obligations when I came out of treatment. I've had the same job for 3 years, which I love, and I'm currently working 50 or so hours a week (won't be forever, but things are crazy right now). I also coach, teaching little kids how to skate is THE BEST.....I do that 1 evening and one weekend morning a week. My dad lives a 2 hour drive away and is recovering from a stroke - ...................I'm busy. With that being said - I'm STILL totally focused on 3 meetings a week. Someone mentioned that I've been posting a lot here - yes I have! I've been a lurker for a long time - I haven't been sober this long in decades and posting about it makes me feel good, and maybe can help someone else. I've been helped by numerous other posts here - It's why I come here everyday.
I'm working on the balance of life as an addict - would it be beneficial to quit my job, quit skating, and just do AA meetings every day and multiple times a day? For me, no it would not. I did 30 meetings in 30 days out of treatment - I'm working the steps, I'm professionally treating my anxiety disorder, I have a large group of support (friends/family) that are here to help any time I need them - as someone else mentioned, only I can decide what I need. If 3 AA meetings aren't enough - I'll make an adjustment. I've heard that being an addict needs to be my full-time job - while staying sober is my priority, life continues around it, and for the first time is a VERY LONG time, I'm enjoying my life!
Happy Sunday to everyone - I'm going to mediate (30 minutes every morning, it's a wonderful way to start the day!) Then I'm heading to the ice rink, then an AA meeting, then dinner with some friends. I'm happy, and I'm sober :-)
To clarify, I'm cutting back on AA meetings because A)I don't feel I need 5 meetings a week anymore and B)There's only so many hours in a day.
I, very thankfully, still had some responsibilities and obligations when I came out of treatment. I've had the same job for 3 years, which I love, and I'm currently working 50 or so hours a week (won't be forever, but things are crazy right now). I also coach, teaching little kids how to skate is THE BEST.....I do that 1 evening and one weekend morning a week. My dad lives a 2 hour drive away and is recovering from a stroke - ...................I'm busy. With that being said - I'm STILL totally focused on 3 meetings a week. Someone mentioned that I've been posting a lot here - yes I have! I've been a lurker for a long time - I haven't been sober this long in decades and posting about it makes me feel good, and maybe can help someone else. I've been helped by numerous other posts here - It's why I come here everyday.
I'm working on the balance of life as an addict - would it be beneficial to quit my job, quit skating, and just do AA meetings every day and multiple times a day? For me, no it would not. I did 30 meetings in 30 days out of treatment - I'm working the steps, I'm professionally treating my anxiety disorder, I have a large group of support (friends/family) that are here to help any time I need them - as someone else mentioned, only I can decide what I need. If 3 AA meetings aren't enough - I'll make an adjustment. I've heard that being an addict needs to be my full-time job - while staying sober is my priority, life continues around it, and for the first time is a VERY LONG time, I'm enjoying my life!
Happy Sunday to everyone - I'm going to mediate (30 minutes every morning, it's a wonderful way to start the day!) Then I'm heading to the ice rink, then an AA meeting, then dinner with some friends. I'm happy, and I'm sober :-)
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
So...that's a no to the steps with a sponsor (I'm unclear on that), and a justification/explanation of how many meetings work for you, if i read thru all the other words you used.
It might keep you from drinking, or it might not. But it's not working the program of AA which i suggested for many reasons. And it may prove enough for you. Best to you.
It might keep you from drinking, or it might not. But it's not working the program of AA which i suggested for many reasons. And it may prove enough for you. Best to you.
waking down
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
Maybe see if there are any SMART Recovery meetings in your area. No sponsors. No judgement. Facilitators are trained. Do what works for you. No matter what anyone tells you, there's more than one way to skin a cat.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 1,132
Donny!!
It sounds like you have a plan in place! Change it as you go along should you need to. You know what's best for you. I'm sorry about your sponsor. That one left me pretty much speechless.
It sounds like you have a plan in place! Change it as you go along should you need to. You know what's best for you. I'm sorry about your sponsor. That one left me pretty much speechless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 244
[QUOTE=August252015;7384140]So...that's a no to the steps with a sponsor (I'm unclear on that), and a justification/explanation of how many meetings work for you, if i read thru all the other words you used.
I was working the steps with a sponsor, and I will continue to once I find another sponsor.
I was working the steps with a sponsor, and I will continue to once I find another sponsor.
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