Pouncer

I have gradually been more and more isolated. I don't do anything or see anyone. My kids are depressed as a result of my depression. I drank a bottle of wine yesterday, after several years of sobriety. I made a fool of myself.

I felt as though I had been working hard at insight these last years, but I really ****** things up with my son last night and I am tired of trying to figure out why I am so broken.

I am in therapy and have been diagnosed with severe PTSD, which is why I think I do not want to leave my house or do anything. It hit me that I am extremely depressed, not just anxious. I am writing here because I really just need some love and encouragement today.

I want so much to be happy being sober and a more emotionally-connected person, just need some support and encouragement.

NicLin

I'm sorry that you are feeling so down, and drank. Be gentle with yourself, it speaks volumes that the day afterwards, you are here, looking for support. We are here for you. Keeping logging on and opening up to us, we understand.
I too suffer from depression and this past 6 months was a horrendous episode that I almost didn't make it. What helped me was to meditate, exercise and read some literature on mindfulness. Eckhart Tolle saved my life, I highly recommend it.

Try to get out of your own head as much as possible, find one activity that you enjoy doing, maybe with your children? And Seek help, whether it be AA or mental health, but I think both would be beneficial.

I am rooting for you. You're strong and it is truly an amazing accomplishment to have years of sobriety under your belt!!!! One stupid slip up, you can get right back to it. Don't reflect on it anymore, it is gone and past. Move forward and towards a brighter day tomorrow. It will be better.

BeABetterMan

Pouncer

Thank you so much for your quick reply. I am having an especially difficult time now. Your thoughtful comment may have made the difference in whether I "make it" or not - and has helped me get some perspective and self-compassion.

I was so hungover today that I thought that I would actually die. I got a migraine (wine is a trigger). I still romanticize about alcohol and feel I can't stop those that type of thinking.

BeABetterMan

BeABetterMan

Dee74

I'm sorry you drank and that you're feeling so low Pouncer but I hope this can be a new beginning for you.

Just like before, use the support here - you have the benefit of several years of sobriety - you can parlay that into a permanent state of recovery

D

Pouncer

The hard part about this is that I knew I was having signs of falling off the wagon well before I actually drank. Before, it was a desire to survive that kept me sober. I feel like I will not get that back again.

Nice to see you're still around, Dee.

Dee74

That slow car crash we see happening that we do nothing or little to avoid is a common experience for a lot of us.

I think it's part of active addiction - it may also be a hallmark of chronic depression as I've suffered from both.

The assumption that things, or we, cannot get better, or that we're too broken to fix or resistance is useless cos our fate is set is pretty common too, but it's just not true.

If we commit to doing something about our alcoholism and whatever other problems we have weighing us down, like depression, we can change our lives in miraculous ways.

I don't recognise myself in the person I was 12 years ago in active addiction and chronic untreated depression.

It may be hard to see today but there really is a life after all that, Pouncer

D

Callas

I would also say just ride this one out. Be kind to yourself and do what you can with the family. You are not alone, there are so many of us with these struggles.

Obladi

Hey, I'm sorry you drank. That stinks for sure, but I believe with reflection that you'll be able to piece together an understanding of what was going on inside of you that made drinking seem like a good (or inevitable) response.

It doesn't seem like you've lost the will to survive - you're here, right? Or do you think you've lost that as a motivator? You know, I think that's a fine place to start and for some people it's sufficient. But I needed something more; a deep desire for personal integrity plus the sincere belief I could leave my familiar drinking self in the past.

What's missing for you?

So glad you posted - keep it up.

O

daisy1

Now my children have flown the nest I can see now what a pressure it was for so long to try and be a perfect mother and be 'happy' for them. It did me no favours at all in the long run. You are allowed to have your own issues and be able to work on them, your kids will be ok - far better for them to see you working on n your depression and ptsd than being drunk I think x

Pouncer

Today is a new day. Going to a painting class, made my bed and going to go shopping with the kids.

Still feeling really ashamed. I know it will pass. Thanks for the support, everyone.

August252015

Glad you are here and gave that update. Just today, remember that- just focus on today.

Pouncer

I have never taken this advice, although I have heard it hundreds of times. Going to internalize it and try to feel what that means - to focus on the present.

saoutchik

Hi Pouncer, I have been on SR for ages and I remember from a couple of years back thinking that you seem like a good person. I hope you can get some treatment for your PTSD as that is probably ramping up your depression and the desire to drink too. On the positive side you have quit before and know what you have to to. All the best Pouncer.

Pouncer

Thank you, Saoutchik. I saw some of your forum posts last night and was happy to see that you are still around.

In the last 2 years, I have gone no contact with my parents, which has been good and bad...but time to myself has allowed me to recover more from PTSD/flashbacks from severe childhood abuse. In effect, I have lost all of my extended family, but I have my own nuclear family and supportive in-laws.

My closest family member passed away last month and I really haven't been doing well with it.

Getting sober permanently is hard. I am going to focus this round on realizing and accepting it is hard. Got to climb the mountain. Thanks for saying hi.

Zevin

Ditto on what everybody else already said! Good on you for posting.
A reminder of things I need to put on my priority list, especially avoiding isolation.
Sooo easy to do in these days of Netflix, books on demand etc.
Thanks again for the truthful post.
Lots of great thoughts sent your way.
PS-
What signs did you see that this relapse was coming on? I've heard over and over that relapses are usually unconsciously planned way in advance. I know I have sometimes bought a bottle of wine (or two) for a party or gift, knowing way deep down it was going to be for me.
I avoid buying alcohol for gifts now.
Baffling and CUNNING, isn't it?

Pouncer

I start cooking with wine -- then the thought creeps in. My husband still drinks, so that has been challenging over the last few years. My planning usually is a thought that I have been good, so I can "drink responsibly," or "have just one for today."

saoutchik

I'm glad you have your own family and supportive in-laws, that must help. On the basis of your post I would say you are right not to have contact with your parents.