Feeling abandoned
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 128
Feeling abandoned
My sponsor kind of disappeared. She had some personal struggles going on in her life, so I understand that, but it left me feeling really abandoned and I didn't feel like I could call her when I was really struggling with cravings. I tried to be there for her, but she only distanced more.
At the beginning I was really really happy that she was my sponsor. I thought that she was happy joyous and free, and had a really strong sense of herself and her sobriety. She felt like a perfect sponsor and after we did my 1st step, I was happier than I'd been in years. She felt like a real friend, my first real friend in a long time. I could tell her anything.
Lately she hasn't really been there for me- I've chaired several meetings and she hasn't come to any of them to support me. I've had exciting news and she hasn't shared my excitement. I've called her and she hasn't picked up. I've seen her at meetings and she's barely said hello.
I don't know what happened. Maybe I thought of her as a friend, but the feeling wasn't mutual. Maybe I'm caught up in self-centered fear right now. Maybe I am over reacting. I just thought I could depend on her, trust her with everything and it doesn't feel that way anymore.
I want to hold on to this and not get a new sponsor. I want to work it out. I wonder- are my expectations too high for her?
At the beginning I was really really happy that she was my sponsor. I thought that she was happy joyous and free, and had a really strong sense of herself and her sobriety. She felt like a perfect sponsor and after we did my 1st step, I was happier than I'd been in years. She felt like a real friend, my first real friend in a long time. I could tell her anything.
Lately she hasn't really been there for me- I've chaired several meetings and she hasn't come to any of them to support me. I've had exciting news and she hasn't shared my excitement. I've called her and she hasn't picked up. I've seen her at meetings and she's barely said hello.
I don't know what happened. Maybe I thought of her as a friend, but the feeling wasn't mutual. Maybe I'm caught up in self-centered fear right now. Maybe I am over reacting. I just thought I could depend on her, trust her with everything and it doesn't feel that way anymore.
I want to hold on to this and not get a new sponsor. I want to work it out. I wonder- are my expectations too high for her?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, bringmeback.
Very sorry for your trouble.
Sounds like, for whatever reason, your sponsor has ghosted you.
May not be anything you did, she is just having a hard time with things, could be?
Very glad that you are chairing.
The best way out for me in AA and Al-Anon was to be of service.
I should say, and this is my experience and opinion only, that I didn’t look for a sponsor to be my friend, i looked for one to help guide me through the steps as I worked on my recovery.
I have always felt that that is a sponsor’s role.
Cravings: horrible but do lessen in time. I found a physical response to them worked for me.
Deep, calmings breaths, get outside for fresh oxygen, and recognize that, like all cravings, they will pass.
Oh, and gentle exercise, like walking and yoga, also helped.
I used to talk to my therapist about cravings and found him to be remarkably
Obtuse about them, for a person who was supposedly experienced in treating addiction.
But then, I have not really had any positive therapy experiences, though there are many people on this forum who have.
Not dissing it, just haven’t had a lot of success there.
Good luck and good thoughts
Very sorry for your trouble.
Sounds like, for whatever reason, your sponsor has ghosted you.
May not be anything you did, she is just having a hard time with things, could be?
Very glad that you are chairing.
The best way out for me in AA and Al-Anon was to be of service.
I should say, and this is my experience and opinion only, that I didn’t look for a sponsor to be my friend, i looked for one to help guide me through the steps as I worked on my recovery.
I have always felt that that is a sponsor’s role.
Cravings: horrible but do lessen in time. I found a physical response to them worked for me.
Deep, calmings breaths, get outside for fresh oxygen, and recognize that, like all cravings, they will pass.
Oh, and gentle exercise, like walking and yoga, also helped.
I used to talk to my therapist about cravings and found him to be remarkably
Obtuse about them, for a person who was supposedly experienced in treating addiction.
But then, I have not really had any positive therapy experiences, though there are many people on this forum who have.
Not dissing it, just haven’t had a lot of success there.
Good luck and good thoughts
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
I'm sorry you're feeling abandoned by your sponsor.
My suggestion would be to focus on your sobriety and recovery. For whatever reason, it sounds like your sponsor has stepped away. You can always find support here at SR, and maybe you could consider looking for another sponsor at your meetings.
My suggestion would be to focus on your sobriety and recovery. For whatever reason, it sounds like your sponsor has stepped away. You can always find support here at SR, and maybe you could consider looking for another sponsor at your meetings.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Stay strong in your recovery doing the
next best thing in keeping yourself
committed and responsible as well as
sober.
There will always be people, places or
things that will ruffle our feathers and
test us to the limit while learning how
to remain sober thru them all.
I too am happy to hear that you are
doing the footwork in recovery by
chairing meetings. That's good service
work for sure.
Over the yrs I have had just one sponsor,
one that guided me thru the steps and set
a good example of a sober person I wanted
to pattern myself after.
However, early on, I realized that she as well
as many other members in recovery had their
own agenda. Their own lives to live. Their own
jobs, family, schedules to follow. The same thing
with me as a stay at home mom and wife.
I knew I couldn't have her with me by my side
all the time and to be honest, I didn't want her
to be. It was my responsibility to do the recovery
footwork to the best of my human ability if I
wanted to remain sober and achieve all those
wonderful promises granted to us by doing so.
So, I balanced my life with family and recovery.
Got myself to meetings and took care of my
business in listening, learning, absorbing, and
applying the many lessons I heard in all those
step, big book studies, conventions, AA meetings.
I sat surrounded by many folks in all
those meetings just like me. Hungry
for sobriety. Wanting what they had.
