Denial
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 13
Denial
Hi there,
It seems like every time I wake up with a hangover, that's the only time I feel as though I have a problem. Once I start to feel better, I say "what problem?" I always come up with an excuse or make an adjustment. If I don't do shots, I'll be fine. If I drink one beer an hour, I'll remember everything. If I only drink on special occasions, that'll stop me from drinking twice a week.
I've always thought I wasn't an alcoholic because my perception of an alcoholic is one who drinks everyday or needs it to function. I'm realizing that that's when you hit the bottom. What I do now is still alcoholism, but the beginning. It's not about how much I drink, but the things I do when drunk.
I've done quite a few questionable things: Meeting strangers while partying and going back to their apartment to party more. Wandering out of a bar, too drunk to function, so deciding to sit on the sidewalk until my boyfriend picked me up. Driving while buzzed many times, etc... these things may not sound horrible, but when sober, I'm a very careful person. I'm a different person when drunk even though that's when I think I'm most normal. You would think that after all the debilitating anxious/depressed hangovers, I'd stop. I've been willing to pay that price for just a few hours of "feeling normal."
I thought I'd join the site because I want a place I can turn to when feeling weak or making my "excuses" as to why I can drink again 🙄
It seems like every time I wake up with a hangover, that's the only time I feel as though I have a problem. Once I start to feel better, I say "what problem?" I always come up with an excuse or make an adjustment. If I don't do shots, I'll be fine. If I drink one beer an hour, I'll remember everything. If I only drink on special occasions, that'll stop me from drinking twice a week.
I've always thought I wasn't an alcoholic because my perception of an alcoholic is one who drinks everyday or needs it to function. I'm realizing that that's when you hit the bottom. What I do now is still alcoholism, but the beginning. It's not about how much I drink, but the things I do when drunk.
I've done quite a few questionable things: Meeting strangers while partying and going back to their apartment to party more. Wandering out of a bar, too drunk to function, so deciding to sit on the sidewalk until my boyfriend picked me up. Driving while buzzed many times, etc... these things may not sound horrible, but when sober, I'm a very careful person. I'm a different person when drunk even though that's when I think I'm most normal. You would think that after all the debilitating anxious/depressed hangovers, I'd stop. I've been willing to pay that price for just a few hours of "feeling normal."
I thought I'd join the site because I want a place I can turn to when feeling weak or making my "excuses" as to why I can drink again 🙄
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,409
The sensation of feeling normal only when drinking is a massive symptom of alcoholism in my experience. You appear to have a lot of insight about your alcoholic condition. Indeed homeless drunks never start out that way but likely much like you describe. I know that’s where I’d have ended up if I hadn’t of gotten sober.
There is a solution; stay sober and get into recovery. There’s a great sober life available if you want it 🙏
There is a solution; stay sober and get into recovery. There’s a great sober life available if you want it 🙏
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Hello and welcome.
You have a great grasp of your drinking and it's effects on you.
Really, it's not how much we drink, it's how it effects us when we do drink.
I spent so many anxious and debilitating days trying to get back to where I could drink again, and thus begin the cycle again I couldn't even remember.
A lot.
I never tried to fool myself with thoughts of how I could drink safely. I am a drunk and I drank to get drunk. For many years.
Think I learned my lessen in those days? Nope I knew I was a drunk and I would continue to drink for years until I was drunk most every day.
But I was an alcoholic way before that. In fact, the first time I drank I drank like an alcoholic.
I finally sought help my drinking had become so bad. It took awhile, but it's working. I haven't had a drink in ten and a half years.
Please don't be the fool I am. Alcoholism is a chronic and progressing disease.
I'm one drink away from a drunk, and I just don't think I have it in me.
I Hope you can stop drinking before things get worse. And to be honest with you, the things you're doing while drunk are pretty bad. Take my word for it, it gets worse.
I hope you can quit before something bad happens or you hit the bottoms I did.
Best to you.
You have a great grasp of your drinking and it's effects on you.
Really, it's not how much we drink, it's how it effects us when we do drink.
I spent so many anxious and debilitating days trying to get back to where I could drink again, and thus begin the cycle again I couldn't even remember.
A lot.
I never tried to fool myself with thoughts of how I could drink safely. I am a drunk and I drank to get drunk. For many years.
Think I learned my lessen in those days? Nope I knew I was a drunk and I would continue to drink for years until I was drunk most every day.
But I was an alcoholic way before that. In fact, the first time I drank I drank like an alcoholic.
