My sponsor fired me......
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Three days a week or five? I don't know what the correct number is. Alcoholics must walk a line wondering if we are doing it right or not doing enough. Some of us seem to have a good understanding what we need to do. Others don't seem to have that grasp.
I would encourage you to keep wondering. The road to failure is paved with good intentions. While I love that cliche, it's also true that the road to success is also paved with good intentions. And both roads will introduce us to fellow travelers, some who can help and some who don't have a clue. There has to be a lot of self reliance in finding our way. But wondering is one of the ways we sort things out. How much you go to meetings may not be where your focus should be, but it's worth wondering about. Most things are worth wondering about.
For some reason I don't understand at the moment, my advice would be to not feel guilty about your path to recovery. Just make adjustments if you start to stray.
I would encourage you to keep wondering. The road to failure is paved with good intentions. While I love that cliche, it's also true that the road to success is also paved with good intentions. And both roads will introduce us to fellow travelers, some who can help and some who don't have a clue. There has to be a lot of self reliance in finding our way. But wondering is one of the ways we sort things out. How much you go to meetings may not be where your focus should be, but it's worth wondering about. Most things are worth wondering about.
For some reason I don't understand at the moment, my advice would be to not feel guilty about your path to recovery. Just make adjustments if you start to stray.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 244
Originally Posted by DriGuy 
Three days a week or five? I don't know what the correct number is. Alcoholics must walk a line wondering if we are doing it right or not doing enough. Some of us seem to have a good understanding what we need to do. Others don't seem to have that grasp.
I would encourage you to keep wondering. The road to failure is paved with good intentions. While I love that cliche, it's also true that the road to success is also paved with good intentions. And both roads will introduce us to fellow travelers, some who can help and some who don't have a clue. There has to be a lot of self reliance in finding our way. But wondering is one of the ways we sort things out. How much you go to meetings may not be where your focus should be, but it's worth wondering about. Most things are worth wondering about.
For some reason I don't understand at the moment, my advice would be to not feel guilty about your path to recovery. Just make adjustments it if you start to stray.
I would encourage you to keep wondering. The road to failure is paved with good intentions. While I love that cliche, it's also true that the road to success is also paved with good intentions. And both roads will introduce us to fellow travelers, some who can help and some who don't have a clue. There has to be a lot of self reliance in finding our way. But wondering is one of the ways we sort things out. How much you go to meetings may not be where your focus should be, but it's worth wondering about. Most things are worth wondering about.
For some reason I don't understand at the moment, my advice would be to not feel guilty about your path to recovery. Just make adjustments it if you start to stray.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Once you formally work the steps, and you can learn
to do them and learn about each one by going to each
of those step study meetings. We never stop learning
about them and how to incorporate them, live them
in our daily lives.
The steps are a guideline alcoholics in recovery can
live by and help better their quality of life. Just as those
who live by Faith and their religious schooling and up
bringing. By lessons learned in all walks of life. Spiritual
life learned along the way.
There is a lots of big book studies to also learn how
to work your steps too and as they say, all the answers
are in there.
Stay connected to your recovery lifelines so you
never have to walk alone in your journey to achieve
healthy, happiness and honesty in all your affairs.
Recovery support with you always.
to do them and learn about each one by going to each
of those step study meetings. We never stop learning
about them and how to incorporate them, live them
in our daily lives.
The steps are a guideline alcoholics in recovery can
live by and help better their quality of life. Just as those
who live by Faith and their religious schooling and up
bringing. By lessons learned in all walks of life. Spiritual
life learned along the way.
There is a lots of big book studies to also learn how
to work your steps too and as they say, all the answers
are in there.
Stay connected to your recovery lifelines so you
never have to walk alone in your journey to achieve
healthy, happiness and honesty in all your affairs.
Recovery support with you always.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,203
Congratulations on 6+ months sober Donny!
I agree with you, 5 meetings a week does seem a lot, I couldn't do and I live alone.I think AA meetings should be something to look forward to, not a step on a treadmill. You need time for yourself, time to relax, time to attend to stuff. In the early days not drinking is quite rightly the focus of all of our efforts but as we know recovery is about more than just not drinking, it is about recovering the rest of our lives too.
I do not think you need feel hurt either, even if your sponsor feels it is for your own good if your sponsor is unable or unwilling to take on board your point of view then I think he or she might have an issue of their own.
