FitNonDrinker

I finally told my husband (again, did it 3 years ago and he assured me I was ok) that I want to stop drinking. I find it hard to tell him everything I'm thinking.

Do any of you talk openly about the things you post here, or the steps and plans you have for not drinking? I don't feel comfortable at this point telling him everything I'm thinking. Like how my AV is talking to me here and there... and how when i see someone at the store buying alcohol I'm laser focused on them.... and how I'm not wanting to be around anyone drinking right now b/c this is all so new.

I sent him an email with all the excruciating details about why I can never drink again and how it makes me hate myself, but doing it daily in person would make me uncomfortable. And it's not really HIS problem, he drinks occasionally and is looking forward to football season. Im not

Bethany57

No....I don't tell my husband a lot of my deepest thoughts and fears. I am happily married but I guess I still fear some type of rejection or ridicule.

Chance219

I don't share *every* daily detail of my deranged thoughts as a recovering addict, but I am pretty open in general with my wife. She's in recovery too, and I feel like we have a pretty open line of communication most days. The early days, for me, I really needed to talk and share a lot more and she was always there.

@FitDrinker do you have a program or someone you can talk to about all this?

Best wishes

MyLittleHorsie

Yes and no. I told him I was quitting drinking, we discussed me moderating and I had to tell him I didn't believe it would work.
He supports me not drinking and understands when I don't want to do certain things. I begged off and stayed with the kids recently for a birthday party at a pub. The kids could have gone it was early or I could have got a sitter, but I didn't want to go either.
He gets that our house went from an open bar to a tea and coffee shop lol. We have a beer fridge in garage and barn, I stay out of them. I don't even clean them.
Do we discuss every little thing. No, we discuss a lot. I don't know if he knows I am on this website lol. He might if he went through my phone, I cannot imagine either of us doing that to the other though.

ThatWasTheOldMe

Chance,

I just wanted to share that the likely reason you needed someone to talk to a lot more in the early days is alcohol severely messes with your brain chemistry - it's a small molecule, so it easily gets past the blood-brain barrier - C2H5OH - compare that to any opioid or really any other drug of abuse. Combine that with the way it interacts with your brain's reward system and neurotransmitters associated with calmness, and it's no surprise that you wanted to jump out of your skin in the early days.

I use "you" as the royal you. It very much applies to me.

Also, your wife must be more than happy with you sober rather than checking out or just going ******* crazy drunk.

FitNonDrinker

Hi Chance! I'm going to see someone next week, for the first time. I actually went to 3 AA meetings about 3 years ago and felt very odd and out of place? I don't think I was in the right mindset at that time.

Funny how life works. We JUST moved from FL, where for the last 4 years, I drank like crazy with all my neighbors. Great people, just always pinging me to come outside and drink with them. So now we are ready to move into a beautiful new home, don't know many people so I'm glad to make a fresh start. All the sudden last week my 16 year old son calls me to his room and tells me he feels like "somethings missing". He's teared up and actually talking to me. He is so very quiet so this is alarming to me. After he talks for awhile, he's telling me he's felt like this for awhile, like there's a void in his life, he's not really sure what it is or why? I asked him if he feels suicidal or ever wanted to hurt himself and he assures me NO WAY. So my husband and I found a counselor for him, set to go next week. All this during the time when I'm feeling like I finally want to quit drinking, for good. I feel like all these things are lining up for me, so I've decided to get my own counselor at the same time.

Anyway, long story for short answer YES I'll have someone to talk to. Along with all you wonderful folks here, and one best friend whom Ive just told as well.

I know my husband wants to help me. He just doesn't know how and I don't know what to tell him either?

Heres to my FIRST weekend sober in years. I have books, podcasts, a couple planned trips to apple picking and corn mazes.... and SR posts to read/comment!

I won't allow alcohol in anymore!

FitNonDrinker

The first time I told my husband I had a prob was 2012. He emphatically said NO YOU DONT. So at that point, I believed him. Kept drinking.

It happened again in 2016 and he said, well maybe you should just moderate. LOL! I tried that and boy how it didn't work, ha!

This time, I told him in very detailed terms that I cannot drink like normal person. That alcohol does NOTHING good for me, only bad..... this time he says, "I see that, tell me what I can do to help".

It only took 8 years to convince him, hahahaha! Or maybe that long to convince myself

ThatWasTheOldMe

FitDrinker,

I'm not married, nor do I have a significant other.

But all of the effects of alcohol are bad for relationships. You can't have mutual respect with someone if you're constantly changing who you are with a substance that - well, changes who you are.

lessgravity

It's a good question for many of us in early sobriety. For me much like Pony above, my spouse knows much but certainly not the depths of my drinking deprivation. I thought at times about talking to her and explaining more just how far I had sunk, but in truth she is very responsible drinker and I don't know if she'd even understand.

