taplow

I wrote what I thought was an good post - I've had a few beers though and poured one over the computer and I lost my post that I thought was great. But I've covered rice on my laptop noe ànd its dird so writing this on the phone.
First time I've drink since May and I've poured lager all over the computer that I was going on about drinking for the first time since May.
But anyway I want to refer you to the more detailed post I wrote which was deleted - I feel so bad.
I was saying that I can easily substitute an addiction for another. For instance heroin will cure someone who is desperate to stop drinking.
I have to say I am a bit drunk and an earlier post did get lost that explained something I wanted to talk about but I should say that I ďont know who ßomething is. You press the S button hard and then you get ß you see. Now just imagine if George Harrison had pressed the button hard we'd have never had Something, we'd have ßomething on Abbey Road instead.

Anna

I hope you stop drinking, Tap.

BeABetterMan

least

That doesn't sound like fun to me.

gypsytears

Pour whatever alcohol you have down the drain. Have some water, go to sleep. I’m looking forward to reading your posts after you’ve sobered up.

ColoradoRocky

Paul Klee would not want you to drink. Paul Klee did not create 8,000+ works of art drinking!

Hevyn

Come back to us soon, taplow.

Dee74

Gotta be honest - none of that sounds great. I remember not being able to complete simple tasks and putting on a brave or facetious face about it.,..but inside I was dying.

You deserve better, man.
I hope you come back tomorrow B.

D

Misssy2

i'm afraid you will read what you wrote tomorrow and never come back again...I have done that in the past when I felt embarrassed on websites...

There is nothing more painful than the rollercoaster of alcoholism...I hope someday you can look back and laugh and say WOW...Thank God I don't do things like that anymore (drink and ruin a computer)… Hope you feel better soon.

lessgravity

Haven't seen you around here in a long time. I remember connecting to much of what you shared when you wrote under the name "ptarmigan". In fact almost a year and a half ago I wrote the following post on another thread of yours, like this one, rambling and drunk, wishing for sobriety but not working for it:



I posted the following on one of your threads under your last name, still rings true:

I remembered another thread you wrote so I looked it up. You wrote:

"I lie here on a sofa that bears my imprint. Years are going by."

Sure there are horrors and malevolence and brutal tragedies in life. But this sentence made me so sad. It struck a chord with me. It's obvious you want more. It's obvious you don't want to finish you life having led it in "quiet desperation, with your song still inside you..." At least it seems that way to me.

Hope you find some strength and wisdom here.




Hoping the same for you now.

Trojanhorse

Dump the booze taplow and hit the sheets. Come back here tomorrow and we will all start fresh. Every road has its bumps.

PS hope the computer is not ratched!

taplow

Thanks everyone. I have to say that I'm still drinking but seem to have got some tolerance again - I'm not falling all over the place. I've been back to London since that last post and been seeing friends and drinking like the bad old days.
That opening post is quite amazing and I can't believe that's me, but there you go. Anyway I'm still drinking, but back home tomorrow, hopefully can get back on the straight and narrow.
An absolutely terrible thing about me is that when I'm sober - from May to September, and previously from October to May - I don't post on this site. Then the first day I start drinking, I'm straight back posting again.
In drunkeness I act like a child but don't seem to carry out my adult responsibilities to others when I'm having a long sober stint.
Memo - must take long hard look at oneself.
Anyway, I'm still drinking but am stopping - planning on stopping tomorrow.
ColoradoRocky, I think Paul Klee's is a great advertistment for sobriety,
Hi Dee. xx

taplow

Thanks lessgravity, don't know what to say. I really can't remember having the different name ptarmigan - shows how drunk I've been -but I know it's me as it's always been one of my favourite words and certainly, easily the best dinosaur name.
Anyway I'm still drinking, though I'm back from London and using the logic of winding down, ready to stop tomorrow.
From the vantage point of sobriety, drunkness is ludicrously stupid. You have to be in it to value it. It's only from outside you see it for what it really is. The trouble is you have to get outside first - sight unseen.
I hope you're okay, thanks.

fini

"From the vantage point of sobriety, drunkness is ludicrously stupid. You have to be in it to value it. It's only from outside you see it for what it really is."

what is it you value, since you're in it?

taplow

I am in, it yes. I think there's nothing of value of it, but it's comfortable and I can see it's slipping away. I should say that now after my London stint I'm now sitting on my own so any socialising aspect of drinking is out the window.
Right, so I'm in it, what's it giving me? That's the problem, I don't know. I can't compare it with another state of mind bcause I don't have one, I only I want this one to continue. If I had the ability to do so there'd be no problem. All I can say is that I feel quite nice.
Obviously I have no ability in long term planning or I'd see that I'm just creating my problem every day.
Still it's only 5 days this time. I just went round the supermarket and bought another 4 pint Kronenburg cans.
I need to get out of it, and now it seems easy to do it tomorrow, but tomorrow is just today in another in disguise.
I don't want it to get me in anotehr headlock.

gypsytears

While you understand the realm of drunkness holds no value, you are still drinking and feeling “quite nice”. Do you really want to stop? Flaunting your drinking on a recovery board today isn’t going to help quitting tomorrow. Or will it...

AnvilheadII

I don't want it to get me in anotehr headlock.

oh i'd say that ship has sailed.

do you want to quit drinking, tap? do you want to experience life as a sober person no longer IN that headlock? do you want to face the day, the one you are IN, with a clear head?

nobody has ever quit tomorrow.
all recovery starts with quitting today.

taplow

PS - should just say that I know that the ptarmigan isn't a dinosaur but is some bird in South Amerca.
Panic over.

Ringside

taplow

I'm not flaunting it, I was just asked a question. Just trying to be honest. I did that because I thought someone genuinely wanted to know. I thought that maybe I could......... well you get the picture.