Fearlessat50

Thanks all! These are thought provoking responses. It’s interesting. We all have different drinking histories. I know I’m an alcoholic. I have accepted I’m powerless over alcohol. But my alcoholism was also very secret. Yeah, I had the occasional night out with the girls and took it too far , but no different from anyone else.

What people, including close friends saw in me was a successful professional, a good mom, a healthy person, etc. What people didn’t know was that I was secretly drinking myself to death, drinking alone, drinking in the morning, drinking while driving, drinking until blacking out. Even my husband many times thought I had just crashed early because I was exhausted, had cramps, whatever. As smart as my husband is, I don’t think he’s all that perceptive sometimes. But I digress. I don’t know how I managed to get away with such a secret alcoholic life.

The few close friends I told in the beginning that I thought I had become an alcoholic were like “nah, you are the last person on this planet with a drinking problem.” My husband was also in disbelief. He was like “but you just got promoted, you are an overachiever, you get things done, blah blah, maybe you just need to cut back.” All of this tripped me up and I’m not blaming anyone. After all what they didn’t know, they didn’t know because I was never completely honest. But these comments did keep me lying to myself for a while and I had several relapsed back then. What I tell all of my close friends now is that I don’t drink anymore and if they want to know more, it’s for health reasons. They all support me. The only people who only know the true extent of my problem are my husband (now because it took a while) and a very close friend who is a recovered alcoholic herself and understands.

As for new people in my life, you’ve all got me thinking about this

Dee74

Hi Sarah

I had to stop being around drinkers and alcohol for a while.
I needed to put clear distance between who I had been and who I wanted to be.

That didn;t mean I locked myself in at home and sat in the dark - I reconnected with old friends where the connections that held us together were not drugs or booze.

I went on walks, picnics, went to art galleries, museums, cafes, pizza places., movies....indulged in hobbies.

What I didn't do was put myself in situations of temptation for quite a while. I call this period building up my sober muscles.

When I felt ready and knew that I wanted to stay sober and nothing or noone else could away me, then I felt ok to put myself into a few more awkward social situations - but I had to work up to that.

D

Vinificent

Fearlessat50

Cont’d ......
It’s interesting that there is shame in being an alcoholic but there can be shame in being a teetotaler too. There’s so much societal pressure to drink, but at the same time, to be in control. Pressure to overachieve and do it all but to get enough sleep, not get too much stress. We don’t want to be judged by others and don’t want to be vulnerable so we pretend to be who we think society wants us to be. I don’t know where I’m going with this. I guess I’m just free associating. I am so proud of my sobriety. I’m also proud that I don’t eat birthday cake anymore or red meat, or too much caffeine, etc etc because it’s just healthier for me that I don’t. . I guess it’s kind of like that. I don’t go to a party or a dinner and explain ad nausea why I don’t eat cake or red meat anymore. I don’t do heroin anymore and never did. No one really cares about any of this. Why would they care I don’t drink? I think I care more than they do. I guess I’m projecting my own fears of judgment about myself onto others.

I had coffee with a new friend today. Actually, she doesn’t drink coffee anymore. She only drinks tea. I asked her why she doesn’t drink coffee anymore. She said “there’s something in it that just doesn’t agree with me anymore.” When she brought up the subject about getting together for dinner with our husbands, and drinking wine, I told her I didn’t drink anymore. She said “really? Wow.” I decided to say “there’s something in it that just doesn’t agree with me anymore.” We both laughed and all was good. I like that answer.

Thanks for making me think about this. Have a good night

Mango212

I had coffee with a new friend today. Actually, she doesn’t drink coffee anymore. She only drinks tea. I asked her why she doesn’t drink coffee anymore. She said “there’s something in it that just doesn’t agree with me anymore.” When she brought up the subject about getting together for dinner with our husbands, and drinking wine, I told her I didn’t drink anymore. She said “really? Wow.” I decided to say “there’s something in it that just doesn’t agree with me anymore.” We both laughed and all was good. I like that answer.

Thanks for making me think about this. Have a good night

Beautiful!!!

You, too. Have a good night.

TeeJayVerm

I opened myself up to extended family members and their reaction was to downplay the issue... saying it is not "that bad" (knowing I am mostly functional despite my habits).

Plus, the liquor is flowing whenever I go to any type of convention or seminar related to my profession .