Make it a year and prove you made the right choice.
I agree with you, 5 meetings a week does seem a lot, I couldn't do and I live alone.I think AA meetings should be something to look forward to, not a step on a treadmill. You need time for yourself, time to relax, time to attend to stuff. In the early days not drinking is quite rightly the focus of all of our efforts but as we know recovery is about more than just not drinking, it is about recovering the rest of our lives too.
I do not think you need feel hurt either, even if your sponsor feels it is for your own good if your sponsor is unable or unwilling to take on board your point of view then I think he or she might have an issue of their own.
Make it a year and prove you made the right choice.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,594
Quote: "Thank you. I'm sober, and just left an AA meeting, so I must be doing something right."
I think you are doing a lot of things right Donny. Wish I had as much balance as you display in your life, and I'm glad you're enjoying it sober. Congratulations.
People get sober in lots of different ways Donny. People examine their lives in lots of different ways.
The only requirement (to coin a phrase) for all of these successes, is sobriety, and an examination of our lives in a manner that works for us personally. Just my humble opinion.
Wishing you the very best Donny.
Keep sober, and keep skating.
I think you are doing a lot of things right Donny. Wish I had as much balance as you display in your life, and I'm glad you're enjoying it sober. Congratulations.
People get sober in lots of different ways Donny. People examine their lives in lots of different ways.
The only requirement (to coin a phrase) for all of these successes, is sobriety, and an examination of our lives in a manner that works for us personally. Just my humble opinion.
Wishing you the very best Donny.
Keep sober, and keep skating.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
3 meetings in a day feels comfortable to me now.
One day at a time. More will be revealed.
As I put my daily recovery program first, everything else in my life keeps working out.
I have big goals and many small ones. The experience of stepping up in new ways and stepping back to let things with themselves out has been spectacular. I put in the work in new ways, each and every day. It simply looks much different than it used to.
Congratulations on your sobriety!
My recovery is in a different 12 step program. I often attend open AA and open NA meetings. My chosen home-recovery-city is about 90 minutes away. It's been worth it to me. The drive time has become part of my recovery protocol.
One day at a time. More will be revealed.
As I put my daily recovery program first, everything else in my life keeps working out.
I have big goals and many small ones. The experience of stepping up in new ways and stepping back to let things with themselves out has been spectacular. I put in the work in new ways, each and every day. It simply looks much different than it used to.
Congratulations on your sobriety!
My recovery is in a different 12 step program. I often attend open AA and open NA meetings. My chosen home-recovery-city is about 90 minutes away. It's been worth it to me. The drive time has become part of my recovery protocol.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
The above simply posted for experience, strength and hope.
Recovery can look like many things. Getting through the first few years can be setting a great foundation for everything else that comes.
Once I got into a "safe spot" in my recovery, that's when a lot of hard hitting past stuff started coming up for me to deal with.
Recovery can look like many things. Getting through the first few years can be setting a great foundation for everything else that comes.
Once I got into a "safe spot" in my recovery, that's when a lot of hard hitting past stuff started coming up for me to deal with.
DOS: 08-16-2012
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Central Iowa
Posts: 365
I imagine your sponsor knows much more than you think he does and he's seeing things you don't see. From what you posted I see a person who is 6 months sober in AA, hasn't worked a 4th or 5th step and is already backing away from the program. If I misread something there I apologize but I believe that is what you posted.
Of course you don't see you cutting back meetings as backing away but since I did the same thing I can tell you that is what is happening. Not that it's not fine to back away at some point but 6 months is not that point. Sounds like you went to a rehab facility so you clearly need a lot of help staying sober which means you need to be fully immersed in the program of AA. For 6 months you have been able to be dedicated to your meetings so it seems odd that you would truly need to change that now. You listed a number if very important things that you enjoy and want/need to do but what I see if a list of excuses as to why you won't be as active in AA and feel you don't need to be accountable to your schedule or your sponsors suggestions.
Like I said, from experience I know there are more things at play than you simply want to drop a couple of meetings a week. You are at the point where listening to your sponsor and following their advice is very important because they have been down this road. I would advice to at least keep your schedule until you work through the 4th and 5th steps with your sponsor and re-evaluate at that time. Your mind will be that much more clear and maybe you will look back and see some of the little things that your sponsor is seeing now that you are not.
