Inability to share at AA
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
Inability to share at AA
Even when I have something to say, I can't bring myself to speak up at AA. Primarily because I don't want to come off as an ******* for talking about problems aren't even in the realm of the difficulties others are going through. Tonight is a great example:
The open discussion topic is about being around family during the holidays and their open drinking without sympathy to you. I have a small family, 2 of the 4 adults don't really drink, but everyone is supportive of me and won't drink around me. I can't share about anything after every other person just complained about their alcoholic family members getting **** faced at Christmas around them. Or how they were shunned from family festivities because of their past actions or the like.
As I routinely listen to those discuss problems so far beyond mine, I find it difficult to speak up without looking like a jerk. My life seems great in comparison and it puts some things in perspective for me, but at the same time I feel like I'm robbing myself of part of the benefits of a meeting because I'm worried about others feeling even shittier by my "lack of their problems"...
Thoughts? thanks folks
The open discussion topic is about being around family during the holidays and their open drinking without sympathy to you. I have a small family, 2 of the 4 adults don't really drink, but everyone is supportive of me and won't drink around me. I can't share about anything after every other person just complained about their alcoholic family members getting **** faced at Christmas around them. Or how they were shunned from family festivities because of their past actions or the like.
As I routinely listen to those discuss problems so far beyond mine, I find it difficult to speak up without looking like a jerk. My life seems great in comparison and it puts some things in perspective for me, but at the same time I feel like I'm robbing myself of part of the benefits of a meeting because I'm worried about others feeling even shittier by my "lack of their problems"...
Thoughts? thanks folks
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Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
I'd say get out of open discussion meetings full stop.
IME they do nothing to help with a solution, mood, changing behaviour, changing thinking or recovery from alcoholism in general.
Mostly it's a pity party.
I fell in that trap years ago in AA.
YMMV but try a few literature based meetings focused on recovery and the steps.
IME they do nothing to help with a solution, mood, changing behaviour, changing thinking or recovery from alcoholism in general.
Mostly it's a pity party.
I fell in that trap years ago in AA.
YMMV but try a few literature based meetings focused on recovery and the steps.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
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Originally Posted by Derringer 
I'd say get out of open discussion meetings full stop.
IME they do nothing to help with a solution, mood, changing behaviour, changing thinking or recovery from alcoholism in general.
Mostly it's a pity party.
I fell in that trap years ago in AA.
YMMV but try a few literature based meetings focused on recovery and the steps.
IME they do nothing to help with a solution, mood, changing behaviour, changing thinking or recovery from alcoholism in general.
Mostly it's a pity party.
I fell in that trap years ago in AA.
YMMV but try a few literature based meetings focused on recovery and the steps.
In general I like this group because it's mostly younger people. Most AA meetings I'm 20+ years than basically everyone (and I'm 39). It's nice to be around people closer to my age that aren't drinking lol.
But I do agree those type of meetings don't do anything for my sobriety other than getting me out of the house and socializing.
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Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
I get where you are coming from about the offload aspect.
just my experience, but I had to make a call about how I was going to spend my time in AA.... Do I want to be lending a sympathetic ear in a discussion meeting or do I want to be going after the best recovery I can possibly manifest.
When the sobriety tests come and they most assuredly will, can I stand firm on a solid foundation of personal recovery or have I got not much except a head full of other peoples problems ?
just my experience, but I had to make a call about how I was going to spend my time in AA.... Do I want to be lending a sympathetic ear in a discussion meeting or do I want to be going after the best recovery I can possibly manifest.
When the sobriety tests come and they most assuredly will, can I stand firm on a solid foundation of personal recovery or have I got not much except a head full of other peoples problems ?
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
Originally Posted by ciowa
Abgator, its good to try out different options to see what can work for you. Are there reasons you feel that others would get upset if you were to speak about your own experiences in the meetings?
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Originally Posted by Derringer
Do I want to be lending a sympathetic ear in a discussion meeting or do I want to be going after the best recovery I can possibly manifest.
AA member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 872
There are the sharers in AA and there are the listeners.
I wouldn’t worry about it one bit,have you got a sponsor to share these things with on a one to one basis?
I was a shy sharer in the beginning of my recovery,it got better over time.
Wishing you well.
I wouldn’t worry about it one bit,have you got a sponsor to share these things with on a one to one basis?
I was a shy sharer in the beginning of my recovery,it got better over time.
Wishing you well.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
There is no rule that says you have to be at least as miserable as everyone else in the room to share in AA. 