For many yrs. they led me by their experiences.
strengths and hopes day in and day out and I
never felt alone or by myself in recovery.
We are here in SR just like that in your meetings.
Surrounded by many here wanting what so many
have achieved thru incorporating a continuous
program of recovery in their everyday lives.
Being Happy, joyous and free from the sanity
of our addiction that kept us sick day after day.
You are not alone here with us.
next best thing in keeping yourself
committed and responsible as well as
sober.
There will always be people, places or
things that will ruffle our feathers and
test us to the limit while learning how
to remain sober thru them all.
I too am happy to hear that you are
doing the footwork in recovery by
chairing meetings. That's good service
work for sure.
Over the yrs I have had just one sponsor,
one that guided me thru the steps and set
a good example of a sober person I wanted
to pattern myself after.
However, early on, I realized that she as well
as many other members in recovery had their
own agenda. Their own lives to live. Their own
jobs, family, schedules to follow. The same thing
with me as a stay at home mom and wife.
I knew I couldn't have her with me by my side
all the time and to be honest, I didn't want her
to be. It was my responsibility to do the recovery
footwork to the best of my human ability if I
wanted to remain sober and achieve all those
wonderful promises granted to us by doing so.
So, I balanced my life with family and recovery.
Got myself to meetings and took care of my
business in listening, learning, absorbing, and
applying the many lessons I heard in all those
step, big book studies, conventions, AA meetings.
I sat surrounded by many folks in all
those meetings just like me. Hungry
for sobriety. Wanting what they had.
For many yrs. they led me by their experiences.
strengths and hopes day in and day out and I
never felt alone or by myself in recovery.
We are here in SR just like that in your meetings.
Surrounded by many here wanting what so many
have achieved thru incorporating a continuous
program of recovery in their everyday lives.
Being Happy, joyous and free from the sanity
of our addiction that kept us sick day after day.
You are not alone here with us.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hmmm. I responded in your other thread.
What you are experiencing isn't uncommon.
Do you have a higher power? If so, the relationship that I perceive you have with your sponsor is really most effective with a HP. She is not perfect. She's not the 'perfect sponsor'. No such thing. She's an alcoholic in recovery whose job is to guide you through your steps, not be your bestie. If that develops over time, great. If not, its not a snub on her part. Yes, I believe your expectations are too high. And, in reality, aren't ALL expectations of anything or anyone outside ourselves and the HP too high? What do they say 'expectations are resentments in construction'. This thread would be an example of this.
Pause. Breath. You're going through a lot of change. In the program of AA, if its to work as it is outlined, God removes your defects of character. God removes your obsession to drink. God guides you to do his/her/its will for your and removes your resentments.
If you believe this, pray. Ask for guidance. Say the third step prayer. Help another addict in need. But I invite you not to take this, or anything, personally. Her behavior may not be about you at all.
What you are experiencing isn't uncommon.
Do you have a higher power? If so, the relationship that I perceive you have with your sponsor is really most effective with a HP. She is not perfect. She's not the 'perfect sponsor'. No such thing. She's an alcoholic in recovery whose job is to guide you through your steps, not be your bestie. If that develops over time, great. If not, its not a snub on her part. Yes, I believe your expectations are too high. And, in reality, aren't ALL expectations of anything or anyone outside ourselves and the HP too high? What do they say 'expectations are resentments in construction'. This thread would be an example of this.
Pause. Breath. You're going through a lot of change. In the program of AA, if its to work as it is outlined, God removes your defects of character. God removes your obsession to drink. God guides you to do his/her/its will for your and removes your resentments.
If you believe this, pray. Ask for guidance. Say the third step prayer. Help another addict in need. But I invite you not to take this, or anything, personally. Her behavior may not be about you at all.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
Hey BMB. I'm in the middle of the steps and I know I would find your position really hard just now. I know how much my sponsor means. In saying that, regardless of the reasons your sponsor can't be there for you, it's accepting the fact that she can't do the job you need her to do. I would start thinking about what you need and approaching someone who can offer it.
It's hard but sometimes these things happen for a good reason. A new sponsor might be the one you are meant to have, to see you through xx
It's hard but sometimes these things happen for a good reason. A new sponsor might be the one you are meant to have, to see you through xx
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I wonder- are my expectations too high for her?
You know how in planes they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first bnefore helping others?
Maybe she's putting her oxygen mask on first right now- I don't know.
Be that as it may, I understand that from your perspective you need a sponsor who's responsive.
Could a temporary sponsor be a solution?
I'd try to talk with your current sponsor before you take any action though,
Guest
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,802
I had the same problem. I felt like my sponsor diched me. I thought we were friends too until she suddenly changed. Try to move on from it asap. If you are chairing meetings you obviously know other people. I got stuck in self pity and it didn't help one bit. Try not to dwell on it. Remember the serenity prayer.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Originally Posted by bringmeback7693 
I just thought I could depend on her, trust her with everything and it doesn't feel that way anymore.
I
I
It is spelled out in the Big Book thus " The minute we put our work on a service plane, the alcoholic commences to rely upon our assistance rather than upon God." and: " Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us."
People have feet of clay, my sponsor used to say. We had this one old girl who sponsored about 70 women on daily phone calls and cliches. Work one step a year was one of them. When she died, about half relapsed, and the other half, hopelessly co-dependent were swept up by one of the controlling matriachal sponsors we are blessed with back home. Women of 5 years sobriety still don't get to sponsor, and wouldn't dare change their socks without running it past their sponsor first.
That's not sobriety and certainly not freedom. Work the steps, mayboe with this sponsor, or another, develop a working relationship witj the God of your understanding, recover, and help others. That is where the freedom is to be found.
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