You are 6 months sober and that is great so you are doing many things right! Congratulations and I hope things keep going well for you.
Of course you don't see you cutting back meetings as backing away but since I did the same thing I can tell you that is what is happening. Not that it's not fine to back away at some point but 6 months is not that point. Sounds like you went to a rehab facility so you clearly need a lot of help staying sober which means you need to be fully immersed in the program of AA. For 6 months you have been able to be dedicated to your meetings so it seems odd that you would truly need to change that now. You listed a number if very important things that you enjoy and want/need to do but what I see if a list of excuses as to why you won't be as active in AA and feel you don't need to be accountable to your schedule or your sponsors suggestions.
Like I said, from experience I know there are more things at play than you simply want to drop a couple of meetings a week. You are at the point where listening to your sponsor and following their advice is very important because they have been down this road. I would advice to at least keep your schedule until you work through the 4th and 5th steps with your sponsor and re-evaluate at that time. Your mind will be that much more clear and maybe you will look back and see some of the little things that your sponsor is seeing now that you are not.
You are 6 months sober and that is great so you are doing many things right! Congratulations and I hope things keep going well for you.
waking down
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
I went to some 12 Step meetings in early recovery, and they all strongly motivated me to create a full and fulfilling life so I would feel little if any need to attend meetings. It sounds to me like that's what you're doing; too busy living life to attend meetings almost daily. I took classes, started a couple of bands, volunteered, walked dogs, spent more time with family, exercised, meditated, started writing (and still doing all the above six years later)... All of this to me has been way more fun than feeling obliged to attend meetings. Your sponsor was out of line.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 519
Remember, sponsors are merely making suggestions based on their own experiences on how they have managed to stay sober...you can take them or leave them, the same way i guess, they can choose to sponsor you or not.
I say move on, don't let this one bad experience ruin AA for you, it has been a wonderful gift in my life.
But I agree, find someone to take you through the steps and if you feel that your cutting back on meetings is starting to have anegative effect, more AA! And more AA doesn't just mean showing up at the meetings and TALKING about step work, it means doing it and going out there and giving it away...with service, welcoming a newcomer, etc.
Rooting for you!
I say move on, don't let this one bad experience ruin AA for you, it has been a wonderful gift in my life.
But I agree, find someone to take you through the steps and if you feel that your cutting back on meetings is starting to have anegative effect, more AA! And more AA doesn't just mean showing up at the meetings and TALKING about step work, it means doing it and going out there and giving it away...with service, welcoming a newcomer, etc.
Rooting for you!
Reality...what a concept!
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: CT, USA
Posts: 1,232
When I first went to AA and asked about sponsors, nearly every person I asked said they had been “fired” by a sponsor at some point, for various reasons ranging from not doing what they recommend to moving away. This turned me off to the whole idea of a sponsor, and I never got one. I stay sober through a combination of tools such as attending AA (albeit no sponsor), studying the effect of alcohol on the body and mind, reading books about recovery, and doing service not in and out of AA. I also belong to a group of women in recovery who I can turn to for support much like a sponsor. I totally understand the concept of sponsors and every day meetings back when AA first started - remember there was no internet, no virtual support like SR here, and far less understanding about addiction and recovery than we have now, it totally sounds to me like you are doing more for your recovery than if you attended an AA meeting and talked to your sponsor every day, and if those other activities are what keep you sober, there is nothing wrong with that.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
As an "AA guy" myself, I like to look at what the AA PROGRAM has to say about how one recovers. Turns out they wrote it down - covered really well in the first 164 pages in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. I've read those pages many 100's of times and still don't see where part of the recovery process requires attendance at AA meetings. Meetings are mentioned a couple times and only once to they somewhat off-handedly suggest it.
Looking at the 12 steps, ya know, the things that the 100 ppl who wrote the book actually did TO RECOVER, I don't see one that says "Attend AA meetings." There are 1000's of people who like to add to or subtract from that book & those directions and while anyone's certainly free to do whatever they want, something is quite simply part of the recovery process or it isn't It's pretty cut and dry.