You know, there's this weird "My life is crappier than yours" thing that sometimes gets going in groups, particularly with younger people. Maybe if you shared your good stuff, you might shake things up a bit, break the pattern, and just possibly help someone else to also focus on something positive?
Who picks the topic? Maybe you could suggest gratitude be the topic from time to time?
Just an idea.
In any event, I don't think you should be self-censoring.
Doesn't that chip say "To thine own self be true?"
Of course it does!
O
You know, there's this weird "My life is crappier than yours" thing that sometimes gets going in groups, particularly with younger people. Maybe if you shared your good stuff, you might shake things up a bit, break the pattern, and just possibly help someone else to also focus on something positive?
Who picks the topic? Maybe you could suggest gratitude be the topic from time to time?
Just an idea.
In any event, I don't think you should be self-censoring.
Doesn't that chip say "To thine own self be true?"
Of course it does!
O
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi abgator,
Are you willing to share at meetings? Sometimes it's simply willingness and then allowing it to happen if it's meant to be. No need to overthink it. There's a difference between wanting to say something and being willing. Honest, open and willing. This stuff doesn't come all at once. There's a progression to this process.
You share here and you're going to AA meetings. Beautiful things.
Easy does it.
One day at a time.
More will be revealed.
It took what it took for me to start identifying with other people and to find my voice. Often simply showing up and listening can be "being of service to others".
My 12 step recovery program naturally changes a bit as I grow. Good things with where I was in starting recovery, where I am now and where I'm going.
Are you willing to share at meetings? Sometimes it's simply willingness and then allowing it to happen if it's meant to be. No need to overthink it. There's a difference between wanting to say something and being willing. Honest, open and willing. This stuff doesn't come all at once. There's a progression to this process.
You share here and you're going to AA meetings. Beautiful things.
Easy does it.
One day at a time.
More will be revealed.
It took what it took for me to start identifying with other people and to find my voice. Often simply showing up and listening can be "being of service to others".
My 12 step recovery program naturally changes a bit as I grow. Good things with where I was in starting recovery, where I am now and where I'm going.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Oakland
Posts: 561
I used to think it was pointless to share but I realize (after a friend encouraged me) that sharing is being vulnerable and it allows people to get to know you. You can just say, "I don't have anything on the topic but I just wanted to check in and say hello"
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 625
What is it that you are wanting/needing from the meetings or from the other participants? You mentioned that things are going pretty well for you, and yet you attend. What do you need for your own recovery? Can these people and this AA setting help, or, something else?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
My AA group had a mix of meeting formats:
Discussion meetings
Open topic meetings
Speaker meetings
Step study
Big Book study
Certain meetings are more important to some people, while of lesser importance to others. I found Open Discussion to be the most helpful. My sponsor was a speaker meeting advocate. Study meetings were of interest to me only in that they generated discussion, often of a tangential nature.
But I strongly disagree that your issues are not important. It's not a contest to have the most horrid circumstances. The whole thing is about helping, and I think you will be surprised at the help that is out there.
Discussion meetings
Open topic meetings
Speaker meetings
Step study
Big Book study
Certain meetings are more important to some people, while of lesser importance to others. I found Open Discussion to be the most helpful. My sponsor was a speaker meeting advocate. Study meetings were of interest to me only in that they generated discussion, often of a tangential nature.
But I strongly disagree that your issues are not important. It's not a contest to have the most horrid circumstances. The whole thing is about helping, and I think you will be surprised at the help that is out there.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Abgator, I think you should try trusting the folks at your meetings. I'd lay a healthy bet that you will not be judged about the "size" of your problems and that you will find nothing but sympathetic ears. Give it a try and trust.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
Originally Posted by JK130
What is it that you are wanting/needing from the meetings or from the other participants? You mentioned that things are going pretty well for you, and yet you attend. What do you need for your own recovery? Can these people and this AA setting help, or, something else?
I'm a slightly different case though. I don't struggle with day to day drinking. Staying sober is easy for me until I have a panic attack that I can't control and it goes on for hours. At that point, it's a bullet to the brain or drinking. Unfortunately, once I start, it's a week long binge in insane quantities. If I can control or manage the panic attacks better, I can easily control the drinking.
Only recently has a therapist finally dug deep enough to uncover some PTSD issues (an event where I know my anxiety started) that I've mostly blacked out. Hopefully this resolves itself when I start a PTSD treatment this coming Friday called EMDR. It's been highly successful treating war vets of PTSD, so I'm hopeful it sets me on the right course.