I think it's important, for those of us with supportive spouses, to both use them as support and to be open with them. That said there are many things only the members of SR could know about my drinking days.

lessgravity

More importantly - wow awesome congrats! Please check in amd and let us know how it's going. A better life is just waiting there for you, and all of us.
​​​​​​

Hodd

SoberRican

I am fortunate to have support from my girlfriend as well as my fam. Shoot they have been waiting for this event to happen. Getting sober. Best choice I made. 118 days of it so far. But yeah I am open about my recovery.

FitNonDrinker

Hodd what a great example about helping a smoker. Thats so true. I'm afraid to tell my husband many things, things he prob doesn't ever need or want to know about my drinking.

All I want to be able to tell him and myself is that i'm DONE poisoning my body! I want to NEVER drink again. Thanks for all the helpful input everyone!

Mango212

Congratulations on your recovery!

12 step groups have been wonderful for myself and my youngest son, now 12. I'm not alcoholic. Al-Anon, Alateen. Perhaps your son would be willing to participate in some Alateen meetings?

DS12 was 8 years old when he volunteered to speak at a 12 step celebration event and tell his story, from his own experience. This and many other things have been great to experiences in gaining confidence and allowing changes much more easily.

bluelight44

Hi everyone, (I'm not an alcoholic- but in a relationship with one- and really value and am so impressed with all of your experiences and recovery stories here!! They literally are bringing tears to my eyes.)

I have been in a relationship with my ABF, but recently came to terms that I needed to leave the relationship, which has been deeply loving but has turned into emotional abuse and a toxic roller coaster.

I struggle so deeply with wanting to show him support (I don't think he is ready to choose sobriety) but I also realize walking away is probably the best thing for him (and me of course!). He is so triggered by our relationship. He has shared a fair amount right off the bat about his addiction and times of sobriety and AA, etc. but I know this runs so deep for him and that I cannot know the depths as I have not walked in these shoes. And I know it is all up to him... to choose recovery or not.

I am struggling to know how to love him and simultaneously take care of myself. But I want to give him support too. I feel like I am abandoning the man I love who is struggling so much.

Thank you all for reading this. And I apologize if this is not the right section for me to post this? I have been posting in Friends and Family too, but I also value the perspective of those who have walked in his shoes.... I am trying to find peace with this tragic situation.

ThatWasTheOldMe

If you want, I can explain some of the likely health consequences of alcoholic drinking from a perspective you won't find by Googling it. That alongside better relationships and not feeling like you want to puke when you're brushing your teeth tend to be pretty good motivators.

ThatWasTheOldMe

I guess the gist of it is you'll eventually get chronic pancreatitis - which is characterised by persistent flare-ups of acute pancreatitis (you feel very I'll, anything you eat IF you eat, you'll just throw back up). And that will be your life until it lulls, and youll feel a bit normal, but just off. And it will come back. The only real cure is surgery to remove the bit of your pancreas that's scarred and hope you're lucky.

The pancreas is a fascinating organ, but evolution has it that it butts up against the duodenum and bottom of the stomach, which means its tissues absorb small molecules that you ingest. Like ethanol.

Drinking alcoholically is as bad for your pancreas as it is your liver. Like 60-70% of hospitalizations due to pancreatitis are because of alcohol.

Hodd

FitNonDrinker

BlueLIght I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I don't know everything and am very new at stopping alcohol. This is my 3rd time in the last 7 years. My drinking hasn't been destructive to our marriage per se, but I haven't been 100% present. All I can offer is what I'd hope to hear from my husband....

I wish he'd tell me he wouldn't drink at all, in the house, around me until I felt less anxious.

I wish he'd just ask me "what can I do for you today?" when he can see I'm getting tired or anxious.

I wish he could appreciate how hard this is and will be and to never offer me a drink, EVER.

But unless your boyfriend WANTS to do this, you can't do much for him. Like you said, if it gets really bad, the best thing you could do to make the most impact on him is leave. Let him know you love him very much and will be ready for him when he decides he needs to quit.

It's like a light switch, when you realize alcohol is destroying you. Until then, it's just something you do.

I really hope he can make the decision to stop. You sound like a very supportive and loving person. Xo

ThatWasTheOldMe

You dont get a pancreas transfer, you just die of pancreatic cancer or internal bleeding or sepsis from your pancreas dying and leaking its digestive juices into your abdomen.

And the worst part is in almost every case, alcoholism isn't your fault. It's a mixture of nature and nurture.

The only way I can think is logic. That's why alcoholism is hard for me personally - I know that drinking temporarily "cures" my anxiety.