Annoyed with being judged
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,594
Sweet dreams Manta. Dreams of sober.
As a mother find myself in agreement with Coz. When something is not right with our kids we often blame ourselves, and think we have failed you. Mother guilt sucks.
It's hard to watch our child drunk. Very disturbing. You certainly don't need to be judged, but try to see it from her side too. She is afraid for you Manta. She cares.
Hope you wake ready to greet the day sober.
As a mother find myself in agreement with Coz. When something is not right with our kids we often blame ourselves, and think we have failed you. Mother guilt sucks.
It's hard to watch our child drunk. Very disturbing. You certainly don't need to be judged, but try to see it from her side too. She is afraid for you Manta. She cares.
Hope you wake ready to greet the day sober.
Ocean Lover!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
I drank 2 bottles of red wine last night Dee, couldn’t bring myself to drink more as feel so ill so at least I know I won’t drink today. Sorry to everyone for being a drunken idiot, I am a horrible person when I drink.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
You are no worse than anyone else here Manta.
Fair enough you won;t want to drink again today - but you will want to again.
I hope you choose the hopeful new chapter over the continuation of the horror story.
I'd start making plans as soon as I felt able.
D
Fair enough you won;t want to drink again today - but you will want to again.
I hope you choose the hopeful new chapter over the continuation of the horror story.
I'd start making plans as soon as I felt able.
D
Ocean Lover!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
As for my mum. I get she’s disappointed as am I. I think what got me annoyed is that for the past 2 months I have been sliding and needed to not isolate etc. For the past 2 months she has not called me, checked or asked how I am, doesn’t visit, replies to texts a week after I sent them or no reply at all etc. In my drunken state I was blaming her as I felt if she had contacted me so I wasn’t alone with no-one to talk to I might not be drinking again. I also felt that as she hasn’t been in touch she had no right to be “disappointed” I had had a drink.
I know that is total rubbish and irrational and my fault I drank, not hers. Someone mentioned “looking for an argument” when drunk and they hit the nail on the head with that because I was with hindsight. I am such a horrible person when I drink, full of self pity throwing round accusations and blame. I hate being that person. x
I know that is total rubbish and irrational and my fault I drank, not hers. Someone mentioned “looking for an argument” when drunk and they hit the nail on the head with that because I was with hindsight. I am such a horrible person when I drink, full of self pity throwing round accusations and blame. I hate being that person. x
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
Probably best to stick to talking to people who understand what you are going through.
If she is like that with you, she is probably like that with everyone ... would that be fair to say ?
Try not to take it so personally, I know that is easier said than done.
Try saying to yourself "Ma, I forgive you, you don't know what you say has such an impact on me"
See how you feel about things after doing it. 😎
If she is like that with you, she is probably like that with everyone ... would that be fair to say ?
Try not to take it so personally, I know that is easier said than done.
Try saying to yourself "Ma, I forgive you, you don't know what you say has such an impact on me"
See how you feel about things after doing it. 😎
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
Hi Mantalady,
Just wanted to reassure you that you're not on your own. I'm in the UK too so in the same time zone - please feel free to message me whenever you need to talk.
I've been sober for over three years now and a big part of my sobriety has involved coming to terms with my relationship with my mother. I know nothing about your relationship with your mother but am just drawing on my experience to illustrate my point. Your relationship with your mother is probably very different to mine. When I was growing up, I always thought that mothers and daughters should have a relationship built on unconditional love but now I realise that isn't always the case. I've come to terms with the fact that my mother only ever contacts me when she wants something and she will never feel any emotional warmth towards me. It doesn't matter what I do, or what I achieve, she will never be proud of me. In her eyes, I will never be good enough. That's caused me a lot of pain over the years but now I've learnt to accept it. I will always be there for my mother when she needs me and I will always love her because she is my mother. However, I no longer expect anything from her. If she remembers my birthday one year and sends me a card, that's a lovely bonus. Sobriety has allowed me to let go of the pain and build strength within myself so that I no longer look for support from her. It's also enabled me to focus my efforts on the people who are there for me. With my children, I'm able to be the kind of mother I wanted. It's taken time but sobriety is without a doubt the best method I have found to heal these old, painful wounds.
Just wanted to share my experiences to reassure you that you're not on your own. Sending you lots of love and strength xxx
Just wanted to reassure you that you're not on your own. I'm in the UK too so in the same time zone - please feel free to message me whenever you need to talk.
