Wife's cancer diagnosis
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 452
Wife's cancer diagnosis
Hi All,
I'm reaching out to see if anyone has had to support their spouse through cancer treatment, whilst in recovery?
My wife has been diagnosed with breast cancer and is starting chemotherapy next week. The diagnosis has come from out the blue and I'm feeling stunned and scared (but I am happy that they found it early).
I have 2 years sober (nearly) and I have had no thoughts about drinking but I worry about the difficult scenario coming up and how I will cope. I am determined not to drink and to be there 100% for my wife as she goes through this nightmare.
Thanks in advance for any advice
b0gler
I'm reaching out to see if anyone has had to support their spouse through cancer treatment, whilst in recovery?
My wife has been diagnosed with breast cancer and is starting chemotherapy next week. The diagnosis has come from out the blue and I'm feeling stunned and scared (but I am happy that they found it early).
I have 2 years sober (nearly) and I have had no thoughts about drinking but I worry about the difficult scenario coming up and how I will cope. I am determined not to drink and to be there 100% for my wife as she goes through this nightmare.
Thanks in advance for any advice
b0gler
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi b0gler
I'm really sorry for your wifes diagnosis but I agree its good they've caught it early.
No direct experience but I was glad to be sober a few years back when one of my mates was diagnosed with completely undetected stage 4 melanoma.
It was too late for him, sadly, but he put up a great fight and I will always feel honoured and privileged to have been there, present and sober, to help and his family in whatever way I could.
I spent many decades running away into a bottle - I couldn't run away from this and leave someone I loved behind.
It was tough at times, but far tougher for my mate his family, and and his new wife.
I wish all the best for you and your wife in this - and a complete recovery
D
I'm really sorry for your wifes diagnosis but I agree its good they've caught it early.
No direct experience but I was glad to be sober a few years back when one of my mates was diagnosed with completely undetected stage 4 melanoma.
It was too late for him, sadly, but he put up a great fight and I will always feel honoured and privileged to have been there, present and sober, to help and his family in whatever way I could.
I spent many decades running away into a bottle - I couldn't run away from this and leave someone I loved behind.
It was tough at times, but far tougher for my mate his family, and and his new wife.
I wish all the best for you and your wife in this - and a complete recovery
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 7,061
I am so sorry for what you and your wife are going through.
Different scenario entirely but when my Dad was critically ill a few months I was able to be there for him and help him through. I couldn't of done that if I had still been drinking. Something to be grateful for.
Difficult times ahead b0gler but you will be strong I'm sure.
Thinking of you both.
Different scenario entirely but when my Dad was critically ill a few months I was able to be there for him and help him through. I couldn't of done that if I had still been drinking. Something to be grateful for.
Difficult times ahead b0gler but you will be strong I'm sure.
Thinking of you both.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Yes. My husband was diagnosed terminal 5 months after we got married in 2010. He was given 3 months to live...and they literally couldn't believe he was so 'ill' because he seemed ok. But the cancer was very aggressive, fast spreading so he would become sick quickly.
It was almost a 2 year battle...and I wasn't sober for all of it. And I DEEPLY regret that. I try not to kick myself around about it, but that shame is rough. I have/had very challenging survivors guilt...I blame myself which of course is illogical.
I am so glad they found her cancer early. I actually had cancer before my late hub but it too was found very early. I used to forget about it altogether because it was so minor, like a scratch, compared to what my hub went through. The cancer is back however and I'm trying to tackle it, well have been over the last 3 years. But again, very early stage, so I'll be ok.
I can only say this: Project ahead, when you guys are looking back at this. Who do you want to be? How would you have wanted to support your wife? Putting it bluntly, she is sick, you are not. Drinking 'at' her cancer makes no sense...I mean, I get it. Drinking is what 'we' do.
You are sober and can handle this. Drunk? You will never forgive yourself.
It was almost a 2 year battle...and I wasn't sober for all of it. And I DEEPLY regret that. I try not to kick myself around about it, but that shame is rough. I have/had very challenging survivors guilt...I blame myself which of course is illogical.
I am so glad they found her cancer early. I actually had cancer before my late hub but it too was found very early. I used to forget about it altogether because it was so minor, like a scratch, compared to what my hub went through. The cancer is back however and I'm trying to tackle it, well have been over the last 3 years. But again, very early stage, so I'll be ok.