I finally sought help my drinking had become so bad. It took awhile, but it's working. I haven't had a drink in ten and a half years.
Please don't be the fool I am. Alcoholism is a chronic and progressing disease.
I'm one drink away from a drunk, and I just don't think I have it in me.
I Hope you can stop drinking before things get worse. And to be honest with you, the things you're doing while drunk are pretty bad. Take my word for it, it gets worse.
I hope you can quit before something bad happens or you hit the bottoms I did.
Best to you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 652
Welcome to the forum XOnedayatatimex.
My patterns were a lot like yours. On the outside, everything looked alright but on the inside the internal battles were hellish. The 3am anxiety, the bargaining, the attempts at control, swapping between different drinks because I only get out of control if I drink wine right? Or maybe it is just when I drink beer that I can't stop? Or perhaps if I intersperse each drink with a glass of water. Or maybe I won't drink when in company, so I will go out with my friends, stay sober all night and then come home and crack into the bottle of wine. I don't know about alcoholism as it is not a term I choose to use but I do know that there is something about my relationship with alcohol that means that it is not for me.
The more time I spend around here the more my denial comes down. I read things and I know people are speaking my truths. I also know that even when I first posted on this forum I wasn't honest about the nature of my drinking. I was so used to covering up that I still did it when I arrived to this board.
Some days I go back into denial and I only get through with gritted teeth but other days I know that I just can't drink. Days when I know that are really good. I appreciate the new me.
The thing is that no-one seeks out a forum like this if everything is hunky-dory. Stay close to this forum, it really does help.
My patterns were a lot like yours. On the outside, everything looked alright but on the inside the internal battles were hellish. The 3am anxiety, the bargaining, the attempts at control, swapping between different drinks because I only get out of control if I drink wine right? Or maybe it is just when I drink beer that I can't stop? Or perhaps if I intersperse each drink with a glass of water. Or maybe I won't drink when in company, so I will go out with my friends, stay sober all night and then come home and crack into the bottle of wine. I don't know about alcoholism as it is not a term I choose to use but I do know that there is something about my relationship with alcohol that means that it is not for me.
The more time I spend around here the more my denial comes down. I read things and I know people are speaking my truths. I also know that even when I first posted on this forum I wasn't honest about the nature of my drinking. I was so used to covering up that I still did it when I arrived to this board.
Some days I go back into denial and I only get through with gritted teeth but other days I know that I just can't drink. Days when I know that are really good. I appreciate the new me.
The thing is that no-one seeks out a forum like this if everything is hunky-dory. Stay close to this forum, it really does help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by Ghostlight1 
Hello and welcome.
You have a great grasp of your drinking and it's effects on you.
Really, it's not how much we drink, it's how it effects us when we do drink.
I spent so many anxious and debilitating days trying to get back to where I could drink again, and thus begin the cycle again I couldn't even remember.
A lot.
I never tried to fool myself with thoughts of how I could drink safely. I am a drunk and I drank to get drunk. For many years.
Think I learned my lessen in those days? Nope I knew I was a drunk and I would continue to drink for years until I was drunk most every day.
But I was an alcoholic way before that. In fact, the first time I drank I drank like an alcoholic.
I finally sought help my drinking had become so bad. It took awhile, but it's working. I haven't had a drink in ten and a half years.
Please don't be the fool I am. Alcoholism is a chronic and progressing disease.
I'm one drink away from a drunk, and I just don't think I have it in me.
I Hope you can stop drinking before things get worse. And to be honest with you, the things you're doing while drunk are pretty bad. Take my word for it, it gets worse.
I hope you can quit before something bad happens or you hit the bottoms I did.
Best to you.
You have a great grasp of your drinking and it's effects on you.
Really, it's not how much we drink, it's how it effects us when we do drink.
I spent so many anxious and debilitating days trying to get back to where I could drink again, and thus begin the cycle again I couldn't even remember.
A lot.
I never tried to fool myself with thoughts of how I could drink safely. I am a drunk and I drank to get drunk. For many years.
Think I learned my lessen in those days? Nope I knew I was a drunk and I would continue to drink for years until I was drunk most every day.
But I was an alcoholic way before that. In fact, the first time I drank I drank like an alcoholic.
I finally sought help my drinking had become so bad. It took awhile, but it's working. I haven't had a drink in ten and a half years.
Please don't be the fool I am. Alcoholism is a chronic and progressing disease.
I'm one drink away from a drunk, and I just don't think I have it in me.
