sobersolstice

I'm 41, and have been sober for almost 7 months. This is the longest sobriety stint I've had in my life, but after the 'pink cloud' effect and other post-detox pleasantries, I'm feeling a little stuck. Only kid.. no girlfriend, wife, or kids.

I want to change careers toward something meaningful. I feel as though being a window cleaner has reached it's limit with regard to how I interpret it's importance in life. I'm only doing it at the moment for the money, and the fact that I can help my parents financially. I started doing it as a way to make a living as a drunk person. After a few months of sobriety, I began feeling as though I need to move on. I just have no idea what I want to move toward.

Another very dangerous thought I've been having are the youthful and fun times I see on rooftop bars I used to frequent and enjoy. I went on a stint where I'd go to these places sober just to know I can go and enjoy these places sober, but deep inside, I feel the moment could be more freeing if I could have a couple drinks.

Living in an expensive college town, I begin missing the good times I had when I was younger, and in some ways, just want to go out and enjoy the moment. I'm also feeling cravings that are unusual, apart from the effects of being over-caffeinated. Maybe I should drink tea.

I'm a bit lost in this world, and my attempts to connect with new people has been difficult. I've made some new friends, but they are a bit older than I am, and I feel very immature around them, and way behind in terms of overall life attainments (they own homes etc.).

My health and body are in much better shape, with a recent metabolic test coming back with healthy kidney and liver function.

All of these things compounding, I feel like the one thing missing is a few beers in the evening, or the occasional party. I know where this leads, but sometimes a part of me thinks it can be controlled (I always start thinking I'm mentally weak if I can't). I've been hanging out with a woman who drinks, but forces herself to limit her drinking to 2 drinks. It seems like an effort and burden. I don't want to do that, but I wonder if I could; even for that one moment.

I'm not sure what I'm saying. My life patterns are behind, with a messy room and roommate in my 40's, and due to the sauce over the years, my work and overall home-life are very disorganized. It's like I'm living like a drunk person, but sober. I go to bed late, wake late, late to work, and 1000 things pop into my mind daily.

Another big part of it is that I've been going on dates to fill the void of loneliness that alcoholism perpetuated. I make it a point to tell people I don't drink, and they are generally receptive, but rejection, and social discomfort are things that are still new for me to overcome as a grown man in a sober state.

I know things can be a lot worse, but feeling like a lost kid who wants to party with 20-somethings again. A part of me wants that more than anything, but I can't.

This isn't a heavy thread, and the AV is playing a role for sure with things going relatively well, and somewhat on the upward, but I've been thinking about drinking more than ever. Anyone know any tricks to fool my AV? I've been exercising daily and eating well. I'm just losing the motivation to stay quit for some reason. I know I need to stay stopped, but the pull is there. I hope it goes away.

DontRemember

My advice= clean your appartment top to bottom. Then sit in that clean space and really think this through. Get organized. "cluttered home=cluttered mind".

Fallow

Man Im with you in a lot of ways. I just turned forty recently. I have 40 days sober today. Feels like the same ol song and dance in lots of ways. I think to myself that I know I can stay sober forever ... but theres quite a bit I miss from drinking life. My social life is non-existent for one.

At this point I am staying sober though I gave drinking a good long run and in the end I wanted to quit and get free of it. I gotta give sobriety a good long run too. Hope we find happiness through the struggle ya know.

Dee74

Don;t fall for the lie that you have to drink to have fun - thats the biggest lie of all. I have more fun now than I ever had at any other time of my life.

Its true I don't really see the same people or hang out in the same places I used to - but I don't see that as a loss - I was the worlds oldest teenager - it was not a good look anyway.

I built a new life - it's worth the effort

D

doggonecarl

Read this and the first thing I thought of was this quote from the Big Book of AA:

Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.

Your "mid-life crisis" won't be solved with a drink. That's way to simple. Change takes work. Time to dig in.

least

If you want to feel secure in your sobriety, practice gratitude every day.

