Partner refuses to support my desire to be in AA
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Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 2
Partner refuses to support my desire to be in AA
Hi everyone,
I am in a rather dark place at the moment and would love the wisdom of those here.
I am an alcoholic who has been in AA before, with good results (over four years sober). I have not been sober in nearly two years, brought on in part by the end of a 16-year marriage (though my choices I own completely).
I am in a fairly new relationship that can be quite loving and also quite volatile. Specifically, my bf becomes extremely angry if I have been drinking by myself (which is of course the way I prefer to drink now). He thinks I should be able to drink socially, and does not support me going back to AA because 1) he does not think I'm an alcoholic, 2) He believes I have control over what I do and that AA is a cop-out, and 3) this would take away from our relationship as he does not want to feel like I am white-knuckling every social event where there might be alcohol, etc.
It is clear to me that I have tough choices ahead. I don't know what to do. Any advice from someone who has experienced something similar (or otherwise) would be so very much appreciated. Thank you.
I am in a rather dark place at the moment and would love the wisdom of those here.
I am an alcoholic who has been in AA before, with good results (over four years sober). I have not been sober in nearly two years, brought on in part by the end of a 16-year marriage (though my choices I own completely).
I am in a fairly new relationship that can be quite loving and also quite volatile. Specifically, my bf becomes extremely angry if I have been drinking by myself (which is of course the way I prefer to drink now). He thinks I should be able to drink socially, and does not support me going back to AA because 1) he does not think I'm an alcoholic, 2) He believes I have control over what I do and that AA is a cop-out, and 3) this would take away from our relationship as he does not want to feel like I am white-knuckling every social event where there might be alcohol, etc.
It is clear to me that I have tough choices ahead. I don't know what to do. Any advice from someone who has experienced something similar (or otherwise) would be so very much appreciated. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 205
I don’t have direct experience relating to your situation. However, I have found it common that many normal people just don’t understand alcoholism. It’s obvious that your boyfriend doesn’t understand how it works. Would he be capable or willing? If the answer is No then the relationship probably won’t work 
Sobriety has to come first in my books.
Sobriety has to come first in my books.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 462
Welcome to SR aph79 I hope we can help, from your post I see that -
He thinks I should be able to drink socially, and does not support me going back to AA because 1) he does not think I'm an alcoholic, 2) He believes I have control over what I do and that AA is a cop-out, and 3) this would take away from our relationship as he does not want to feel like I am white-knuckling every social event where there might be alcohol, etc.
I see a lot about him but what about you? You need to do what's right for you because after all you are getting sober for yourself not him, right? If you feel like you need the help of AA then go to AA, do whatever it takes to get yourself sober.
Take care and good luck.
He thinks I should be able to drink socially, and does not support me going back to AA because 1) he does not think I'm an alcoholic, 2) He believes I have control over what I do and that AA is a cop-out, and 3) this would take away from our relationship as he does not want to feel like I am white-knuckling every social event where there might be alcohol, etc.
I see a lot about him but what about you? You need to do what's right for you because after all you are getting sober for yourself not him, right? If you feel like you need the help of AA then go to AA, do whatever it takes to get yourself sober.
Take care and good luck.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 271
Make it clear your a modern woman and can and will make your own decisions.
A controlling person who is not supportive of you getting sober is not going to be good for you.
You will have to make the decision if your relationship is worth pursuing.
A controlling person who is not supportive of you getting sober is not going to be good for you.
You will have to make the decision if your relationship is worth pursuing.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,511
Welcome!
The important thing here is 'you'. You know what you want and need to do right now, which is to go to AA and stop drinking. It doesn't matter whether or not your boyfriend thinks you are an alcoholic. He is trying to control your behaviour and the relationship and quite frankly, that sounds scary to me.
The important thing here is 'you'. You know what you want and need to do right now, which is to go to AA and stop drinking. It doesn't matter whether or not your boyfriend thinks you are an alcoholic. He is trying to control your behaviour and the relationship and quite frankly, that sounds scary to me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 2
Does he have experience with alcoholism? A good book/website on the subject might be worthwhile. If he wants to make things work, reading a book about what you 'think you' are suffering with could make a difference. If he is unwilling to read up on it, it may be difficult for the two of you to communicate what you need from this relationship. I hope you find a peaceful way forward... (I used the quotes to insert his perspective only, no denial of your perspective whatsoever)
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
I think it's a very good decision to want to reach out for help, how could that be a negative?
To look at the bigger picture, what if you became depressed and needed to take anti-depressants? Is that ok, if your Doctor prescribes them is he ok with you taking them or will he just tell you to not be depressed?
There is a huge control issue going on here and that is a big red flag in any relationship.
You have identified yourself as an alcoholic. You know you are an alcoholic and would like to seek help with that.
Just because he doesn't like it, doesn't mean it isn't true or that you shouldn't seek help. All the anger in the world doesn't make him "right". Anyway, that's his side of the street, not much you can do about that, you can only look after your own side.
To look at the bigger picture, what if you became depressed and needed to take anti-depressants? Is that ok, if your Doctor prescribes them is he ok with you taking them or will he just tell you to not be depressed?
There is a huge control issue going on here and that is a big red flag in any relationship.
You have identified yourself as an alcoholic. You know you are an alcoholic and would like to seek help with that.
Just because he doesn't like it, doesn't mean it isn't true or that you shouldn't seek help. All the anger in the world doesn't make him "right". Anyway, that's his side of the street, not much you can do about that, you can only look after your own side.