I can only say this: Project ahead, when you guys are looking back at this. Who do you want to be? How would you have wanted to support your wife? Putting it bluntly, she is sick, you are not. Drinking 'at' her cancer makes no sense...I mean, I get it. Drinking is what 'we' do.
You are sober and can handle this. Drunk? You will never forgive yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 452
Originally Posted by entropy1964 
Yes. My husband was diagnosed terminal 5 months after we got married in 2010. He was given 3 months to live...and they literally couldn't believe he was so 'ill' because he seemed ok. But the cancer was very aggressive, fast spreading so he would become sick quickly.
It was almost a 2 year battle...and I wasn't sober for all of it. And I DEEPLY regret that. I try not to kick myself around about it, but that shame is rough. I have/had very challenging survivors guilt...I blame myself which of course is illogical.
I am so glad they found her cancer early. I actually had cancer before my late hub but it too was found very early. I used to forget about it altogether because it was so minor, like a scratch, compared to what my hub went through. The cancer is back however and I'm trying to tackle it, well have been over the last 3 years. But again, very early stage, so I'll be ok.
I can only say this: Project ahead, when you guys are looking back at this. Who do you want to be? How would you have wanted to support your wife? Putting it bluntly, she is sick, you are not. Drinking 'at' her cancer makes no sense...I mean, I get it. Drinking is what 'we' do.
You are sober and can handle this. Drunk? You will never forgive yourself.
It was almost a 2 year battle...and I wasn't sober for all of it. And I DEEPLY regret that. I try not to kick myself around about it, but that shame is rough. I have/had very challenging survivors guilt...I blame myself which of course is illogical.
I am so glad they found her cancer early. I actually had cancer before my late hub but it too was found very early. I used to forget about it altogether because it was so minor, like a scratch, compared to what my hub went through. The cancer is back however and I'm trying to tackle it, well have been over the last 3 years. But again, very early stage, so I'll be ok.
I can only say this: Project ahead, when you guys are looking back at this. Who do you want to be? How would you have wanted to support your wife? Putting it bluntly, she is sick, you are not. Drinking 'at' her cancer makes no sense...I mean, I get it. Drinking is what 'we' do.
You are sober and can handle this. Drunk? You will never forgive yourself.
We went together to see the chemo nurse which made things very real and alarming but it was also reassuring at the same time. I am determined to be there, sober and supportive throughout the whole journey wherever this may lead.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,067
I am sorry for your wife's illness. I wish her all the best.
My first wife died of ovarian cancer, long before I got into recovery. I was mostly able to support her, but did get drunk and disorderly one night shortly before she passed away. I would suggest getting as much support for yourself as possible--if you are in a city, there may be a cancer support group. AA meetings are always helpful.
My first wife died of ovarian cancer, long before I got into recovery. I was mostly able to support her, but did get drunk and disorderly one night shortly before she passed away. I would suggest getting as much support for yourself as possible--if you are in a city, there may be a cancer support group. AA meetings are always helpful.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 452
Originally Posted by Coldfusion
I am sorry for your wife's illness. I wish her all the best.
My first wife died of ovarian cancer, long before I got into recovery. I was mostly able to support her, but did get drunk and disorderly one night shortly before she passed away. I would suggest getting as much support for yourself as possible--if you are in a city, there may be a cancer support group. AA meetings are always helpful.
My first wife died of ovarian cancer, long before I got into recovery. I was mostly able to support her, but did get drunk and disorderly one night shortly before she passed away. I would suggest getting as much support for yourself as possible--if you are in a city, there may be a cancer support group. AA meetings are always helpful.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 55
I'm sorry to hear about your wife's diagnosis. It's great they caught it early, but of course that doesn't minimize the fight ahead of you both. Unfortunately, I've had many family members and friends who have gone through this, as I'm sure many people do. I helped care for a close family member several years ago.
I hope you have family and friends nearby who will help support you both. I encourage you to accept any help they offer. Meals, laundry, transportation, an ear to listen. Let them be there for your wife and yourself and don't be hesitant to ask for help if you need it. Running yourself into the ground will not help your wife or yourself. Be there to support her every step of the way, but try to balance that with help from others.