Fearlessat50

Hi. It might be a good time to go to an AA meeting to strengthen your resolve. It may help give you a sense of community with others with common goals as well. I am married. But with my single friends, some of them talk about meet up groups - not just for dating but to meet others with common interests. Maybe that’s a possibility? Hope to see you around here. Stay strong!

Eddiebuckle

Anyone know any tricks to fool my AV?

We can't fool our AV, but our AV for sure can fool us... it's how we all got here in the first place.

Gerard52

What do you have common with people in their 20s?

Being bored is better than being drunk and hungover with failing internal organs.

MindfulMan

Seven months might not be long enough, but I think by that point I was pretty much over it.

Imagine the feeling of having a drink or two. What does it feel like? REALLY feel like? Is it really all that fun...or is merely a slightly disorienting fuzziness that takes you out of the moment? Does this dizzy feeling really enhance the company you're keeping, the concert you're seeing, the sunset that you're watching with a beautiful partner?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

I've gotten to the point where I can imagine the feeling, vividly, of having that first drink. And I DON'T like it.

I'm 57, and got sober about a year and a half ago. My room is messy AF. But my head isn't. Neatness is just not in the cards for me, so I hire a maid. Problem solved. I do own a house in a very expensive city, but I was able to accomplish this while still drinking during a long sober patch.

Do you really want to go back to your 20s? My 30th birthday was my favorite birthday of my life. I was so happy to leave my 20s behind. They were fun, for sure, but things just got better as an adult.

I think you'll find with longer sobriety that you will enjoy being a sober grown-up. I still party, I go to Coachella every year. Soberchella is AWESOME!!! I go to bars to meet men, I just don't drink, and I don't miss it. I've learned to socialize without it, and find alcohol to be a detriment to most human interaction. You will too.

Wastinglife

I can certainly relate SoberSolstice. I am 42. Single, unemployed, never married/kids. I was well on my way in my late 20's with a good job, in a committed relationship etc. when alcohol took its grip on me and lost everything. It turns out I had an undiagnosed hidden disability ADHD. I knew there was something wrong but just didn't realize what. I self-medicated with dugs and alcohol. Was finally diagnosed while in rehab at age 35, but the damage had been done. I had a DUI on my record. I had to declare bankruptcy. I lost my career (resigned while drunk one day, then just drank for a year on credit cards). I can't pass a background check for pretty much any credible employer. I raise too many red-flags to ever hope attaining gainful employment.

I have made many attempts to rebuild my life, but still struggle to stay sober. No employer in their right mind would employ me. No woman in her right mind would enter a relationship with me. I don't see how I can possibly build a happy life from my current situation and age. If I was 25, things would be different. My age, disability, and track history all but ensure a life of low-paying jobs that will barely pay my bills. I have given up on ever getting married or having kids. House ownership too.

That's where I am at now. I don't see a way out. However, 42 is too young to give up. I don't see a path now. I just sobered up again this week. First things first as they say. I know sobriety should be my only focus right now. The rest of my worries can wait.

DontRemember

Solbersolstice..You drinking still?

DontRemember

My bad I just read "7mo"..In that case..what in the hell is your problem? Are you sad you don't have a wife to bltch(no offense ladies) at you?...Kid's diapers to change..DUDE!! WAKE UP!! Holy $hit..stop focusing on booze and how you should be able to drink it. YA can't/don't...SIMPLE...go out and live your life free and happy,man..the other things may fall in,but either way..You lived.

Be123

I don’t think it’s a mid life crisis for me - I’m way too young of course 😉 - but I find I have idealised alcohol and confused it with happy times when I was younger.

Alcohol makes me really unhappy and adds nothing to my life. But I can idealise times when I was with friends, with girls, (always in the sunshine obs) at great social occasions and if I’m not careful I can pretend that was alcohol being good to me.

