ciowa

Itsmaria,

The decision to quit or not is solely up to you. There are various options out there to quit but none of them will do much for recovery if you do not want to quit. They might help you abstain for a short period of time but thats probably it.

I was a functioning binge drinker who tried to work around my binges but eventually I lost control and had to concede that I could not control my drinking no matter what kind of rules and strategies I tried to put in place. Alcohol addiction gets worse every time you drink and I don't mean that you necessarily drink more each time. What I mean is that your bodies addiction gets worse and will continue to do so even if you try to rationalize that you are in control.

When I was trying to control my drinking what I was really trying to do was to minimize the consequences of my out of control drinking. My drinking was beginning to impact my body, my mind and my social world but I still wouldn't give it up until I reached the point thatI could no longer manage it.

All the recovery tools like AA, outpatient therapy etc were new to me when I started but I went to them to learn how to start the recovery process and I've learned a lot.

Good luck to you.

NicLin

Hello!

I was also scared of meetings and AA, until I walked in. I was so welcomed that it blew me away. Also, this is a spiritual program of action, not a religious one. I thought the same until I heard, "The God of your understanding." You don't have to pick one at all, you can AA itself your Higher Power. You don't even need to believe in anything but the fact that you are done drinking and suffering.
I went in willing and ready to meet people and it saved me in so many ways.

I would recommend starting with Women's meetings. There is something really special, vulnerable and open about them. You can also say, that you are new and seeing what it is all about and that you don't know anyone. Women will surround you with a level of nurturing that will astound you. Be open minded to it.

Also, I would get the Big Book and read:
The Doctor's opinion and then read 'Chapter to the Agnostics"
You will see that this program is not about religion. It is just about having faith and being willing to believe that your own thinking has stopped working for you, that there is something greater than you than can help you.
This comes with meeting other alcoholics, fellowshipping, doing service and getting a sponsor and working the steps.

I am in no way saying this is the miracle for everyone and that it works for everyone, but solely speaking from my own experience, it is the most beautiful and important thing in my life today. I LOVE AA.

August252015

Just a gentle note from me....it would have been totally overwhelming to me to consider multiple routes when I decided to quit drinking. Opting for ONE, as itsmaria specifically asked about, was a great idea for me - gradually, I have learned about a lot more than AA, but muddling the issue, if you will, would have kept me postponing the real point: I had to quit, and needed help.

One other thought I had recently, bc people keep mentioning "religious" here. I don't know whether anyone is saying "God" (typically interpreted as Christian, maybe Jewish, IME) or... "god." Whatever it means to anyone. To me, that points at the spiritual - not religious- basis of the program. Peacing out on this aspect as y'all know my thoughts

How's it going today itsmaria?

Derringer

You have to participate and cooperate in your own recovery.

Don't underestimate this.

sugarbear1

While working those steps, I found that fear ruled my life. Of course I was scared! I was actually scared of many things!!

Getting sober and working through those steps was the only thing that helped me to stop drinking, then I added Sober Recovery (this site) and I used Women for Sobriety and AA.......(I had spent 25+ years fighting with my alcoholism). I hope you don't make the same mistake and wait to recover fully! Get sober NOW

Walk through this fear and save your life. You are walking into a room full of people like YOU

itsmaria

Thank you for all the help and suggestions. I'm making a list of potential meetings, both AA and SMART. It's a good idea to try a few. It will just take me a while to build up the courage. I will keep you all updated for sure.

I know it's ultimately up to me. I've had a lot of struggles in my life- grew up with a lot of abuse and neglect and spent my late teens/early 20s in an outpatient mental health program for people with complex PTSD and some other serious disorders. I had pretty much given up on my life before that and wasn't functioning, in and out of the hospital. Not due to alcohol but other behaviours.

I got support, therapy and it was the hardest thing I ever did but I turned my life around, started learning how to take care of myself. Step by step, went back to school, started odd jobs. Eventually got 2 degrees and supported myself. Unfortunately along the way I had to cut ties with most of my family, because they are/were abusive or blamed me for it. But I had to choose myself and my life. even though it hurt.

So I know with the drinking- it is up to me, but I also know support and a community along the way can make all the difference. A lot of the reasons I drink are the same reasons I had problems when I was younger. It's all rooted in trauma. So I have quite a battle going on inside me.

Last night I went for a walk with my hiking group and it was good and I made it through the night

Thanks so much for all the suggestions and descriptions of the meetings. I'm moving like a turtle but hopefully I'm getting there.

August252015

You can do it! It meaning get sober, whatever method - glad you are here.

SoberCAH

It sounds like you're making progress.

For me, getting sober involved making sacrifices (alcohol and friends) and getting out of my historical comfort zone (which was bars and taverns).

I had to actually make changes.

In AA, we talk about honesty, open-mindedness and willingness.