Finally, as a person who doesn't eat sweets at all... I deal with the peer pressure of eating sweets all of the time at work. "I know you are not a sweets person but I brought X and X sweets if your interested."

I have just come to the conclusion that people tend to be self-absorbed... they are not going to observe your specific needs. You just need to do what you need to do and not worry about what others think.

TeeJayVerm

If you know people who are not self-absorbed... consider that a gift.

Fortunately, I am in a place where people I know DO understand and are not self absorbed (i.e., non family members and others from my hometown).

dcg

Just wow.

MantaLady

Thanks everyone, the above is exactly how I feel but couldn't find the right words! x

MantaLady

This is disgusting behaviour. Calling someone out you hardly know as an alcoholic in a public office who has only just started working there is just nasty. Your need to make your point about something that is none of your business and publically humiliate this woman regardless of how it might affect her goes against everything the big book teaches. Do you think with an outburst like that if she does have a problem that she would want to go to an AA meeting now, after that?

August252015

Welcome!

To answer your ending question...I was very conservative- way so, for a lot of people- in any socializing. It wasn't much out of fear or temptation as it was survival instinct. I had to quit drinking or die, and sobriety then recovery became (is) the overarching theme of my life. Literal examples, I didn't go out of town except once with my parents, the weekend of 90 days. Then my first few dinners out were one on one with a friend, and my first "real" trip out of town was at 7 mo with my now husband...first party 14 mo, first wedding 19....

Like I intimated above, my sobriety is obvious. I don't always "tell" the story but like Dee enough people knew the drunk me that when I re-encountered them, it was a pleasant change to put it mildly. I also deliberately reconnected with he good friends I had isolated from, a few of which were surprised the extremity I hadn't reached.

I also assumed the mantra that there is no place or event I have to attended. None. My life is really fun and full, wherever I go, and leaving things early or when they bother me (especially at first and some things really agitated me!) is something I never regretted.

Having a strategy in the beginning was crucial- a friend to go with who knew I was sober, a water brought with, whatever. It became easy.

I also like the comments above about just letting the let's have a drink or I need a drink comments go- like the tea story, I will meet a friend for (. ) and drink what I want

Kachal

Interesting question. When I first read the title I thought, No way do I pretend to be a drinker. I'm proud to say I don't drink in just about any situation. Then I thought about it some more, and actually, there are times when I do pretend I drink. I own a business that has a bar as part of it. For obvious reasons I have as little to do with the bar as possible, but there are times when I have to serve a drink to a customer. I'll get asked something like 'which of these local beers is your favourite?' and I'll say something like 'Oh I really like this one, it has [insert] characteristics, I think you will too.' Sometimes I do tell the customers I don't drink, but mostly I just want the interaction over quickly so I recommend something I think they'll like and give them the impression I like it too. And yes, it is most definitely about not wanting to have a whole conversation about me and my non drinking habits with people I don't know. Plus I know how I would have felt as a customer in my drinking days if a bar tender told me he or she didn't drink; judged.

Kachal

This was me too.

lessgravity

Very interesting and thought-provoking topic. Thank you for posting. This is perhaps one of the most common themes on this website. It's also something that I struggle with all the time. One thing I dislike, even more than I dislike people shoving their sober methods and recovery language down my throat, is being told that somehow this feeling is wrong. I very much disagree with people who think that life is as simple as looking everyone in the eye and saying I am sober, I have a problem with alcohol, how dare you judge me, etc...

We live in a world and we are human beings whose fear of other's judgement is in our blood and bones. We also live in a western world where drinking is an intrical and deeply accepted part of the culture. The idea that we would feel conflict when we make decisions that run in the face of a widely accepted and even valued aspect of our culture seems to me quite normal. In fact it makes me think of vegetarians or atheists. I don't mean to suggest that sobriety is not something to be proud of. I am extremely proud what I've been able to accomplish you didn't my short 6 months of sobriety. But I also acknowledge that there is discomfort and some pain when I'm confronted with social occasions we're drinking is accepted and encouraged. Acknowledging this, recognizing it, sometimes even lying to protect ourselves - I believe there's nothing wrong with that. As long as we do not pick up the poison.

dcg

I figure people want to hear about my relationship with alcohol about as much as I want to hear about their relationship with <insert religious figure here>.