So I guess things like AA and church are my way of trying to better myself, smooth out the daily stresses to hopefully prevent future panic attacks and be more at peace. Although that would be a fools errand without the therapy and the treatment I'm about to begin.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by DriGuy
My AA group had a mix of meeting formats:
Discussion meetings
Open topic meetings
Speaker meetings
Step study
Big Book study
Certain meetings are more important to some people, while of lesser importance to others. I found Open Discussion to be the most helpful. My sponsor was a speaker meeting advocate. Study meetings were of interest to me only in that they generated discussion, often of a tangential nature.
But I strongly disagree that your issues are not important. It's not a contest to have the most horrid circumstances. The whole thing is about helping, and I think you will be surprised at the help that is out there.
Discussion meetings
Open topic meetings
Speaker meetings
Step study
Big Book study
Certain meetings are more important to some people, while of lesser importance to others. I found Open Discussion to be the most helpful. My sponsor was a speaker meeting advocate. Study meetings were of interest to me only in that they generated discussion, often of a tangential nature.
But I strongly disagree that your issues are not important. It's not a contest to have the most horrid circumstances. The whole thing is about helping, and I think you will be surprised at the help that is out there.
I prefer OD. I dislike Women's Only. I only occasionally want to go to a Speaker mtg. And so on.
IMO, it's service to others to both share and not to share. Sometimes, just being another person in the room helps the person who feels the loneliest. Other times, even when it seems like your problems are way first world compared to others, speaking up when something connects with you on the topic is helpful to...you, to someone who just spoke, to another person who might not.
I have to remember that "it's not about me" - ie, I don't really know what others are thinking, even those who always 'seem' to be living in gratitude and talking about it, or those who always have the same (awful) story or.....
Ultimately, abgator- I think it's about the makeup of the meeting and how it's run, not the type of meeting per se. Sometimes I just need a meeting and any kind will do and that's what I am meant to do- other times, I can go to one where I feel most comfortable speaking and have friends.
These are good shares here (!) and I think just keeping in touch with what's going on with you, and a sensitivity to others is a great way to go.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
abgator, small world. I've just realized that my last relapse, and likely most if not all of those over the past several years, were also ptsd-related. I also intend to start EMDR as soon as possible.
In the meantime, though, I've realized that if anything is troubling me, I need to speak about/write about it. I've done so here, in AA meetings, with my sponsor, and with people who love me IRL. It's kind of amazing to notice how many things provoke anxiety for me. I think I was doing a passable job of suppressing - until I wasn't.
All of which is to say, I think you might have more to talk about in meetings than you're giving yourself permission for. Maybe like me, something sometimes is really bugging you but you don't know why. You can talk about that. Maybe like me, you just figured something out because your therapist helped you unearth that old trauma. You can talk about that.
A guy came to a meeting Christmas night and said, "I really didn't feel like being around people, so that was the first reason I knew I should be here. But when I realized someone else might need me to be here, that sealed the deal." You might not feel like you need to share, but someone else might need to hear what you have to say.
I know I'm kind of repeating myself with that last sentence. Maybe somebody needs to hear it.
O
In the meantime, though, I've realized that if anything is troubling me, I need to speak about/write about it. I've done so here, in AA meetings, with my sponsor, and with people who love me IRL. It's kind of amazing to notice how many things provoke anxiety for me. I think I was doing a passable job of suppressing - until I wasn't.
All of which is to say, I think you might have more to talk about in meetings than you're giving yourself permission for. Maybe like me, something sometimes is really bugging you but you don't know why. You can talk about that. Maybe like me, you just figured something out because your therapist helped you unearth that old trauma. You can talk about that.
A guy came to a meeting Christmas night and said, "I really didn't feel like being around people, so that was the first reason I knew I should be here. But when I realized someone else might need me to be here, that sealed the deal." You might not feel like you need to share, but someone else might need to hear what you have to say.
I know I'm kind of repeating myself with that last sentence. Maybe somebody needs to hear it.
O
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
please remember that no one HAS to share at a meeting....ever. it's ok to say "i'd just like to listen today, thank you."
when we share at meetings, we aren't entering into a discussion, nor responding to the last person's share, nor trying to compete for best share. we simply speak from the heart. with the topic as it applies to US, as if no one else had spoken.
i'm kind of a blabber mouth, so i never had a problem is starting a share, i just struggled with how to wrap it up nicely.
we hear the message. we speak our truth. we work the steps.
when we share at meetings, we aren't entering into a discussion, nor responding to the last person's share, nor trying to compete for best share. we simply speak from the heart. with the topic as it applies to US, as if no one else had spoken.
i'm kind of a blabber mouth, so i never had a problem is starting a share, i just struggled with how to wrap it up nicely.
we hear the message. we speak our truth. we work the steps.
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