I remember seeing "AA Meetings" in church brochures when I was young and it certainly had a rather ominous appearance to me.

I went to my first AA meeting when I was still in detox at the treatment center I attended.

And I just kept going and going, making many, many good friends along the way.

I couldn't imagine life without AA for me.

I would be open-minded about the God aspect of AA.

We have people of all religions in AA and quite a few of no religion or beliefs whatsoever.

We just want to help you - not inculcate you with religiosity.

I hope you come see us and stick around, also here on SR.

Dee74

hows it going itsmaria?

D

benitoD

I share your thoughts about AA. I am very much an ardent atheist and would never associate myself with a group that talks about a 'higher power, god or whatever'.

The good news is that there are many secular alternatives to AA. In a city like Toronto there are bound to be many. I can't tell you any firsthand experience, because I also hate meetings and have very little use for people, but I know those meetings exist. Just google 'Secular AA meetings Toronto' or something like that, and I'm sure you'll find something. Good luck.

PS: I think no matter what, it's time for you to take an extended period of time off. For most of us, that is the rest of our lives. Your body will probably tell you after a sober year, whether you're someone that can ever drink responsibly. I know a few people who have successfully done that, but for most of us, including me I'm afraid, that ship has sailed. Admitting that to yourself and letting go is the hard part.

shortstop81

Hi itsmaria - what area of Toronto are you in? If you're in Etobicoke I can recommend some good groups. There are SMART meetings in Toronto but only in a few locations last time I checked (mainly downtown).

When I started AA the higher power aspect was foreign to me. But AA stressed to me that any higher power would be one of my OWN choosing, and didn't put on any kind of pressure to believe in a Christian God. I am an agnostic (who leans towards being an atheist lol) and ultimately this aspect didn't bother me so much.

More importantly, AA for me was about the community and support. As a newcomer you can listen without being expected to speak. Open meetings are a good start. You will likely be greeted by many people who will introduce themselves and welcome you warmly.

Let us know how you're getting on!

Dee74

I would think all these groups are in Canada too

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...formation.html (Recovery Programs and Resources Information)

ThatWasTheOldMe

The problem here is that something has to give.
Your body can only process so much alcohol. If you are unable to moderate and you keep drinking, eventually you will develop health problems that render metabolism of alcohol impossible.

It could be liver cirrhosis, chronic pancreatitis, various different cancers, etc. The symptoms of end stage alcoholism will put you in the hospital and likely keep you there. It's one of the worst ways to die.

A lot of people here will tell you that reservations about stopping during the early days are normal - but they eventually go away. And if I'm honest with you, the worst parts of my adult life have been when I'm drinking - because alcohol is makes depression and anxiety worse; in fact, it often causes depression and anxiety. It is one of the worst drugs for anyone with brain chemistry that isn't quite right in the first place.

DriGuy

This is so true and bears repeating. Actually, you're whole post is worth repeating, but that when I read that sentence, I want to jump up and shout out, "Yes!"

August252015

I give a resounding YES to that too!!!

In fact, I wouldn't trade my life now for a single day drinking. And I'm not even having a very good day. But now, it's first world problems ... like an annual physical where making sure my thyroid is OK is the biggest issue - not liver panels showing the brink of cirrhosis, for example.

And I love what I heard someone say early on- replace "can't" with "get."
I can't drink ---> I GET to do everything else.
That switch works in just about every sentence and scenario I've tried it out on....

Auchieshuggle

I was just wondering, has your liver fully recovered?

August252015

Miraculously, it did. It's unbelievable that I didn't cross the line into cirrhosis. By around 100 days when I got the panels retested, they were smack in the middle of normal.

I actually had my annual physical today and it was cool not to have any reason to see about updated tests! I think they'll be included with all blood work, but I'm more interested in a couple other and less critical things

I have a pretty sweet deal to be 43, headed to 4 yr sober, and just have thyroid med to stay on, need to wear glasses most of the time now, and recent back surgery. Throw in a few mental health meds that help me, and some teeth that could use that expensive white smile treatment and that's my package!

My journey and hearing that I had a yr, 18 mo if I kept going, and it FINALLY hitting home, is why I always say that we don't get infinite chances and also why I know I don't have another one in me. Not to live, and certainly not to have the life I do now.

Auchieshuggle

That's great! I'm so pleased for you, and it's wonderful that you remain on here as an example to others. I'm sure someone will read your testimony. even of they never actually register on the site, and be influenced to change their ways as a result.

You mentioned mental health meds - I'm considering taking an SSRI now, my GP thinks it might be a good idea but I've heard some horror stories and I'm frightened of them.

August252015

Auch - PM me if you want to discuss, or let's do on another thread - I don't want to hijack this one with all my thoughts on this

But I am indeed a proponent of meds if they are the right approach, directed by a good psychiatrist (with addiction knowledge in my case)and ongoing discussion/supervision.