Despondent.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Kaily, when I drank, it didn’t work. It didn’t knock me out, drown out the thoughts, it added new, malicious thoughts criticising me for drinking! They were incessant, that AV, inner critic extrodinaire!
Then I had blackouts once more, daily, I suppose I was knocked out, but a permanent blackout can’t be achieved, unless I drank myself into a deadly coma. The drinking ramped up to previous levels, alarmi fly fast. All that horror, just because I believed the AV’s lies, that ‘I could just switch off my thoughts with a bottle of wine for a few nights’!
I felt out of control, fully in the grip of, listening to the AV. Drink, drink, drink, more, more, this amount is too small. And it was, tolerance returned with alarming speed.
It was a vicious cycle, I drank, the AV berated me, I drank more, I felt so sick and ill, the AV called me a useless ‘***’ , failure, hopeless, and on and on.
Drinking exacerbated the very unwanted thoughts I was wanted to stop.
I released myself from the AVs dictatorship, by listening to the films here, and then stopping fighting, stopping listening, ignoring the AV.
And I know it’s hard, but you Kaily, are in control of your hands and your feet: your thoughts (as I call them AV) are not. I know you can do this, Kaily 🤗
Then I had blackouts once more, daily, I suppose I was knocked out, but a permanent blackout can’t be achieved, unless I drank myself into a deadly coma. The drinking ramped up to previous levels, alarmi fly fast. All that horror, just because I believed the AV’s lies, that ‘I could just switch off my thoughts with a bottle of wine for a few nights’!
I felt out of control, fully in the grip of, listening to the AV. Drink, drink, drink, more, more, this amount is too small. And it was, tolerance returned with alarming speed.
It was a vicious cycle, I drank, the AV berated me, I drank more, I felt so sick and ill, the AV called me a useless ‘***’ , failure, hopeless, and on and on.
Drinking exacerbated the very unwanted thoughts I was wanted to stop.
I released myself from the AVs dictatorship, by listening to the films here, and then stopping fighting, stopping listening, ignoring the AV.
And I know it’s hard, but you Kaily, are in control of your hands and your feet: your thoughts (as I call them AV) are not. I know you can do this, Kaily 🤗
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,171
About the couch, although if I understand you correctly, this whole chaos fit isn't just about the couch:
I've spent money on things I shouldn't. I've been billed for things I never bought. Sometimes I go to battle out of principal. Sometimes I just eat my mistake. Sometimes I pay an unwarranted bill just to get rid of the company (of course, I never do business with that company again). But somewhere in my calculations on how to handle a situation, I factor in which response causes the least amount of stress. Throwing money out the window? Yes, sometimes that's the least stressful way to deal with the situation.
But as you have said, this isn't all about the couch, so I'm guessing it's about stress, and I would look to getting rid of that while putting aside other considerations and focusing on eliminating stress. Eventually, you may even understand why it's there in the first place.
Does drinking help? I don't know about others, but it never helped me get rid of stress. It got rid of cravings, but the stress remained as I went about making a fool out of myself having a snit in front of others. Most of all, and I think this is most important; I put drinking off the table. No matter what I have to confront, drinking is off the table. It's not part of my life, my plan, or my solutions, and I have to find another way, because I made a commitment to myself that recovery from alcoholism is priority number one.
Good luck with this. I do understand these kinds of low points. Not every response is the best one, and sometimes each one contains a negative, but get rid of stress.
I've spent money on things I shouldn't. I've been billed for things I never bought. Sometimes I go to battle out of principal. Sometimes I just eat my mistake. Sometimes I pay an unwarranted bill just to get rid of the company (of course, I never do business with that company again). But somewhere in my calculations on how to handle a situation, I factor in which response causes the least amount of stress. Throwing money out the window? Yes, sometimes that's the least stressful way to deal with the situation.
But as you have said, this isn't all about the couch, so I'm guessing it's about stress, and I would look to getting rid of that while putting aside other considerations and focusing on eliminating stress. Eventually, you may even understand why it's there in the first place.
Does drinking help? I don't know about others, but it never helped me get rid of stress. It got rid of cravings, but the stress remained as I went about making a fool out of myself having a snit in front of others. Most of all, and I think this is most important; I put drinking off the table. No matter what I have to confront, drinking is off the table. It's not part of my life, my plan, or my solutions, and I have to find another way, because I made a commitment to myself that recovery from alcoholism is priority number one.
Good luck with this. I do understand these kinds of low points. Not every response is the best one, and sometimes each one contains a negative, but get rid of stress.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
So I don't want to make this post about the couch. But it seems this is about feelings, what those feelings are, where they are coming from and how to cope with them. And the cool thing about feelings is they will change. Good feelings change, uncomfortable feelings change. Always. And feelings aren't always fact....so that's why they can seem so 'out of the blue'. But are they?
You have that restless and irritable thing going on. I totally relate. You are isolated, and people bother you, but your are alone. I relate. I often find myself criticizing myself....you are alone, but you are choosing to be. Why do you choose this? What is wrong with you (this is actually my societal training...why DON'T I seem to 'need' people the way I 'should'?). Its confusing. Because I know I 'need' but I don't know what that looks like. And people can be scary and disappointing. But still, I'm alone.
I'm not sure if you relate to any of that. Its where I am right now. I KNOW I need to change, I need to make things happen in my life. But I'm scared. Of me, of them, of the effort, of failure, of rejection. I don't know.
And the couch? That may have exacerbated the feelings of isolation and 'people suck'-ness if you even relate to that. Because you may feel you got 'taken advantage of' and for me that is one of the worst feelings and it just amplifies that feeling of powerlessness.
