UhOh

My cycle continues. I keep thinking, if I just get through the holidays, it’ll be ok, I’ll change. But... I’ve said that to myself many many many times, to my family many many times and on these forums many times. I just don’t know anymore. My brain is completely tricked. Sorry.

lessgravity

Sorry to hear you just keep picking up man, I've been there.

No one to apologize to here. I know you had that situation with your wife discovering your bottles a while back. There's a better life out here for you.

UhOh

lessgravity

Brutal. I was "caught" so many times myself. Though in some ways it was the getting away with drinking that was worse. I was living a lie in that I was divided against myself - wanting to quit and yet wanting that poison, over and over. It's real pain to be deep in that mix.

Moderation is not something that we can do. Those who need to moderate can't moderate - those who can moderate don't need to. It's a paradox of this addiction.

It sounds like you have a woman who wants to help you, wants to see you get better. You're lucky, so was I. But all that hangs in the balance. Everything can be lost.

doggonecarl

You can't make your sobriety contingent on her empathy and support...or on her anger. Sobriety is your decision to make, as are the changes you need to make to support that decision.

Yes, you are an addict. But that doesn't preclude you from recovery. Make sure you aren't using your affliction as a reason to keep drinking.

ScottFromWI

From her perspective, and explanation and an excuse are the same thing. Which is why the only way out of this mess is to quit drinking permanently - your actions will speak far louder than any words you can share. And by drinking again, even if it had been a few weeks, you basically take everything right back to ground zero - with yourself and those around you.

You also don't need to understand moderation to quit. We will all likely never understand "WHY" we are alcoholics, we just ARE alcoholics. Accepting that fact will go a long way in helping you quit. None of us chose to be this way, but we can choose to not drink.

dwtbd

Your attempts to quit in the past are from the addiction's perspective a club of guilt It uses to beat you into successfully making the choice to start drinking again.

You can beat It at its own game, accept the fact the past has no bearing on your future actions , guilt notwithstanding and pledge to yourself to not start again, no matter what.

Using 'future' guilt to talk yourself into more drinking is a plan, change your plans.

rootin for ya

D122y

Uhoh,

I relate. I was a dead man walking when i finally put the bottle away forever.

High blood pressure 190/120, swole feet and face, 0 stamina, anger issues...on and on.

It took a major mental and physical breakdown to scare me initially.

Now this clean, relapse starts to seem viable. Crazy addiction. Standard addiction. I am no different than you.

I pushed it until nearly the end. Some folks quit when they catch diabetes or liver failure. No fear...fact.

The only way out is suffering. Some folks say they work other angles..e.g. steps etc. They don't suffer. Good for them. AA is plan B if i relapse and don't die.

I suffer like hell at times and i am proud as hell to be sober. I will never drink again. My sobriety has been earned minute by minute and i am selfish w it.

Thanks.

PalmerSage

You can make a change. It starts with one day, and making a plan - not a grand plan, not even a forever plan - to not drink TODAY. Join the class of December, hold yourself accountable for posting each morning. Stick close to SR. When you want to drink, post here first. We are all here to help you and understand what you're going through. Your wife doesn't, and can't. It's OK.

JackRabbit1

Hevyn

You haven't given up, UhOh - so you must want to get free. There's no doubt it can happen. Please stay with us.

Dee74

Hi Uh Oh - things really changed for me when I realise that noone else was going to foist change upon me - I'd have to do it myself.

Look at what you've been doing for your recovery. What else could you reasonably add to that to help?

D

Gottalife

The title of your post reminded me of this passage from Doctor Silkworth, commenting on the AA program.

" After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.

On the other hand-and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand-once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules. "

CupofJoe

One thing that helped me was being told I couldn't think my way out of addiction. I kept falling into the same old traps. Over and over and over again.

I had to take action. Posting (on another website, which I went to before coming here) helped, talking to other people, going to AA meetings (I also worked the steps with a sponsor), doing something different. My head was always going to steer me in the direction of a drink. I had to look outwards and seek help from others in order to get a grip on sobriety. As I got sober, going to a therapist, meditating, doing yoga, eating better--all of these changes began to add up. I would now consider myself recovered, which would have been laughable to me when I was still drinking and struggling.

It is possible to recover, no matter how often we slip and stumble in the beginning.

But, for me anyway, reaching out to others for help was what helped me begin to recover. It does take action.

I know you have it in you. Take care and best wishes.

least

The cycle of drinking will continue until you stop it for good. You can do it, you just haven't done it yet.

AAPJ

Well said! Thanks.

UhOh

UhOh

She’ll never see this, I’m aware and I’m not trying to break hearts, I just want to get it out.
To my wife:
I’m sorry for any pain and suffering I’ve caused you, the kids or anyone else. I’m sorry for making you think, even for a split second that I don’t love you. I’m sorry if you think I forgot about “us”. Im sorry I haven’t been myself. I’m sorry for being stressed or frustrated. I’m sorry for being such a perfectionist about everything except my own flaws. I’m sorry for not changing when I’ve said many times that I would. Im sorry for everything I’ve said, done, didn’t say or didn’t do. I could go on forever... I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.

UhOh

ScottFromWI

I don't think there would be anything wrong with you telling that to your wife UhOh. An honest apology along with action to right the wrongs is good IMHO.