I Hope you can stop drinking before things get worse. And to be honest with you, the things you're doing while drunk are pretty bad. Take my word for it, it gets worse.
I hope you can quit before something bad happens or you hit the bottoms I did.
Best to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by Lucinda2
Welcome to the forum XOnedayatatimex.
My patterns were a lot like yours. On the outside, everything looked alright but on the inside the internal battles were hellish. The 3am anxiety, the bargaining, the attempts at control, swapping between different drinks because I only get out of control if I drink wine right? Or maybe it is just when I drink beer that I can't stop? Or perhaps if I intersperse each drink with a glass of water. Or maybe I won't drink when in company, so I will go out with my friends, stay sober all night and then come home and crack into the bottle of wine. I don't know about alcoholism as it is not a term I choose to use but I do know that there is something about my relationship with alcohol that means that it is not for me.
The more time I spend around here the more my denial comes down. I read things and I know people are speaking my truths. I also know that even when I first posted on this forum I wasn't honest about the nature of my drinking. I was so used to covering up that I still did it when I arrived to this board.
Some days I go back into denial and I only get through with gritted teeth but other days I know that I just can't drink. Days when I know that are really good. I appreciate the new me.
The thing is that no-one seeks out a forum like this if everything is hunky-dory. Stay close to this forum, it really does help.
My patterns were a lot like yours. On the outside, everything looked alright but on the inside the internal battles were hellish. The 3am anxiety, the bargaining, the attempts at control, swapping between different drinks because I only get out of control if I drink wine right? Or maybe it is just when I drink beer that I can't stop? Or perhaps if I intersperse each drink with a glass of water. Or maybe I won't drink when in company, so I will go out with my friends, stay sober all night and then come home and crack into the bottle of wine. I don't know about alcoholism as it is not a term I choose to use but I do know that there is something about my relationship with alcohol that means that it is not for me.
The more time I spend around here the more my denial comes down. I read things and I know people are speaking my truths. I also know that even when I first posted on this forum I wasn't honest about the nature of my drinking. I was so used to covering up that I still did it when I arrived to this board.
Some days I go back into denial and I only get through with gritted teeth but other days I know that I just can't drink. Days when I know that are really good. I appreciate the new me.
The thing is that no-one seeks out a forum like this if everything is hunky-dory. Stay close to this forum, it really does help.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,327
Originally Posted by XOnedayatatimex
What I do now is still alcoholism, but the beginning.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,785
Welcome to the family. 
If you get sober now, you'll never again have to do or say things you would not normally do or say. Alcohol brings out the worst in us. 
I hope the support here can help you get sober for good.
If you get sober now, you'll never again have to do or say things you would not normally do or say. Alcohol brings out the worst in us. 
I hope the support here can help you get sober for good.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by least
Welcome to the family. If you get sober now, you'll never again have to do or say things you would not normally do or say. Alcohol brings out the worst in us.
I hope the support here can help you get sober for good.
If you get sober now, you'll never again have to do or say things you would not normally do or say. Alcohol brings out the worst in us. I hope the support here can help you get sober for good.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by Tetrax
I think you've hit the nail on the head there. Welcome to SR, also I'd suggest getting yourself to AA and/or SMART ASAP and don't look back
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
AA is a great idea. There's nothing to be afraid of. That's how I got sober. And I certainly had no self control.
That group dynamic of people being in a room, from all walks of life, is very powerful.
I hope you do give AA a shot. What have you got to lose?
That group dynamic of people being in a room, from all walks of life, is very powerful.
I hope you do give AA a shot. What have you got to lose?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Oakland
Posts: 561
Hey there. I totally feel you. There's such intense horrible alcoholism stories that it can be hard for someone with a job, for instance, to identify. The AA text does say that most important is that you ask yourself if you FEEL like the alcoholics telling the story. It also says that "those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not be completely honest with themselves." In your innermost heart, what do you know is true?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
A lot of good thoughts here. Now I was a daily drinker when I arrived here. I can remember day after day waking up each morning and saying to myself "today I am not going to drink" then as soon as I got home from work there I was drinking again.
I have seen comments like this in so many posts here over the years:
"I've always thought I wasn't an alcoholic because my perception of an alcoholic is one who drinks everyday or needs it to function."
The implication here is that as long as one is not a full blown "alcoholic" it's OK to keep drinking alcohol. Where did this idea come from? I do not know but I see it all the time. One of the things I have learned over the last few years is that one does not need to meet the full definition of "alcoholic" to benefit from sobriety.
