ConfusedGuy

I wake up. Another drunken night. Last week I had 2 nights without alcohol but it was so hard. i was going to mak 3 nights, I had so much encouragement on this forum and I really did try and for a while I was so positive and I was thinking 'it is not just me who is like this'.
and as the withdrawals began to sunside, the craving kicked in, I started again. Memories for the last two days are coming back and my heart sinks. I try to remember all the gaps and I am not a bad person but part of me would like to sleep and just never wake up again. I am so sick of this. I truly am. Alcohol is killing me slowly, by blows.
This morning I feel terrible. But that is usual in my life, last week I got the strength to post here - for me this was a big thing, and people were so nice, and I stayed logged in all the time so I felt I was not alone, I am so sorry. I want to try again. I really do, but I find it so hard to stay sober, it seems like it is insane, how can this stuff have such power over me.
I read other people's posts. They seem to live without alcohol and be happy but I am beginning to think that it is impossible for me. I know I just need to be strong but when I am 'detoxing' after a couple of days I want to scream, and I feel crazy.
If I don't try again now, then I don't know if I ever get the courage to post here again.
I think that maybe I am alcoholic. I dont like this word but I am coming to understand - by reading so much here in the precious 2 nights I had without alcohol. And I want to try again so bad, I really do. But I do not know if I can make 3 nights this time.
I am sorry for such a long and rambling post. But I feel so increasingly desperate, like my life is going over a cliff or something, out of control. And guilty that I should be like this, why can I not stop more than a couple of nights ? I was feeling so positive, and so much help here, and now I am so empty and alone and desperate.
Ok, so this is day 1 again starts here, I am SO scared of what I might do but there is no real choice. When I think that my drinking never used to be like this, what happened? - so many questions.

Dee74

Hi ConfusedGuy

this getting sober stuff is not easy - but drinking again every couple of days makes it much much harder....

I knew that I couldn't drink again.
I had to take that option off the table because it was no longer viable.

I would come here and post instead - not only asking for help for myself but giving help to others too - and every time I was able to keep the urge at bay.

Was it easy - no - I was not used to discomfort.

I used to drink that away - and not drinking made me very uncomfortable indeed - but it was possible....

and it got easier with time

You have to have faith that even tho not drinking makes you feel bad right now, it's the only way out of hell.

D

wildflower70

Yep, like Dee has said you've got to go through the discomfort to feel better! I had a hard time too, staying clean for 3 days used to feel like torture. It was everywhere, the grocery store, the restaurants, my neighbors backyard gatherings,,,,everywhere! How do we escape it?

Look that booze straight on and see it for what it really is...POISON.
It's a toxic poison, for your body, mind, and soul. The first week will be hard, confusing, frustrating, and even a little heart breaking. You are letting go of something that used to bring you joy. Until it doesn't.

You can do this, take from the many of us who were in your very shoes! Hang in there, you've got to go through hell, to get to heaven.

least

It's hard at first to stay sober but you've got to get thru the rough times before it gets better. Have faith and try again, and this time, don't drink no matter what!

Ghostlight1

Hello.
I am an alcoholic. It took me a long time to admit that. Who wants to be called an alcoholic?
But the way I drank there is no escaping it. I am an alcoholic, I cannot control my drinking.
I so relate to your post. Now, imagine living like you are now for twenty years.
That was me. That is until the drinking became every day.
My life the last ten years of my drinking were a waking nightmare.
I couldn't drink, and I couldn't not drink. Plain and simple, I was a full-blown drunk.
I lost every thing. Was homeless. Sold anything I had of value to buy booze.
Slept on friends couches, so luckily I wasn't in the street.

I'm telling you my story in the hope you can relate. Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive and relapsing disease. And I went through it all.
See my tag line at the bottom of this post? It's true, and the gutter fed on me.

It's been ten years now since this drunk has had a drink of alcohol.
You can do it, too. I know you can. I believe in you. I believe the human spirit can overcome anything.
But it may take effort. It may take great effort. But you can do it.
And we can help. So can AA or another program of recovery.

I feel for you. I know what you're going through because I've been there.
You are not alone.
Try to stop. Keep trying. The only failure is giving up.
Are you willing to go to any length to get sober? If so, you are ready.
I didn't have another drunk in me when I quit. Alcohol won. I was beat.

Please don't sink as low as low as I did. It was a very bad place.
Save yourself the misery and stop now.
We're all here for you.

Gottalife

Whenever alcohol was in my system I found myself in the grip of craving beyond my mental ability to control. My benders usually lasted two or three days until I either ran out of money or got too sick to continue. Then they would start again in a day or two once those two obstacles had been overcome.

In detox, it takes about 5 days to get all the alcohol out of one's system, so that craving was active the whole time. The breaks came about because I was too sick or broke to continue. In that situation it is extremely difficult if not impossible to break the cycle without some kind of support like in-patient detox or hospitalisation.

