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questions about my fiancee's drinking

Old 08-28-2019, 10:26 AM
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questions about my fiancee's drinking

Hi There,

I am looking For some guidance from anyone who can give advice about the situation with my girlfriend.

When I first met her she had just come off a 3rd DUI, and had to be incarcerated for a year. She went through the AA program for at least a year afterwards. She has told me that she is not an alcoholic.

She is in school full-time, very focused and making straight A's and working part-time, we live together and are engaged. She's very intelligent and seems to be very high functioning. When we first met about five years ago I noticed that when she had too much to drink she could be very ornery and argumentative and we had several big fights. Several fights ended in her leaving for a day or two. I discovered that she had been buying and consuming alcohol during the day and hiding from me. Although she never appeared drunk. I have had four interventions with her where I said that she cannot drink during the day, and she agreed. I got her to go to a moderation management therapist which she said made sense and agreed to all the terms, but she only went to 2-3 sessions, but she assured me that she could control it and would not drink during the day anymore.

I have been able to find out that after one month of abstinence 6 months ago, occasionally, not every day, she has been buying alcohol and consuming before I come home. Several times she has bought and consumed an entire bottle of wine in the same day before I see her in the evening. Many days there is no evidence of any drinking for several days.
It is never obvious I cannot tell that she has been drinking, and since the last intervention, when we do drink together it has not manifested itself in the same way that she used to be, very ornery and argumentative, so that has changed for the better and when she does have a few drinks with me in the evening there has never been any issue with her behavior as before.

I would appreciate any comments from anybody who can relate to this situation or any situations that are similar. I was married for over 20 years, now in my late 50's, and I have sincere doubts about how this relationship will end up.
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Old 08-28-2019, 10:55 AM
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Hello, fiance101.

You're in a tough situation and are wise to be rethinking about the relationship and where it will end up. Questioning her honesty before jumping in is smart of you.

I'm a female recovered alcoholic. I have 22 years of continuous sobriety.

I was in a relationship with a guy who was all of those things, smart, successful, witty, etc., but the relationship did not have the foundation of love, respect, trust, and all the things a healthy relationship should be about. After the breakup, I started attending Al-Anon meetings and they helped me a lot. I still attend them when I have the time.

There is a forum here for Friends and Families of Alcoholics. You might check that out, read their stories, and post here and also on there.

Good luck to you.
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Old 08-28-2019, 10:57 AM
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Hi fiance101 and welcome.

First things first:

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). Also, as you may already know, 'high functioning' is not a type of alcoholism, it's just a stage of it. Alcoholics - well any addict is high functioning, until they are not.

This is so important because if she does have a drinking problem (and it certainly sounds like it) it is not under your control.

Not only because we shouldn't really attempt to change anyone (she is a grown up person and can do as she likes) but because it doesn't really work (as you are discovering).

Probably the most important thing right now is for you to learn as much about alcoholism as you can (and you have come to the right place for that). Research, read the stickies, google signs of alcoholism.

This is not so you can "fix" your girlfriend, this is so you are aware of how this affects you. You are the only person you control, of course.

You will find the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum really informative:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

In particular you might want to look at this current thread:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...end-again.html (Broke up with my girlfriend... AGAIN.)

Hope you will stick around and keep posting.
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Old 08-28-2019, 10:58 AM
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Welcome!
I can't tell you what to do but if I'm asking a question then there is probably something to what I'm asking about.
Example...When I was drinking and was married and getting my DUIs, I would ask myself, am I an alcoholic? I knew the answer but wouldn't admit it until I was ready.
Hope that made sense.
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Old 08-28-2019, 11:05 AM
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If you marry her, this is your life...wondering if she's drinking, not drinking, and when she is drinking, when she'll go off the rails. If you are happy with that, good luck.
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Old 08-28-2019, 11:14 AM
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Welcome to the family. It sounds like she's got a real problem. I'd rethink getting married. I hope she'll get help.
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Old 08-28-2019, 11:15 AM
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I hope you do your research on Alcoholism and attend Al-Anon meetings before enter into marriage. Alcoholics are addicts. Be prepared to be second in line to her love of alcohol.
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Old 08-28-2019, 11:21 AM
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It sounds to me like you have no trust in her. How can you have a relationship when there is no trust?
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Old 08-28-2019, 11:27 AM
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Originally Posted by fiance101 View Post
...When I first met her she had just come off a 3rd DUI, and had to be incarcerated for a year. .... She has told me that she is not an alcoholic....I have sincere doubts about how this relationship will end up.
You already have your answer, and you've already seen the end.


