Sasha88

Hi friends, I am sorry my introduction post to this forum isn't the most upbeat. I am here on this forum a desperate and defeated junkie. I am again deciding to stop all the ********. I have never made it more than a few days (if that) before except for when I was in prison...which I can say those years I was sober were good years. Sounds weird for prison but I have a lot of good memories. at any rate, i am in Houston TX and live with my boyfriend and his family (mom and brother). None of them use or even drink or smoke. They know I am on the methadone program and expecting me to taper down and be done this month. What they don't know is the extra using. I don't know anyone here in Houston and have no transportation so I am pretty much stuck at home on my computer. (I am studying programming) I hate that I choose to buy dope. I hate that I buy speed to slow down and focus on my school work or to alleviate the deep, dark depression so I can get out of bed and not feel like a worthless loser. I hate that I buy heroin because I decreased the methadone too fast and am sick. I hate that I cant confide in anyone. Even my boyfriend. He is wonderful but not that understanding. He says 'just do it'. If you want to use, youll use. If you dont then you wont. Maybe he is right. I dont want to use but even more than that I dont want to feel the crazy in my head that gets louder the more sober i am. I have gotten a psych doctor and gotten on some bipolar meds and they help some but not enough. I am here hoping to find some people out there that can relate. I am hoping to meet friends that will call me on my **** and encourage me with the rest of it. Someday soon Id like to be that person for someone else. I know people have gotten clean and been truly happy for the rest of their life. I want to know what I need to get that. Thanks for reading this. I am really not this despondent and depressing all the time. I would like to get to know some of you on here as friends. Have a great weekend.

Anna

Welcome, Sasha, and I can feel your frustration with yourself and your life. I'm glad that you want to be the best person you can be. I'm glad you found us.

It's really hard for others to understand what it's like to be an addict, but here at SR, we do get it.

My suggestion is to go back to your psych doctor and let him know that the bipolar medication is not working too well. It's possible he could help with that. Have you ever tried meditation to help you slow down and focus? I know it's hard to get going with it, but it can help.

Hevyn

Great to meet you, sasha - we're so glad you are here.

For me, not feeling alone anymore meant everything. When I signed on here I had no one in my life who really understood what I was going through. 'Just say no' - great advice. That's what I was told too. It's impossible to explain to the normies in our life. But here we can talk about it freely & without judgment. I hope it will help you to be part of us.

least

Welcome to the family. I hope our support can help you get clean and sober for good.

DarklingSong

Welcome Sasha. Glad you found SR.
If depression is tied up with your addiction, do talk to your doctor for some extra help.
Reading and sharing here can also make a huge difference.
Support to you.

gettingsmarter

Hi Sasha
Welcome to the fam.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Sasha

The great thing about this place for me was that people understood - and they gave me hope that I could change like I did. We';re very glad to have you join us

D