I've been sober for over three years now and a big part of my sobriety has involved coming to terms with my relationship with my mother. I know nothing about your relationship with your mother but am just drawing on my experience to illustrate my point. Your relationship with your mother is probably very different to mine. When I was growing up, I always thought that mothers and daughters should have a relationship built on unconditional love but now I realise that isn't always the case. I've come to terms with the fact that my mother only ever contacts me when she wants something and she will never feel any emotional warmth towards me. It doesn't matter what I do, or what I achieve, she will never be proud of me. In her eyes, I will never be good enough. That's caused me a lot of pain over the years but now I've learnt to accept it. I will always be there for my mother when she needs me and I will always love her because she is my mother. However, I no longer expect anything from her. If she remembers my birthday one year and sends me a card, that's a lovely bonus. Sobriety has allowed me to let go of the pain and build strength within myself so that I no longer look for support from her. It's also enabled me to focus my efforts on the people who are there for me. With my children, I'm able to be the kind of mother I wanted. It's taken time but sobriety is without a doubt the best method I have found to heal these old, painful wounds.
Just wanted to share my experiences to reassure you that you're not on your own. Sending you lots of love and strength xxx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
I totally understand relapse regret and what you said about “slipping back” into drinking as that’s exactly what I did too the first 6 months of last year.
Now nearly 7 months sober again and I think the lesson of “moderation impossible” has finally, finally sunk in.
I was also feeling lonely and this time as part of my relapse recovery strategy, I reached out to a very old friend I’d lost touch with and also started going to yoga classes with intention to possibly connect with people there for other activities like their Buddhist reading group or even just walks around the lake.
As I work on building healthy sobriety and working to expand social opportunities I feel like I learned something about who I am and what I need to grow from the relapse. Don’t beat yourself up for it—use it to look deeper into what thriving vs. surviving might look like in your life.
Glad you’re back Manta
Now nearly 7 months sober again and I think the lesson of “moderation impossible” has finally, finally sunk in.
I was also feeling lonely and this time as part of my relapse recovery strategy, I reached out to a very old friend I’d lost touch with and also started going to yoga classes with intention to possibly connect with people there for other activities like their Buddhist reading group or even just walks around the lake.
As I work on building healthy sobriety and working to expand social opportunities I feel like I learned something about who I am and what I need to grow from the relapse. Don’t beat yourself up for it—use it to look deeper into what thriving vs. surviving might look like in your life.
Glad you’re back Manta
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Oh Manta, no apology necessary. We are all the same when we drink. Don't feel like the Lone Ranger sister. I hope you don't feel too awful today and can begin to heal. I'll be thinking about you and rooting for you today and in the coming days.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 7,061
Manta I know how you feel being alone/lonely and how that becomes even more difficult when times get tough. Sometimes all we want is a kind word...
After being let down in life so many times I try not to have any expectations of anyone or at least set my sights very low. I am not a healthy example though as I have more or less totally isolated so that no one can upset me anymore. In 10 years time I will probably be a mad recluse!
I don't know what the answer is but I do know drinking is just adding to your problems.
I remember last summer you went away and did a 10 mile beach walk. Could you do more stuff like that? You may not feel like it but you will certainly feel a sense of achievement and gratification at the end of the day when you climb in your bed exhausted.
Kind thoughts as always.
After being let down in life so many times I try not to have any expectations of anyone or at least set my sights very low. I am not a healthy example though as I have more or less totally isolated so that no one can upset me anymore. In 10 years time I will probably be a mad recluse!
I don't know what the answer is but I do know drinking is just adding to your problems.
I remember last summer you went away and did a 10 mile beach walk. Could you do more stuff like that? You may not feel like it but you will certainly feel a sense of achievement and gratification at the end of the day when you climb in your bed exhausted.
Kind thoughts as always.
Ocean Lover!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
Thanks everyone. Been asleep on the sofa all day, spoke to my mum and she was very fair, didn’t have a go at me. I was angry with her yesterday but that was nothing to do with why I drank. It was just something that happened while already drunk. Things have been going so well for me, new car, stable job and a promotion on the cards, nice home but I am just not happy, not deep in my core. On the outward surface I feel like I am faking it and as soon as I get home and are alone I feel empty and aimless, not depressed but not happy either. I feel monotone if that makes sense.
I am quite similar Kaily in that I have become a bit of a recluse / hermit for the same reasons and the dark days and horrible weather we have had all winter up north hasn’t helped any. Like you say Hawkeye, I need to start socialising and going to yoga or at least do something where I am around people instead of sitting home alone.
I am quite similar Kaily in that I have become a bit of a recluse / hermit for the same reasons and the dark days and horrible weather we have had all winter up north hasn’t helped any. Like you say Hawkeye, I need to start socialising and going to yoga or at least do something where I am around people instead of sitting home alone.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
I feel like an avatar most of the time Manta—like an instrument waiting for purpose and a player.
I’m sitting here looking at the lake after a long hike with my dogs and absolutely no people around me. I’m already rather a mad recluse as the dogs are perfect companions in the peaceful silence with no conversational work to attend to.
