Just came to a shocking revelation
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 268
Just came to a shocking revelation
I will be 43 in August and literally just today concluded I am Asexual. Makes sense in hindsight, but really never crossed my mind. I thought my lack of sexual performance was due to my alcoholism and substance abuse, as well as anti-depressant meds.
I have been in 2 long term sexual relationships, however I always felt I was missing something that my Male friends had. Sex was good, but I didn't get what all the fuss was about. All that effort when I just could have masturbated?
Wow. I won't be sober for a few weeks. I really feel I have nothing to live for. I am actually not depressed at all. However, after losing everything else, I always thought I would meet the right woman and have someone to share my life with.
I very attracted to women and have romantic feelings. Unfortunately, my genitals don't respond. I would gladly be gay if I could.
42, single, unemployed, Adhd, Childhood emotional Neglect victim, alcoholic, bankrupt, asexual......
I don't think I want to suffer anymore
I have been in 2 long term sexual relationships, however I always felt I was missing something that my Male friends had. Sex was good, but I didn't get what all the fuss was about. All that effort when I just could have masturbated?
Wow. I won't be sober for a few weeks. I really feel I have nothing to live for. I am actually not depressed at all. However, after losing everything else, I always thought I would meet the right woman and have someone to share my life with.
I very attracted to women and have romantic feelings. Unfortunately, my genitals don't respond. I would gladly be gay if I could.
42, single, unemployed, Adhd, Childhood emotional Neglect victim, alcoholic, bankrupt, asexual......
I don't think I want to suffer anymore
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
You're going to continue drinking because you think you're asexual? Seems like a very weak excuse to me. I'm sure there's a lot of professionally diagnosed asexual people living happy and productive lives in the world.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 268
I have lost literally everything already. I have one pair of jeans. 2 pairs of shoes. I am literally unemployable. No one has come to visit me in years. No family around. Friends are busy with life. I don't see any way out
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I won't say much except I do relate very much to feeling hopeless. Helpless. Angry. Lonely. Victimized. Lost. All that. I'm guessing many of us do.
As far as being asexual. I don't have sex. What does that mean I am? Dunno. I'll figure that out if /when I have to. I don't judge anyone for their preferences or how they identify. Not my monkey, not my circus. All I have to concern myself with is my own issues.
Hang in there. You were put here for a reason. I believe that. But that reason is certainly not to find meaning in a bottle. There isn't any. And I believe that is your biggest concern right now....alcohol offers no solution and will drag you down as far as you let it.
As far as being asexual. I don't have sex. What does that mean I am? Dunno. I'll figure that out if /when I have to. I don't judge anyone for their preferences or how they identify. Not my monkey, not my circus. All I have to concern myself with is my own issues.
Hang in there. You were put here for a reason. I believe that. But that reason is certainly not to find meaning in a bottle. There isn't any. And I believe that is your biggest concern right now....alcohol offers no solution and will drag you down as far as you let it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: S.E. MI
Posts: 1,025
I've come to alot of conclusions about my health while I was drinking. Most of them were wrong. I dont know what being asexual is but you sure sound bitter about it. I'm not the best person to offer sympathy (not that you are asking for it) but I do know the bottle is even worse at it. Just like all other thoughts and feelings etc.... this feeling will pass and you will be back apologizing and feeling better and you will work through this. At least I sincerely hope so. My best wishes to ya there canuck76.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
Canuck. I read your post and didnt want to read and not reply even though I am not really sure what to say. I am not a counsellor and therefore all I can share is my own experience and also show some warmth and compassion from a fellow human being and fellow alcoholic.
It's really common to feel this way once the drink has been put down. You wanna know why you drank? Stop drinking and you'll soon find out! That's a great saying I heard and it is so true.
But, and I am talking from my own experience here, we can or i could, only deal with other stuff once we have/ I had some significant sober time behind us/me. I am 14 months now and I have had many what's the point moments but I continue on, one day at a time, putting my recovery first and using my recovering programme to accept where I am today and to believe better days and better things will come.
I dont know anything about being asexual. I am hetrosexual (I think!) however my whole sex life for the past 24 years has been based around being drunk. In the 14 months I have been sober I haven't been intimate with anyone. So hell, I don't even really know what I am or what I want or what I like. All I know is I dont want to drink as nothing is as bad as that hell that I was in when drinking
So from one fellow alkie to another, I want to give you a cyber hug and tell you worth it, hang in there, dont give up.
It's really common to feel this way once the drink has been put down. You wanna know why you drank? Stop drinking and you'll soon find out! That's a great saying I heard and it is so true.
But, and I am talking from my own experience here, we can or i could, only deal with other stuff once we have/ I had some significant sober time behind us/me. I am 14 months now and I have had many what's the point moments but I continue on, one day at a time, putting my recovery first and using my recovering programme to accept where I am today and to believe better days and better things will come.