I don't know why your sponsor did what they did. Maybe it was the drop in meetings.......maybe that was just the last straw? Maybe they were right to do what they did, maybe they weren't. In your case, I'd suggest taking a good hard look at what you were doing and not doing. Was there an area of your recovery that you could have done better in? Was there anything you were missing? Were you progressing through the steps, asking questions and making progress? Is it possible you had a great sponsor but failed your end of the bargain? Is it possible you only thought you had a great sponsor but actually you're destined to find just the right person next and wouldn't have done so were you entwined in a lackluster relationship with someone you only thought was solid?
Lots of questions to consider. The answers typically reveal themselves over time so no need to know the absolute answer to all of them now. What is important is what you do going forward. While it's not impossible to recover and work the steps without a sponsor, it's a helluva advantage to have a guide who knows what they're doing. My experience has been that great sponsors are all over the place....we simply have to be willing to do some seeking and practice being open to recognizing that person when they show up even though they may not look or sound like the type of person we "think" we need. What I mean is that you picked sponsor #1 and they seemed awesome. You thought they were great and the the "relationship" was super....... yet look at how that turned out. I picked my first sponsor and thought the same things.........for a while. Eventually I fired him and went in search of a "real AA sponsor." Turned out I didn't necessarily know what that was or how that person would look/sound/behave so all I did was incorporate my desire for a solid sponsor into my prayers. Turns out God picks waaaaay better sponsors than I ever could have. I've never heard of this approach failing but I guess anything's possible.
Looking at the 12 steps, ya know, the things that the 100 ppl who wrote the book actually did TO RECOVER, I don't see one that says "Attend AA meetings." There are 1000's of people who like to add to or subtract from that book & those directions and while anyone's certainly free to do whatever they want, something is quite simply part of the recovery process or it isn't It's pretty cut and dry.
I don't know why your sponsor did what they did. Maybe it was the drop in meetings.......maybe that was just the last straw? Maybe they were right to do what they did, maybe they weren't. In your case, I'd suggest taking a good hard look at what you were doing and not doing. Was there an area of your recovery that you could have done better in? Was there anything you were missing? Were you progressing through the steps, asking questions and making progress? Is it possible you had a great sponsor but failed your end of the bargain? Is it possible you only thought you had a great sponsor but actually you're destined to find just the right person next and wouldn't have done so were you entwined in a lackluster relationship with someone you only thought was solid?
Lots of questions to consider. The answers typically reveal themselves over time so no need to know the absolute answer to all of them now. What is important is what you do going forward. While it's not impossible to recover and work the steps without a sponsor, it's a helluva advantage to have a guide who knows what they're doing. My experience has been that great sponsors are all over the place....we simply have to be willing to do some seeking and practice being open to recognizing that person when they show up even though they may not look or sound like the type of person we "think" we need. What I mean is that you picked sponsor #1 and they seemed awesome. You thought they were great and the the "relationship" was super....... yet look at how that turned out. I picked my first sponsor and thought the same things.........for a while. Eventually I fired him and went in search of a "real AA sponsor." Turned out I didn't necessarily know what that was or how that person would look/sound/behave so all I did was incorporate my desire for a solid sponsor into my prayers. Turns out God picks waaaaay better sponsors than I ever could have.
I've never heard of this approach failing but I guess anything's possible.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,645
Hi Donny,
I just want to share that nothing is worth a relapse. Even though you are committed to recovery, I've been there and drinking the next day. And it wasn't because I was dishonest - I was absolutely sincere about pursuing my recovery. Something happened, I said "f*** it" - fast forward a week and I'm puking my guts out, shaking, unable to sleep, unable to think, and ruining my life.
Whatever is bugging you or digging at you, don't let it lead to a relapse. That's never fun.
I just want to share that nothing is worth a relapse. Even though you are committed to recovery, I've been there and drinking the next day. And it wasn't because I was dishonest - I was absolutely sincere about pursuing my recovery. Something happened, I said "f*** it" - fast forward a week and I'm puking my guts out, shaking, unable to sleep, unable to think, and ruining my life.
Whatever is bugging you or digging at you, don't let it lead to a relapse. That's never fun.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 244
Originally Posted by ThatWasTheOldMe
Hi Donny,
I just want to share that nothing is worth a relapse. Even though you are committed to recovery, I've been there and drinking the next day. And it wasn't because I was dishonest - I was absolutely sincere about pursuing my recovery. Something happened, I said "f*** it" - fast forward a week and I'm puking my guts out, shaking, unable to sleep, unable to think, and ruining my life.