But I get what you’re saying. My life is the most prosperous I’ve ever been (Just got the big promotion, am sitting in a lovely house, yet I also have that monotone flat feeling much of the time).
I don’t know what the answer is, but it isn’t alcohol—that truth has finally soaked into my pea brain
I’m sitting here looking at the lake after a long hike with my dogs and absolutely no people around me. I’m already rather a mad recluse as the dogs are perfect companions in the peaceful silence with no conversational work to attend to.
But I get what you’re saying. My life is the most prosperous I’ve ever been (Just got the big promotion, am sitting in a lovely house, yet I also have that monotone flat feeling much of the time).
I don’t know what the answer is, but it isn’t alcohol—that truth has finally soaked into my pea brain
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,594
I started yoga a couple of months back but let it slip away.
I'm going to reintruce it as I have with going to the pool, which is only a 5 minute walk away. Big parklands and lots of trees. Umbrellas to sit under. I can read there. Sausage on a bun with tomato sauce.
I deny myself lots of things because I feel undeserving. I'm not going to do that anymore. Being sober has improved my self esteem a lot. Thanks everyone.
I hope you start to get out amongst it too Manta. It feels good.
I'm going to reintruce it as I have with going to the pool, which is only a 5 minute walk away. Big parklands and lots of trees. Umbrellas to sit under. I can read there. Sausage on a bun with tomato sauce.
I deny myself lots of things because I feel undeserving. I'm not going to do that anymore. Being sober has improved my self esteem a lot. Thanks everyone.
I hope you start to get out amongst it too Manta. It feels good.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Hi Manta, I've become somewhat of a recluse, since my relapse. Me, my dogs and animals, I was trying to frame it as a healing period, after I lost loved ones last year.
But the more I think about it, it's akin to wrapping myself in a comfort zone of knowness, which isn't comfortable, I want more, maybe some newness, if that makes sense.
Anyway, I'm late to your thread, but if you ever wish to speak to someone again, please PM me, I'm in the UK too, and can arrange to phone you.
But the more I think about it, it's akin to wrapping myself in a comfort zone of knowness, which isn't comfortable, I want more, maybe some newness, if that makes sense.
Anyway, I'm late to your thread, but if you ever wish to speak to someone again, please PM me, I'm in the UK too, and can arrange to phone you.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Hi Manta,
I hope you are feeling a bit better tonight. I'm also in the UK and have become isolated and reclusive in the dark winter. Drinking isn't helping at all - but as others have also said, I'm scared to come out of my comfort zone too. Today I did some things I wouldn't normally do-it was difficult but I feel better for it. I will get a long walk tomorrow. Can you get out and about- walk, run, yoga, anything that is different or even just fresh air.
Hope you feel better x
I hope you are feeling a bit better tonight. I'm also in the UK and have become isolated and reclusive in the dark winter. Drinking isn't helping at all - but as others have also said, I'm scared to come out of my comfort zone too. Today I did some things I wouldn't normally do-it was difficult but I feel better for it. I will get a long walk tomorrow. Can you get out and about- walk, run, yoga, anything that is different or even just fresh air.
Hope you feel better x
Ocean Lover!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
Thanks RAL, not feeling great but I’m sober so have to be grateful for that. If it’s not lashing down with rain again tomorrow I’ll try and get out for a long walk. I’ll have to force myself out of the door though as I just don’t want to do anything. It’s a viscous cycle, I am bored and a feeling lonely, but I don’t want to do anything or see people or go anywhere. Nothing is gonna change if I don’t change it so I guess I am just going to have to suck it up and put on my big girl pants and do something different. x
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I totally relate to how you feel. The thought of meeting and interacting with people and even going out fills me with dread. I go to work but love coming home. The strange thing is though that when I do go out and do something different, with others, it makes me feel better. Such a weird place to be. Once the clocks go forward it's like a switch flicks and it all seems so much better.
I hope you get a better day tomorrow,
I hope you get a better day tomorrow,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,097
Originally Posted by MantaLady 
I’ll have to force myself out of the door though as I just don’t want to do anything. It’s a viscous cycle, I am bored and a feeling lonely, but I don’t want to do anything or see people or go anywhere.
This is so me too. I only leave the house when I absolutely have to, and when here, I don't want to do anything (although there is lots to do).
It seems like agoraphobia is a common trait amongst drinkers. Hopefully it diminishes with increasing time of sobriety.
I am now making a list of all the things that I should/could do for the day and trying to get at least one or two of them done. Only on day 3, so not beating myself up if it doesn't happen, but it does seem to help me know that I can't claim boredom - just living in my lazy world.
Hope you get to go out for a walk - fresh air is great (albeit cold air for you)
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