LiveLikeGold6

When will I be strong enough to detach? My mom, sister, on again off again boyfriend who is like a dream guy to me (other than his rampant addiction and neglect) are all unhealthy for me and I know it.

I’ve given myself permission to detach from friends, my brother, and my stepdad but these last 3 are so hard.

Im afraid of the loneliness i know. But I’d be more stable and at ease if i just let go.

PeacefulWater12

I found as I worked on myself and became a bit more healthy in attitude and behaviours, quite a few people kind of faded out of my life on their own. As I was no longer enabling or giving them what they wanted from me, they just went.

animalnurse9

Agree with peaceful, the more I concentrated on healing myself in both body and soul the more those who didnt belong in my life filtered out. I just had to make healing a priority.

BrianK

I wonder whether real detachment is a conscious decision. I've noticed a couple relationships fade over the years as I've grown spiritually, but haven't been completely severed. They seem to have just found their equilibrium.

I sometimes kick myself after conversing with these people and then feeling like they took advantage of my patience and snuck in some unkind comments toward me and my beliefs. I feel like, "Darn, they got me again!" But then, I'm not approaching the initial interaction with resentment or seeking to "get my own shots in." I really would prefer things be totally amiable, if they could. But it takes two.

At the same time, if I were to completely cut these people off, I feel like I'd be doing it to serve my own pride so it could wave a trophy of, "See? I told you I don't need them!" They're not evil, after all. It's just that more interaction with them isn't always better, for either of us. Maybe someday it will be. I hope so. I'd rather have positive relationships than negative ones.

And at least I know that as long as I'm working on my own issues, I'm offering to them the most positive example I can. And time apart let's me reflect and see with newer eyes that these people do have some positive qualities, which helps me reflect on my own resentful nature and try to see the whole picture.

My response is kinda vague, I know, but just some general thoughts that helped me relate to your situation. Hope it's at least a little helpful

Dee74

Anna always says something like when she let toxic people go from her life that made room for good kind supportive souls.

I believe that too

We get the people around us we deserve - in the good way

D

August252015

My thoughts here. The day I quit, I asked one of my biggest enablers, a former/sometime/etc bf, to not have any contact with me. It was crucial. He respected that completely and eventually - as in here in my 4th yr- I made amends to him. But by now, understanding and accepting that this relationship was not just detached, but over.

Other than that, it was a process of untangling my enmeshed, dysfunctional, loving but not healthy and so on relationships with some people. I had to do it slowly. Those were the people I wanted to keep in my life, needed to repair and make amends to and with and so on.

I didn't exactly experience the fade as I removed myself from the people and places and practices I had made in my drinking life. I gradually sought out the positive souls who would be supportive and glad to have me back.

I had to accept that self-care and the true right I had to set boundaries was critical to my emotional sobriety, and how to do it.

I've learned how to do all that- yet in my sober life, had to detach from some friends, even in the program! It's easier now, for the most part, but my mind still questions or worries or gets tangled up sometimes.

We have to learn all this and I promise we can.

DriGuy

You need to be healthy to be strong. We will detach when we are healthy, but you can start working on both at the same time.

It's widely recognized that many women (and men) are drawn to partners that cause more sorrow than joy. There is something exciting about the "bad boy" or the "bad girl." Such relationships are hopefully short lived. When they are not, we can end up in unsatisfying relationships at best, or toxic and dangerous at worst. It can become a habitual lifestyle. And we see many people go from one bad relationship to another, and we wonder, "Why?"

Humans do really stupid things, and I can say that with a certain amount of love and appreciation, because I've been there myself. I'm not a uninvolved observer. I've done my share of stupid.

LiveLikeGold6

I appreciate you all soo much.