Whatever is bugging you or digging at you, don't let it lead to a relapse. That's never fun.
I just want to share that nothing is worth a relapse. Even though you are committed to recovery, I've been there and drinking the next day. And it wasn't because I was dishonest - I was absolutely sincere about pursuing my recovery. Something happened, I said "f*** it" - fast forward a week and I'm puking my guts out, shaking, unable to sleep, unable to think, and ruining my life.
Whatever is bugging you or digging at you, don't let it lead to a relapse. That's never fun.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,934
AA was a key ingredient in helping my to finally get, and stay sober. That was 10 years ago. I got a sponsor, went to meetings, worked the steps etc.
I never did more than 2 or 3 meetings per week and my sponsor was ok with that. I felt that there were important things to do to achieve sobriety, like spending many hours every week on this website and reading a ton of literature on alcoholism (the money I used to spend on booze was probably spent buying books from Amazon).
Over the years my AA meeting attendance decreased, and frankly I haven't been to an AA meeting since sometime in 2018. I haven't talked or texted with my sponsor in a couple of years either. No particular reason why, we just gradually grew apart.
AA was important in helping me to achieve sobriety, but the urgency to try to get sober is gone. After 10 years, sobriety is a lifestyle now. I won't ever become complacent, but I just don't feel the need to go to meetings right now. Everyone's needs are different, but this is what has worked for me.
I never did more than 2 or 3 meetings per week and my sponsor was ok with that. I felt that there were important things to do to achieve sobriety, like spending many hours every week on this website and reading a ton of literature on alcoholism (the money I used to spend on booze was probably spent buying books from Amazon).
Over the years my AA meeting attendance decreased, and frankly I haven't been to an AA meeting since sometime in 2018. I haven't talked or texted with my sponsor in a couple of years either. No particular reason why, we just gradually grew apart.
AA was important in helping me to achieve sobriety, but the urgency to try to get sober is gone. After 10 years, sobriety is a lifestyle now. I won't ever become complacent, but I just don't feel the need to go to meetings right now. Everyone's needs are different, but this is what has worked for me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Originally Posted by Zebra1275
AA was important in helping me to achieve sobriety, but the urgency to try to get sober is gone. After 10 years, sobriety is a lifestyle now. I won't ever become complacent, but I just don't feel the need to go to meetings right now. Everyone's needs are different, but this is what has worked for me.
And then you get well. What then? Do you keep going back for something you don't need anymore? Should you go back and offer your service to others? I just wasn't very good at that. I offered and watched people fail, and it started to feel disheartening. But that was just part of it. I would have left anyway, because I had other things to do, and I was starting to feel restricted. When you go to a hospital, your goal is to get out. It was kind of like that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
Originally Posted by DriGuy
That seems so natural to me that it should be written down in a book. I agree that it's different for everyone, but your comment resonates. When I started in recovery, I was already at a place where I was all in. I wanted to get better so bad that I actually felt greedy. I sucked up information and advice like a sponge, and I filtered tons of it out like a sponge. I relished and wallowed in the flow of ideas and support coming my way. I had little to offer, but so much to learn that everything seemed one way... all coming at me. I was both grateful and a bit ashamed of feeling something like selfish. Give me more, gimme, gimme, gimme. Do others feel that? I don't know.
And then you get well. What then? Do you keep going back for something you don't need anymore? Should you go back and offer your service to others? I just wasn't very good at that. I offered and watched people fail, and it started to feel disheartening. But that was just part of it. I would have left anyway, because I had other things to do, and I was starting to feel restricted. When you go to a hospital, your goal is to get out. It was kind of like that.
And then you get well. What then? Do you keep going back for something you don't need anymore? Should you go back and offer your service to others? I just wasn't very good at that. I offered and watched people fail, and it started to feel disheartening. But that was just part of it. I would have left anyway, because I had other things to do, and I was starting to feel restricted. When you go to a hospital, your goal is to get out. It was kind of like that.
I guess I could leave knowing others won't, so there's always that comfort.
The way I've come to look at it is that it's circular.
A power greater than myself healed me, but he didn't just appear out of nowhere and slap the drink out of my hand and inject me with a dose anti -Alcoholism.
He had Messengers .... Now I am one.
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