A medically supervised detox may be something that would help you get past the craving and give you a fighting chance of sucess with some kind of recovery program.

snitch

You are not a bad person. You are sick. You have a deadly progressive disease called alcoholism.

Acceptance is the answer. You HAVE to accept that you are alcoholic and that you have this disease just as someone who is a diabetic has diabetes. This is a LIFE or DEATH illness.

Insane means your mind is not whole. When I am insane I think drinking is a good idea. Despite all the evidence to the contrary I think it is is ok to have one drink. I NEED to be restored to sanity. To have my mind complete. So I don't pick up that drink. How am I restored to sanity? I pray to my Highter Power. Please HP do not let me pick up that drink!!!! No matter what!!!!! When I am sane I can take ACTION. I can call another alcoholic, go to a meeting, post on sober Recovery or whatever else it takes to avert my mind and stop the obsession taking over.

I wanted to crawl out of my skin in the early days/weeks even months. I had never ever, in 20 years, not acted on my thoughts of drinking. I just picked up. I had no mental defence whatsoever. I had never had to deal with any feelings of any kind because I ALWAYS drank on them. It was new and it was so so uncomfortable I felt like I didn't know what to do with myself. So I prayed . I took big deep breaths (I sometimes felt like I was hyper ventilating l!!) I ate a LOT of candy! I had to take it day by day, sometimes hour by hour. And you know what? It worked! All those moments of uncomfortable and pain paid off. I am 11 months sober and even last night I had a real strong urge to have a drink but I now I KNOW it would pass and it did.

The mental obsession to drink, especially in the early days is strong. It is VITAL for you to have a DEFENCE against picking up that first drink. My first defence is my Higher Power. I am in AA and hey, don't knock it, it's worked for me lol!!!!

I will never be cured of alcoholism. Alcoholism centres in my mind and for me I need a daily programme (the 12 steps) so that I can live my life without my old crutch. I have up and down days yesterday was a down day but it's ok, cos I got through it and got my head on my pillow sober and that is my PRIMARY purpose. To stay sober!!! But I would say that yes I am generally happy. Life is a million times better sober. I never EVER thought me, snitch the party girl (until I wasn't) could ever have lived life without alcohol but I AM and it's good! I feel my feelings now and yes that can be uncomfy but when I laugh I proper belly laugh, real joy, I have moments of real peace and serenity and well real happiness. I NEVER had any of that when I was drinking. At all!!

The great thing is you are WILLING. Willingness is the key. Acceptance is the answer. Be open! Open to anything and everything. Every suggestion. This is your life you are fighting for. I believe in you!

ConfusedGuy

Thank you for replies. It helps to know I am not alone. I so desperately want to stop. I really do. I have already lost a lot in my personal life, luckily I managed to keep working although I have lost jobs in past, because alcohol meant having time off, under-performing, etc.
Now it is like the drinking isn't even fun anymore. It is obsessive and depressing and it feels like it is accelerating. My thoughts have become darker, the drinking is often alone in a bar, and all the stuff that happens when you try talk rubbish to complete strangers.
I have to believe I can stop. But I am really terrified that I will do this again - like I have been doing all my life - it feels like I don't have a choice and I cannot let myself believe that. I think what a waste my life has been, just a continuous round of drinking, and chaos, lost relationships, jobs, changing countries. I think the lights went out years ago. And it is getting worse, people always telling me to 'cheer up' and saying I look tired. Sometimes I feel I am just tired of life now, but I'm not ready to give up so I carry on fighting while I think that there is still some hope. Its 08:22 here, almost no sleep. My nerves are on edge. I realise that I cannot honestly remember the last time I felt happy. Alcohol isn't giving that any more.
So I WILL hang in here. At least I have the weekend before work. I really hope to get 2 days sober before work again.

snitch

Yep hang in there. I remember those first days. My last binge was so hideous, it lasted 10 days and I was using xanax too. The withdrawals were aahorrendous. I it took me about a good week to even start feeling better and another week to start feeling normal ish. Just get thiugh the day as best as you can. And get your head on the pillow at night sober. It really helped me to go to bed early every night.

Kaily

Hi Confused Guy

Try not to be too hard on yourself. You tried but didn't make it this time, that doesn't mean you won't succeed next time.

Keep reading, keep posting and most importantly of all keep trying.

None of us learn't to walk at the first attempt, view sobriety in the same way, step by tiny step.

ConfusedGuy

I just poured bath, got in, relaxed. Next I am coughing and choking because I must have fainted or something so that was not a good idea. So I sat on edge of bath and then I just broke down. I dont believe in god and this sounds stupid to me, but I just found myself asking, begging for help from something I dont believe in. But just for a very brief moment I felt a peace. And then all the bad stuff and worries in my head are back. And maybe I will try to find some AA, next week because so many people here are saying that it helps.