If you don't have family or friends nearby, please take advantage of the services provided by the hospital or cancer treatment center. Many offer a lot of services, such as transportation and other social services, as well as counseling (both for the patient and the caregiver). Many have social workers who are cancer survivors themselves who will check in with the family to see what they need. Allow them to help you and guide you through the process. When I was helping a family member, the social worker drafted a letter for my employer so I could go on medical leave to help care for them. If both you and your wife work, you'll both likely need something for your employers to protect your jobs. The social workers are really a wealth of information to the patients and their families, as the patient might have multiple oncologists and radiologists treating them and it's not always easy to know who you need to talk to for assistance.
And, lastly, an uncomfortable topic as well. The hospital or cancer care center will likely ask (if they haven't already) about Advanced Health Care Directives, Living Wills, etc. If you don't already have the documents in place, you may want to think of it. With the family member I helped, every doctor asked about if those documents were in place. It doesn't feel good to think about those types of things, especially when already facing cancer treatment, but my family member already had everything in place which honestly was such a relief. They made it through treatment well, as their cancer was also caught early.
Many prayers for you and wife during her treatment. There is a lot of support here on SR, so please post if you need to vent or need support.
I hope you have family and friends nearby who will help support you both. I encourage you to accept any help they offer. Meals, laundry, transportation, an ear to listen. Let them be there for your wife and yourself and don't be hesitant to ask for help if you need it. Running yourself into the ground will not help your wife or yourself. Be there to support her every step of the way, but try to balance that with help from others.
If you don't have family or friends nearby, please take advantage of the services provided by the hospital or cancer treatment center. Many offer a lot of services, such as transportation and other social services, as well as counseling (both for the patient and the caregiver). Many have social workers who are cancer survivors themselves who will check in with the family to see what they need. Allow them to help you and guide you through the process. When I was helping a family member, the social worker drafted a letter for my employer so I could go on medical leave to help care for them. If both you and your wife work, you'll both likely need something for your employers to protect your jobs. The social workers are really a wealth of information to the patients and their families, as the patient might have multiple oncologists and radiologists treating them and it's not always easy to know who you need to talk to for assistance.
And, lastly, an uncomfortable topic as well. The hospital or cancer care center will likely ask (if they haven't already) about Advanced Health Care Directives, Living Wills, etc. If you don't already have the documents in place, you may want to think of it. With the family member I helped, every doctor asked about if those documents were in place. It doesn't feel good to think about those types of things, especially when already facing cancer treatment, but my family member already had everything in place which honestly was such a relief. They made it through treatment well, as their cancer was also caught early.
Many prayers for you and wife during her treatment. There is a lot of support here on SR, so please post if you need to vent or need support.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Yes I am in similar situation and so grateful for sobriety because I can be support for my wife instead of making a difficult situation worse.
Was also able at 6 months of sobriety to become the caregiver for my mother who wanted to die at home. Her worst fear was dying alone in a hospital. The day she passed I held her hand as she transitioned from this life. She was trashing about in her death throes (she had unfinished business), when I held her hand and told her that I would alright (momspeak for sober) she immediately calmed down, took her last breath, and passed (her job was done). The whole experience of being caregiver, while painful, was the greatest gift I have received in recovery and was only possible because I was sober.
My daughter (who is also in recovery) went through breast cancer a few years back. Sobriety meant that I could be support for my daughter during this difficult time for her.
In recovery, we get many lessons that show us we have way more strength than we give ourselves credit for.
Because of recovery, I was able to pay forward a tiny bit of the support that my wife, mother, and daughter gave to me in my search for recovery, despite the many failed attempts at sobriety until I finally found true recovery.
Words can not even begin to express my gratitude.
Recovery is the only way through hard times. You can do this and will be so grateful when you get through this.
Was also able at 6 months of sobriety to become the caregiver for my mother who wanted to die at home. Her worst fear was dying alone in a hospital. The day she passed I held her hand as she transitioned from this life. She was trashing about in her death throes (she had unfinished business), when I held her hand and told her that I would alright (momspeak for sober) she immediately calmed down, took her last breath, and passed (her job was done). The whole experience of being caregiver, while painful, was the greatest gift I have received in recovery and was only possible because I was sober.
My daughter (who is also in recovery) went through breast cancer a few years back. Sobriety meant that I could be support for my daughter during this difficult time for her.
In recovery, we get many lessons that show us we have way more strength than we give ourselves credit for.