But in the same way as I can say chasing girls, hanging out in the park all day with mate etc IS IN THE PAST I can accept drinking as also in the past. Id be a sad case to dress, act, think like a 17 year old at my age, so my thinking about alcohol also has to change

I guess what I’m saying is that for me I can confuse happiness at care free, fun times with the idea that alcohol can recreate that. I could chase that, and probably have. But it won’t recreate it anymore than I’ll be able to play sport like a 17 year old again.

aasharon90

As I inch towards 60 I am definitely embracing
my emotional maturity. Midlife crises is out the
window. lol

As it was explained to me 28yrs ago when I
took my last drink and embarked on a new
journey in life, a life in recovery....when I took
my first drink around the age of 17ish, my
emotional age stopped growing. So, when I
got sober at 30, I was basically the age emotionally
at 17ish.

Once I got into recovery and began to grow
and mature, my emotions which began at infancy,
makes me emotionally still young today.

However, with high school education, several
yrs college, 60 yrs of life experiences, with marriage,
family, jobs, sobriety, im mentally, physically,
emotionally and spiritually strong, stable and
educated.

All of you folks should be too. So dont
think that just because you guys are a
certain age life is over since you stopped
addiction. Your life is young and smart and
you will continue to enjoy life to the upmost.

I feel like today at my age, emotionally
still young, I have lots of life to enjoy
and experience.

You guys too..!!!!

PalmerSage

Wow, there is a lot going on here. It sounds like you are feeling a void, and your AV is telling you that the void is alcohol...but reading your post, it sounds like you are really feeling a dissatisfaction with your lack of achievement. That is exactly what I would suggest putting 200% of your energy into: Do you have a degree? What are your career interests? Can you find a free financial literacy class to start working with a budgeting coach and doing some longer term financial planning?

It sounds like you need some structure and focus in your life, and you're drawn to a time (20s) when it was considered socially acceptable to do very little. But really, it's such an illusion. You're 41, not 101. The best years of your life can be ahead of you, if you start making choices (beginning with cleaning your room until it sparkles) that provide activity, engagement, and hope.

You can do it!!!

Gerard52

It is not LOL for many people.

AAPJ

This thread is inspiring. Look at this data from some of the posters above.

Sobersolstice
Join Date: Jul 2012; Age: 41
“have been sober for almost 7 months”

Fallow
Join Date: Jul 2011; Age: 40
“I have 40 days sober today”

Wastinglife
Join Date: Dec 2012; Age: 42
“still struggle to stay sober”

Each of you reminds me how hard it can be to get and stay sober. But none of you have quit trying! As someone in my late 50s I can assure you that you can have many good years ahead of you if you quit drinking. But it's hard to accept that you are no longer 25 when you are 40. I remember that.

I wish each of you success in your recovery. For me it's very one day at a time.

What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.

aasharon90

Yes, you are absolutely right Gerard. It
takes time to work up to that light hearted
point in life. Slowly but surely you, we, us
can get there.

Poppy46

I can relate to this, I'm 40 as well and recently stopped drinking for the 7th or 8th time. Having a partner/child/family isn't all it's cracked up to be in sobriety.. a lot of the resentment, guilt, self-pity, and fear I experience has to do with something I did or something they did in the past. Something I either have trouble moving on from or some longing for things to be a different way. It makes things complicated.

I like the idea that we stop growing emotionally. I definitely feel emotionally stunted after 15 years of heavy drinking and multiple quit attempts. I've stayed stuck in my career as well (an easy job that allowed me to drink without being noticed) for several years despite it being boring and having the education and licensure to do something much more challenging, earn more, etc.

It's so easy to romanticize the old days of drinking and want to feel that way again (ie - young and carefree on a rooftop bar in our 20s) when we've got a few months under our belts and realize that just stopping drinking didn't solve everything and we're stuck with ourselves (and now we can't numb the way that feels anymore and we get to feel bored, uncomfortable, lonely, etc, on top of it!)

I'm only a few weeks in this time. So I don't know much at the moment. But I've been derailed many times by the things you're talking about. So I've been thinking hard about not just getting sober but how I'm going to stay sober. What it takes to build a life worth living in sobriety.