I dont know anything about being asexual. I am hetrosexual (I think!) however my whole sex life for the past 24 years has been based around being drunk. In the 14 months I have been sober I haven't been intimate with anyone. So hell, I don't even really know what I am or what I want or what I like. All I know is I dont want to drink as nothing is as bad as that hell that I was in when drinking
So from one fellow alkie to another, I want to give you a cyber hug and tell you worth it, hang in there, dont give up.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,409
It’s not possible to come to any conclusions about yourself whilst you’re still drinking alcohol if you’re an alcoholic imo. Until the mind has chance to settle after a long period of sobriety and recovery then things tend to become clear, until then there may be a great deal of emotional/psychological imbalance.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 268
All I ever wanted was to fall in love with beautiful woman and raise a family.. Despite everything else that happened, that idea kept me going. My dating pool just went from 99 percent of the population, to 1 percent. This garbage about reaching out to my 1 percent community is not what I want to here. I don't want to sit around having coffee and insightful conversations. 43 years old. My life, as I hoped is done. I simply do not want to live life as an asexual. No sex. No connection. I have spent the last 9 Christmas' alone. I wanted my own family. I don't care about material thing's. I never really had a family growing up. For those who think I am weak. Watch your back!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Canuck, I don't think anyone has suggested that you were weak.
Clearly this is very upsetting for you and I understand that. Stopping drinking often brings things to the surface that we really didn't want to deal with. My suggestion would be to consider some type of counselling and/or talking to your doctor.
I'm really sorry that you feel so low right now.
Clearly this is very upsetting for you and I understand that. Stopping drinking often brings things to the surface that we really didn't want to deal with. My suggestion would be to consider some type of counselling and/or talking to your doctor.
I'm really sorry that you feel so low right now.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
How much sobriety have you had? Have you had sober sex? Lots of alcoholics haven’t.
I wouldn’t put a label like asexual on yourself until the alcoholic one has been dealt with. I’m not saying you aren’t asexual, you damn well could be.
But alcoholism destroys natural hormone patterns, suppresses gonadal function, changes your libido, affects how you see yourself as a sexual person, etc, etc, etc.
I’d go into my own history with this but I prefer not to. It’s a long, twisty, personal road, but I’ll sum it down to this: there is nothing about a person’s sexuality that is NOT affected by alcohol.
Before using your sexuality as a super convenient reason to drink, consider the fact that you really don’t know any truths about yourself until you put down that booze.
I wouldn’t put a label like asexual on yourself until the alcoholic one has been dealt with. I’m not saying you aren’t asexual, you damn well could be.
But alcoholism destroys natural hormone patterns, suppresses gonadal function, changes your libido, affects how you see yourself as a sexual person, etc, etc, etc.
I’d go into my own history with this but I prefer not to. It’s a long, twisty, personal road, but I’ll sum it down to this: there is nothing about a person’s sexuality that is NOT affected by alcohol.
Before using your sexuality as a super convenient reason to drink, consider the fact that you really don’t know any truths about yourself until you put down that booze.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I'm not sure what asexual is tbh.
but I do know that putting labels on ourselves or making things up or thinking we are x, y and z whilst still in active drinking isn't a good idea.
Of course we all want/wanted to meet the perfect guy/gal and get married and have children and live happily ever after but sadly it doesn't happen especially when still drinking.
Nothing will improve until we stop drinking and have some decent sober time like months/years.
At least be glad you are a man and CAN have children in 10/15 years time. Us women have no chance beyond mid 40s.
but I do know that putting labels on ourselves or making things up or thinking we are x, y and z whilst still in active drinking isn't a good idea.
Of course we all want/wanted to meet the perfect guy/gal and get married and have children and live happily ever after but sadly it doesn't happen especially when still drinking.
Nothing will improve until we stop drinking and have some decent sober time like months/years.
At least be glad you are a man and CAN have children in 10/15 years time. Us women have no chance beyond mid 40s.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 412
If you are attracted to women you are not asexual first of all. If you get sober build your life back up much more likely to meet a nice girl to spend your life with. What woman would want to date a broke drunk who is down on themselves. Sober up and you can rebuild your life man the only thing stopping you is you
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Canuck - I pm'd you a link to some information you might find helpful.
I hope you'll stay & keep posting. As Anna said, we're not judging you & thinking you're weak. Please don't give up on yourself.
I hope you'll stay & keep posting. As Anna said, we're not judging you & thinking you're weak. Please don't give up on yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 598
Many women would love to have a nice caring partner who is not interested in the bedroom side of things. Sex is less important than you think. But you first have to get to being that nice, stable, reliable, interesting and fun partner and that won’t happen drinking and feeling sorry for yourself.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi Canuck
I spent a lot of years drinking because I thought I'd never find a lasting relationship with a woman.
The irony of that is I found someone, and a lasting relationship - but only after I quit drinking....and sorted myself out a little, headwise.
There are relationships based on companionship in every city and in every neighbourhood - but man, I don't think thats what you really want - I think you might be mistaken on the asexual thing?
but man even if you are, there really is 'a lid for every pot' as my Gran used to say - you seem a decent thoughtful kind of guy who's come through some difficult things and is still standing
there's someone for everyone. I really believe that - if we can stop messing with our brain chemistry by drinking, and be prepared to love ourselves before we go and try love someone else.
If loving yourself is hard maybe a counsellor/therapist can help?
D
I spent a lot of years drinking because I thought I'd never find a lasting relationship with a woman.
The irony of that is I found someone, and a lasting relationship - but only after I quit drinking....and sorted myself out a little, headwise.
There are relationships based on companionship in every city and in every neighbourhood - but man, I don't think thats what you really want - I think you might be mistaken on the asexual thing?
but man even if you are, there really is 'a lid for every pot' as my Gran used to say - you seem a decent thoughtful kind of guy who's come through some difficult things and is still standing
there's someone for everyone. I really believe that - if we can stop messing with our brain chemistry by drinking, and be prepared to love ourselves before we go and try love someone else.
If loving yourself is hard maybe a counsellor/therapist can help?
D
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