Notices

Why can I not stop this insanity. Day 1 again.

Old 04-06-2019, 01:26 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Member
 
Callas's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 598
I am also in a similar situation CG. It was the constant withdrawal that pushed me to attempt stopping, not the hundreds of times I made a complete fool of myself. Every day is a struggle, but somehow even in these early stages less of a struggle than dealing with withdrawal, extreme anxiety and confusion. I wish you success as I do myself.
Callas is offline  
Old 04-06-2019, 02:00 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,058
Welcome to SR Callas

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 04-06-2019, 02:14 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
ConfusedGuy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: SPb Russia
Posts: 184
I have taken advice given here to create a plan for the next few days. Luckily I have enough food in the cupboards. Any other suggestions would be good.

- Get as much sleep as possible.
- Watch movies even if I cannot concentrate it is better then being silent.
- Maybe listen to nice music on headphones.
- Try to eat simple food later.
- Drink plenty of water
- Keep busy - wash and dry clothes and stuff
- Clean my kitchen.
- Make calendar on wall so I can tick off days sober.
- Freshen up bedroom, clean sheets etc. so maybe I want to sleep there.
- pay utility bills and transfer rest to my home country - so I do not have
money to drink.
- Try to contact AA
- Look at if rehab is possible
- Keep logged in this forum


Thanking everyone here.
ConfusedGuy is offline  
Old 04-06-2019, 02:19 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
ConfusedGuy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: SPb Russia
Posts: 184
Hi Callas ! I also wish you success too. Reading posts on forum and posting is what I have been told to do.
ConfusedGuy is offline  
Old 04-06-2019, 03:32 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Member
 
Canuck76's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 268
In your first post you wrote "I think maybe I am an alcoholic". You are not sure if you are an alcoholic? Seriously? That is some strong denial. You must accept the fact that, yes, you are an alcoholic. Without a doubt.
Canuck76 is offline  
Old 04-06-2019, 03:43 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
ConfusedGuy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: SPb Russia
Posts: 184
Canuck - Yes, I understand this now - I suppose I had an idea of what I maybe thought an alcoholic was, I did not associate my crazy behaviour, the bar-room lies, etc. etc. - until other people here say that they also do this. I suppose I thought it was maybe just trying to find why I did this and stop it. I'm not sure quite what I thought alcoholic was. I now understand that all this insanity is part of being alcoholic. I can accept this now. I am an alcoholic. But a little part of me is still saying 'really?' But yes, I am not going to shout this out, but I accept this now. The shame is not there. And I am now over 10 hours without a drink. I have pinned a piece of paper to the wall with the days until end of April. I will deal with each day and then draw a line to it, and add 1 to the total. I think it will help.
ConfusedGuy is offline  
Old 04-06-2019, 03:53 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Friendly Folk
 
ChloeRose63's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,642
You can't just think it. You have got to know it. One drink is too many and 1000 is never enough. Alcoholics cannot drink normally. Our brains are not wired to handle alcohol in moderation. It will kill us. The more you learn the more you will know about recovery. It is progressive. Stop now.
ChloeRose63 is offline  
Old 04-06-2019, 03:57 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Member
 
Canuck76's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 268
I am a compulsive liar when I drink. I never used to be, but that was before I lost my career, my car, my apartment, and girlfriend. I lie as a defense mechanism to hide the true extent of alcoholism and how far I have fallen. Show me an alcoholic and I'll show you a liar. It comes down to great shame I feel about being a drunk. Although, hearing people speak in AA has been helping me get over the shame. I am making progress as far as forgiving myself. Either that or I just don't care about it anymore.
Canuck76 is offline  
Old 04-06-2019, 08:07 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Member
 
wildflower70's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,189
CG,

Look in the mirror every 10 mins if you have to, and say to yourself "I CAN DO THIS"

We know you can quit, now it's time to convince yourself!!

Keep posting, we can help you get to the other side
wildflower70 is offline  
Old 04-06-2019, 08:53 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 97
To all here recently sober, the next few days, as you know, will be disorganized and uncomfortable. But do not worry about that. A room full of bouncing ping pong balls takes a bit to settle. Just revel in the clear head and the knowledge that this is the last time you have to feel like this. ConfusedGuy I think it is around 9 p.m. where you are? How are things this evening?
Broncosys is offline  
Old 04-06-2019, 09:32 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Member
 
Eddiebuckle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
ConfusedGuy, what you are experiencing is actually pretty common. Some folks can stop on their own, but others cannot. You probably know this, but it bears repeating... alcoholism is progressive, and the more you drink the harder it becomes to quit.

If you truly cannot quit on your own, you probably need inpatient treatment. I understand that is a big commitment in time and money (I went to a six week program, but came very close to bailing) - but it is not an exaggeration to say that arguments that "I can't take that much time from work" or "I can't spend that kind of money" are basically arguments that your job or savings are more important than your survival.

