Calitano

So, relaunch - back to day 2
I was doing so well - until... complacency, over confidence, and a period of stress. The occasional glass of wine became more and more frequent, and suddenly I was drinking as stress relief again. I'm an idiot - but not the first alcoholic and probably not the last to find themselves here.
Off I go again... this time with a little more weariness but also awareness of some of the landmines.
C.

wildflower70

Hey there Calitano,

I'm back to Day 2 as well. Were not idiots, were alcoholics.

I fell off the wagon at 6 months sober, and my binge lasted an entire month. I feel lucky that nothing severe happened.

I found that once I started, it was like a freight train, I wanted to consume massive quantities, it was never "just a few."

I hope your finding strength today....I'm right here with you

VigilanceNow

Hi Calitano,

You seem to have a very realistic attitude about it, which I think is a very good thing. Relapse happens, but it doesn't have to happen again. I've been back to day 2 more times than I'd care to remember, typically after long bouts of happy sobriety and optimism... each time I went back, I felt more baffled by how quickly I would slip down to where I used to be. It's hard to shake the feeling that relapse erases the weeks of sobriety, but remember that it does not. You had that time and you can get it again.

I hope there are people around you who are supportive and understanding, and to whom you can be accountable. That was usually what did me in... back to bad habits, thinking I can fool those around me and getting a sort of "high" off the idea that I'd be drunk and no one would know (people always know).

Good luck as you go forward today!

PhoenixJ

Cat- it IS possible for us alcoholics to learn new behaviours (esp with CBT training) without having to go to desperate and terrible rock bottoms.
Unfortunately I was not one of the enlightened ones. Despite my bro dying @ 41 from multiple organ failure- basically he drank himself to death. I burnt to death and was revived 3 times and lost my family, possessions, health, career, home (not by burning it down) etc.

To me- I have to LIVE recovery every moment of every day...because complacency for me- would mean relapse...and death proper.

Perhaps you can be one of the enlightened ones and learn from my, and others stories.

Support to you.

mkvan

Thanks for sharing this Catilano. I am on Day 2 again also. I've joined the September 2018 thread for support as well.

I had 5 years Sober and went back to drinking and my biggest challenge right now, is that I don't believe I am an alcoholic but I do recognize that drinking is problematic for me, and I do not want to drink... and return to a peaceful sober life.

Calitano

Thanks everyone, it's good to be back.
I'm really really lucky it didn't get too far, pulled myself up in shock in the nick of time. But I really need to return to all the disciplines and support systems that worked for me before. Which includes posting and reading here and putting sobriety at number 1. I let it drop to like 4 or 5 in the list, and then suddenly it was gone...

mkvan I can identify: I know intellectually that I'm an alcoholic - the evidence is all there, clear as day. I t's the knowing-knowing bit that's difficult.

The internal turmoil and stress and anxieties all started to bubble up again.
Some of the crazy of being this alcoholic is that they feel so familiar they're almost like old friends who slip right in the backdoor without an invite. So security has been stepped up!!!

Hevyn

Calitano - I'm glad you kept yourself from total disaster. After 3 yrs. sober I tried social drinking. It worked for a few months, but ultimately led to years of reckless behavior. I found it very hard to get back on track after that. Finding SR was the thing that saved me. As Dee often says, it's the times we are able to control it that are dangerous. We have a false sense of being able to manage it.

Congrats on your Day 2.

Rar

Glad you're getting back on track Calitano.

FreeOwl

Nice thing about Day Two is it shows you can stay sober both yesterday and tomorrow if you just stay sober today.

You can do it.

Hawking22

Yeah, great posts from everyone. You're certainly not the first and won't be the last; the power is in getting back up each and every time, which you did. Major kudos to you

I appreciate your bravery, I always run and hide so ashamed. My old sponsor told me once after a relapse "It's okay. We're alcoholics. We drink, it's what we do" ...and thank you and everyone for the reminder to keep this first.

Calitano

And on to day 3... Thanks again sr.

Hawking22 - Your old sponsor was right! I've given up on shame and hiding: they're too toxic. I hate my drinking, but (at 45) have finally learnt not to hate myself for the compulsion to drink and for falling and being human. I'm very disappointed and feel silly, but I know I will try and try and keep trying and so can't let me be my own worst critic any more. I'm well acquainted with shame - but it's only ever made me a prisoner of my own perfectionism and ego.

Hevyn

Day 3 - so much better than Day 1. You're doing it, Calitano.