Dee74

do you think it's a good idea to get checked out CG or are you just tired and fell asleep in the bath?

D

NicLin

I am in the same boat. Day 1 for me again...drank for 3 days in a row to numb the pain of finalizing my divorce papers. But I would have been able to handle the pain much better if I was sober.

I hope you stick with it, and go to a meeting, they really do help if you open yourself.

ConfusedGuy

I think I was just tired. I will go and try get some sleep on the sofa soon because I really dont like sleeping in the bedroom. But when I am like this sleep is fitful and bad dreams and stuff, so it's not good.

And NicLin - please please hang in there! My last drink must have been about 7 hours ago, it is 09:48 now. I will get through today and tonight and so can you. And tomorrow I will post 1 day sober.

EndGameNYC

Please forgive me. I needed to write things down tonight.

Two times in my life, separated by twenty-five, years, I lost everything. The second time around, while I was still drinking, I accepted that I was slowly killing myself and that dying seemed to be what I wanted. I swore that I could feel my body rotting on the inside. I had no motivation to do anything, and I didn't seem to care. I was sick for most of the three years in which I decided to get drunk again.

But like so many other alcoholics, I didn't scare easily. Reciting all the bad things that had and would happen to me just became part of my daily routine. But it never moved me to change. I didn't have an Aha! moment or what I would have considered a spiritual awakening. I never tried to stop, promised anyone that I would stop, or made plans to stop. My near complete inability to care for myself, to function, to get out of bed without feeling exhausted in less than five seconds made the decision for me.

It took getting sober for me to appreciate the things that were once meaningful to me and some things that never were. I've rarely known what I want until I get there, until I do it, until I take risks that could leave me disappointed in the extreme, but that could never kill me.

Before I could have confidence in believing that I knew anything of significance about myself and my life, before I could trust myself and my judgment, before I could again start living a life that meant something to me, a life that made it increasingly difficult for me start drinking again, I needed to get sober. Everything else about how I would do it, thinking about how I got this way (which I almost never do), or choosing between taking a dangerous risk vs just staying sober...all of that was nothing more than procrastination. That was my personal awakening. There was no wedding, no graduation, no funeral, no reunion, no birthday party, and no once-in-a-lifetime event that was more valuable than my sobriety.

I stopped listening to my own BS and to my negative predictions, predictions that made it seem easier for me to drink. I needed to disabuse myself of the illusions I created about who I was and how I engaged the rest of the world. It took time, hard work, and, at times, it resulted in heartache. But I learned to adjust and that there are few things worse than being a drunk.

What was inevitable for me was that I was either going to die drinking or I was going to start a new life. From my perspective, seven-and-a-half years later, the choice now seems so simple, and it has for a long time.

I've never been a tips-and-tricks guy, but I did learn how to navigate my way through difficult times in sobriety, but only with the help of other people who had also made their way through what is a tremendous challenge. You type on your Match.com profile that you love challenges, you're in a club that has one of the most difficult to endure and then to incorporate into your life. And it's not going anywhere anytime soon. I don't believe that we're built to endure something like this on our own, to learn a whole new way of living while discarding that which could have killed us. And I wouldn't recommend doing it alone.

Everyone wants some version of happiness, a sense of accomplishment, to love and be loved, or to learn something valuable about ourselves through the process of suffering. We are much more alike than otherwise. None of the things I've listed happens or is available to us when we're drinking at any time in our lives. And, for me, if one of those states of grace makes its way through, I'll find a way to either destroy it or use it against myself.

I've been living in one of the most exciting episodes of my life. Getting older, you tend to lose people to illness, death, retirement that includes moving away, and things in your own life that are no longer available to you. People retire and disappear. There is and continues to be serious illness within my family and among a couple of my friends. I'm grateful that I can be present for them this time around. But all of this can be daunting at times. So I remind myself that there are also experiences I can have and appreciate in a different way because of my experiences leading up to this very moment. And that's what I do; that's my adventure.

I'm sixty-three years old, and haven't given a second thought as to how people might think or say about since I was about forty. I've become increasingly comfortable in not having taken the path that the majority of my peers, baby boomers did...Graduate from college, get married, but a house in the suburbs, a couple of automobiles and have a couple of kids. Become preoccupied with money, pensions, and whether or not you save enough tends of thousands of dollars to put their kids through school.

Among much else, my lifestyle and choice of work have allowed me to work with people who do some great work in neuropsychiatry, molecular biology, genetics, Alzheimer's and other dementias, and severe psychopathology. To say nothing of juggling. Or Halo. My work is challenging, and I like what I do.