Feelings feelings feelings. And sometimes I have to just STOP myself. And pinpoint a few actions, actual things I can do that will stop me trying to feel myself into feeling better. But act myself into feeling better.
That action? I don't know. For me, its writing my resume, getting a job, starting back to AA. I don't work the program but I know for a fact, when I sit in that room I 'feel' better...if I let myself.
So that might have been a bunch of gobbbledegook. But if not, maybe give it a try. Define a few actions, that don't require too much feeling, and just do them.
Then you might find that couch just a stinky couch. Not an example of powerlessness.
You have that restless and irritable thing going on. I totally relate. You are isolated, and people bother you, but your are alone. I relate. I often find myself criticizing myself....you are alone, but you are choosing to be. Why do you choose this? What is wrong with you (this is actually my societal training...why DON'T I seem to 'need' people the way I 'should'?). Its confusing. Because I know I 'need' but I don't know what that looks like. And people can be scary and disappointing. But still, I'm alone.
I'm not sure if you relate to any of that. Its where I am right now. I KNOW I need to change, I need to make things happen in my life. But I'm scared. Of me, of them, of the effort, of failure, of rejection. I don't know.
And the couch? That may have exacerbated the feelings of isolation and 'people suck'-ness if you even relate to that. Because you may feel you got 'taken advantage of' and for me that is one of the worst feelings and it just amplifies that feeling of powerlessness.
Feelings feelings feelings. And sometimes I have to just STOP myself. And pinpoint a few actions, actual things I can do that will stop me trying to feel myself into feeling better. But act myself into feeling better.
That action? I don't know. For me, its writing my resume, getting a job, starting back to AA. I don't work the program but I know for a fact, when I sit in that room I 'feel' better...if I let myself.
So that might have been a bunch of gobbbledegook. But if not, maybe give it a try. Define a few actions, that don't require too much feeling, and just do them.
Then you might find that couch just a stinky couch. Not an example of powerlessness.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
I want to knock myself out. Eliminate all these feelings, be numb and oblivious.
The good news is that you have recognized but not reacted upon it. How great is that? I have never regretted ignoring my thoughts about becoming numb and oblivious (even if only temporarily). I have always regretted acting upon those thoughts.
Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong, especially when your soul is letting you know that you are in danger.
When I get stuck, I take an honest hard look at myself because that is where the answer lies. Then I figure out what I can change about me. It is sometimes difficult to keep my focus on what those changes about me are because my ego wants to change everything but me. I defer to my soul before taking action on changes in these instances because it truly has my best interest as priority number one. Priority number one is changing me, not my surroundings, not other people, not anything else...but me.
My ego tells me that once everything falls into place, I’ll be peaceful and serene. My ego has it bass ackwards. My soul knows that when I am peaceful and serene, then everything will fall into place.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 7,061
I am so glad I posted it has helped me so much. I was totally overwhelmed and losing myself. Today is better than yesterday so that is progress. I made myself go out, stop obsessing and actually had a nice day at a summer fair. My dog won a rosette, what more could I want?
I am so pleased I did not drink.
Entropy you got me absolutely spot on. Thank you.
Amazing the power of the collective. Thank you to each and everyone of you.
I am so pleased I did not drink.
Entropy you got me absolutely spot on. Thank you.
Amazing the power of the collective. Thank you to each and everyone of you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 524
I find we must get used to the uncomfortable feelings. I get bad anxiety sometimes, it happens out of nowhere. I feel stressed, feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack, negative thoughts, feel like I am losing my mind. Naturally when I feel like this my mind turns to having a drink, as it was what I reached out for to make me feel better.
But I find everytime I feel uncomfortable, but don't drink, I get stronger and realise that even though I may feel quite bad mentally, it won't kill me.
These bad mental times can sometimes last for a couple of weeks on and off, it may be something is stressing us in life that we need to deal with. When I used to drink, these bad mental episodes would end up ten times worse.
I can be happily plodding along in life and all of a sudden I will have a bad day, or a bad few weeks. Just keep doing the right things, eat well, exercise, try to sleep, connect with friends, and most of all, Don't Drink. You will eventually feel better.
But I find everytime I feel uncomfortable, but don't drink, I get stronger and realise that even though I may feel quite bad mentally, it won't kill me.
These bad mental times can sometimes last for a couple of weeks on and off, it may be something is stressing us in life that we need to deal with. When I used to drink, these bad mental episodes would end up ten times worse.
I can be happily plodding along in life and all of a sudden I will have a bad day, or a bad few weeks. Just keep doing the right things, eat well, exercise, try to sleep, connect with friends, and most of all, Don't Drink. You will eventually feel better.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Hi Kaily,
Just caught up on your thread, and so glad you didn’t drink and we’re feeling a little better today. I hope you’re able to work with the seller on a refund. If not, maybe you can try to sell it locally and at least get some of your money back.
What have you been doing during the past ten months for recovery? Is there something you can add to help with how you’re feeling now? What do you enjoy doing? Is there a class you might want to take? Maybe a walking or running group you might want to join?
Just caught up on your thread, and so glad you didn’t drink and we’re feeling a little better today. I hope you’re able to work with the seller on a refund. If not, maybe you can try to sell it locally and at least get some of your money back.
What have you been doing during the past ten months for recovery? Is there something you can add to help with how you’re feeling now? What do you enjoy doing? Is there a class you might want to take? Maybe a walking or running group you might want to join?
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