Because of recovery, I was able to pay forward a tiny bit of the support that my wife, mother, and daughter gave to me in my search for recovery, despite the many failed attempts at sobriety until I finally found true recovery.
Words can not even begin to express my gratitude.
Recovery is the only way through hard times. You can do this and will be so grateful when you get through this.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,516
I'm very sorry for your wife's cancer diagnosis. It's so good that you are sober and present and will be able to be there for her. The hospital your wife is involved with may have a support group for spouses and it might be something that would help you in the coming months.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
I am sorry about your wife’s diagnosis. It is great that you’ve got a good amount of sober time under you, and that you are logging on here for support.
Since getting sober I’ve dealt with several difficult life issues including my mom being very ill, and then passing away the day after Christmas. I used SR to share how I was feeling, and also leaned on friends and family when needed. I was glad to be able to be there for my mom, and also to be able to go feel emotions, even when they were painful.
I’m so glad your wife has you for support. Keep posting on this thread and we will be here for your support.
❤️Delilah
Since getting sober I’ve dealt with several difficult life issues including my mom being very ill, and then passing away the day after Christmas. I used SR to share how I was feeling, and also leaned on friends and family when needed. I was glad to be able to be there for my mom, and also to be able to go feel emotions, even when they were painful.
I’m so glad your wife has you for support. Keep posting on this thread and we will be here for your support.
❤️Delilah
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 452
Originally Posted by nez
Yes I am in similar situation and so grateful for sobriety because I can be support for my wife instead of making a difficult situation worse.
Was also able at 6 months of sobriety to become the caregiver for my mother who wanted to die at home. Her worst fear was dying alone in a hospital. The day she passed I held her hand as she transitioned from this life. She was trashing about in her death throes (she had unfinished business), when I held her hand and told her that I would alright (momspeak for sober) she immediately calmed down, took her last breath, and passed (her job was done). The whole experience of being caregiver, while painful, was the greatest gift I have received in recovery and was only possible because I was sober.
My daughter (who is also in recovery) went through breast cancer a few years back. Sobriety meant that I could be support for my daughter during this difficult time for her.
In recovery, we get many lessons that show us we have way more strength than we give ourselves credit for.
Because of recovery, I was able to pay forward a tiny bit of the support that my wife, mother, and daughter gave to me in my search for recovery, despite the many failed attempts at sobriety until I finally found true recovery.
Words can not even begin to express my gratitude.
Recovery is the only way through hard times. You can do this and will be so grateful when you get through this.
Was also able at 6 months of sobriety to become the caregiver for my mother who wanted to die at home. Her worst fear was dying alone in a hospital. The day she passed I held her hand as she transitioned from this life. She was trashing about in her death throes (she had unfinished business), when I held her hand and told her that I would alright (momspeak for sober) she immediately calmed down, took her last breath, and passed (her job was done). The whole experience of being caregiver, while painful, was the greatest gift I have received in recovery and was only possible because I was sober.
My daughter (who is also in recovery) went through breast cancer a few years back. Sobriety meant that I could be support for my daughter during this difficult time for her.
In recovery, we get many lessons that show us we have way more strength than we give ourselves credit for.
Because of recovery, I was able to pay forward a tiny bit of the support that my wife, mother, and daughter gave to me in my search for recovery, despite the many failed attempts at sobriety until I finally found true recovery.
Words can not even begin to express my gratitude.
Recovery is the only way through hard times. You can do this and will be so grateful when you get through this.
I am touched by this and by all the responses on the thread.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 452
Originally Posted by MissPeaches
I'm sorry to hear about your wife's diagnosis. It's great they caught it early, but of course that doesn't minimize the fight ahead of you both. Unfortunately, I've had many family members and friends who have gone through this, as I'm sure many people do. I helped care for a close family member several years ago.
I hope you have family and friends nearby who will help support you both. I encourage you to accept any help they offer. Meals, laundry, transportation, an ear to listen. Let them be there for your wife and yourself and don't be hesitant to ask for help if you need it. Running yourself into the ground will not help your wife or yourself. Be there to support her every step of the way, but try to balance that with help from others.