My answer is the same as always: "Thank you, but I'm good." If pressed, "Maybe later, thanks." Eventually, when they see me in the future, their question becomes, "Hey, man, can I grab you a water?"

Primativo

A really good point about reconnecting with old friends.

I've realised, as I've begun my new sober life, that my old friends who I had something in common with, who we connected about things like a passion for music, composing and stuff like that, I had drifted from.

I had surrounded myself by heavy drinkers. My entire social life was about going out and getting wasted. Everything was an excuse to drink.

Now, I am reconnecting with old friends, incidentally one of them is muslim, and has never drunk since I first met him at college. We are now back in touch more frequently and we share a common passion, a hobby which doesn't involve alcohol at all. It's so nice to rediscover a life without drink, it makes me somehow feel like I'm 18 again, all innocent and pure before my life became corrupted by permanent hangovers and cravings.

Dee74

For me pretending to drink is like inviting the AV to come in and take a seat in the waiting room...so I don't mind being a little more emphatic than usual .

I do remember the fear and the anxiety I had about explaining myself in the early days - and yes embarrassment about being 'having to be sober' - but honestly most people couldn't care less that I didn't drink anymore .

The real problem was me... I'd considered drinking so important I assumed it was as important for everyone else too - but generally - unless they're drinkers like me, that's just not the case.

Like others have said for me 'no thanks' is pretty much the sum total of the conversation in most cases.

I'm no longer embarrassed I don't drink - the important part of my story is my recovery - not my inability to drink in normal fashion.

That part, that past, is - to steal from Monty Python - a dead parrot....bleedin' demised

D

lessgravity

I understand that. And I do think that the ability to be completely honest and forthright about our sobriety is an important step as part of the process. I look forward to the day that, in every interaction, my sobriety is something that I have not the slightest social constraints or socially imposed doubt about sharing with others.

However all that matters is me not drinking. All that matters for each and every member of this site is not drinking. If, for whatever reason, the social group that they're in, the family situation that they were raised under or whatever, people here want to tell a story that isn't completely accurate or present themselves in some way that is not the absolute truth in regards to their sobriety, then I say go for it. Not drinking it up is all that matters. For many of us the way the world views us is an aspect of both are drunkenness and our inability to get sober. If it helps you not to drink to say your training for a marathon or that you're on flu medication, as long as you're not drinking, good on you.

aasharon90

Along with many other important lessons I've
learned thru out life and recovery, there is one
the took me a long time to really achieve. And
that one is Honesty.

As I child brought up Catholic and taught
about lying being a sin. Well, that commandment
was broken a many a times before, during and
after my addiction.


Anyway.....when I entered recovery 28 yrs
ago, I was taught about these 3.....W.H.O. or
H.O.W. which stands for Willingness, Honesty
and Openmindedness or Honesty, Openmindedness
and Willingness. or...…

Which ever one you achieved first, second or third.

For me, I work my program each day keeping
an openmind and willingness to listen, learn,
applying and absorbing new, healthy tools
and knowledge to better my own life in recovery.

Honesty was the very last lesson that I eventually
achieved in my own life and when I did, it opened
a new door to a freedom I had never experienced
before in my entire life.

I had lied for so long for various reasons
and I knew it. And in doing so, I always felt
ashamed or dishonest and so many other
unhealthy feelings for so long.

Yes, some lessons in life and recovery take
a long time to learn depending on the individual.
However, once I learned this valuable lesson
on honesty, I can now live a healthy, happy life
with so many rewarding gifts.

Eventually I learned that lying is not worth
it any longer.

Lying kept me in the darkness and today I
need Light to guide me and help me remain
free.

OpioPhobe

It is actually my business because I work there too. I don't like being around people that openly glorify booze. She was also making comments about how she would get popped and then make sales calls to her clients. Apparently that is her secret to being a great salesperson. Over half of my office is in recovery, and she had no regard for any of us with her comments that were glorifying booze. Also, she is in a senior position and was visiting the office.

I said it jokingly, and she wasn't humiliated. She actually asked one of the managers about it afterwards. He told her that many of her coworkers are in recovery.

As far as your other comments go, I am not going to lose any sleep because you think I am a disgusting, nasty person. You are free to believe whatever you want to. I still think it is funny.