I found out what I needed to find out only after getting sober. Nothing happens before we get sober, and very little can. No one could have tempted me to get sober by describing all the terrible things that happened to them and happened to people they knew. I'd been through so many despairing episodes in my drunken life already. Telling me how great life could become was even worse. I'd grown to become irredeemably cynical during my drinking. I was tired, without spirit, and not interested in lifting a finger. If anything was going to change, to get different, to grow and progress, I needed to get sober. Everything else represented cheap props arranged in my head in the service of protecting my from putting down the drink.

It might be helpful to remind yourself that whatever it is planning or thinking about in a given is likely to contribute to what happens next, rather than, according to the title you chose for your thread. As written, it carries a conclusion that, in the form of a question, states that you cannot do this. You assume that you can't do this (stay sober), so why not drink? When you drink, you give yourself additional evidence that you cannot get sober. So you drink again. If it were me, I'd lose that destructive dance and try to do something different.

Canuck76

I see a lot of myself in you ConfusedGuy. I only just finished day 4 and just focusing all my energy on not picking up a drink. I have lost everything. Multiple jobs, multiple relationships, material possessions. 15 years of alcoholism and counting. I would just drink myself to death if I were 20 years older, but at 42, I think there is still time to turn things around. So I keep trying. Just keep trying until it sticks. That's all we can do.

MantaLady

You can do this CG, don’t measure yourself on how many times you fall but by how many times you get back up. You’re giving it another go and that takes a heck of a lot of strength and courage so please be kind to yourself. I spent my life savings and put myself in a rehab in a different country because every time the feelings got to much I drank and just couldn’t seem to stay sober with any consistency. I’d get a week and then have an almighty binge and the cycle continues, I felt hopeless and powerless to jump off the merry go round.

The good thing for me about rehab was that when those uncomfortable feelings hit I couldn’t get alcohol, I had no choice but to ride through it. Some days I was really angry and upset and I wanted to scream, I just wanted to stop feeling the way I did and I couldn’t use alcohol to stop it. The biggest lesson I learned was that I could go through these feelings and frustrations and survive them, they passed and didn’t kill me. I am now 10 months sober, if you had asked me 10 months ago if I would be here I wouldn’t have believed it for a minute. But I am and it wasn’t easy, and some days are still tough but I have enough time under my belt now to know with every fibre of my being thatI will fight with everything I have to remain sober rather than go back to who and what I was.

Keep fighting CG, sobriety is worth the pain to get there and you can do this. Take it one day at a time, post here for support, go to some AA meetings, read up on addiction reach out when you are struggling. All the best and be strong xx

ConfusedGuy

EndGameNYC - Some of the things you say ring true - all the things I used to like to do, all of them - I long ago lost all interest - It took getting sober for me to appreciate the things that were once meaningful to me - and my work is simply about getting money, any passion has long died. And yes - I must believe I can do this (get sober) or I have no chance. Also what you said about your peers - I never wanted these things, when I was a kid I was rebellious. I went to university only because it was expected - not because I wanted. But even then I had to force myself to keep drink under control. And then in the grown-up world I never felt authentic, I coped with drinking and lived off my own ability rather than hard work. Other people 'settled down' - I never did - Instead I had chaotic relationships, changed jobs and places often. And here I am now. Jaded, souless and viewing my existence as pointless. So I WILL get sober because I have not lost hope yet, also I think that you are saying that I am convincing myself I cannot do this ? - I had not thought of it this way. Maybe you are right.

ConfusedGuy

MantaLady - I dont know anything about rehab. I have heard of them, of course, and I can maybe look. But I am in a country where it is unlikely that such things would exist. So this would mean giving up my work, probably exhaust my savings (I guess they are expensive?) and probably leave me with no home. I will likely lose these things anyway if I cannot stop. But I will look into this over this weekend because I have to do whatever is necessary to get Sober.

Guener

How I ended up feeling in the last days of drinking included so much of what you describe, CG, and it is a devastating place to be. When the passion for alcohol replaces things in your life that are meaningful and that bring you happiness, it's time to understand that something has to change. So, what can you do?

How that occurs can be different for each of us, and it may be a difficult number of days ahead for you. You can estimate if you think you need an in-patient detox or not, you can take another route, but you have to choose what is going to make things effective. I have done pretty much all of the things available to quit, and each of them was helpful to me in some way. So, begin again with a plan that is strong enough to suit how you are going to see you through the next few days: you mentioned going to some meetings, and that is a good measure up from what you have done so far. If you are concerned about your health in a significant way, seeing a doctor can be reassuring, too. (I would mention that you are trying to quit drinking when/if you do that.)

You're not going to be judged here for relapsing into the drink, you're just going to receive more feedback and support. You feel uneasy in your skin, I know what that means. Try to get as much rest as you can now and let your mind take a break, too.