We in recovery talk a lot about powerlessness. Yes - we are powerless over alcohol once we consume it - but we are not powerless over how we respond to our disease when we are basically sober. I say basically because at the end, I probably always had some amount of alcohol in my system.

So CG, the ball is in your court. Do you want to get sober and are willing to go to any length to get it? Until you can honestly and permanently answer 'Yes', your past week is as good as the rest of your life will ever be.
Eddiebuckle is offline  
Old 04-06-2019, 10:32 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
ConfusedGuy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: SPb Russia
Posts: 184
I am going to do what I must do to get free of this. If I can get through a few days without picking up a drink, and planning my days ahead without drink, then ok. maybe I dont need inpatient. I will seek a doctor after one week I think, and take things from there. So yes, if I cant stop I will lose everything anyway.
It is now 20:20 here - thanks for asking Broncosys. Been sleeping in little bits today, feel physically not good, got pains, aches and no energy. Dizzy spells, heart was pumping mad at one point when I layed down i could feel it so could not rest. But I at 03:00 tomorrow I can say I have 1 day. Started watching a video someone posted but it just making me more worried about my health and honestly I cannot concentrate much right now, so it is just like background noice. But I guess everyone goes through this. Really glad for this forum right now.
ConfusedGuy is offline  
Old 04-06-2019, 10:43 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
EndGame
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by ConfusedGuy View Post
I have taken advice given here to create a plan for the next few days. Luckily I have enough food in the cupboards. Any other suggestions would be good.

- Get as much sleep as possible.
- Watch movies even if I cannot concentrate it is better then being silent.
- Maybe listen to nice music on headphones.
- Try to eat simple food later.
- Drink plenty of water
- Keep busy - wash and dry clothes and stuff
- Clean my kitchen.
- Make calendar on wall so I can tick off days sober.
- Freshen up bedroom, clean sheets etc. so maybe I want to sleep there.
- pay utility bills and transfer rest to my home country - so I do not have
money to drink.
- Try to contact AA
- Look at if rehab is possible
- Keep logged in this forum


Thanking everyone here.
Your list is admirable ConfusedGuy. And perhaps a little bit overwhelming.

I've seen people write pages-long lists here and then either disappear, continue to struggle, or get worse. In a very real way, how people go about getting sober is none of my business. Beyond crippling despair and a genuine inability to function, I cannot tell you how I stopped drinking. You may get something out of my retelling of how I stay stopped, but I don't know that the information would make any difference.

There is no single item on your list that will get you in trouble. It includes things that many people do every day as a matter of course, to keep up with living our lives. But consider that the kind of list that you posted may also be rife with potential failure. As human beings do, we may skip some of our self-appointed tasks, dismiss or devalue one or more of them over time, or just stop doing them altogether.

Creating lists can also make us vulnerable, if not also attracted to, a state of mind that confuses activity or over-activity with making progress. This can be a fatal mistake that prevents us from getting sober over a possibly longer period of time than otherwise. Getting up and doing something, anything, besides sitting around and brooding, sitting alone in the dark or in front of an anxiety-provoking TV, or drinking can be a temporary game-changer. But doing so seems to require that we continue to build on our experience. After all, most of us have never lived a sober life with long-term consequences. For me to have assumed that I knew how to do that was a red flag for me (but not right away) that I didn't know what I was doing.

The last two items on your list, "Try to contact AA" and "Look at if rehab is possible" are concerning because, well, they're the last two items on your list. It's as easy to contact AA as it is to order batteries from Amazon. If "trying" refers to a kind of emotional or mental resistance, now you know what you're up against. Resistance is pain; a stalling tactic that uniformly makes things worse.

I learned that it wasn't as important where I got help as much as it was that I reached out for it. Decades of research support the reality that the very act of asking for help -- from real people -- is itself a transformative experience. But the next step after that is crucial: What it is that you do and how rapidly you do it. I don't know about you, but I earned an honorary PhD while I was drinking in talking myself out of doing things that might have changed my life for the better, sometimes dramatically so, because those things also often scared me, were different than what I was used to doing, or seemed to be too much effort for what I projected they were worth. They made me uncomfortable, an insidious version of underlying terror for me. Destructive procrastination leads to irredeemable regret.

You'll do the best you can do. Recruiting the help and support that I needed -- something that terrified me and that I had sworn not to do, ever, long before I put down the drink -- made all the difference, both while I was getting sober and for a long time afterwards.

