PeacefulWater12

This is your addiction talking to you to try and keep you drinking. Putting you in victim mode. You can rise above this. All the best to you.

DriGuy

I think you are being unnecessarily hard on yourself. I'd bet that everyone here has struggled where you are now. Don't hate yourself. No one here hates you. You wasting some perfectly good hate. OK, that last thing was me being silly. I thought maybe it would cheer you up.

eve123

DriGuy

Another way to phrase this is that you hate yourself for your alcoholism. Falling off the wagon describes a major symptom of alcoholism. Even before I quit, I was falling off the wagon almost daily, because I always told myself in the morning that I wasn't going to drink that night. Every alcoholic suffers from this remorse of failure before he finally surrenders and quits. And that usually involves a lot of self hatred and horrible feelings of inadequacy.

So I can't fault you for self hatred. I've been there, and I think most of us have. Of course, this doesn't help much right now. But I can tell you that committing myself to abstinence for the rest of my life was what got me over the hump. That meant that I wasn't going to be experimenting after a year to see if I could drink reasonably. And you need to accept that this is the way it has to be. When you get to that point, things will start to improve.

You will still have battles to fight, and problems to solve, but without alcohol, the problems become smaller and the battles become easier. And the big one, those awful cravings, will diminish and eventually go away.

abgator

I think that's one good indication of knowing when you truly want to quit and get past the self loathing stage. Basically what I told my therapist. Why don't I call someone when I'm about to relapse? Because I didn't want anyone to talk me out of it. In the depressive state that was bad enough to make me fall off the wagon, I intentionally avoided the possibility that someone may keep me from having that drink to make me feel better.

I believe when you're truly ready, you'll make that call instead of avoid it. (or come online or whatever)

Dee74

self forgiveness and love will come with some sober time, Eve

D

nez

Don't hate yourself, hate your alcoholic behavior. Behavior is learned, it can be changed. Learn new behavior. Love yourself by practicing new behavior.

AnvilheadII

seize sobriety with enthusiasm and vigor.
remember when the soccer team got stuck in the cave in thailand? for 18 days? and then came the RESCUE?

many of the boys and their coach could not swim. the rescue divers had to teach them to swim, them put them in diving gear and start the 8 hour journey to the surface and freedom.

do you know how many resisted and refused to seize the opportunity to seek freedom from their captivity and have the chance to live?

none.

recovery offers the same path out. don't resist. listen to those who will teach you how to "swim" - listen to the instructions - don the safety garb provided, and get out of the cave. and never look back. embrace the help, be grateful for the help. and follow the lead rope OUT.

eve123

Awake61

Day 3 for me too, Eve. It's the hardest thing I have even done. Really working on not hating myself, even though that thought swarms over me at times. I'm here with you. Thank you for your posts.

leo21

Hi Eve, I'm no stranger to this forum, believe me. I've had more Day 1's than I can remember. However, I do use a couple techniques that help.

The acronym H.A.L.T is a self care tool that I use. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. When I'm feeling the voice or urge I try to remember to ask myself these questions and address them. It's not as simple as that, but some web surfing will explain it better than I can.

I also remember folks here said to "play the tape forward". Stop and acknowledge how you will feel after indulging and how it will affect your life. I play the tape forward as much as I can here recently as a reminder that it can easily be a circle of doom for me.

I also envision the cravings as waves and I'm on the surfboard riding them. They will come on strong, but that wave eventually dies down to a calm. It's only a few victories for me one at a time, but I have to cling to something.

Oh, and meetings - I chose a particular style of meetings but to each his own. Just know that the support here has no end, and that I can promise. I speak from experience.

Dee74

You really can make this your time Eve - think about all the things you could do for your recovery, and maybe pick a couple of those options? Build a foolproof plan

D