You might feel in your fifties like time is running out for relationships, but think about letting her work things out for herself, by herself without you, then come back in a year and see how she's doing.

Set her off on her own until, let's say, the World Series next year!
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Old 08-28-2019, 11:34 AM
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I personally did not drink until AFTER I got married.

I did have issues but so does eveyone.

I honestly didnt know I would start needing it.

I guess Im just saying there are no perfect people?

My ex husband was the drinker. I tried to be a perfect wife. Didnt happen.

At least you know what this is un advance of comittment. If you love her and feel shes worth it why no support?

Maybe some of the regulars here can answer that.

Is it not possible that can stop actively drinking?

Because then I have no hope
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Old 08-28-2019, 11:51 AM
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There are a lot of folks here with drinking issues, no matter what you call it.

I mean, those whose sooces did not leave them dint you think your parteners support was instrumental in your wanting to stay clean?

If we all walked out the door everytime a loved one got sick with anything tgere would be no love at all.

If sge just doesnt gice a sh*t and doesnt try to help herself thats one thing, but in my case I went to therapy, took meds...I did not WANT to drink.

My ex did and still does.
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Old 08-28-2019, 11:52 AM
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Originally Posted by ShiftHappens View Post
Is it not possible that can stop actively drinking?

Because then I have no hope
You already know the answer to this SH. Of course there is hope! But, no one can make her stop drinking just like no one can make you stop. I would like you to stop (see that kind of probably doesn't really make a difference to you does it?)

She has to want it for herself, just as you have to want it for yourself.

No one else controls that, that's an inside job.
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Old 08-28-2019, 11:57 AM
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Thats the only thing I DO know right now.

I knew I had a problem

I was getting help.
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Old 08-28-2019, 12:07 PM
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I apologize for typos, I am on my phone which is the only place I get internet

I would stop and start


My ex is Sicilian and came home every day with wine.


i knew he drank and never expected him to change.

I knew MY stuff was MY stuff.
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Old 08-28-2019, 12:11 PM
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Fiance, it could be very helpful for you to check out AlAnon meetings in your city, as a support for you.
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Old 08-28-2019, 12:12 PM
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How would you feel if she had sole charge of your children or grandchildren?

If there is no trust why bother ?

You cant cure her. Take a path that is less stressful
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Old 08-28-2019, 01:11 PM
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I can not tell you to stay or leave as that is none of my business.

I can tell you about my situation:

I was in a relationship and my partner tried to regulate my drinking which made me want to drink more
He would ignore my drinking so I would get wasted
He would try to control my drinking, which I did the opposite of his wanting.
I HAD TO WANT TO GET SOBER FOR ME!!!!!!
No one was going to change me, but me!
I had to want it.

When I got sober for me, I realized he was not for me. We split.

I am almost 2 years sober and the happiest I have ever been.

My point:
She has to want it and put in the work.
If you are there for support, that is great!

Blessings,
DC
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Old 08-28-2019, 01:20 PM
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Thank you for your post DC.

You were able to say what I was unable to say because I am all over the place
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Old 08-28-2019, 01:32 PM
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I think it is possible for someone to get one DUI, due to carelessness, a miscalculation or one bad decision, and not be a alcoholic. However anyone with three is almost certainly an alcoholic. The fact that she says she is not, and quite possibly truly believes it, simply reflects the nature of the disease - cunning, baffling and powerful, as we describe it.
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Old 08-28-2019, 01:53 PM
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Hello, fiance. I'm so glad you found us. I'm very sorry for the painful situation you find yourself in.

I was able to put on a very good act for many years. Eventually, drinking took me down to my knees - I ruined everything because I insisted on trying to manage it. Every time it was in my system it changed me. I became confrontational & defensive - the opposite of the real me. Remembering that alcoholism is a progressive disease, I wouldn't want to see you hurt by her inability to admit she's an alcoholic. All the signs and red flags are there. I hope she values her life & her future enough to stop the likely downward spiral that lies ahead.
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