Our bodies are built remind us of what our hearts are missing. Some people read or hear things about reaching out for help with real people, and experience a chill or a shudder -- or even an eye roll -- if they've not been asking for help while also continuing on a downward spiral. I've seen people withdraw, disappear, or become enraged in response to the suggestion. The only thing you have to lose is your isolation, your unmanageable life, and your fear.
EndGameNYC is offline  
Old 04-06-2019, 10:43 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
Originally Posted by ConfusedGuy View Post
So I sat on edge of bath and then I just broke down. I dont believe in god and this sounds stupid to me, but I just found myself asking, begging for help from something I dont believe in. But just for a very brief moment I felt a peace. And then all the bad stuff and worries in my head are back.
THIS ☝️☝️☝️☝️

It doesn't have to be God. could be the universe? The sun, moon, stars? Anything really. Just put it out there. You felt the peace yourself. I find a peace every time I do this. For me (and I can only talk about my experience no one else's) for me , I was in a desperate enough state to just beg God (I had a childish belief in God) to help me. To let me live. To keep me sober. I turn so much over to my HP now and it brings me so much peace especially over situations I have zero control over. And I had zero control over alcohol. I would strongly suggest getting to an AA meeting for the face to face support. Please keep in mind AA is a spiritual programme not a religious one.

Are you willing to go to any lengths to stop drinking and get your life back????
snitch is offline  
Old 04-06-2019, 12:29 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
Life Goes On
 
Obladi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hi Guy,

I'm so glad to see that you've come back here. That takes a lot of determination, and I admire you for it. I would really like to say something useful to you, and the best I can come up with is to share my own experience in the hope that it helps.

27 days ago, after many years of struggling with my alcohol addiction, I was beat. I hated waking up weekday mornings because I'd have to struggle through another day of stomach pains, shakiness, worry that people would call me out on my crap, followed by resignation to the fact that I would drink again that same night. I'd already been through counseling, outpatient rehab, detox, hospitalization, inpatient rehab, and an imposed three months' leave from work. Still, I had continued on for another two years. It seemed that it would be impossible for me to quit, but it was assuredly impossible to carry on.

27 days ago, I decided that I had to quit. I would taper off on that Monday and Tuesday I would be done. I failed on Monday and wound up drinking even more than my usual weekday amount. On Tuesday, I made a deal with my therapist that if I could not taper off that very day, I would have to be admitted inpatient again.

25 days ago, I was done. Well and truly done. I knew all along that the answer to my drinking problem was to simply stop drinking. But there was nothing simple about it - everything wrong in my life was tangled up in a messy knot. I finally came to a profound belief and understanding that the only way out was to separate the alcoholic strand from that knotty mess of my life. People here and everywhere had told me over and over that not only must it be done, it could be done. I realized that my addiction had convinced me that it was too hard. I (it!) was too ashamed to have to leave work again for treatment. It had me trapped. But the very simple truth that all it took was to not drink finally finally sunk in. And so that's what I've done.

Every thing you are feeling now is "normal" for people like us. We all know you can do this. If you don't feel confident enough in your own belief, believe the people here who are telling you that you can do it. As I was told years ago, there is no reason not to set your confidence level to an arbitrary 100% - you can Do This.

Like EndGame, I think you've made a good list and would second his advice to be cautious of taking on too much lest you find yourself feeling like a failure for not having done it all. Make a goal to cross at least one thing, no matter how small, off the list each day. Soon you will find yourself doing more just because you've set yourself in motion.

I think phoning AA is a great first thing to do. It couldn't hurt, right? And I would suggest that you think about doing a thorough cleaning and rearranging of your bedroom. I think it would lift your spirits and help you to be able to return to that place for true respite.

Don't do what I did. Stick with this now and I promise you will never regret it.

O
Obladi is offline  
Old 04-06-2019, 03:27 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
Member
 
tomsteve's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
i had a problem with considering myself an alcoholic when i was drinking because of shame.
after i started living in the solution i became ok with considering myself an alcoholic because i was living in the solution-there was no more shame.

early on in recovery i didnt have a problem with not drinking because of the misery. once the mental fog wore off was when the rubber hit the road- the mental obsession came on strong.
in other words- get into action NOW with
- Try to contact AA( might want to do more than TRY and just do it. then get to a meeting. find the big book online and read it to find out what the program of AA is about,too.)
- Look at if rehab is possible(youre already talking yourself out of that)

also look into IOP.
you wont be able to fix your thinking with your thinking and theres nothing wrong with getting outside help.
tomsteve is offline  
Old 04-06-2019, 04:17 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
Member
 
Guener's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
When I first started to take stopping drinking seriously, I found that I needed to take it pretty easy on myself to avoid becoming overly anxious of the whole idea of doing the things I know that I could do.

For me, AA meetings in the beginning, a couple times a day (before and after work) were a strong part of getting my mind set in the notion that I was doing something and feeling connected to people in recovery. I didn't do much more than just go and listen. I did this for months, almost a year, in fact, and as time when forward I shared and listened some more. My recovery path changed but it was a foundation that I still have as part of my experience and was something I can recommend.

It's important to have your plan and options available to you to keep from picking up. Don't, however, feel that you need to do everything all the time if it's going to make you feel like it's just too much to put on yourself at once. Or, perhaps you are an exceptionally driven person and find that you need to do a lot all the time. The point is, recovery after the withdrawal can be something you can enjoy as much as it can be a weight to carry. Don't get me wrong, it takes lots of work, but how I did it for myself has also helped me to stick with it over time.

Wishing you wellness on your path.
Guener is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:18 AM.