The OP is not a daily drinker but recognizes that alcohol is not their friend. You my friend are wise to recognize your problems with alcohol before it gets worse.
I have seen comments like this in so many posts here over the years:
"I've always thought I wasn't an alcoholic because my perception of an alcoholic is one who drinks everyday or needs it to function."
The implication here is that as long as one is not a full blown "alcoholic" it's OK to keep drinking alcohol. Where did this idea come from? I do not know but I see it all the time. One of the things I have learned over the last few years is that one does not need to meet the full definition of "alcoholic" to benefit from sobriety.
The OP is not a daily drinker but recognizes that alcohol is not their friend. You my friend are wise to recognize your problems with alcohol before it gets worse.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
I found it a lot harder to rationalise my drinking wasn't really a problem when I saw my own story here in black and white, or saw it reflected in other posts.
I'm glad you've joined us XOnedayatatimex
welcome
D
I'm glad you've joined us XOnedayatatimex
welcome
D
Not Alone
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: South East UK
Posts: 1,513
Welcome,
The first paragraph of your post really reminded me of myself. I'd be sitting there at 5am, having not slept for 30 plus hours, trying to figure out if the flecks on the carpet were cocaine or dust. And I'd think to myself 'I have a problem'.
But, after a couple of hours sleep and something to eat I'd think I was fine again. Even though less than 12 hours earlier I was trying to snort random flecks of dust out of my carpet.
You don't have to be sleeping on a bench and begging for money to hit your rock bottom. Everyone has their own moment when they realise they have to change.
Natom.
The first paragraph of your post really reminded me of myself. I'd be sitting there at 5am, having not slept for 30 plus hours, trying to figure out if the flecks on the carpet were cocaine or dust. And I'd think to myself 'I have a problem'.
But, after a couple of hours sleep and something to eat I'd think I was fine again. Even though less than 12 hours earlier I was trying to snort random flecks of dust out of my carpet.
You don't have to be sleeping on a bench and begging for money to hit your rock bottom. Everyone has their own moment when they realise they have to change.
Natom.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by Pressmetilihurt
Hey there. I totally feel you. There's such intense horrible alcoholism stories that it can be hard for someone with a job, for instance, to identify. The AA text does say that most important is that you ask yourself if you FEEL like the alcoholics telling the story. It also says that "those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not be completely honest with themselves." In your innermost heart, what do you know is true?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by AAPJ
A lot of good thoughts here. Now I was a daily drinker when I arrived here. I can remember day after day waking up each morning and saying to myself "today I am not going to drink" then as soon as I got home from work there I was drinking again.
I have seen comments like this in so many posts here over the years:
"I've always thought I wasn't an alcoholic because my perception of an alcoholic is one who drinks everyday or needs it to function."
The implication here is that as long as one is not a full blown "alcoholic" it's OK to keep drinking alcohol. Where did this idea come from? I do not know but I see it all the time. One of the things I have learned over the last few years is that one does not need to meet the full definition of "alcoholic" to benefit from sobriety.
The OP is not a daily drinker but recognizes that alcohol is not their friend. You my friend are wise to recognize your problems with alcohol before it gets worse.
I have seen comments like this in so many posts here over the years:
"I've always thought I wasn't an alcoholic because my perception of an alcoholic is one who drinks everyday or needs it to function."
The implication here is that as long as one is not a full blown "alcoholic" it's OK to keep drinking alcohol. Where did this idea come from? I do not know but I see it all the time. One of the things I have learned over the last few years is that one does not need to meet the full definition of "alcoholic" to benefit from sobriety.
The OP is not a daily drinker but recognizes that alcohol is not their friend. You my friend are wise to recognize your problems with alcohol before it gets worse.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by Dee74
I found it a lot harder to rationalise my drinking wasn't really a problem when I saw my own story here in black and white, or saw it reflected in other posts.
I'm glad you've joined us XOnedayatatimex
welcome
D
I'm glad you've joined us XOnedayatatimex
welcome
D
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by Tetrax
I think you've hit the nail on the head there. Welcome to SR, also I'd suggest getting yourself to AA and/or SMART ASAP and don't look back
I'd also throw out the word "bargaining" for what you describe:
I only drink outside the house
I only drink beer
It's only when socializing at a party
I don't drink alone
And so on - there are endless ways we can bargain with ourselves about whether and what we do is "really" alcoholic behavior.
Glad you are here, and I hope you keep learning what alcoholism IS and ISN'T and decide on a plan to stop now - and find out what living in recovery is like. It's the best way possible to live my life.
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