AwkwardKitty

It's been a while since I've been here. My drinking is getting progressively worse.. I'm bingeing 2-3 times a week but it's creeping in more and more.

I have woken up this morning feeling terrible. Last night my son was unwell and I took care of him, but all the time I was thinking I wanted to drink tonight and having cravings. Once he settled I went to buy beer and got drunk (my husband was here btw and not drinking). I know I prioritised alcohol over my son last night... I am trying to deny / justify that in my mind but I needed to write it down and come and post here. This is not who I am, it's not who I want to be. I feel angry and ashamed and I needed to face up to it.

I need help, I so desperately need help.

Dee74

Welcome back AwkwardKitty

Sounds like things are pretty grim - I remember by the end of my drinking i was increasingly someone I did not want to be.

Its clear you want to stop - how do you think you might do that?
what are you prepared to do this time you migh not have een prepared to do previously?

what about joining the November support thread for a start?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rt-2-a-19.html

D

SoberRican

Sounds like its time to take action my friend. Surrender. Its a good option. One day at a time. ✌

wildflower70

Hello AK,

I can remember so many times when alcohol was the priority. I got to the point where I didn't want to do anything without it. When I was at work, all I could think about was getting home to my fix....
I was a full blown alcoholic for most of my life (I'm 49)

It's a terrible way to live, and I was just like you, desperate to get help.
So, I looked in the mirror and told myself, "It's time to pay the piper" I knew I had to stop, no matter what. I wrote down a list of reasons to quit and posted it on my fridge.

One day at a time, I just didn't drink. In the beginning I did whatever it took. I ate what I wanted, slept when I wanted, stayed home and binged watched movies, all day long. I didn't go any place where people would be drinking. I still haven't, 14 months into sobriety.

It's time to pay the piper. Once you cross that invisible line into problem drinking, it never gets better. I went through so many disasters in my drinking career. Lost jobs, kids, relationships, my freedom, and damn near lost my life. Don't go that route.

The time is now, the piper is calling.

ShiftHappens

This is the point when I threw in the towel.

Alcohol had become a priority and was taking over.

I couldnt even believe it had happened but I couldnt drink that trash anymore.

Dont get me wrong, my life is not where I would like it to be and frankly there are days I struggle and wonder if life is even worth living.

But no more of that trash.

Goes nowhere, costs money, never ending bottomless pit and it just goes on and on.

For me probably just a bad choice of distraction from what was really bothering me.

If I focus on the alcohol I dont have to look in the mirror and make true changes.

Not feeling great but I wont drink alcohol.

I get paid on Friday and its a relief to not care about running out to pour that crap into my mouth.

i spend my money on 700.00 Dyson vacuums and a gold locket to hold some of my dogs hair.

Warning: if you buy a Dyson Torque drive cordless you will never use another vacuum again.

just break the cycle.

Focus on your values and priorites.

Anna

Kitty, alcoholism turns us into people we don't like and eventually hate. And, that's how the disease keeps us hooked. The worse we feel about ourselves, the more likely we are to turn to alcohol.

You can be the mother and the person that you want to be. We are here to offer support.

AwkwardKitty

It is time..

I'm scared...

I don't know where to start...

I know I am better than this. I can be better, I have been better.

CRRHCC

Read the book the Freedom Model.

If you think about it, you can't get addicted, to a substance, unless you have learned the drug helps you do something. Feeling compelled to use a drug (or any compulsive behavior) arises from important reasons inside people, not from an inanimate bottle or substance!​ ​If you did not learn that alcohol makes you feel a certain way, you would not know what to buy! Addictive behaviors are never random, there is always a reason and a reward. There is always a, "Trigger-Behavior-Reward-Repeat." In the final analysis, if you truly don't want to do something, then you won't do it! You are driven to always pursue happiness (reward), everyone is. The only way you will stop desiring heavy substances and change your behavior is by seeing more happiness in the change, than in the using. We stop abusing substances and other behaviors, when we decide (reason) abusing is not the best option for our happiness. ​You must reach that conclusion yourself because, as Aristotle said, “We desire in accordance with our deliberation.​"

ShiftHappens

CRRHCC you nailed it. At least in my case.

I think Something in me finally clicked and now I associate it with misery instead of relief.

ScottFromWI

You've already started by coming here and asking for help AkwardKitty You've also already acknowledged the problem. Those are big steps toward a solution.

I did a lot of shameful and selfish things when I was drinking too, we all did. While it's important to recognize that, what's even more important is your actions today. A simple one is to make a pledge/committment to not drink today, no matter what. It doesn't have to be any more complicated - bad things will always happen when you drink, so not drinking is the solution.

Another thing you could do is spend time here reading or maybe even got to a live support group meeting. Being around others who have the same goal can be very helpful. It can also be invaluable to be around people who understand your struggles.

letsdance

Its okay, I been there too. It tears me up to think i put my drinking before my son. At least your husband was sober. We all make mistakes. I tottally understand how your feeling right now.

Houstin

ciowa

You are right in that "this is not who you are" and its more like "this is who we become" when we addiction becomes so strong and overpowering. If you've been drinking consistently then you are likely sleep deprived, physically/emotinoally/mentally out of balance, etc so the decisions you make under addiction are not the same ones you will make when you are in recovery. You can become the person you were before and there are different paths that are available that are being shared here. I wish you well.

D122y

Besides getting close to dieing and destroying my life, I needed something to replace the euphoria booze gave me.

I did grappling initially, then switched to running and weight lifting.

That gave me natural dopamine and another reason, besides the miriad of others, to change my life style.

I basically decided I was a non drinker.

Thanks.

CRRHCC

Exactly. We learn early on that getting drunk makes us happier in the short term and use that template for reasons to drink! Duh, there are other options and those options (abstain or moderate) can actually make us happier in the long run.

Speaking for myself, I have been like an infant seeking immediate gratification most of my life. I expected life to meet my demands!
As an adult I am learning to meet the demands of life, just the opposite. About time, lol.

ShiftHappens

Yes. We're on the same page I think.

Im very glad they now use alcohol use disorder.

There are so many different people with different backgrounds, needs, mindsets, etc.

Im glad something has finally made sense and is working for me.

People shouldnt be lumped into one category.

Dee74

Hows it going Kitty?

Don't deliberate too long on where to start - just start by not drinking and let the rest follow.
D

wildflower70

Please don't let fear hold you back. I know it's scary to let go of the one thing that gave us FALSE hope, FALSE promises and FALSE relief. Don't be afraid! Each day you make it without booze you will feel stronger and less fearful. Make today Day1...You CAN do this!!!

PhoenixJ

For me: willpower alone was no use. I needed (and still need) daily support to recharge the sober batteries. Meetings, GP- for general health (and depression meds), psychologist, and most practical of all- SR. Lots of threads in the newcomers to join. Lots of very useful info and inspiring stories.

Well done for posting.
My prayers and support to you.