He sounds like a control freak to me. DOS: 08-16-2012
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Central Iowa
Posts: 365
From what you wrote it sounds like a really easy decision. Sounds like, on some level, an abusive relationship that is new. That reason alone would be cause to get out. On top of that this person has no clue how to understand your problem and seems to have no interest in even trying.
I would tell him that if he is serious about being with you than he needs to attend Al-Anon to help him understand how your mind works. If he has no interest in that than I would say he's not the one for you and get out before you become more invested in a bad deal.
I would tell him that if he is serious about being with you than he needs to attend Al-Anon to help him understand how your mind works. If he has no interest in that than I would say he's not the one for you and get out before you become more invested in a bad deal.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
4) Wants what's best/most comfortable for him.
"new relationship" and I'm going to assume you met while drinking,thus he doesn't want to lose his 'drinking GF'?...Let me know if that's not the case..Either way; it's your life to live how you want. Be it drinking 'socially' or not drinking at all. Never let other's(especially a new BF) tell you what's best for you. He's only thinking about himself.
"new relationship" and I'm going to assume you met while drinking,thus he doesn't want to lose his 'drinking GF'?...Let me know if that's not the case..Either way; it's your life to live how you want. Be it drinking 'socially' or not drinking at all. Never let other's(especially a new BF) tell you what's best for you. He's only thinking about himself.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
What "He" thinks does not matter. It's irrelevant. And to be totally honest, he sounds like a self centered jerk. Forgive me if that's harsh, but no one who really cares for you would ever step on your desire to improve or advocate for yourself. In fact, he ought to be supporting your decision whole heartedly. Run from this person while you can.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Originally Posted by aph79 
Hi everyone,
I am in a fairly new relationship that can be quite loving and also quite volatile. Specifically, my bf becomes extremely angry if I have been drinking by myself (which is of course the way I prefer to drink now). He thinks I should be able to drink socially, and does not support me going back to AA because 1) he does not think I'm an alcoholic, 2) He believes I have control over what I do and that AA is a cop-out, and 3) this would take away from our relationship as he does not want to feel like I am white-knuckling every social event where there might be alcohol, etc.
I am in a fairly new relationship that can be quite loving and also quite volatile. Specifically, my bf becomes extremely angry if I have been drinking by myself (which is of course the way I prefer to drink now). He thinks I should be able to drink socially, and does not support me going back to AA because 1) he does not think I'm an alcoholic, 2) He believes I have control over what I do and that AA is a cop-out, and 3) this would take away from our relationship as he does not want to feel like I am white-knuckling every social event where there might be alcohol, etc.
He could break up, which is no fun, but if would be better for him if he could mold you into his ideal companion. Obviously, I think sobriety is one of those non-starters if being sober is what you want to be. And being who you are, knowing your own mental/physical make up, you realize if you can never go to parties with him and drink in moderation. You will be sneaking nips when he isn't looking. You realize you will drink to excess or not at all.
If you're an alcoholic, you have two alternatives to drinking, all or nothing, my opinion of course. But neither of those alternatives can satisfy him. Well, maybe one can, but he doesn't seem receptive to either one at this time, so no matter what you decide, you can never meet his demands as they are right now. He could change. You can't. You are a person of extremes. You can't move the slider from one of your extremes to somewhere in the middle. Your make up has no dimmer switch. For you, it's off or on.
This doesn't mean there is no hope. My best friend where I now live is an alcoholic sober for 20 or 30 years, married to a normie. They have an unusually good relationship. She drinks wine in moderation if they are together at dinner with someone else. This might happen once every three or four weeks. She and her girlfriend even got sloshed one time when he was gone for a couple days. But I don't think she ever drinks around him when they are alone. She is happy with him being sober, and he fine with her drinking at the level she does. It's almost like neither one is giving up anything to make things work. They are both secure in his sobriety, and they are both secure in her moderation. And nothing strikes me as unusual about them.
Last edited by DriGuy; 12-05-2018 at 07:38 AM. Reason: better wording
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Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 5
Others have given some great perspective, so I’ll just add something quick that has helped me out. I recently had someone in A.A. tell me to remember to take care of myself first and that “your sobriety is worth more than making someone else happy”. At first glance it may sound like a selfish concept, but for those of us that drink alcoholically, that decision can be the difference between life and death.
I hope you are able to find peace in whichever choice you make.
I hope you are able to find peace in whichever choice you make.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
aph
"Partner refuses to support my desire to be in AA"
okay.
he refuses to support your desire to be there... what do you see here? what do you need? what will you choose to do?
do you need him to support your desire?
do you plan to go whether he supports it or not? how important is it to be with a person who supports what is important to you? what IS important to you?
lots of questions, which you have no doubt asked yourself already.
if you want AA, and support from him for it, he has made it clear you will not have it.
that seems the bottom line.
what you do with that information is about what matters to you.
"Partner refuses to support my desire to be in AA"
okay.
he refuses to support your desire to be there... what do you see here? what do you need? what will you choose to do?
do you need him to support your desire?
do you plan to go whether he supports it or not? how important is it to be with a person who supports what is important to you? what IS important to you?
lots of questions, which you have no doubt asked yourself already.
if you want AA, and support from him for it, he has made it clear you will not have it.
that seems the bottom line.
what you do with that information is about what matters to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Are you willing to go to ANY lengths to get and stay sober this time? Thats one of the questions I had to answer honestly and with absolute certainty. All my tough or seemingly so decisions are easier when seen through that lense.
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