If you don't have family or friends nearby, please take advantage of the services provided by the hospital or cancer treatment center. Many offer a lot of services, such as transportation and other social services, as well as counseling (both for the patient and the caregiver). Many have social workers who are cancer survivors themselves who will check in with the family to see what they need. Allow them to help you and guide you through the process. When I was helping a family member, the social worker drafted a letter for my employer so I could go on medical leave to help care for them. If both you and your wife work, you'll both likely need something for your employers to protect your jobs. The social workers are really a wealth of information to the patients and their families, as the patient might have multiple oncologists and radiologists treating them and it's not always easy to know who you need to talk to for assistance.
And, lastly, an uncomfortable topic as well. The hospital or cancer care center will likely ask (if they haven't already) about Advanced Health Care Directives, Living Wills, etc. If you don't already have the documents in place, you may want to think of it. With the family member I helped, every doctor asked about if those documents were in place. It doesn't feel good to think about those types of things, especially when already facing cancer treatment, but my family member already had everything in place which honestly was such a relief. They made it through treatment well, as their cancer was also caught early.
Many prayers for you and wife during her treatment. There is a lot of support here on SR, so please post if you need to vent or need support.
I hope you have family and friends nearby who will help support you both. I encourage you to accept any help they offer. Meals, laundry, transportation, an ear to listen. Let them be there for your wife and yourself and don't be hesitant to ask for help if you need it. Running yourself into the ground will not help your wife or yourself. Be there to support her every step of the way, but try to balance that with help from others.
If you don't have family or friends nearby, please take advantage of the services provided by the hospital or cancer treatment center. Many offer a lot of services, such as transportation and other social services, as well as counseling (both for the patient and the caregiver). Many have social workers who are cancer survivors themselves who will check in with the family to see what they need. Allow them to help you and guide you through the process. When I was helping a family member, the social worker drafted a letter for my employer so I could go on medical leave to help care for them. If both you and your wife work, you'll both likely need something for your employers to protect your jobs. The social workers are really a wealth of information to the patients and their families, as the patient might have multiple oncologists and radiologists treating them and it's not always easy to know who you need to talk to for assistance.
And, lastly, an uncomfortable topic as well. The hospital or cancer care center will likely ask (if they haven't already) about Advanced Health Care Directives, Living Wills, etc. If you don't already have the documents in place, you may want to think of it. With the family member I helped, every doctor asked about if those documents were in place. It doesn't feel good to think about those types of things, especially when already facing cancer treatment, but my family member already had everything in place which honestly was such a relief. They made it through treatment well, as their cancer was also caught early.
Many prayers for you and wife during her treatment. There is a lot of support here on SR, so please post if you need to vent or need support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 452
My wife is 4 rounds into 6 of chemotherapy and the treatment has knocked her for six. They changed the drugs at dose 3 and they have far worse side effects (bone aching, nosebleeds, insomnia, exhaustion).
I have been working from home (and caring for my wife). Work has been very busy which has drained me of energy and added even more anxiety but I'm still managing to function. My employer has been ok, they are allowing me to work from home (and they have said supportive things) but the workload is huge (always the same at this time of year).
I fear for the future and I fear for her and the impact her treatment is having on her (also on our 18 yr old son) but I'm pleased to say that I'm not tempted to 'drink at' the situation and I have found that I can cope without alcohol, Frankly, I realise how bad the situation would become if I was to relapse and drink again (after 2 years).
I don't think this Christmas will be up to much but I'll be trying!
Support to everyone else struggling out there.
I have been working from home (and caring for my wife). Work has been very busy which has drained me of energy and added even more anxiety but I'm still managing to function. My employer has been ok, they are allowing me to work from home (and they have said supportive things) but the workload is huge (always the same at this time of year).
I fear for the future and I fear for her and the impact her treatment is having on her (also on our 18 yr old son) but I'm pleased to say that I'm not tempted to 'drink at' the situation and I have found that I can cope without alcohol, Frankly, I realise how bad the situation would become if I was to relapse and drink again (after 2 years).
I don't think this Christmas will be up to much but I'll be trying!
Support to everyone else struggling out there.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Sending lots of love for you and your wife. Four rounds down is a good thing, and I am sure your support and help means a great deal to both you and your son.
Do you have anyone else around to help with your wife? As difficult as it may be make sure to find the time to get some support for yourself. It is not easy being a caregiver.
I am wishing health and love for you and your family this holiday season.
❤️Delilah
Do you have anyone else around to help with your wife? As difficult as it may be make sure to find the time to get some support for yourself. It is not easy being a caregiver.
I am wishing health and love for you and your family this holiday season.
❤️Delilah
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